In Search of Me

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This really should be Emily Rabbit's post. She should be writing about her best friend Marianne's remarkable magical visit to Provincetown. It's possible that may still happen.
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But tonight I am feeling pensive, and I'm preparing to wind down my three and one half weeks of vacation here, where the ocean breezes never stop and where I somehow belong, even when I'm not sure I do.
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It's been a wonderful three plus weeks. I spent the first four days writing snippets for book # 2, and I made progress I feel good about. This is a book that won't be published until and unless I am sure it is fair and unless and until it is time. It is not an easy book to write, and I am not sure I will be able to finish it, if at all, until more of my emotions come to rest.

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I've had quite a vacation, with myself, with JB, with friends and family. Our sisterfriend Liz came to do nothing and everything with us; Lo and Marianne drove a long way to see me here and that could just about be the highlight of my year; we got to spend some wonderful time with our niece Anne, and today Jess and Mike and Mr. Ryan and Mr. Drew left us, in the serious rain, after four days of simply being together, such joy for me.
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JB and I still have until Sunday, when we will clean up, pack up, and head for home and chores and work and Autumn. We have a few local friends to see between now and then, and I hope for enough sun to get our kayaking in. I love the rhythm here. I do what I do and don't do what I don't do.
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It's been a near perfect vacation but I could so easily give the impression that I am the most content and centered person on the planet. I am certainly one of the luckiest and most fortunate.
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But the truth is I am lost sometimes. I still look back in confusion sometimes, even when I know damn well it's best to look ahead. I'm still not sure how day to day happiness (contentment) really works, even though I've written almost a book about that very subject. I know that sorrow and loss is part of life, and I know that is true for everyone. But I'm not always sure how all the pieces fit together, how they interlock so I still hold on to contentment, no matter what happens to and around me.
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Tonight a friend was talking about a friend of his who had had his heart broken. That is how he described it, and I understood more than I wish I did about what that meant. Things like that will change you.

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I'm still surprised that I don't look for fairness in the world. I used to, but now I am more likely to do what I can, to pray even, but to also accept that there are things that happen that I don't understand, that I may never understand. Things that happen thataren't fair, especially to children, but also to hearts.

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I really could have chosen to write an upbeat post tonight, because there is plenty to be upbeat about. But from the beginning of this blog I have believed that it is helpful to just be myself, whether I'm upbeat and clear, or not. Because either is the way it is, because that is part of life.

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This is how it looks on this night from the vantage point of a red sectional couch in the small coastal town of Provincetown, Massachusetts, where a woman named kj counts her blessings and her questions in equal measure. At least that what she does tonight.

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And tomorrow: she'll have to wait and see when she wakes walks into a new day waiting for her....

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Love

kj