Colors & Words

Okay, I'm back again with a poem that still rhymes but is more to my liking. I wrote this a couple of years ago to a special person I met on the blogs. Today, I read it over and I find that the colors and words I felt and appreciated from blogging then has expanded to many special people now .

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I know so many of us are scratching our heads wondering how the hell AUTHENTIC relationships take root in this way. I have my theories, but that's for another day.

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Today, this is as close as I can come to describing the magic that happens:

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Colors and Words

No skin.
No sound.
No hand at the elbow
Should the shakes come round.

No face or place.
No fashion. No fad.
No coffee. No wine.
No movie line.

Just colors and words
Finding their way
Through some connection
too hard to say.

No history. No blood.
No travels. No mud.
No workspace. No church
No neighbors. No search.

No shopping. No munch.
No face-to-face hunch.
No beat to the punch.
Not even a lunch.

Just colors and words
Quietly heard
A painting, a poem
A friendship, a home.

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Happy Holidays. And thank you, with love,

kj
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I Didn't Like It...

Yesterday I posted an old poem I wrote.

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It didn't say what I wanted it to say.

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It didn't reflect my mood.

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I didn't like it.

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So I did what I don't often have the luxury of doing.

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I deleted, erased, eliminated.

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I replaced.

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Today is a busy day, not much time to re-create.

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But here's my message for today.

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Instead.

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And if you didn't see the poem in question

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Fine!

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The message will resurface

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In a way more to my liking.

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Meanwhile

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I wish you a fine day,

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Love

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kj

Clouds

This was the incredible sky on my recent flight back from Santa Fe.

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Some years back my mother flew to Florida with JB and me. It was only the second time she had been in an airplane. She kept staring out the window, silent, staring down at the clouds below, until she finally said, with all the wonder she could muster, "I never knew there were two skies."

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She meant it. It was one of those moments. Almost everyone sitting around and near us turned and smiled. I can't remember if I corrected her or not. I think I just smiled too.

Today

I visited my Mother today as I often do. The head nurse at the rest home where my Mom lives approached me and could barely contain her giggles. She told me the following story:

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"We had some high school come today to help the residents with their Christmas cards. After they left your Mother came to the office and was livid. I'd never seen her mad before. She held the cards in her hand and said there was no way she was going to send out cards that said MESSY CHRISTMAS. I told her the card said "Merry Christmas" but she said, no way, it said MESSY CHRISTMAS. We finally took those cards and carefully wrote over the 'merry' until your Mother was satisfied. Hahaha, I've been laughing my head off all day about it."

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Some small smidgens of holiday happenings began today at # 9, the place I call home.

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There is a long way to go. But I will string the lights on the tree this weekend (and please pray for me that the lights will not blow one or more fuses.) And I've finished and mailed a good amount of cards.
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And, sad to say, Milo left today to continue his world wide vacation tour: next stop is Vanessa in Arizona. It's my own fault, but it was not easy for some of us to bid him farewell.
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Thursday 13: Heart Sisters

I am not going to name names in this post. Please do me the honor of knowing who you are.
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Scene 1:This is a bamboo forest in Iran. Only this year did I learn how beautiful Iran is, and that is because a special blog friend sent me some incredible photos of her country.

Scene 2: A blog friend sent me an email yesterday and called me her Heart Sister. Instantly something fell into place for me: 'blog friend' doesn't come close to how I feel about many of the relationships and friendships I so gratefully enjoy from blogging. One of my best friends in my "real" life here and I have been calling one another 'sister friends' for a number of years now, and because I don't have any sisters and she is damn close to one, that term is already reserved. So when my friend said 'heart sister', I knew that is close to perfect.
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Scene 3: I read the Boston Globe editorial on Iran today: "Despite beatings and arrests, students in Tehran and many other Iranian cities showed that they will not be intimidated...There are 3.5 million university students out of a population of 70 million in Iran, and they have always been the nation's conscience, the source for revolution."
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Scene 4: I open a holiday card that arrived in the mail and I find two hand painted angels--one called 'kj's angel' and the other with the most unique breasts that make me laugh out loud, and I thank God for a Twinkly Heart Sister who has touched me deeply with such a special gesture. I don't have her permission to share these gems yet, but I hope to. She is my twinklierest twin.

