Chapter 29: A Soliloquy*

Alex shut off the hot water faucet and let an ice cold stream splash onto her face. Years ago, there had been weekends when she followed this routine hoping to wash away her guilt, but not so this morning. She was remotely sick and unsettled. Two nights ago she unpacked the contents of her suitcase into a five drawer oak dresser and laid out her toiletries and makeup in Lily’s bathroom. Through the grey steam of her shower, she looked around in disbelief. For the first time, she was here without secrets. For the weeks and months that would follow, she would know deep sadness for her children, for Mike, for her illness, for the burden she was putting on them and on Lily, but she would no longer smother from a blanket of shame.
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Alex wrapped an oversized towel around her too-thin body, rubbed dry her peach-fuzz hair, and slipped on the Minnie Mouse slippers that Amy had excitedly given her last Christmas. She walked down the hall to the living room and motioned to Lily, who was sitting on the couch, her feet propped on the cracked leather hassock.

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“Hey honeygirl…” Alex said.

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Lily looked up from her book and smiled.

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“How was your shower?”

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“Good. Great”. Alex paused. “Lily, I love you so much.. Do you know?”

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Lily nodded. “I do. I love you so much too”.

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“Are you sure you’re up for this?”

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“Yes”, Lily said, “I am”. Then she paused. “But I worry about you…I don’t know if you should be away from the kids, even away from Mike. I’m here, Alex. I’m not going anywhere. But we can’t have you struggling, worrying about Andy and Amy…and…”
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Alex sat down, stretched out and laid her head on Lily’s lap. Lily caressed her stubble head, aware that a necessary discussion would now begin.
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“Lily”, Alex said, “Andy was 10, Amy was 9 when you and I stopped seeing each other. I went to counseling, I went to confession, I buried myself in my work, I tried to be parent of the year…”

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Alex pushed her words forward. “And I tried to be a devoted wife. I never questioned my obligation and responsibility to my family. I knew I could never live with myself if I abandoned Mike and the kids, no matter how much I loved you. There was really no choice: the kids needed me, the guilt would have destroyed me.”

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Lily looked down at Alex and spoke slowly, thoughtfully.

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“Alex, how are we going to make this work? I can’t imagine that seeing the kids twice a week will be enough, and what happens when they need you, when there’s a problem at home…”

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Impulsive feisty Alex looked anything but. She knew these questions by heart.
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“Lily, do you remember when Mike cheated on me in San Francisco? He said it meant nothing—but I never forgot how betrayed and violated I felt. That helped me hold back my feelings for you for how long, Lily—almost ten years? But for me, I could never say it meant nothing—I could no more reason or control my love for you than I could stop breathing. Maybe I couldn’t get past the shame and guilt but I deeply loved you then."

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For a moment Alex stopped. "And now.”
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“Six years ago I chose my family. I knew it was the right thing, the only thing I could do. It’s been six intolerable years. I never stopped thinking of you. I hoped you might call me and try to reconnect, but I knew you wouldn’t.”

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“I don’t know how I am going be away from Andy and Amy. It’s torture, really. But when I heard that diagnosis, some colossal shift happened inside me. Something shook me up one side and down the other. I longed for you, Lily. I could no longer accept living, or dying for that matter, without you, without trying. Like my dues were finally paid. Like time was literally slipping away."

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Alex is crying. Her words are encased in small sobs.

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“Alex…” Lily is crying too.

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“No, please Lily, I need to say this. All my life I’ve struggled to do the right thing, and when I had kids it was so great that I finally just knew what the right thing was. I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t do for them….”

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"I can’t imagine dying before they’re grown. I think about their dates and friends and graduations from high school and college, their weddings, their own children… to think that I might not be there, how will they possibly survive without me?”

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The words are sputtering out, halted by Alex’s efforts to manage her breath.
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“I’ve written cards to them for their graduations and weddings and babies. Paula has them tucked away for me. And I’ve talked to them a lot about all of this. I let them know I might not be here but I am doing every frickin thing I can to come out of this whole. I’ve told them where to look for me in the night sky, just in case. "
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"And I’ve told them about us, Lily. We sat in the kitchen for an hour one night—the three of us, and I tried to explain. They were shocked, furious really--Andy was totally disgusted. I don’t think it’s possible for either of them to understand how I could love and need you this much, how I could ever leave their father and our home, whether I were sick or not. "
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"And I the truth is I can’t explain it either. I just know that whatever time I have in this life, it has to include you-- that I have to be there for you too. Some things are just that simple-- like, when the world is ending, or when you’re dying, what do you long for?"
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"Most people probably see me as incredibly selfish: Paula was so disgusted-- I think she expected me to reason it out with her and come to my senses. She pushed and pushed until I broke down and couldn’t stop crying. She was so shocked to see me like that—tough wise guy me—but I think she finally understood.”

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“Understood what, Alex?”

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“Lily, I have stage 3 cancer. I have people I dearly love. I can be depressed or I can be happy, and I choose happy, Is that an over simplification? Maybe it is, but it is really that simple for me these days. I’m happy with you in ways I have never felt with anyone else and anywhere else in all my life. I am…myself. It’s taken me 44 years. And you know what: I would want my kids to do that for themselves in their lives. That’s the simple bottom line. ”

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Lily’s voice, soft and kind, was strangely grounded.

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“Alex, we won’t lose each other again. I swear to you we won’t. But, do you…maybe we could still….”

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“No Lily”, Alex said. “I was drowning. Remember what you said the first night we met, when I asked you about obligation and responsibility?”

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Lily remembered,"If you can’t swim…….”

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Her long soft fingers stroked Alex’s forehead, slowly moving down just below her right earlobe, and up again, over and over again. She could feel Alex’s tension rise and soften, rise and soften.
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“I pray I will be a better mother, a better person, a stronger person, a healthier person because of my choices. Maybe I’m making another giant mistake—but I have to do this. Sometimes I hope maybe this can free Mike up in some way too. I just have to trust it’s the right thing. I can’t help crying about it—the pain of it-- Lily, you have to understand that—I worry non stop about the kids and Mike and how they’ll do with it all. And I pray there’ll be a time when Amy and Andy come around and are comfortable here, accepting of us, in this house. Either way I am their mother and they know that. I know they do. But it’s been six—really ten-- years. I haven’t felt whole for one moment in all that time. And the thought of you without me was worse than the reality of me without you. I worried about you all the time. I’ve come to you sick and weak —I can’t tell you I’ll be around when your book is published or that we’ll to retire together to some little island somewhere with our magazines and flower gardens—I know it’s a terrible time to ask you to commit to me again, but I’m full of love, Lily, and I will take care of you however I can for as long as I live.”
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On this Sunday morning on a cocoa colored Crate and Barrel couch, their bodies motionless, while Paul Simon sang “Graceland” in the background, Lily and Alex held on to one another for a very long time.

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And then, Alex sat up and looked directly at Lily.

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“If I should die, I’ll keep the light on for you. Don’t, don’t forget that.”

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Lily paused, shook her head and smiled.

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“Alex, that is so hokey trite. But still, it’s good to know.”

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*Spelling adjusted by special request...