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It's one AM on the night before the morning of Christmas Eve. I worked today, saw 5 clients, each time especially meaningful or charged today, this day just before Christmas.
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After work I shopped for groceries: tomorrow night will be stuffed mushrooms ( I bought them already stuffed), cheese fondue with french bread, salad, shrimp feta with rice, & chili cheese cornbread.
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Tomorrow JB and I will also make my Mother's recipe for homemade fresh raviolis. We have had 3 or 4 lessons from her over the years and we have the rough sketch of ingredients written down: eggs, flour, ricotta and parmesan cheese, cornmeal on wax papter to keep them from stickin.
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Tonight I made my Father's spaghetti sauce seasoned to perfection with fresh sausages from DiPasquale's sausage 'factory' (a little space outside of Boston) and my Mother's award winning recipe for meatballs.
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I am comtemplative tonight. Quiet. Alone. I am aware that I am not alone in the world--what love and support I have!--and I am also aware that in the last couple of years a part of me has dimmed. I know this because I live with a loss I never prepared for and in some core way(foolishly) still honor , my third Christmas of five when things were more apart than together.
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I am trying as hard as I know how to embrace this holiday and I am quite enjoying myself. I am connecting and appreciating, and although I am more cautious with love than it may appear, I am open and jubilant when I receive and give it.
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Tomorrow I'll be cooking and putzsing and dancing in the kitchen with my new apron on and I'll be putting red ribbons in final places. I'll LOVE the exchange of presents. JB & I will catch up in every way with our friends Mike and Clara and the four of us will continue catching up into breakfast the next morning.
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And on Christmas Day afternoon Jess and Mike and Mr. Ryan and (baby) Drew will come here to # 9 and we will nibble and open presents and play with the dogs and with flashlights and stickers and when it is dark and quiet we (sans boys) will sit down to a porchside candlelight meal together.
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This is my holiday life and I am determined to show up for it and set an example for myself of being calm and silly (and flexible) and not anxious and serious and rigid.
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By the way if you are reading this you may have no idea how much I have been influenced and uplifted by my blog and by my visitors here. I have been ripped apart in the blogs, but I have also been put together. I am part of a community here and that is one reason among many that I am going to show up and do my damnest to thrive, dimmed light or not.
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Happy happy everything.
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Love
kj
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Merry Christmas and remember that those who rip are the ones who are angry and filled with unspeakable feelings of their own self hatred.
ReplyDeleteFeel sorry for them, really, not for yourself. In the end it continues to be true that if you are yourself those who want to believe in you will never need anything to prove who you are. And to those who don't no argument or proof could be ever enough.
Love from here and the best to you, JB and the rest of your family.
That's odd, KJ, you've been attacked by other bloggers and I haven't (well a very few times, maybe), yet I publish things that are guaranteed to make people mad, though not as mad as a personal enemy, I suppose. I don't know, but I suppose that if I were you, I would just stay the hell away from critical bloggers. You can't make people understand unless they're open to understanding.
ReplyDeleteI am sitting here at work on Christmas Eve, just about to start my day (aren't time zones funny things), and my thoughts have turned to you. You have a big heart KJ and no mistake. Being ripped apart will leave it's mark that's true, and dealing with that is a process all of it's own, but Allegra is so right. We both know it.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we do need to demonstrate to ourselves how to be. I know you will be fab at it! The words we speak to our own hearts are sometimes the ones that are hardest to believe ... even when they are the truest of all.
Lots of love from your friend way over here too. xx Jos
Ripped apart sucks...wtf? But I'd rather concentrate on those raviolis and award winning meatballs! I like the way you show up for Christmas. Many bright blessings to you and yours!
ReplyDeleteHey kj if you really want to get festive and are cooking but not fryig anything I dare you to dance in the kitchen in your underwear. That'll set the mood for silliness.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHA - anxious, serious, rigid?? - HAHAHA!!! don't be silly girl - go ahead and dance in your underwear with your new apron on.
ReplyDeleteGive that adorable Ryan a hug from me. Boy, he can steal your heart in a moment can't he? I hope you got him alot of non-educational, fun, delightful toys.
And enjoy your sauce(s) and good old fashioned food, drink, friends, fun.
Me? I'm hoping for some closure this week or next and would welcome it with open arms. I think.
love mim
This sounds like a truly lovely Christmas, kj. I have been shown many times this year that I should value what I have while I still have it, and I think I am listening to this, and enjoying more of what each day gives me. :) I loved getting a peek at your day. A very merry Christmas to you, JB, your families, and those adorable boys. I wouldn't mind it at all if you would give them each a hug from me. xox!! Pam
ReplyDeletekj, i love the way you honor your parents by cooking their special recipes. and the way you honor your self in all your complexities by embracing the season: cooking, gifting, eating, laughing, enjoying those precious grandkids. Broken Hearted Warrior is one of the Shambala phrases and ideas. Thus we all are. We go forth in life and sometimes inside the tears weep.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful tree by the way. Have a wonderful time doing all the many things you have planned. Blessings, Suki
I'm jealous...I didn't get a new apron this year! heh heh
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're going to show up for the holiday without being anxious and serious and rigid, kj, you and your family deserve more than that. I'm so proud of you for allowing yourself enjoyment.