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Scene 5: I know that my Heart Sister in Iran cannot get regular internet access, lives in fear, worries that the rest of the world does not accurately know the situation in her country. I pray that the prayers and thoughts of many of her heart sisters and heart brothers can somehow protect her.
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Scene 6: My heart sister in Winnipeg has been sick and I worry so much for her. I sometimes wonder why I let myself love her so much. But then I think of her smile and her incredible mix of irreverence and humor and grit and unfailing generous KINDNESS and WISDOM and I can't imagine not loving her. She is irreplaceable.
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Scene 7: Heart Sisters. Hmmm, is that what these special women are to me? (and several men, you know who you are too, who may have to suffer the indignity, if they are willing, of being my Heart Sisters too). Often without physical bodies, without the connections of community or work or mutual friends, my Heart Sisters have taken residence in my life, for real. I do not say this as metaphor. I mean for real. From Australia, Argentina, England, Malaysia, the Nederlands, the Philippines, Canada, British Columbia, India: my Heart Sisters from across the globe.
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Scene 8: Heart sisters in Rhode Island, California, Sydney, Oklahoma: each has moved from the blogs to my "real life" and has lifted me up and carried me across when I was pretty down and out. And there is recently the growing wonderful potential of a West Coast heart sister who skips when she walks and uses her camera to find magic in the mundane.
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Scene 9: This is real: I have been given the gift of bonafide Heart Sisters. Thank you thank you thank you Universe. You know who you are, don't you?
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Scene 10, 11, 12, and 13: May I be your Heart Sister back?

Animal Wednesday: Bugs & Bonds

Milo, would you like to go to a movie?

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Aw, no thanks, Roweena's going to teach me to play scrabble.

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Milo, would you like a hot fudge sundae?

Not right now, Roweena and I are just relaxing.

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Anybody for hot chocolate?

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That sounds nice....

but would you mind if Roweena and I have it here

so we can keep talking?

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Video games? Want to play video games?

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Maybe later? Roweena is telling me about her family

and what it was like to grow up in Bunnyville.

Milo, do you like miniature golf?

That sounds nice, but I'm teaching Roweena

some silly jokes.

Hey you two: we could take a walk in the park.

Oh but we're so comfortable here in the back yard.

Wow! How about we go to New York City

for the weekend and see the giant Christmas tree

all lit up on 42nd Street?

Gee, we kind of like looking at this tree.

Milo, you just have a couple of days left here.

We could do anything you want.

We could go shopping.

We could ice state, roller skate, stay up late.

What would you like to do?

Would you mind very much if Roweena and I took a nap?

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You can't put a price on friendship.

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After life in the closet and midway through his world wide vacation tour, Milo Bug has found a best friend. He and Roweena can be quietly heard wondering how they will maintain their connection with one another once Milo leaves for his next destination in a couple of days.

When I saw that Milo was feeling pretty sad about leaving Roweena, I told him that love has deep roots, strong glue, and angel wings.
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Thank you Deborah for letting Milo come to # 9. I'm quite sure he had a very nice time.

Poof!

Well! It seems I have a new writing project and it may be a novel of stand alone paragraphs. (Explanation: This means writing a paragraph that is a whole story in itself. It may serve as a 'chapter' to a larger story, but it doesn't need to and might not. )

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How it turned out that this is what I will write for some or all of Novel 2 I cannot say, but I am excited about it. I do know that it is going to demand that my writing is concise, colorful, fair, and focused. For a week now I am scribbling paragraphs in my moleskine, on napkins, on grocery store receipts, even in my appointment book while I drive.

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I will try to post once a week or so, but I'm not certain if I will or won't. Please keep in mind there is no order (yet) to this story; the characters come from me, not from the law of the universe; and perspective is everything. The most important goal I have is to make every word count, to avoid using words that do not carry their own weight.

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Thank you as always for taking the time to read this and anything else I write. You have no idea how much your comments mean to me.

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Poof!

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One day Catherine was there and then she wasn’t. In her own way she gave ample warning: she boasted of six marriage proposals and over the years she had had at least three best friends, none of whom were still around. She relied on her own version of generosity, which was well received as long as demands were not made of her. She enticed through pure adoration, showering the object of her affection with playful provocations and softly spoken devotion. She possessed a rare intelligence and a passion so strong that it was all too easy to believe that her blood could not flow, her hands could not paint, her mind could not find peace without her chosen muse and sage and some version of lover in absentia. She would maintain this intense and singular focus for a year or two even, until she was fenced in by expectation. And when that occurred, her exit would be swift and absolute, matter-of-fact and callous. She had no problem identifying her reasons for leaving. She simply threw her head back and laughed: hahaha, she said with obvious impatience--any one who knows me would have known I was just having fun. You're the one who spoiled it. And poof! She was not-so-merrily on her way, in search of her next best friend.

