Animal Wednesday: How I Got To the Green and Mean Avocado Company by Emily Rabbit

(If you have to squint to read this, it's kJ's fault. She cannot figure out how to enlarge the letters, even though she has fiddled with the template 20 times. Plus this probably looks too small and too long to read, but isn't reading it better than paying bills or cleaning the kitchen?)

I am not a fan of silence. I watch people trying to be polite and not get in trouble and honestly what is the fun of that, not to mention that who’s listening if you don’t say anything?

My name is Emily Rabbit and I am about eight years old except by now I might be older but either way I try to use my age as an advantage, which works about half the time and the rest of the time I try to blame someone else if I get in trouble, which happens more than it should since almost everything is not my fault.

I am currently on the run because I spent my bail money on gummy bears, which made alot of sense at the time but I admit it was not my best decision. I was in California in search of avocados. The reason for this is because I have a business plan that should assure me jellybeans for life.

I should tell you first that my ideas almost always come from watching most people not having enough fun because how could anyone have fun if they are worrying or snuffing down a good cry? i have tried my best to teach kj what to do when she is upset; it is not my fault that she is still doing something else.

As you may know already, what almost always works for me is to throw myself on the ground, kick my back legs high high in the air and move them in all directions while I wail deep deep deep from my stomach. Boohoohoohoohoobooboo I cry. Even if you still get in trouble I guarantee you will feel so much better afterwards.

The night of the church board meeting it was not my fault that I hit that whiny little girl in the face. I was preparing to sell her rabbit pellets disguised as multi colored jelly beans when some mean man told me no solicitors, whatever that means, and said I had to leave. I threw myself on the floor and that whiny girl walked right into my foot while it was still in the air. I am sorry she got a black eye but it was hard to have sympathy just listening to the way she cried. Anyway, I was not arrested but my opinion of church goers has not been the same since.

It’s true that I have been in jail once. Even my best crying didn’t help and thank god I ended up in a cell with three women who were nice to me and showed me how to open a lock without a key. One of them said she did tricks and of course I liked that because I don’t think people do enough tricks, unlike rabbits, who have fun even when they are doing long division and slow multiplication

This brings me to my very stressful trip to California. well, kind of: I should first tell you how the idea of the Green and Mean (International) Avocado Company came about.

Besides for throwing myself on the floor and kicking while crying from my stomach, i started throwing frozen peas when I was mad or upset. I would throw them at the back of kj’s garage but sometimes I would throw them at a mean person. I am a pretty smart rabbit, even though I’m little and innocent, and not just because my Uncle Bunny was Janis Joplin’s road manager, so imagine how things improved when I started using a shooter for the frozen peas?! I could really bop someone from a distance and let’s face it, a frozen pea is not going to leave a scar or even a big bump, so it was a good idea all around.

It was not my fault that I advanced to frozen grapes and then frozen Brussels sprouts.

So I was in California because I absolutely have to have my own money. I write a column on kj's blog, trying to give advice that people are just too serious to follow, that is not my fault either, but I am not paid enough; why should I be worrying about running out of jellybeans at my young age.

So I got this idea to freeze avocados to use for really really mean people. And then I heard on television about green businesses and first I thought, ‘Perfect! Avocados are green” but kj explained to me that that meant good for the environment, like you don’t waste anything if you can help it.

You’re thinking the same thing I was, aren't’ you? Yes! first you fling the frozen avocado but THEN you can recycle and reuse the pit and throw it too!!! The Green and Mean Avocado Company: I don’t mean to brag but really i don’t mind if I do because what a good idea, right?

So I am in Carpinteria California where kj’s friend Lori lives and I am tryng to figure out how to get several crates of avocados which should be easy since it’s the Carpinteria Avocado Festival. All I can say for now is isn’t it so mean that anyone would mind an innocent rabbit taking a few hundred avocados?

The police chief who never even asked me my age told me I could avoid jail If I paid $ 37 in bail money so of course I asked kj and first she said no but I knew she wouldn’t let me go to jail again after my first time so she sent me cash and now I am in more trouble but who could resist all those gummy bears especially when someone told me the police chief was on vacation for a week playing black jack in Lake Tahoe?

Even though I am in trouble with kj, who is threatening to withhold my blog money for a year, the Green and Mean Avocado Company currently has several orders for frozen avocados and I have business manager named Jos who lives in England. I think I have a graphic designer to help with advertising and Lori in Carpinteria is thinking about how we can get enough avocados to fill the orders. Not to mention I have a resident poet named Anne who I think will also agree to make marketing videos showing how to throw the avocados just perfectly. I need help with pricing: I think the madder the person is, the more they should pay, don’t you agree?

Do you think I will cause problems for myself if I arrange a demonstration at the Hadley Mall? And if I do cause problems, of course I will throw myself on the ground and start kicking first thing. You haven’t asked but I think this is what you should do too, the next time somebody is mean and especially if they tell you the jellybeans aren’t worth it.

Sincerely Yours,

Emily V.V. Rabbit

(Note from kj: Emily read this to a group of writers last night, making her 'out loud' debut. I have to admit they laughed their rear ends off and of course, now Emily has been strutting all day.) (sigh)