Holiday Thoughts

Do you mind if we talk about the holidays as the mixed bag of emotions and memories that connect our past and present, no matter how we try to keep it simple?

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Simple? I welcome the holidays, but they are not simple. I appreciate the glitter and festivity and sharing and and extra doses of kindness that come more easily this time of year. I am definitely part of that: you will find plenty of Christmas cheer here on my blog and it will be genuine.

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But that is not the whole story, and I don't like the idea of prettying things up when so many of us--myself included--have a bittersweet approach to Christmas, Holidays, the New Year. So maybe if I fess up to that it might make it easier for someone else.

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Sometimes the blogs can make our lives look too damn easy. It's hard enough putting up with perfection on television and in magazines. I don't want to perpetuate the myth of perfection here. So if you don't mind bearing with me I'm going to tell you about my holidays.
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I have a loving family and they will be with me over Christmas. I take my time shopping and selecting tiny and sometimes major presents for my family and friends. I never (rarely) go to malls, and I am almost done with everything except the wrapping. I feel good about the presents I am giving this year.

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On Christmas Eve my dear friends Mike and Clara and their daughter Dani will drive two hours to get here and we will celebrate over a fine meal and wicked desserts as we have for twenty plus years.

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I see my friends this time of year. We plan get-togethers, catch up on news, share special gifts, give and recieve the gift of time.

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The blogs and my friends there have become amazing . I'm getting cards and good wishes from all over the world, and I can say I am truly blessed with special relationships that I'll have for a life time.

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I am healthy, my mother is happily settled near by in a wonderful rest home, money is finally not a problem, and I love my work.
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And yet:
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Last year at this time I was as depressed as I have ever been in my life.

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I have written about the loss (dissolution) of an important relationship and I have promised myself that I will not continue to lament it here or any more than I have to in my own mind. This is not someone who has treated me and the 'we-that-we-were' kindly in the dissolution. And yet try as I might the love hasn't gone anywhere. I think one day it will just settle somewhere in a corner of my heart and I will remember all the reasons we loved one another. And at this time of year: I hope she has an amaryllis in her house.

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I have never been so aware of illness and fragility and loss. I worry about my friends Marsha and Renee, I watch my Mom try hard to hold on to her memories. I witness my beloved Jessica now with her own family and I understand that I will always continue to care about her as if she were still ten years old, except it will be from afar much of the time, and I hope she will not ever be burdened taking care of me.

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I am so fortunate and yet sometimes I feel lost.

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I will soon write another post about my holidays and in it I will talk about my festivities and wild wonderful fun, all of which is also true. But today I wanted to say it's not all sweetness and light, not always a bowl of chocolate covered cherries.....and that's alright.

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Love

kj ♥