Holiday Mish Mash

I'm tired. I had quite a weekend doing very little. I am posting some holiday pictures from years past because my tree is still outside, the decorations are still in the cellar, and I am contently taking my time making and buying presents for whoever I want to.

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I love giving presents, I like that more than receiving them. I put some thought into gift giving so I don't make the preparations easy for myself. JB and I and Jessica and now my son-in-law Mike and of course Mr. Ryan all have Christmas stockings and we fill them with abundant little gifts that say "I think you'll like this because I know who you are." We sometimes take two hours just opening our stockings, one present at a time, ooohing and laughing at each little thoughtful present. On Christmas day we will cook a great dinner--this year roast beef and gravy, mashed potatoes, shrimp scampi, vegetables to be determined, and dammit, I'm going to try for the fifth time to make popovers that RISE!

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This weekend JB and I went to a craft fair and bought several gifts for our family and friends. There are gifts and bags all over the house, not to mention my scattered efforts to make my own cards and maybe create a few special little gifts for a few special friends. This weekend JB and I also finally began to tackle the cord of fire wood that has been piled mile high in the yard. I love to stack wood. I try to do it so it looks like a photo opportunity. My back doesn't like it, but I do.
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Anyway, it's late and I'm rambling. I am not feeling stressed about the holidays and I'm glad about that. Last Christmas I was close to a basket case and I'm glad I'm not a basket case this year. I'm putting my efforts into being grateful and generous instead.

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xoxo

kj

Six Word Saturday: Be Your Own Piece of Peace

Artwork by Chintsala

Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviors. Keep your behaviors positive because your behaviors become your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny. M.K. Gandhi

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I came across this quote on Facebook yesterday at about the same time I read my daily dose of Dear Abby (which by the way is now called Dear Margo.) Both got me thinking: Okay already--I know my happiness is in my own hands. I know I can choose to lean toward healing and helping and away from hurting and blaming. Theoretically, I know this 100%. Of course Gandhi is right. End of case. But do I hold on and act from this place when I most need to? Ha! So when I read Dear Abby aka Margo's column yesterday it was none too soon. The column was entitled:

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Words to remember to help fight fair.

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Perfect.

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I'll take some of that. In fact, I'm sharing my portion.

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God and everyone else knows the holidays are stressful; even when they're good, they're stressful. It's no crime to want to punch Uncle Billy in the nose for his table manners, tell Sister Sally you've had enough of her whining, react in shock and indignation because your partner and your kids overlook something that matters monumentally to you.

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So when (and let's face it: it's when, not 'if") you find yourself in holiday conflict, here's some practical advice, above and below, from a couple gurus plus me:

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By way of Gretchen Rubin at http://www.happiness-project.com/, Dear Margo, & yours truly kjbabe:

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Phrases to keep your significant other conflagrations on the down-low:

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Please try to understand my point of view.

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Wait, can I take that back?

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You don't have to solve this--it helps me to just talk to you.

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This is important to me. Please listen.

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I overreacted.

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I see you're in a tough position.

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I can see my part in this.

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I hadn't thought of it that way before.

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I could be wrong.

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Let's agree to disagree on that.

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This isn't just your problem; it's our problem.

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I'm feeling unappreciated.

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We're getting of the subject.

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You've convinced me.

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Let's take a break for a few minutes. (note: this is one of the best when tempers flare)

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Please keep talking to me.

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I realize it's not your fault.

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That came out all wrong.

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I see how I contributed to the problem.

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What are we really fighting about?

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How can I make things better.

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I'm sorry.

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I love you.

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And, at no extra charge, against my better judgement, the final word goes to Ms. Emily Rabbit:

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It's me, Emily. Just in case, I keep it simple and say this:

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It's all your fault!

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I am innocent!

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Give me a present and I'll forget everything.

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BAAHAHABAAHAABOOHOOBAAHAABOOHOO.

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Happy weekend.

Love

kj

Rosie Girl

Before Stella, there was Rosie. She was a very special dog and a very huge presence in my life. I know I will see her again.

