Remembering Renee

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She died just a year ago and her voice is as strong as ever.

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The first time I ever heard of Renee I had read a comment she left on Studio Lolo’s blog and I found it strange that she signed it, “Love Renee." That sounds very funny to say now, but at the time it was more uncommon than not to be tossing“I love you’s over the blogs. That is one of her legacies: it was Renee who paved the way to fall in love with one another from afar and for real.
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Once I asked Renee how she managed to reach out and connect so deeply with so many people, how it was that so many considered her a most intimate friend?
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Renee: About being friends (best) with all, that is probably true, as you see I love all of my friends and when I am with each one, and I know this is weird, but they are the only people for me at that particular moment. And when I am with the next friend, then they are the only person for me as I give each person my full attention. I love everyone, to be honest. Please don't tell anyone right now, but Angelique just had a baby boy yesterday. So my wee Josephine has a little brother and I have a new grandson. His name is Dominic. So my two grandchildren are Josephine (2) and Dominic just born. I am over the moon and going crazy. Love you darling friend. And kj I want you to know that I think you are an incredible person. I just don't think that you know how really incredible and loved you are. Love Renee xoxox
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Renee was also a real-deal barrel of fun. She loved admitting she couldn’t even cut lettuce, she had no concerns about her weight or gray hair; she did not strive to be anywhere near a perfect wife; and she never held back her two cents on anything. She said ‘fuck’ like a prayer and when she said ‘holy shit’ you knew it was a compliment of high order.
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And didn’t I love ‘knowing’ her family. So many of us walked through their tragedy with them. I always felt especially close to Jacquie, probably because I am a Mother too and I so understood her loss of her son Sheldon. Now I root for Angelique and for Nadeline and Nathan and for Wahid, Renee's husband, every day. I pray Renee will hold them dear and visit them in their dreams and through dancing flowers at sunbreak.

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Renee: kj I love your comments regarding Jacquie. Jacquie is really the most amazing person and I could totally see you and her being the best of friends. You would fit in with all my sisters and we would spoil and love you to bits

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Renee loved to say she was selfish but that was nothing but comical. She loved her family more than anything and she was remarkably content with her life. Renee read my novel, in which a woman with a terminal illness painfully leaves her family to be with her soulmate, and she had this to say:
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So much fun. Congratulations Ms. Author. I was going to say about the cancer experience in the story and mine. I believe that your story is very true for many people. Almost all of my friends could have been like that. For so many they see a way to change and get what they want and have needed all their lives. For me it is so different, because I have always had what I want. I have always seen the birds sing and have stated my truth.Does that make sense to you?
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To me the most remarkable thing about Renee was her natural ability to zero in on exactly what was needed the most. She combined reality and fantasy in the most incredible way, and in every instance she made you feel worthy, whole, wonderful. With some of her blog friends, she flew the sky with them, with one she relaxed with her at a imagined cabin on the lake. She was my moon sister, Lo’s raven sister, Pattee’s gypsy sister, Sonia’s wise muse, Bella’s playmate, a neighbor on Blogland Lane. She was both the student and the teacher with Allegra. She sprinkled her passion and love and wisdom everywhere, and she never failed to reach the heart of it all.

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I met Renee at a difficult time in my life. A relationship I had trusted had inreparably broken apart and the aftermath was sharp and often cruel. This was someone who was also a friend of Renee's and who would occasionally leave a barb aimed at me on Renee’s blog. Renee knew how to tactfully and clearly handle even that:
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Renee: Why didn't I publish the comment? The same reason I haven't published many other comments by many other people. And why the very person you are speaking of I haven't published at least five comments and that is because they are direct confrontations to other people who read my blog. My blog is not for confrontation it is for my children. If someone makes a comment I put it down, if someone says the other person's name or refers directly to what they say and disagrees with what that person has said then they need to go to that persons blog, not mine. In other words if you said something about me and I didn't like it, I would go to your blog and say 'what's the problem.' I know that is too simple a solution in this case. But really and truly that is not what my blog will ever be about. And to be honest when I read comments like that I just shake my head in disbelief and love that other people get to read it because then they too can see how ridiculous it really is.
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Renee was steadfast that her blog was written for her family. At first she did not expect all the joy that she got out of it for herself, a joy that she described to me as her "lovely three pack a day habit." Make no mistake: the last year of Renee’s life was enriched and exalted by her blog friendships.

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I am one of all of Renee’s friends who got more than they gave. She went out of her way to keep me moving forward, to comfort me, even at her sickest. The first time she phoned me, which came after a comment I left about preferring actual contact to written words, she would not let us talk about her. She was stubborn that way. She kept coming back to me, picking up on my reminding me that my heart would be okay, and she refused to let me blame myself. "It's on her, not on you, kj." I will never forget that. There was no judgement: she just said it as a fact. I still remember that in moments when I need to . And later:

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Renee: kj, when your heart reminds you that you have good reason to be sad I also hope it reminds you that you have good reasons to be happy.

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Who had more credibility to say such a thing than Renee Khan, an incredible wife and mother and grandmother and sister and close friend to many and now a Senior Angel to all?
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I loved how Renee complained. She bitched without apology. : “Those fucking bats,” she’d say about the horrible pain of cancer. But she did not dwell in self pity or regret. She was too busy living, even when the living included horrible pain.
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The last time I heard from Renee, Lo and I had sent her flowers in honor of her mother’s passing. The flowers arrived on the day Renee reluctantly entered the hospital, where she would be treated for her pain until finally, the angels came for her and escorted her home, to the days beyond days.
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Renee emailed me.
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The flowers kj. They have made my day. I will use that florist from now on as they are truly beautiful. I will try to call you if this pain subsides. Love Renee xoxo
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What I would give to hear her animated voice. To find her comment on my blog. I love you darling, she would say.

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Yes, yes, Renee dearest darling friend. I love you too. I love you to the moon and back.

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Love
kj
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