Tuesday, August 24, 2010

In Search of Me

This really should be Emily Rabbit's post. She should be writing about her best friend Marianne's remarkable magical visit to Provincetown. It's possible that may still happen.
But tonight I am feeling pensive, and I'm preparing to wind down my three and one half weeks of vacation here, where the ocean breezes never stop and where I somehow belong, even when I'm not sure I do.
It's been a wonderful three plus weeks. I spent the first four days writing snippets for book # 2, and I made progress I feel good about. This is a book that won't be published until and unless I am sure it is fair and unless and until it is time. It is not an easy book to write, and I am not sure I will be able to finish it, if at all, until more of my emotions come to rest.
I've had quite a vacation, with myself, with JB, with friends and family. Our sisterfriend Liz came to do nothing and everything with us; Lo and Marianne drove a long way to see me here and that could just about be the highlight of my year; we got to spend some wonderful time with our niece Anne, and today Jess and Mike and Mr. Ryan and Mr. Drew left us, in the serious rain, after four days of simply being together, such joy for me.
JB and I still have until Sunday, when we will clean up, pack up, and head for home and chores and work and Autumn. We have a few local friends to see between now and then, and I hope for enough sun to get our kayaking in. I love the rhythm here. I do what I do and don't do what I don't do.
It's been a near perfect vacation but I could so easily give the impression that I am the most content and centered person on the planet. I am certainly one of the luckiest and most fortunate.
But the truth is I am lost sometimes. I still look back in confusion sometimes, even when I know damn well it's best to look ahead. I'm still not sure how day to day happiness (contentment) really works, even though I've written almost a book about that very subject. I know that sorrow and loss is part of life, and I know that is true for everyone. But I'm not always sure how all the pieces fit together, how they interlock so I still hold on to contentment, no matter what happens to and around me.
Tonight a friend was talking about a friend of his who had had his heart broken. That is how he described it, and I understood more than I wish I did about what that meant. Things like that will change you.
I'm still surprised that I don't look for fairness in the world. I used to, but now I am more likely to do what I can, to pray even, but to also accept that there are things that happen that I don't understand, that I may never understand. Things that happen thataren't fair, especially to children, but also to hearts.
I really could have chosen to write an upbeat post tonight, because there is plenty to be upbeat about. But from the beginning of this blog I have believed that it is helpful to just be myself, whether I'm upbeat and clear, or not. Because either is the way it is, because that is part of life.
This is how it looks on this night from the vantage point of a red sectional couch in the small coastal town of Provincetown, Massachusetts, where a woman named kj counts her blessings and her questions in equal measure. At least that what she does tonight.
And tomorrow: she'll have to wait and see when she wakes walks into a new day waiting for her....


  1. I love this photo of you! It is perfect. I am glad you had a good time (has it been 3 weeks already!), it sounds like you thought about a lot of stuff too. Maybe you think too much :-). I know that used to be a problem for me, but I am much happier if I don't think and tell myself stories, which is what we do and what I think makes us unhappy. On the other hand it may be that sadness is a part of life and I think that is okay, you can still be happy in your sadness. I know because I do it all the time :-).
    Sending hugs and love.xoxo

  2. hello annie, you got this comment in while i was still editing my post! i can't say if i think too much or feel too much or anything in between. for me it is what it is. there's that phrase again: 'find joy in the sorrow.' it's been following me around for some time now! i'm not someone who carries alot of sorrow, but i know feel what i feel... :)

  3. Kj I'm going to admit to not reading the whole post... I was just so happy to see your smiling, wonderful photo Of you!

    I hope to visit you and all the people you love sometime gypsy sister~

  4. aw, pattee, thank you! i'm in search of reasonably decent if not attractive pictures of myself, so your comment is as good as a piece of chocolate!