Rosie Girl

Rosie girl, tell me about heaven.
I expect you to greet me,
Your soft stub of a tail wagging so effortlessly
That I will see you even in the back row,
And even in the faraway barley fields,
Your enthusiasm rocked by the flow
Of something never lost,
Something never handed over.

Rosie, tell me what I should know about living
So I can get it right.
Tell me if abundance is real,
And if it is,
Tell me I can turn in my leash for a dance card
And stroll and roll through the back woods
Knowing that every sacred scent is in place.

Tell me, Rosie, that it is enough to try,
Enough to care, enough to prepare,
Enough to get it right simply because
It’s all right.
I’m unable to know these things myself
But I trust you, Rosie.
Now you know what matters most
And what matters not at all.

Can you tell me about hearts?
Mine is pretty deep these days,
But still I wonder how far hearts can stretch--
Especially In the moments when they work overtime.
I wonder if perhaps a heart does not break
But maybe snaps instead,
A little fragment breaking off to rest somewhere in isolation
So that certain memories and longings cannot be harmed.
Sometimes I wonder if I am up to the task
Of letting every broken fragment finds its resting place
Even if it means I can’t be whole.

Tell me Rosie, do I have to be whole
If given the chance for love to stretch me
So far outside my safe walls
That I forget I am confused and instead
Feel only gratitude and greatness?
Rosie girl, I will spend my days
Asking questions like this
And letting the answers and clues
Guide me home.
And Rosie girl, I will run straight to you
Even before your ears shoot up
For our hearts’ reunion of a lifetime.

For No Good Reason...

Here are some scenes I'm just liking.

You can't help but like this little guy. He is thoroughly good natured.

Debra Kay & the Labyrinth in Provincetown

Where would I be without my navigation system? I can tell you: I would still be lost.


It's Thursday night. I am off tomorrow and no work until Monday.

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I have a special assignment tomorrow that is top secret.

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The only hint I will give is that it involves love.

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I will also fall into the holiday season tomorrow.

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I will write out some cards.

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Shop at a craft fair.

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Perhaps buy the tree.

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Stack the wood?

Maybe.

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It's been too long since I've been my old silly self.

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I want me back.

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I want me back.

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I want me back.

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(Say it three times and it's yours)

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xoxo

Animal Wednesday: Emily on Happiness

(You click on this and it will make it bigger)

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Hello, it's me Emily. Things have been very busy around here because kj made an apple pie and cooked dinner for Thanksgiving and then she has this house guest named Milo Bug who is fun and talks alot and I introduced him to my cousin Rowena Rabbit and now we are all watching them because they like each other and kj doesn't know exactly what that means and I certainly don't know either since I am just a little rabbit trying to have fun in life. I saw Rowena sniff Milo behind the ear once but I don't know what that means either.

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So today I thought I would introduce you to kj's Happiness Cards. there are 50 of them and she made them a long time ago because she has these ten things that she thinks will help people be happy so she wrote some little sayings about each thing and this week she found them and decided to have them printed and maybe give some away as gifts, so I added some advice of my own and now kj and I are going to try something new here because we are going to talk to each other a little bit about what is good for people and rabbits and of course we probably don't agree.

Here goes:

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Me: Hello kj. It's me Emily. First of all, what are ten things you think make people happy? And do they work for rabbits?

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kj: Hello Emily. Gee, we've never done this before. Well, I call them 10 Principles. In a nutshell, I think they work for anyone. Here they are:

Keep It Simple

Stay Present

Live with a Purpose

Laugh and Cry

Bend Bend Bend

Do Good Work

Give Yourself a Break

Keep Conflict to a Minimum

Connect

Create

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Me: Why don't you just say to throw peas and eat jellybeans?

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kj: Emily, I don't know why you leave out that you broke a window pane once throwing those peas and you scared Stella when you escalated to throwing frozen artichoke hearts. You can't be telling people to have temper tantrums like that. And all those jellybeans are not healthy.

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Me: This is when I am smarter than you, kj, even though I am little. I hope you are not offended but why would you worry or be polite instead of doing the simple things I do to feel better? And you know if they don't work you can always lie down on the ground and stomp your feet in the air and cry really really loud at the same time.

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kj: Emily, you got arrested doing that once.

