Saturday

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I love it when I get to see where someone I care about lives. I hope I don't bore you showing you my yard, which is where I've spent the day today.

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This is the side yard and this is JB's studio, called the Magic Cottage. When is warm enough to wear short sleeves and cold enough to be comfortable, like today, JB and I love the process of opening up and welcoming the yard after a snow filled winter. We bring out our lawn furniture and check out every plant and bush and tree.

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Last year I planted a couple of small trees; the front one is a peach tree. I have never planted any kind of fruit tree before and the branches were so full of peaches everything ended up on the ground. So today I pruned. I kept the stronger branches and cut all the little ones. My fingers are crossed.

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Like blogging, I am determined not let gardening be anything but fun. I don't mind taking my sweet old time. Today I cut back a bush that hadn't been touched for years, raked up the leaves all under it, mixed a wheel barrel of top soil and manure (I don't touch) and peat moss, planted three lilies, and turned over and mixed the soil in my backyard flower bed.
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JB did even more.
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And we hauled up our patio furniture, opened the umbrella, spread out the cozy chairs, and did a little planning and planting and pruning in a few areas, here and there.

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We had lunch and dinner outside.

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We bought perrenials at a church fair.

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JB put these azaleas in water. I don't know if floating them like this will work, but my picture doesn't do it justice. Beautiful and serene.

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How often do I take a break in one of these chairs? Very often.

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The back yard slowly came to life today. There is so much landscaping to be done, but I'm in no rush. I tackle little sections at a time, like my Mother's theory of cleaning 'one wall at a time.'
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Aaaaah. Agggh. Some rain must fall even on a fine day. This is our new floor in the very tiny laundry room. You can see our royal blue washer and dryer, which just arrived yesterday. So far so good. But....our trusty carpenter has been preoccupied with another project. He has squeezed us in and hasn't been his thoughtful reliable self. He was not here when the electrician put in the new plugs or when the plumber set up the new water thingy.

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The hole for the vent was cut in the wrong place on the floor. The outlets are too high so the plugs and wires show. The back door barely opens past the washing machine. We emptied our kitchen cabinets waiting for a cabinet removal that hasn't happened. The house is kind of a mess.

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Really, we've been pissed. And sad that this hasn't been the fun we expected. JB and I love making improvements to the house, especially when we don't have to do any of the work ourselves!

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But things happen. This is a guy who's been good to us. I keep telling myself: this is not a serious illness. This is not living an oppressive country. This is a little laundry and kitchen remodel. This is a person I think will make things right.

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I feel very mature saying this! I am trying to keep things in perspective these days.

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It's been a beautiful day. I have been outside all day doing what I love with a woman I love.

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I am not complaining. Not today. But since I am a very experienced and skilled and dedicated complainer, maybe tomorrow....

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Love

kj

A Heart on the Cutting Board

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I'm in search of hearts these days.

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And as usual, I'm thinking.

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When a heart "breaks", I have this image

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of shards imploding and landing

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all over the place.

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And someone moving to and fro

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trying to pick up the broken pieces.

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And then hoping they fit back together again.

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But what if hearts don't break like that?

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What if they stretch when they break?

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What if in time they heal

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with new and extra protective skin?

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What if there is more room for love

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than there was before?

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What if, when grief has its way

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and time finds its rhythm,

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What if you end up loving

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more than ever?

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Is this what's happening to me?

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I like the sound of that.

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Very much I like the sound of that.

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of course,

to be continued....

'Someone's Dog'