  5. kj its a great photo of you and this is a great post too. and the header photo. it's gorgeous! you have captured the light on the water. you did.

    jess left today, in the scary stormy weather. i don't know but maybe that could be contributing to your pensive mood?

    it's too late right now (falling asleep here) but i know a poem that tells how there is no happiness without sorrow, no joy without pain. i think maybe you are feeling the fullness of these things just because it has all been so so wonderful.

    anyway my dear friend, i've got a plane to catch in the morning so it's off to bed for me.

    enjoy every last minute of your lovely seaside holiday, life is beautiful, in all of it's glorious pain and pleasure.


  6. This post is so refreshing..and honest as well. There is all fair in this world or life until we are susceptible to it.

    Sadness is a part of joy and vacations are a great mean to separate these two intermingling facets of life. Happy vacations. Cheers!!!

  7. "But I'm not always sure how all the pieces fit together, how they interlock so I still hold on to contentment, no matter what happens to and around me."

    kj, I believe that contentment is fleeting just like sadness and happiness and all the rest, they are only fleeting.... we are no one thing at anyone time... we are everything and nothing.
    Whatever we focus on within our minds is what we will experience in our life.

    xx enjoy your last days of what reads like a wonderful holiday.

  8. all things must end, that is the inevitability of life. but what wonderful new memories you have made, what a lot of touching bases with friends and family, what a lot of good quality time with jb and lolo and marianne and your grands. but inevitably we get back to ourselves and our thoughts and real life...sigh. big tsup to you.

  9. Your ending should be like that everyday no matter where you're at kj.

  10. I find the end of something...anything...always leaves me feeling a bit blue. Mostly because I guess I wasn't quite ready for it all to be over just yet.

    I've been catching up to your posts the last while. What a great time you all had, with Marianne and her son and lolo and you have great photos to remember it by. And then your family...isn't that just the best, kj? When I'm around my family I find instant peace!

    And now you have rain. Coming from me, I would think that was beyond wonderful, heh,heh!

  11. That really is a good photo miss skinny minny ;)

    I love what Robyn said. Can I just ditto that?

    I enjoy pensiveness. I'm a reflective type anyway. For someone who really believes in staying in the moment I sure seem to look back a lot. I've always been a little fickle ;)

    My new shop friend is arriving soon. I'd better clean up the studio and make a good impression!

    I feel so much better after my meltdown. yay! It's a new day.

    love you!

  12. I understand your mood totally....

    Some wounds just take a long time to heal....but, you really have many, many lovely and strong positives in your life.... and I see you moving forward. I really do.


    ♥ Robin ♥

  13. kj,

    Everyone's life is like that ocean you love. Give and take. Storm and calm. You love it, and one day you will be back for good, I think.

    Another part of your life will be waiting and exciting when you get back to your wonderful spaces at home. Who will carve the first pumpkin, eat the turkey leg or finally, this year, get the lights on the tree without trashing the house!

    Your heart was bruised - but you still have one. And it's in the right place, loving for all it's worth. "Memories are as important as love". You have both.

    Time to write a happy poem.


  14. I am so glad you had a wonderful vacay of playing when you want and doing what you want. How lovely to spend it also with friends and family. Such a blessing of time and love.
    Darling don't look back, there is no replay button in life, it is what it is and it makes you what you are.
    You were made for this moment and you are just perfect the way you are, all of you, your thoughts, your feelings, and your heart. Some will like it, some won't and some will hurt (Renee said to me once,"some people are just bad"), but it is what it is supposed to be.
    Live to love, love to create, and create to connect.
    Sink in to it!!
    You are so beautiful.