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Me: It is not nice of you to bring that up because it was not my fault and besides it was not nice that I was so scared that you were not going to pay my bail and get me out of jail. You need to be sweeter to me, kj. Maybe that would make you feel happy, just doing that, right?

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kj: I am sorry that I brought that up but I am still upset about the time we were at the Chinese Restaurant and you threw yourself on the ground and cried so loud they asked us to leave--all because I wanted you to use utensils to eat your chop suey.

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Me: Oh, I remember that, kj. Wasn't it funny when that man who said he was a veterinarian came over and offered to help me and I told him to leave me alone because I was crying deep from my stomach and that was good for me even though he said he thought I was breathing too fast?

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kj: Emily, you get me in a lot of trouble sometimes. And then I have to pay you $10 to write this blog column every week. What do YOU think is the secret to a happy life?

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Me: Don't be afraid to get in trouble, that's the first thing.

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kj: What else?

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Me: If you get too serious, forget that and go have fun instead.

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kj: And....

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Me: You're right about keeping it simple, kj: Jellybeans, hills to roll down, crying from your stomach, what more does anyone need?

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kj: How about friends, Emily? Don't we all need friends?

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Me: Oh! Yes! That's true. Like my best friend Marianne, and all the friends who visit me and you too here, kj. They make me laugh sometimes and they are nice most of the time, especially when I get a lot of attention, which everybody knows is one of my favorite things. So okay, friends too. But that doesn't take the place of jellybeans, right? Don't forget that part.

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Okay, it's me Emily again. That is enough talking to kj. I heard her say she might give away a set of her Happiness Cards--I'll let you know if she does because they are actually not too bad, advice-wise.

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That's it for today. I hope you learned something. If you didn't, don't forget it's not my fault.

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Yours truly,
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Emily Rabbit

A Brief Story

(Please note: Ah! If you're looking for Milo, scroll down one post and you'll find him quite enjoying himself...Until then:)

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I'd begun to post some excerpts from book # 2, a novel-memoir that I thought I would be able to share here, at least selectively. But I'm learning this is not the time or place. Much of the story is too raw, too personal, too unfamiliar, too risky even, to be putting out while I'm still in the deep process of figuring out what and who I'm actually really writing about.

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So to those of you who started to follow my characters, they'll more than likely be back, but not now. Instead, I've decided to write a story a week, with one self imposed guideline: the complete story can be no longer than one paragraph.

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Perhaps a loosely defined paragraph, but that's all. Mostly Short. Brief. Concise.

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Contrition

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I had left three (vague) messages before I finally reached him at the rectory. He sounded gruff.

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"What's this about?" he asked.

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"My mother can't live alone anymore and she won't move in with me because I'm a lesbian."

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Pause. "Well, its not her sin."

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Slience: The sound of smashing glass.

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"Father...I am not interested in discussing this with you. I just want you to tell my mother it's okay for her to live with me."

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"Well, you are her daughter." Pause. "That's the most important thing." Pause. "Okay, I'll tell her."

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Pause. "Thank you Father."

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Silence: The sound of breathing out.

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The changes in red were added afterwards. When you read the comments, you'll understand why. Even stories are in the eye of the beholder... xoxo

Milo is an Extrovert

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I've been surprised to find Milo up and ready to greet me first thing each morning. He patiently waits until I pour my first cup of coffee and then there's no stopping him: he talks about anything and everything: his life in Deborah's closet, the wonderful visits he has had with Cori and Rhonda Roo and Marie and Godeliva, his hopes and dreams for true love, and his plans for the day. Who knew Milo was such an extrovert?

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He's gotten advice about upgrading his wardrobe;

Cuddled with Angel Angel who then introduced him to Esther and Mildred.

and the four of them have sat on the couch for hours shooting the breeze.

He's spent time on with these two,

who have taught him multiplication tables

And he's been befriended by Francine,

who's given him a cooking lesson

Milo has had no difficulty charming his way into the hearts

of certain ladies in the household

but it was surprisingly discovered that,

in addition to his fear of large dogs,

he is also afraid of geese.

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But a little patience and encouragement

saved the day:

Recently Milo and Dolly have been almost inseparable,

except when Milo and Stella relax together.

Milo joined everyone for Thanksgiving Dinner,

and it was then that a major surprise occurred,

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preceded by Emily Rabbit innocently introducing him

to her cousin Rowena Rabbit.

We tried not to look....



But don't they both look a little stunned?



To be continued.....