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You know how there are some wake-up moments in life when you can't pretend or hope anymore? Some months ago I had one of those moments lying on the floor with my dog Stella.
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Stella came to our home with a broken back. She had been rescued from the streets after a few months of what I imagine for her was utter confusion. It took almost two years before we could touch her without her tightening up. She is the first dog I have ever had who has a real dog bed, bought to make her orthopedic problems more comfortable. It is her safe haven and she loves it.
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Maybe because of her orthopedic problems or because she had never been a house dog , you have to lie down on the floor with Stella to cuddle and get physically close. Sometimes I just lie there with her, rubbing her neck and ears, and I tell her that she is forever safe and loved here. I tell her there will always be cookies.
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I remember someone else lying down with Stella. She had been afraid of dogs and she and Stella broke bread together in that lovely dog-human sort of way. I remember how gentle Stella was with her each time, how sweet and soft and patient.
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One day Stella stopped being Stella and instead was called 'someone's dog'. When I saw her referenced in that way, first I froze in disbelief and then I reluctantly understood.
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"She called you 'someone's dog." I am lying beside Stella on the floor on her bed and I whisper, "Stella, you are a wonderful dog. I won't let words like that find me anymore."
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Today Stella underwent tests for a small lump in her leg and a sudden limp that hasn't gone away. It is a mast cell tumor which must be removed. She is an old girl and we are not yet certain that the cancer has not spread, but we are told she has a reasonable chance for an excellent recovery.
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Before the test results were back, I spent today worrying about the worse possibility. I am hopeful tonight and we will take it one step at a time.
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I lay with Stella again tonight, we two stretched out on her bed, and I remembered that other moment. "'Someone's dog', my ass", I said. She will never be 'someone's dog'. She is Stella, MY dog. She is loyal to the ends of the earth and I maybe that's why I love dogs so much. In my world loyalty has the weight of gold. Within reason. Dogs know that. And so do I.
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Butt Is It Art?

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Given that I am a bit of a prude, how is it that I am conducting yet another sex survey? I must have been less shy last year. The survey this year feels like putting my ass on the line, which fortunately I am sometimes willing to do for educational or entertainment purposes. :)

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I have not decided whether to include most or all of last year's questions. Many of my beloved friends and visitors took part last year, and I am the lucky beneficiary of many new friends and visitors this year. So I want to shake things up a bit, and yet, it's hard to top last year's questions and answers.

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So..... this got me thinking, which is always dangerous!

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I am hereby SOLICITING questions from anyone who would like to know anything that is directly or remotely relevant to a good interesting honest sex survey! The time is now. The place is here.

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Please leave your question(s) here in my comments. You can do this anonymously if you prefer. (or if you are really shy you can email me). Please ask anything you would like to know. (I reserve the right to screen questions: I can't handle explicit explicit details and I don't think most of you can either).

The survey will likely be showing up sometime within the next week.

TADA: There will be one new addition to kj Babe's Second Annual Sex Survey: a special prize for the best answers. Last year Soulbrush would have won hands down! This year that special person will receive a handmade pin that can be worn with both casual and formal attire:

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This pin is part of a Butt Is It Art series down by a very funky and very fun Provincetown Cooperative artist named Lee Nemmers.

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Okay, I'm ready for questions now.

.Love kj

The Little Girl

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About two weeks ago I started looking for a story I wrote several years ago called "The Little Girl," but to my surprise I haven't been able to locate it anywhere.

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Until now.

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For unrelated reasons, tonight I decided I would go into my blog archives and look up the post I wrote exactly one year ago. I had no idea what it would be, but I've been traveling through a pretty significant transformation with a suitcase of sadness for the past couple of years and I wondered if by looking back a year I would be reassured that I still believe in deep love. (I do.)

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So when I located my post of one year ago I found the story of the little girl. This is a true story in honor of my Mother.

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I no longer give coincidence the weight I used to, so I have no doubt that this has appeared to me at just the right time. I thank you for the chance to share it.

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Love

kj

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The Little Girl

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The little girl left for school every day wearing some derivative of a red plaid dress with a black pattern leather belt that matched her shoes and her folded down white cotton ankle socks.
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Every day, usually just before she arrived at school, and sometimes during recess, she threw up. Every day she walked back home because she had soiled her dress or socks or coat, and on really bad days, everything.
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When the little girl opened the back door and and stepped into the kitchen, her mother was there waiting, ready to hug her and tell her how brave she was. She helped her little daughter change into a set of fresh clothes that were already laid out on the back of the kitchen chair, and within five minutes, she was on her way back to school, where she was the teacher’s favorite and popular and comical among her peers.

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The little girl is now a mother herself. She cannot imagine having the patience to clean vomit and prepare a second set of dress clothes every day. She loves her own daughter, but she cannot imagine this level of enduring patience. When she tells her friends about her childhood nervousness, she holds back tears when she says that her mother’s message—in word and deed—was that she was a courageous and strong little girl, never a shameful or difficult problem.
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The little girl who is now an adult knows that this message resonates with her still, and maybe that is why she is able to take risks and engage in life even when she throws up.

