Thursday, March 12, 2009

Another Day at the Office

First she told me he hit her. Then she asked me if I would drive her back to her apartment so she could feed the cats, pile his bad ass belongings on the outside stairway, pick up her daughter's medicine. They had walked five miles and were staying with a friend until she was sure he was gone. She said this time there would be no more chances. His jealously had overflowed for two days and two nights and by the time he hit her, she knew he and they were not safe.
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Now this job I have is not your typical psychotherapist. For one thing I see most clients in their homes, not in my two chair office. For another thing, most of my clients do not have cars and in her case, sometimes not even a five dollar bill. I lent her twenty bucks to buy cat food and litter because her four cats had been alone in her apartment for four days already. It was lend her the money or call the ASPCA, because I couldn't stand the thought of the cats without food or litter.
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When she asked me to drive her back to the apartment I froze. "Therapist Gunned Down by Jealous Boyfriend"--that was the headline in my head and I was smart enough (this time) to heed it.
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"No," I said. I'll drive you if you call the police and they agree to meet us there. And if they go into the apartment with you to be sure you're safe. And if they stay until we leave."
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That's how I spent my first two hours this morning. Except I miscalculated one thing. I told her I would wait in the car. I was not comfortable helping her pack up. After all, I'm a counselor, not a street fighter. Besides, I knew my supervisor probably preferred I hadn't agreed to any of this. But here's what I miscalculated: both police officers went upstairs with her and I, helpless, nervous, hypervigilant me--sat alone in my all-too-familiar car wondering if he did show up if he would forego the police shields and aim right for little me sitting there all by myself. It was a tense few moments. It reminded me I am older than I used to be, more cautious, but maybe not fully level headed.
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I drove her back to her friend's apartment, strongly hoping and advising her to get a restraining order on Monday morning. I told her I won't see her at the apartment unless she does. I told her the police told me he was a bad dude. Turns out he had a half dozen more arrests than she knew about.
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She's wondering why she chose him in the first place and why she's chosen bad dudes more than once. That kind of wondering is good: better late than never.
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And I'm wondering if I'm a bit of a street fighter despite my intentions. I didn't have to drive her. I didn't have to wonder if this crazy guy might appear any minute and let me have it. And yet, this is what I'm freely doing. Don't get me wrong: I'm cautious. I am. But here I am too somewhere I might have been thirty years ago, still doing it my way and hoping for the best.

24 comments:

  1. i think this sounds worse than it really was...

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  2. nah this office situation is much worse watch video especially toward the end. the abuse!

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  3. Restraining orders don't stop bad dudes. I'm glad she's starting to see the light, but now you have me worried about the cats. I hope she finds a new place to live soon.

    He wouldn't have known who you were in the car unless he'd met you before.Have you met him? Be careful KJ. You have lots of clients who need you.

    I'm so glad domestic abuse is dealt with these days. Back in the days my mother was pulverized daily, the police would just tell my dad to cool off. One time when they left they told my mother to "try not to aggravate him." I kid you not.

    You do such good work. They're lucky to have you :)

    xo

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  4. I am shivering, KJ. Take care in these kind of scary situations, please. It has nothing to do with old age, but these bad dudes are completely lost in their own violent world. They think with their fists or weapons. I have so much pity with those young women who always chose these kind of weirdo's. It is a sex thing, I suppose.

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  5. I want to give this 'man' a cup of my special hot chocolate...

    I'm worried about your client, her cats but not you. I know you are OK, you'll always be safe - you've got back up ;D

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  6. This is very scary for all concerned including the kitties. I am glad everyone is safe for the moment.

