Animal Wednesday: Emily Rabbit in New York and a Letter from Uncle Bunny

Dear Emily.

This is your uncle Bunny. I am writing from Hollywood where I am still working with Steven Tyler while he is doing American Idol. I am helping him match his clothes and stay out of trouble, neither of which are easy, especially since he likes to put stripes and even plaids together, not to mention that he wears long earrings that too often get caught in his floppy hats. You might remember that I met him when he and I were both in rehab, him for drugs and me for my addiction to radishes. And speaking of addictions, we have to talk about you and your jellybeans. I think it is out of control.

But first let me tell you your Aunt Fluffy was 100% right about Jennifer Lopez: she is not smart at all and she is mean to all the stage people and i have sadly discovered especially to rabbits. Steven needed some dark purple nail polish and I made the mistake of borrowing some from Jennifer’s dressing room and she made a federal case of it. Steven told me it is now okay if I swear at her under my breath if she bothers me again and so far I have said eight different swears on four occasions in three different languages. It was easier to work with Janis Joplin, that’s for sure, because she just told people to ____off. Steven is too nice so he just rolls his eyes ad he swears under his breath too.

Emily, I have recently learned that you are currently working in New York City. I won’t tell you who told me but i know you are the one lone rabbit on the Carousel in Bryant Park and I am not comforted by the fact that there is one lone cat also besides you, among all those horses with the giant teeth.

For one thing, you are too young to being working and for another I don’t think you have the maturity or the temperament to work with the public. I order you not to bite anyone no matter what. This is especially true for anyone under six years old. You made the foolish decision to let children ride on your back in a public park--and for what, more jellybeans?, not to mention that you should not have spent that bail money on gummies no matter how good a deal they were--and now you must deal with little sticky fingers and maybe even being pinched.

I am also ordering you to keep your paws to yourself and do not borrow or take anything that isn't yours from the children or their parents. This includes wallets, watches and lunch bags.

The New York Police Department will not be lenient with you, Emily. There do not have much experience with rabbits and they especially don’t like crimes against children. Your mother and I have enough worries trying to get your father released from the National Institute of Health. He is still there involuntarily although he has been promoted to unit manager, which means he has a larger cage, more carrots and an extra hour of free sniff time every day.

Now, about your obsession with jellybeans. If you could just sneak into someone’s garden, get yourself a good supply, and hop off, that would be one thing but you have to have money for jellybeans and that is where the trouble starts. I learned in rehab that money is the radish root of all evil but I think jellies and gummies are worse.

I am proud of your enterprising spirit in starting the Green and Mean Avocado Company but have you thought about the damage frozen avocados can make if they accidentally hit a nice person instead of a mean one? I think you should stick with frozen peas and frozen grapes. I would also like you to consider a brief stay at the Jellybean Canyon Treatment Center here in LA. I will make the arrangements and I promise you a new bikini and rubber flappers that you can use at cape cod when you get out.

How did you get to New York anyway? Why aren't you in school? Your Mother contacted Mr. O'Hare and he told her you are attending school everyday wearing a head scarf and burqua; he said you told him you are doing that in honor of international women’s rights, which everyone knows doesn't even sound like you. You probably think you are pretty clever having some bunny show up disguised as you in school, But didn't work my way up to be Janis Joplin’s road manager without knowing when someone is trying to pull my rabbit’s leg, so the jig’s up, Emily.

Please call me collect when you get this letter and we will make arrangements from there. Meanwhile, do not bite any one for any reason, not even their toss.

With love

Uncle Bunny