Animal Wednesday: Emily Rabbit's Year in Review

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Hello Everyone, it's me, Emily. I have been in Cleveland again visiting my favoriteUncle who is manufacturing jellybean pellets and I have been advising him on colors and favors, even though the pellets are actually grey we are coloring them and then adding sugar so no one will know that they are actually rabbit pellets and I am sure I won't get in trouble like I did at the church meeting because I am really just giving advice and Uncle Bunny usually knows what he is doing so I hope so.

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I thought I would show you some of my year in review today because I don't want anyone getting the idea that I am not a very versatile little rabbit with plenty of friends. I also thought I would give you some free advice because it is now springtime and I am in a good mood.

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Remember when I invested my money in the Stockpile market and they wouldn't give it back to me after they lost it? I still don't know why they put my money somewhere and then couldn't find it.

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My advice: Save a certain amount every week or every paycheck and let it grow somewhere even if it's in your sock drawer, because kj did this with her $ 20 bills and when she finally opened her piggy bank she was rich and she went on vacation.

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Or you could use some of your money and be nice by sharing it with someone who needs it because remember when we did this a while back and we raised money for acting lessons for a 13 year old girl and some money for Dreams International too and everyone was happy because it felt so good plus it was helpful? I myself have to save my money for my jellies and chocolate pretzels but I am happy to collect money for someone else and I might do it again so maybe you should save some in case I ask again soon.

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My advice: don't be too cheap when it comes to other people because kj says you never know...

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I don't like to brag that I am kind of famous because my Uncle Bunny was almost best friends with Janis Joplin but in case you didn't already know here is proof. Unfortunately Uncle Bunny got his heart broken anyway (not by Janis) which was very sad for a long time until he decided there was nothing he could do about it and then he took a yoga and meditation course which he said helped him and it probably did because he is now dating a model named Lucille and she seems to like him because he has a sneaky smile when ever he sees her.

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My advice: try to have at least one friend who might be famous but definitely don't have friends who don't care about your feelings or your heart and try to pick people who make you at least secretly if not sneakily smile at least some of the time.

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Boohoohoobooheehooboohoo! Remember when I got arrested? I am still very upset about it. It's a good thing it hasn't stopped me from getting in trouble in general because even though I would not want to end up in jail again I can't imagine not enjoying myself even if it means I might get caught or some mean person might not be nice to me for their own strict reasons.

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My advice: Always make sure you play enough, even if someone else doesn't like it.
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I don't want anyone to get the idea that I am not physically active but it's not my fault that I got kicked off the soccer team because the way they were playing was so boring and who would want to just kick a ball if you could have fun socking the people who get in your way and try to take the ball away from you and they are not even polite about it?

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My advice: Don't let anyone sock you around unless you don't mind and even then make sure you can sock them back; otherwise it's not fair.
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See that purple mark next to Mr. Budda? I have no idea where it came from or why, other than it matches my purple bikini but I'm not sure what that even means. Anyway, after Uncle Bunny started meditating I told kj to meditate too because her heart is still flying and fluttering around sometimes and even though she needs to move on about the friend who wasn't a friend she is still learning how and don't you agree that meditation is a good way to do that?

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My advice: OHM...oHM.....ohM. Breathe in, now out. OHM....
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Do you have your own dragon? So you know any dragons? Because they can be very helpful if you want to fly or you need to scare someone or even if you just want interesting company sometimes.

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My advice: It's good to have a variety of friends and even better if they are different than you because even though I myself cannot blow smoke from my nose or use my tail to knock grass out of the way I can enjoy hopping on my friend's back like this and playing and by the way she rarely gets mad so I don't see the smoke very much, which is good because once she melted all the candles on kj's porch and guess who got blamed for it?

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Speaking of friends, this as you might know is Muck, Truck and F___ Duck. kj still says I can't say "Fuck" but jeez if it's your name what are you supposed to do? Anyway, we play at the beach and I bob on their backs and they are very good and fun friends even though sometimes they talk too much.

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My advice: See above: friends who are different from you keep you bobbing and hopping and flying.
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Here I am pretending I am on a tropical island and of course I am wearing my purple pokadot bikini, which by the way I am replacing this year but I'm not sure with what. I am open to suggestions, but the point is it's good to wear things that you look good in and not things that make you look mean or frumpy.