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  7. anonymous, since i don't know you, i didn't watch the video, because i was suspicious of your intention...

    lolo, oh yes, he knows me and my car! and i'm worried about the cats too. that's really why i lent her $ 20--normally i don't give clients money, even a loan. lo, i felt so sad about your mother. let me say the obvious outloud: she didn't deserve a bit of it.

    wieneke, i know. that's why i was frightened. i don't think it's really a sex thing at all. it's most often a low self esteem thing for the victim and a power/control thing for the perpetrator.

    miladysa, i don't know entirely what you mean by having "back up" but it made me feel good. thank you.

    suki, me too. i hope lessons are learned and the future is better.

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  8. Given what I've been reading in the news, you have every right to be cautious. I'm glad you got the police involved. For goodness sakes, please, please be careful.

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  9. KJ -- You have such a good heart and I'm so glad your clients have you! Be careful and you're right about having the police there and the restraining order -- even if he ignores it, there would be something in place to take legal action before something terrible happens. And ask Milady for her "cocoa" recipe! :D

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  10. omg is this what you do 'at the office'?? i never knew. yikes.
    see my blog for a new award 'sister'

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  11. bella, thank you. i try very hard to be careful. this is the first time i have worked "on the streets" of an inner city--my prior work has been more with middle and upper class folks. and i'm liking this for many reasons: for one, i'm learning something important about what may be needed in the u.s and in the world.

    melissa, i can only imagine milady's cocoa recipe!!!

    soulbrush, yup, this is what i'm up to these days. part time, since i'm writing and marketing my book too.

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  12. KJ, I've always felt it important that women help other women in these situations. By having a female "savior" it empowers the abused woman. Not only did you set a good example-showing her how to use resources to stay safe, but you personally went and sat outside alone-keeping vigil if you will. I bet the moments in the house were easier for her knowing that you had her back.

    I know that sometimes all I need is someone to offer to help-the offer is all I need to make me realize I can do it on my own. On my own, but not alone. I like the sound of that-it should be on a t-shirt or poster-On My Own, Not Alone.

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  13. debra kay, you are SO RIGHT.

    i've told you this before, but sometimes your wisdom is remarkable. this is one of those times.

    xo

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  14. Hi Kj!!!

    all you need is some paper, I like the thick watercolour paper...great because Cole loves to use a lot of water with the paints...watercolour paints, brushes and water...that is it...I hope you have fun with Mr. Ryan today....!!!

    Hugs
    Diana

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  15. karen, any chance you can get some kind of body armor that does not look like it? a jacket, perhaps?

    it won't stop a knife, but a bullet, yes....

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  16. At least you did the right thing and had the police on site just in case. It's a tough call. I don't know where a job like yours stops and starts,just have to go with your gut instinct I think. Then again kj, you probably know more than most, abused women forgive their abusers time and time again . . who knows, she might take him back. A bad man is often better than no man for women like this.

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  17. To me you're like a bit of an avenging angel.

    Watch out for that halo please, and don't let it get knocked off

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  18. I've not seen restraining orders be very useful. The really dangerous men break them without hesitation. And some abusers will hurt anone they see as intruding, so be careful.

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  19. diana, thanks! can't wait to get going...

    laughing wolf, yikes! i hope i'm generally safer than that. but i know what you mean. i think about judgements and risks and protections more than i ever have before. hey, thanks for visiting my blog. i'll be visiting you back.

    baino, how true! although i hope not in this case...

    mim, thanks for the laugh, the image and the sweet wisdom!

    cs, i know, i get it. it's a bit of an occupational hazard. same with you for sure. what's harder for me is that i'm on the streets and probably more accessible

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  20. You are a wonderful person, and wise enough to take even more precautions next time. I hope the woman is okay now and a new life can start for her.

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  21. chief, you are a wonderful person too.
    xo

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  22. oh my! A day you will remember...

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  23. kj: I am glad that your client is asking herself these important questions, but when I see these things I always think if only the parent could think of their children first.

    I guess there are many answers to that.

    She is lucky to have you.

    Thank you for your comment; you are right I am still here.

    I love Laurel too.

    xoxo

    Renee

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  24. kj: did she go back to the abuser?

    xoxo

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