Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Animal Wednesday: Emily Rabbit Solicits kj

&&^%$#@@!** I received this letter from Emily today, who has not been heard from since she's been on the run for stealing avocados from the Carpinteria Avocado Festival:

dear kj,

HELP! it's me, emily. i need $ 132.32 immediately! if you don't send it i could get arrested again and i can't because i promised my friend anne in Indiana 10 dozen frozen avocados so she can throw them whenever she wants and plus i have to pay my fine to the Carpinteria police department and then i have to locate 120 avocados from someone who won't notice i took them so i can get them mailed to anne who i think already has a list of people she may want to bop.

i told her it is okay if she throws them at mean people and definitely she can aim them at any wall or garage door any time she thinks that's better than bopping someone even if they deserve it and maybe getting arrested when she really should just be relaxing on the couch.

i know you told me you are not going to give me any more bail money but this is for a good cause and it really isn't exactly for bail. the police chief said i wouldn't have to spend any time in jail if i just paid up and promised not to come back. i didn't tell him my friend lori lives in carpinteria and of course i will come back to see her of but i knew it was better to just smile and nod my head so i did and he said okay give me the money.

please wire the money right away, kj. if you need to, take up a collection for me and you can tell everyone who contributes that i will give them 1% of all the money my business manager jos and i will make selling frozen avocados and don't forget all the pits can be recycled so you get to throw them twice! the police chief in carpinteria said i am promoting violence but you know i'm not because the instructions that come with the avocados say you should only throw them at mean people.

i need you to send the money asap kj! don't forget i'm just a little rabbit and i need adult help sometimes.

love emily v. v. rabbit


  1. Oh, kj! This is so sad; emily's life of crime is catching up with her. It really is the pits, isn't it, stealing avocados.

    Tell her that, once she has served her sentence, you'll let emily come back home, and we'll all help her give up her life of crime.

  2. I used to think that Emily was jus another cute little miscreant, but I've started to wonder if her last name isn't Parker, as in Bonnie. I think I saw her on the local news tonight as being wanted for something or other. Of course, that rabbit might have just looked like her. As you know, her "people" all look alike to us partially white former Mississippi Protestants and anti-patriots with radical tendencies in all sorts of areas.

  3. secret letter to rob bear, it's me, emily, rob bear. i am not serving any sentence. all i am doing is trying to start a business so i don't have to worry about my jellynbean supply. and why would i give up a life of crime sometime? i love having fun except the jail part. bears are not angels either....

    snow, my people are all colors like yours. mine are more tolerant and more michevious though, which i think is good because look at all the fun i have and i get to yell and complain whenever i want. thank you for not making a comment about how verile rabbits are (is that the word?) because even though i am too little to understand what that means i know it's not so good unless you are a republican and then you brag about it.

    sincerely yours
    emily r.

  4. Count me in. I need some frozen bombs to wack my noisy neighbors with. It's gonna be another loud, obnoxious football weekend (heh heh...but I think it might rain, which will keep the noise makers off my steps.) But if it doesn't, I'm all for setting up my FAS (Frozen Avacado Slingshot)in my bedroom window and finding my won brand of "SCORE!"

  5. Emily can get herself into so many interesting predicaments. Wish I could contribute but I have spent all my money on peppers.

  6. Dear Emily,

    What a pickle you're in,
    What tribulation and trial,
    And all for a cause
    That give me broad smiles!

    Yes, KJ should bail you,
    Wire the money,
    And help out a thoughtful
    Ingenious bunny.

    Frequently though, in this
    Life that we lead
    Folks just don't understand
    It's no crime or misdeed

    To want to be useful,
    To help out a friend
    And make a few bucks--
    After all--in the end!

    So hang in there Em
    And have faith in that chick
    Who'll indeed save your tail
    With a handy mouse-click!

    ~~Emily, you are a handful and quite smart for your age. I think the avocados are a GOOD enterprise and hope this all resolves itself....


  7. ms annie, you are obviously very smart. i will send you a free supply of frozen avocados as soon as i get out of this jam with the police chief. you have your own shooter???? how clever you are!!!!
    i would like to see it. how far does it shoot? FAS! perfect! do ou know jos my business manager? kj says you do. do you want to be assistant business manager. maybe jos can offer you a percentage.

    suki, oh! peppers are good too. you don't have to throw them, you can just slip them into someone's carrot soup. they're hot, right? i had no idea you were raising peppers. good idea!

    thank you anne
    you know i'm a fan
    i'm trying my best
    to avoid a big mess
    and stay out of that mean messy can.

    i hope kj reads
    your very good pleas
    she should be nicer to me
    afterall you are right
    i have jellies in sight
    and all your avocados are free

    anne i think you are a handful and quite smart for your age too. maybe you want to be the great american shooter company resident poet? i know it
    would be good
    if you would

    yours truly
    emily r.