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My advice: Clothes make the rabbit....
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Here I am gallivanting in the world with kj while she is working. Sometimes I sneak into her car when she doesn't invite me and while she is seeing clients I wander around people's backyards and check out who lives there. I like doing this because a lot of people where kj works are all different colors: black and brown and yellow and white and even orange.

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My advice: do whatever you can to keep your life colorful.

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Okay, now I am exhausted. This was a lot of writing, don't you think?

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I hope you like my advice just in case I start charging for it, but so far I am doing fine with my plan to plant my garden and of course borrow whatever else I need from other people's garden..

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I hope you are having fun. If you aren't having fun just don't forget to whine, kick high, and cry from your stomach. If you need another lesson, you can tell me.

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Sincerely,

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Emily Rabbit

Let There Be Light

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Honest to God, it's looking out

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an airport bathroom window at 5 AM

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HAHAHAHAHA!

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kj's Second Annual Sex Survey

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soon.

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HAHAHAHA!

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Just a relaxing night at # 9

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The colors and circles only come out when the light is turned on
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Cameras and lighting can make

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hallways look better

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than they really are :)
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No more snow.

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It's Spring in New England

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and the light wants to shine....

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Happy start of a new week,

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Love

kj

Happy Happy Bitchday

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Happy Bitchday to you,

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Happy Bitchday to you,

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Happy Birthday dear everyone

Happy Bitchday to you.

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Saturday, April 10th, Sunday, April 11th,

and Monday, April 12th are hereby acclaimed

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HAPPY BITCHDAY

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On this specially designated holiday you are

hereby allowed to bitch.

You are allowed to swear if needed,

to stomp your feet and pound your fist,

to complain endlessly, and,

best of all,

to expect total sympathy.

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Our beautiful and bodacious bunch of international blog friends

and buddies dress up for a rare group (bitch) photo
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Please Bitch Away Now.
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I think we'll all feel better afterwards.
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Love
kj

Thursday 13: Growth

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1. This quote is on each of my friend Kris's emails. I'm sharing it because I keep thinking about it and I know it's true:

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"nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in a love quite absolute, final way. what you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. it will decide what gets you out of bed in the mornings, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you.

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fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything. pedro arrupe, s.j.

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2.This has been an ambivalent week. JB and I have been alternately sick. I only missed one day of work but I've been dragging. Today I'm much better I'm also trying to calm my ego into a state of "ignore, it's not about you".

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This is also the week that almost everything changed in my yard. April is my favorite month by far. The daffodils are open, the tulips are preparing, the trees are donning leaves, and the buds are getting ready.

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It is a time for new growth and renewal. The colors and pops of spring helps me do that.

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3. Remember my Mother and her "Messy Christmas"? Today something just as funny happened. I have a ten year client we so art therapy together. She was making a birthday card for her four year old brother. She was careful and colorful, writing each letter and drawing three pictures inside the card: her brother, her self, and in between a birthday cake.

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On the outside she wrote in big letters: HAPPY BITCHDAY

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I didn't tell her....

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4. I love shadows.
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5. The sun has been out for three days and the yellow and pink and purple colors are coming fast. This azalea bush also opened today and assures that we will have fresh cut flowers in the house this weekend.
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6. This is for Robyn and Lori. It is called" Fluffy Erection."
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7. This appeared his morning in my front yard. These are hosta leafs breaking through the ground. The leafs come up like little missiles and will each be some shade of large oval green leaves.
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8. Have you ever wondered what actress or actor you would choose to play you? I thought of this tonight and I should probably be too embarrassed to say this out loud, but in the role of me I would want Julia Roberts or Meredith I-can't-remember-her-last name from "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" and the Today Show.
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9. This is the back side of my house. I am landscaping like a snail and I'm feeling no pressure. There are two things I've promised myself I will do out of love and not out of obligation: gardening and blogging.
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11. These are JB's grasses. By July they will be very green and very huge and some of them very willowy. When Mr, Ryan comes to visit we play hide and seek and run through the grasses. Looking at the shape of them now, what a miracle, huh?

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12. This is a picture of a bribe! The four houses that comprise our cul d'sac (how do you spell that? I should know...) are not happy that a round-about (rotary) is being built quite close to our street. It is expected to take 18 months to finish at a cost of $ 2 million dollars. We fought for a simple streetlight and I think it will be shown that simple would have been much better.