  15. i love you, lori. that's the most significant thing i can say after reading your comment. i think optimistic people have special challenges with the ups and downs and arounds,dont' you think so too? (same time zone! yay

    shubhajit, i am always interested in how you see things. thank you for your comment and for visiting me. i'm glad you found this refreshing. i was afraid it would sound obnoxious, to be pensive after so many fine days. xoxo

    robyn, TSUP! you know i almost always read your posts and your comments several times because i know there is such wisdom in everything you say. but robyn, i can't quite get this one. i don't have the ability to direct my mind like that. i can stop it from racing, i can calm it, i can reframe it, but i cannnot create a different reality. (i wish we could stay up all night talking about this subject!) xoxo

    joss, 'inevitably we get back to ourselves'. i love this. i think this is the key to everything. our life, our loves, our longings and laughter starts from the inside out, not the other way around. love you, joss, i hope you are well. ♥

  16. Well friend, it's all been said here already, I think. And probably none better than Robyn.

    That wonderful smile of yours in the fading light sums it all up,,we take what good we find, hold on to it, and make it ours.

    Re-entry to reality (end of vacation) always has it's bittersweet edges, I think.

  17. i love your honesty here. Are we ever 100% one thing vs another. we all are so complex. yet, in meditation I guess what one tries to do is bring all ones "selves" into coordination. But that is so hard.

    I hope you return home refreshed and renewed by all your wonderful vacation experiences. Hugs, suki

  18. mark, tell me more please! xo

    marion, i love the rain too, although i would give you mine in an instant. i hope you and all living things around you are breathing easier these days? i know you and i feel the same about our families. and our three year old boys! we had a total ball with one another. later, my friend. TSUP!

    lo, ms skinny minnie? oh be still my heart!!!!! (hahaha)i love you too, lo. i hope that is as obvious as the smile on your face. i;m starting to think i look back too much. is that what a writer does? i hope your new visitor may turn out to be an artistic inspiration. later ms. alligator. ♥

    wrobin, every word you have said to me here i am saying back to you, exactly!!!!! isn't it nice to have kindred souls in the same river? :)

    you know, linda, i often think you know me and get me like few others do. i laughed my ass off at your mention of the ^^%$$#@ christmas lights. and oky doky, time to write a happy poem. coming up! xoxo

    aw, marie, do you ever think you are in the midst of a friendship in the making? that's how i feel about you. you look for the starfish amidst the seaweed. thank you for the reminders. and you know what, renee said almost the same thing to me, she said, 'it's on her, kj, not on you' and i knew instantly what she meant. aw renee. she lives still, doesn't she? TSUP! marie. you are beautiful yourself! xoxo

  19. Stop seaching for you you already are......

    I think life an be so overwhelming sometimes.......

    Love that pic of you and loved to hear from you at my blog.

    Our time together was way too short but I know we will meet again!


  20. Wonderful image of you!

    I love your self talk and the way you share what you are thinking with us...making this one of the most balanced blogs in the b'sphere.

    No vacation for us this summer. There is a one-week vacation in Sept. ahead for my husband but no plans. This season the days have just absorbed me instead of the other way around!

  21. First, fantastic photo!

    Secondly, I have become convinced that my life is destined to be a mix of blessings and questions. But isn't that okay?

  22. You know, it's not just to make you feel better but without the shittiness there is no goodness, we'd just be bland and unappreciative. When things go well, I'm so high that the lows seem so far away. We're emotional beings, that's what sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. Both a curse and a blessing isn't it? Can't believe it's been 3 weeks already, it's gone so fast. I hope my holiday lingers a little longer.

  23. KJ, I recently started to follow your blog. You are gentle, human, and have such a great soul... what a breathe of fresh air. Thank you for sharing and allowing us to follow you on your journey.
    I happen to love poetry and I want to share this poem by Federico García Lorca with you.

    In the green morning I wanted to be a heart. A heart. And in the ripe evening I wanted to be a nightingale. A nightingale. (Soul, turn orange-colored. Soul, turn the color of love.) In the vivid morning I wanted to be myself. A heart. And at the evening's end I wanted to be my voice. A nightingale. Soul, turn orange-colored. Soul, turn the color of love."
    I hope you enjoy the remainder of your vaca in P-Town, my partner and I love it there as well... pure magic! Peace.