  8. Hmmmmm......
    *Resident Poet*
    I think I like that title very much.


    The poem sounded much better this morning when I could barely see or think. I apologize for the meter being a bit off.
    Waking at 3 a.m. and not getting my brain sleep is a little much..... ;-D

  9. anne,

    the poem is quite fine
    every line rhymes
    if the meter's not right
    your touch is so light
    that no one would know
    and if they did, so?

    the title is now
    yours til the cows
    come home oh wait stop:
    do cows hop?

    see: my meter is off too and do i care? NO!

    your friend

  10. Hmmmm. The pits I am behind throwing at people but the WHOLE avocado? Now that just makes me sad. Tell Emily Rabbit that she can throw something not quite as delicious, like brussel sprouts, just fine. :)

  11. Emily,

    As long as the initials following my name, to clarify I am Resident Poet are just *R. P.* and not accidentally *R.I.P* I will be happy!
    HAR! HAR! ;-D


  12. kJ! Haven't you bailed her out already? You know that you have a serious responsibility when you imagine someone into existence and then they start doing crazy things and you have to keep them out of trouble! It's the law! we're gonna have to bail you out if you don't follow the rules my dear and it'll be way more than $132.32. For goodness sake send the rabbit some money and then send her here to liven up miss em!

  13. wait emily, hold off on the brussels sprouts, i like them too much!

    what is that police chief
    bothered about?
    avocado stealing can't be
    a problem, i seriously doubt.

    avocados here are
    out of control,
    they are falling off trees
    there are so many
    their up to our knees!

    he should be begging you
    to take them PLEASE!

    p.s. meet me at the old orchard,
    6am, near the big oak tree, and bring a big basket or 2 priority mail boxes. shhh.

  14. oh my, she's very persuasive isn't she...tho i can understand why...avocados are one of my staples here! thank you darlin for your supportive words about my art...yes cards would be good...but a bit expensive to have printed so, for the time being, prints it is....hope all goes well over your way...my love to you...

  15. Good to hear from Emily again and of course she is in trouble. HAhahaha but nothing she can't escape from .
    Come on KJ just send her the money. You can do it!

  16. KJ can you please pass this little note on to Emily for me. Many thanks xx Jos

    Dear Emily

    The life of a business bunny does seem in your case to be more than usually "eventful". I have been wondering when I would next hear from you as it has been some while since our last business discussions. I hope you have managed to sort out your current legal crisis so that we can get back to work soon.

    Do you need me to offer any assistance in this regard? I am not in a position to offer anything financially as my assests are fully engaged elsewhere, but I might be able to persuade KJ to part with some of her hard earned loot for a small percentage to be agreed prior to furtherance of this matter.

    How goes it sorting out the avocado supply issues? Also have you given any thought to the requirement for a Poet In Residence? I think this is super important and I'm pretty sure we'll get massive benefits. I think you'll agree that the case for this is overwhelming.

    On to practical matters at hand. I have at long last perfected my scaled down trebuchet and thus we are good to go on that front. Interestingly I have also become aware that an esteemed potential business colleague and entrepeneur extraordinaire is developing a frozen avocado slingshot (FAS) which I think has HUGE potential.

    All very exciting but this will all be to no avail unless the avocado supply issues are resolved in short order.

    I await your return to work with much anticipation.

    Kind regards Jos
    DipBS, DipMoreBS, Associate Member of the Chartered Institute of BS

  17. Kj, good to be back here! Oh emily, what a bad bad rabbit. I think you should employ a social worker forthwith. Mind you, as soon as emily finds out, she'll probably start those pips a-flying again. Please send her the money and don't be a meany. When she gets home, give her a huge pile of avacadoes (prodigal son/rabbit and all that). xxx

  18. ms. phoenix, i give lessons in throwing frozen peas too....

    anne, but what's wrong with RIP Resident Intelligent Poet, or Resident Ingenious Poet? in any case, you are hired. you have the job and it is a lifetime appointment.
    but what rhymes with avocado?

    she sent the money, mim! and guess what?--i'm thinking insteading of paying that police chief i might just stock up on gummy bears....what do you think?

    lori, you are so clever
    who cares if i sever
    what the police chief said
    and instead
    i will meet you with glee
    but which oak tree?
    the big one that smiles
    or the little one near the piles?

    ps thank you lori
    you won't be sorry
    2% for you
    and an extra boo hoo xo

    or the one

  19. chrisy, maybe you want to be the australian sales representative?

    marianne my best friend.
    she sent the money
    it was funny
    the day is sunny
    and i weigh a ton-ey
    from all those gummies
    that are so yummy
    you would have done the same thing, right marianne?

    jos, i am just about ready. i am solving my legal problems by wearing sunglasses so i won't be recognized if the authorities are still looking for me.

    so we have two new members of our company: a resident poet (anne is good, yay). and annie the inventor. i will be in contact soon. i'm still on the run but i think the sunglasses will work. but lori is going to help me big time. i think we should offer her a big position.


  20. So glad Emily's back! I'm happy your crisis seems solved, Emily!! xx

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