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Anyway, a strip of grass on the street side of our fence is going to be temporarily used as a path for walkers and bike riders to enter the park next door and avoid the construction. The chief engineer or manager or whatever he's called said he will try to make things as easier and less disruptive as possible for us. I met him yesterday and I have to admit he was a charmer and a willing listener.

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So this morning he dropped off this magnolia bush (I think it's a bush. Does anybody know?). Kind of a gift. Smart man, wouldn't you say?
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13. I was in a high school today and I saw this sign on the wall:

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Love All

Trust a few

Harm None

William Shakespeare

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Did Shakespeare actually write this?
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Thank you for your visits and your friendship.

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I am forever appreciative.

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Love

kj

Body Language & the Art of Seeing

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There are two women in this photo. One is my Jessica and the other is her best friend Janna. One is excited and carefree, having parasailed before, and the other is a tad nervous up there, high in the air for the first time. ( I as Mother was not informed of this adventure in advance, which was a good and wise plan, actually.)

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Doesn't the body language tell you who's who?!

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This got me thinking (yet again!). Sometimes the time is right to raise your arms wide and high overhead and let it rip.

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And sometimes it's all you can do to hold on as tight as hell and hope for the best.

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Interesting: either way, the view can be quite lovely.

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A thought for the day:

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A ship in harbor is safe, but it doesn't see anything....

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Love

kj

Pick One...

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This marble plaque hangs in my bathroom, a gift from JB a few years ago. Yesterday I found myself looking at it (don't ask what I was doing please :)) and wondering which of these alphabet purposes I would choose if I could only choose one.

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Connections and needs and inspiration and opportunities arrive at different points in life. What is paramount today may not be next month. But from where I stand today, what is important to me?

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Before I tell you mine, how about taking a look at this plaque: if you were to choose only ONE of these today, which would it be and why?

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Mine: Seek Wisdom

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I can't speak for anyone else, but for me there are times when my life is calm and predictable: easy going days enjoying simple pleasures. And there are other times when it seems that the universe has thrown me a volleyball and insists that I be a fast and attentive learner.

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The volleyball time is now.

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I am learning so much about myself, my relationships, about children and class and poverty, writing, art and drawing, friends and connections across the world, gardening, photography, forgiveness, healing, and still yet and again, perhaps always now, about deep love.

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I have always been a learner, but what seems different these days is that whatever wisdom I am given is no longer mine to keep for myself. This is a time of learning and sharing. And I am glad.

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And if you don't mind a bit of introspective sharing, what on this plaque calls to you?

More More More Novel in a Paragraph

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A word of explanation: I am writing a novel where short snippets will hopefully tell a story all by themselves but will also combine with other short snippets to reveal a deeper story. Here in my blog, perhaps once a week, I will share a few snippets, but in no sequence or logical order. That part comes much later.
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Virus

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First Casey researched “Malaysian women personality traits.” Yan and others had encouraged her curiosity when they asked if Catherine’s cruelty and indifference could be cultural. So Casey goggled the topic. She found an academic study that seemed to be exactly what she wanted to know, but it turned out only to be a study about the study. She tried again. The next click appeared to match her search almost perfectly. She read two paragraphs that explained at an eighth grade reading level that most Malaysian women faithfully care for their marriages, their children, their households. They allow their husbands the freedom to spend as much time as they want with their friends, they are willing and available sexual partners.
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It was not until Casey reached the third paragraph that she understood that this was not research at all but a wife matching site; a modern mail order bride catalogue. She clicked out, ready to try again. At that same moment a red box appeared at the bottom of the screen that said ‘Urgent! You are infested with the Trojan 32 virus. You need urgent help. Your records and your passwords are at great risk.”
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One day and $ 89 later, the virus had been purged and purity restored. Casey sat on the red couch, acknowledging the irony. “Catherine,” she thought, “are you telling me to butt out of your history as well as your life?” Casey chuckled,“You’ve taken care of the life part, girl, but I need to find out more about why and how you became so important to me.You're gone, but I’m still here, and I need to know what's at the root of all this. I’m looking for the truth, not your revisionist version of it."

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Casey chuckled again. “So please for once, Catherine, give me a break and cool it with the fucking viruses.”

