Staying Calm

The trick to juggling is determining

which balls are made of rubber and

which ones are made of glass.

Anonymous

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This is my day today:

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8-10 am.....Walk with Stella, have breakfast. Read, talk with JB.

10-12.....Write

12 ....Lunch

1-2 ....Write/Blog

2-4 .....Beach

6:30 pm ....Dinner at Northern Italian/Seafood favorite

8:00 ....Stop my friend’s gallery, hug, talk up a storm

10:00.....Walk Stella

10:30 pm.....Here I am
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I will have one more today tomorrow, but it will be colored by having to clean and pack and head home. And heading home has me thinking.
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I am pretty relaxed. I have been able to handle what comes my way here without worry. Is it solely because I have such a lovely leisurely schedule? And what is it about my non-vacation, regular day-to-day life that leaves me less relaxed, less patient, more worried, more of the time?
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I have paid a bill or two here. I have had a document notarized, returned clothes that didn’t fit, worked with the realtor who is renting my Mother’s house. I’ve bought groceries, mailed letters, washed clothes, cooked (alittle), cared for my family, picked up and swept clean. With one big difference: I’ve done a lot of these things on my own time, by my own clock.
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Is that it? Am I calm and content just because I can move more at my leisure? I look at my current life and I don’t think so. At home I work three days a week at a job I like alot. I write, I visit and care for my Mother, someone else cleans my house twice a month. Most nights I have time after dinner to cool down and most often I have enough time or money to take little trips, to see a play, to buy a new pillow for the couch.

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So why would I be rightly anticipating that I will not be able to hold on to the calm I’ve accumulated here in Ptown, here on vacation, when I head back to my home and routine?
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What’s the problem?
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And what’s the answer?
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I have a few thoughts:
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1. Simplicity: there is not clutter here. I have brought with me only what I either need or enjoy. I have my wallet, my books, my colored pencils, my iphone, my laptop, my candles, my camera, my flip flops, my sneakers and my bike. I don’t have to keep track of a lot more than that. Why can’t I carry this simplicity home with me? No good answer why not.
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2. Nourishment: I’ve taken care of myself the last few weeks. I’ve walked, I’ve bought myself little presents, I’ve let the sun warm my face, I’ve eaten my favorite foods, I’ve giggled in the shivering Atlantic Ocean. Why can’t I nourish myself like this at home? No good answer here either. Maybe of course I can’t devote as much time to nourishment as I have here, but some of the basics: feeling the sun on my face, for example, surely I can remember how good that feels, how good I feel because of it. Why can’t I nourish myself more? No good answer why not.
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3. I’m Right Here: When I refer to this cozy red couch where I write it's because I am clearly HERE, on it this minute, not even thinking about evaluating the past or planning the future. I am just here. Even paying the bills, I am here. Walking down Commercial Street: I am there. Not working, not worrying, just walking. So why can't I be more aware of where I am, more of the time? No good answer why not.
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4. Connections: People smile at one another here. In restaurants and on the trails and at the beach, people chat with one another, laugh together. This is what happens in vacation mode: it’s easier to be light and friendly, to drop your guard and have fun with others. So why can’t I live like this at home? It’s a worthy question. Why not? I will tell you honestly that I smile at a lot of people in the course of my days, even in neighborhoods where I am cautious, and most people smile back. It’s a good thing. Same with chatting, sometimes even touching a shoulder. Why can't I do this the way it is done here? No good answer why not.

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I am going to be a walking waking laboratory. I am going home tomorrow and I am going to do my damnest to take my time, to simplify, to take care of myself, to stay present, to connect. I'll let you know. Or, you could be a walking waking laboratory with me....

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Love

kj