I hope you have a very loving and very merry and joyous Christmas!!!
Good Morning KJ! I'm betting that sauce and those meatballs are going to add spice to your Christmas Dinner tonight! and as for tomorrow's......it's going to be WONDERFUL!
ReplyDeleteAs for being ripped by Bloggers.... there are all sorts of people out there....and, as we both know, some people do (sadly) change....BUT...... we have a wonderful circle of bloggers now.... for me, you all truly are my family.... You are our "glue' -your energy, your passion, your joy, your 'wicked" humour - all keep us close knit.
So, enjoy these next few days...your home is infused with Christmas light...and I know some delcious aromas will be wafting through the kitchen!
Much love to you, JB ("Finder of Lost Earrings") and of course, the beautiful Stella.
Love, ALWAYS,
♥ Robin ♥
Kj, Who can know why the things that happen, happen? Acceptance is the only thing we can control. I was betrayed by a friend this year,yet they think I betrayed them, isn't it weird? People see things the way they see them and all we can do is see the cup half full and move forward.
ReplyDeleteYour post was not boring :-).
Sending love and hugs to the whole KJ family and please kiss Stella for me. Happy Christmas! xoxo
What Annie said, kj. She took the words right out of my mouth.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas and all best wishes for the coming new year.
The other Annie
kj,
ReplyDeletei read this post and it made me feel a lot of things......sad in places and also very, very happy for you. you sound like a person who sees life very clearly and has embraced both its ups and downs....
....so may the new year bring you lots of things --- all of them up♡
blessings to you, to jb, to all your family
p.s. your menu sounds lovely, your visitors soon to be stopping by, loved. a very good recipe, i think ;-)
how brief can i be in the middle of last minute everythings to convey an avalanche of love?
ReplyDelete(briefly)
allegra, how many times has your voice arrived at the very moment it matters most? thank you for letting me borrow your reading glasses, my darling allegra. they have helped so much (okay, not so brief, but hey!, it's allegra!)
snow, i surely can handle critical bloggers. that's the least of it! :)
jos, we have the same map. we're heading to the same place. i'm so glad ♥
barbara, the raviolis and meatballs is a version of starfish and seaweed, right? :) happy happy holidays sky watcher. TSUP!
mark, HAHHAHAHA! that dare is a done deed!!!!! no photographs though! happy holidays mark. the world needs you. don't forget ♥
dearest mimsy, open those arms. we'll be partying. you'll get through this part with grace and love and maybe scotch. ♥
ReplyDeletepam, we are learning to be good learners and listeners. that's quite a gift in itself. so glad to know you prudie1. i hope you know
ah suki, the broken hearted warrior is not one i volunteered for and i never thought that would be in my resume. thank you always for understanding and then saying the right words.
thank you suki poet.
have yourself a day you'll know it
:)
Kj your blog post really hit home with me...
ReplyDeleteI have so many losses and still losing.... and this Christmas is a sad one for me...
But I'm going to try and show up for this Christmas day....
I'll put on my funky chicken apron... make a standing rib roast (which we never eat!) mashed potato's and gravy, salads, and vegetables... and damn it laugh!
I didn't know you've been attacked and dragged through the dirt by other bloggers...don't let them near me ~ I take no prisoners when it come to my friends!!!!! I can kick but!
You are in my thoughts this Christmas Eve...
Love~Pattee
Oh yes and .... can I have your dad's spaghetti recipe and your mom's meatballs : )
ReplyDeletexox
Oooh... I want to come to your house for dinner - sounds delicious!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad we've 'met' - you are a bright spot in my online world :)
Merry Christmas... Enjoy!
xo
Kristin
Wishing you a joyous and blessed Christmas, KJ!
ReplyDeletehugs,
Silver
You are loved...look at all the heartfelt comments...the blogosphere is amazing...they have raised $$$ for Brighton, they have uplifted my spririt, they humble me, they congratulate me, they love me...truly.
ReplyDeleteWe all have blessings, each and every day...one of minw is blogging and visiting with you...May your Christmas be Merry and your New Year bright!
Things I know for sure:
ReplyDeleteChristmas at your house will be more than magical and the food will be delicious.
You are a stronger woman this year than you were the same time last year.
You have a huge, loving, supportive fan club because you deserve to.
Forgotten, broken children feel worthy and loved by you.
You look damn cute in that apron;)
Merry always and everything my friend.
Love you to pieces~
xo
Lo♥