Rumblings at # 9

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And just to confirm that perfection does not reside anywhere close to # 9, the woodpile from last fall waits patiently for its proper stacking.
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Lost and Found
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She wakes with one foot at peace
And the other rumbling, tumbling
Concerned for something quite unknown.
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It is spring today. Fast moving finches
Turn curious beaks toward the tall birdhouse
That stands outside the kitchen window.
What happened that night it and the chirps inside
Fell to the ground, only a scattered feather or two
Telling a vague and troubled story?
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She is still for a moment—
The sound of the kettle just before it steams,
Wondering how anything could be amiss on this day,
Rumbling, tumbling—curious how she could today
Feel unsettled, sometimes lost, sometimes found,
Either way with empty pockets and partial gratitude.

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She looks at this grateful dog
Her mind reviewing
Every real reason this is a good good day.
There will be time to plant the peas
And plan the garden.
There will be no work today, no chores to speak of.
No sickness, no broken promises, no unexpected loss.
No late payments, no betrayals,
Not even an empty gas tank.
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Today is a good day.
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She asks ever so slightly,
a moment before the commitment is made:
How she can be so wise, and so lucky, so alive,

So aware
And too, so paperthin?
She rises from the night,
Feeds the dog, makes the coffee,
Answers the phone, picks up the mail,
Calls the dentist, waters the plants,
Readies the peas:
Every act, now,

born of
cautious hope for a good good day.
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I wrote this poem last year in the midst of a horrible and confusing time, ready even then to let spring steady my feet and expand my heart. Time has a way....

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If this happens to be a good time for your own rejunvenation or rebirth, you could not be more welcomed here!

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Love

kj

Blue

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Yesterday Silke shared her most recent painting and I was intrigued and calmed by her use of the color blue. It felt spiritual. Blue is a color I do not normally use or choose, but I find I am becoming more fond of it. Here's a little scientific history about blue's influences and effects:
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The cool, calming effect of blue makes time pass more quickly and it can help you sleep. Blue is a good color for bedrooms. However, too much blue could dampen spirits.
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In many cultures blue is significant in religious beliefs, it is thought to bring peace, and it is believed to keep the bad spirits away.
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Blue conveys importance and confidence without being somber or sinister, hence the blue power suit of the corporate world and the blue uniforms of police officers. Long considered a corporate color, blue, especially darker blue, is associated with intelligence, stability, unity, and conservatism.
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In Iran, blue is the color of mourning while in the West blue often represents love.
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People describe how the color blue makes them feel:
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A deep royal blue or azure conveys richness and perhaps even a touch of superiority. Navy blue is almost black and is a bit warmer than lighter blues. Combine a light and dark blue to convey trust and truthfulness — banker's colors. Although blue is a year-round color, pastel blues, especially along with pinks and pale yellows suggest Springtime while deep blue is a colder weather color. Create a conservative but sophisticated look with subtle contrast by combining light and dark shades of blue.
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Mix the color of blue with green for a natural, watery palette. Add gray for understated elegance.Sky blue and robin's egg blue, especially when combined with neutral light brown, tans, or beige are environmentally friendly color combinations. Throw in a dash of blue to cool down a hot red or orange scheme. Grab attention with the contrast of blue and yellow.
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Dark blue with white is fresh, crisp, and nautical. Red, white, and blue is a patriotic color trio for many countries, including the United States. Use dark blue with metallic silver accents for an elegantly rich appearance.
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I wonder if my talented artist friends agree with this analysis?
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Here is my own version of Blue, an impulsive poem that is a repeat here on my blog, inspired by the color of words.

Blue

No can do
Not tried
Not true
Attested to
Hullabaloo
Can’t outdo
Cordon bleu
Here anew
Straight into
Making do
Just outgrew
Take a few
Put me through
Still taboo
In full view
Kangaroo
Bottle screw
Misconstrue
Book review
Elmer’s glue
The whole slew
Doggy do
Baby shoe
Screw you
Why and who
Break a few
Home brew
Bally hoo
Who knew?
Stomach flu
Kung fu
Wandering Jew
Animal glue
Pacific yew
You have to.
Whew.

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Love

kj

Things That Matter...

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Mr. Ryan asks his Mother:

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When I'm four, will my name

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still start with 'R'?