I'm taking a lovely short vacation and besides for my colored pencils and camera, I'm packing a heavy heart..
My Mom is sick. She has not recovered from her fall and broken arm and she has been mostly sleeping and not eating for several days now. The staff at her extraordinary rest home gave me a new message yesterday: it was delivered softly, without panic or projection, but I knew that I was being told that my Mom's body and heart are tired.
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My Mother's green eyes light up when she sees me. I visit her several times a week and every time and every fall and every hospital stay I am there to assure her we--we--will be alright. She trusts me and I love her.
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JB and I will board a plane tomorrow and head for Colorado, where her sister and brother-in-law will treat us to Mexican food almost the orgasmic equivalent of my favorite Mr. Sushi (but only almost).
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Then, on Saturday, I will fly to the west coast and I will be unable to contain my utter complete joy and astonishment to spend time with a friend I have come to enjoy, respect, adore, trust, and love like a long lost sister. We are both private and I don't know what or how we will share here our mutual giddy excitement and adventures, but I know I will be spending time and talking non stop with someone who understands and embraces the ups and downs of loving and living. What a gift that is.
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I can't say I am not conflicted about getting on that plane tomorrow. I am assured by the nursing staff at the rest home that my Mom will be alright while I am gone. They encouraged me to go. I know she is in the most caring loving hands.
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I am going to enjoy my time away. That is what I am going to do. There is no value in second guessing and guilt has nothing to contribute, not to me, not to my Mom.
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Then, when I come home, I will return, renew and reaffirm my forever commitment to my Mother. We will be alright. She trusts me and I love her. That's all we need.
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Love
kj
addendum: I should add: my 95 year old Mother has bounced back many times. She may well bounce back now too. I can almost hear her telling me she's too happy with her life to be going anywhere any time soon....
This is a hard one KJ, letting go of our mothers is hard, but they will leave us one day. Loving them is all we can do. Kisses to your mom.
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful trip and try not to worry.
Kisses to Stella.
xoxo
Wishing you a safe and happy adventure.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to read the news about your much loved Mother.
I understand ths circumstance.
xx Robyn
All is well, and you must know that. Take to the skies and be free, knowing that your mother will be doing that on her own in her own time.
ReplyDeleteQuiet happiness to you on your trip.xoxo
Have a great trip, kj. Much love toyou and your mom.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, dear. When we moved from Mississippi to Oregon, Peggy's mother said to her, "Where will you be when I die?" Despite Peggy's very great effort to be by her mother's side when the time came, she wasn't. The hour of death is so often a mystery. I can but hope that you can finish your trip, and I wish you a good trip.
ReplyDeleteWhat if ...
ReplyDeleteMy whole life would come to a complete standstill if I gave in to the multidudinous "what ifs" that surround me.
I hope (and pray) that your mom recovers her bounce KJ. And I hope you have a lovely time away. xx Jos
many blessings to your dear mom whichever path she chooses to take.
ReplyDeletehave a wonderful trip. may joy be with you. suki
She is in good hands, and loving ones, as is my mom. And my own mom has bounced back from things I thought she would never survive. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers, kj. Hugs to you and your mom. Have a good trip, my friend! xox Pam
ReplyDeleteYour sweet mom. She's not going anywhere yet. I think she assured you of that in her own way yesterday. I do hope your brother visits while you're gone.
ReplyDeleteOh that secret vacation!! I'm giddy about it too. You girls will talk into the wee hours of the night on those 2 short days. Fill them up with memories and savor them. Life is good KJ.
xoxo
Love,
Lo♥
Safe travels....try to leave worry behind. You ARE your Mum's daughter....strong, brave and fearless! She would want you to make this trip.... she and Stella will be ok - no matter what... I love what Snow said, "The hour of death is so often a mystery".
ReplyDeleteWe know how wonderful it is to meet a blogging friend in person! It's the BEST!
Love,
♥ Robin ♥
Hugs and kisses to your mom, kj. She will go when the time is right for her...and even if you were there with her, she could go if you'd stepped out for coffee. The best thing to do is go away for a break, coming back refreshed and ready to help your mom further. xoxo
ReplyDeleteoh kj what wonderful heartfelt advice and wishes here. i agree with everyone.
ReplyDeletecome to california and we'll take a photo of you with the pacific ocean so you can show your mom.
"Sea you soon!!"
Thank you everyone ♥
ReplyDeleteand Lori : how good are your photography skills? Can you make me look like Susan Sarandon?
:-) yipee-do
Oh my.......
ReplyDeleteKJ
I hope your mom will be alright the time you will be away.
I do understand this double feeling.
But I also want you to enjoy your time away. You soak up all the energy in that time so you can face all that will be waiting for you when you come home.
I am sorry your mom is like that after her fall.
95 is a beautiful age but still when you love someone that much never will be a good time..........
love and hugs!!!!
>M<
Oh, KJ, I am so deeply sorry. I wish you safe travels and that your journey is peaceful and loving. And I'm glad that after your visit with your mother you will have someone to make you smile. :)
ReplyDeleteyou and Lori together - better than susan sarandon.
ReplyDeletewith you in spirit my dear and love to Lori.
Mom will be OK, she will. she loves and adores you and you are a wonderful loving daughter, and have taken good good care of her.
thinking of you...
KJ no matter how ols they are.....just can't be missed...
ReplyDeleteTake care and try to enjoy your trip.
Big hug,
marja
Hi PP!
ReplyDeleteHow is Colorado?
Tomorrow is the magical day! man oh man, I know how you feel. Like I felt when M visited me :)
xoxo
Lo♥♥
Travel safe dear one. I will keep your mom in my heart until you get back.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about your Mom, but hope you have a rewarding trip.
ReplyDeletePopping in with a hug. That's all I got-but it is sincere!
ReplyDeletepeace to you all. be happy in each moment, and cry if you need to, but above all, love...xoxox
ReplyDeleteHave a safe trip kj... Enjoy!
ReplyDeleteI will keep your mother in my thoughts and prayers.
This seems like a very appropriate place for my very first
♥
(I hope it works)
xo
Kristin
Yay! It worked!!! Thank you kj!!!
ReplyDelete♥ ♥ ♥
Dear kj~ I wish you a wonderful, wonderful trip. You deserve it. And I know that your mother will wait for you. ♥
ReplyDeleteI know that feeling. I've been here. Returning refreshed and renewed will be wonderful for your mom. You will have so many stories to tell her and entertain her with.
ReplyDeleteHey Sarandon ... looking good ;)
ReplyDeleteJust been smiling at your grinning face I think you must have brightened up the whole west coast ... good to see you remembered your camera and got to use it too.
Your mum's eyes will be shining even brighter when you get home and tell her about your trip*!*
Dear kj - so much has happened in your world since I last visited! Your last post really made me smile, but I am sad that your Mom is sick - I do hope she will soon pick up. Your latest post is fully of happiness - love, love all the wonderful pics. Glad to hear that you both had such a fabulous time! P.S. the word verification is 'thentick' - that'd be a nice word for Ryan!xx
ReplyDelete