To You From Me

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Hello there first grader, how adorable you look, even through those serious eyes.

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You don't know me yet but I was there when you were born, when you came home to the lane from the hospital, during all the times when your Mother didn't know how to handle your brother's jealously and your need to be heard, when you tried every which way to state and restate your needs.

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I was there when you got sick every day in kindergarten and had to walk home for a quick change of clothes. It was so great that your Mom told you how brave you were before you headed back to school, and it was so great that you believed her.

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I was there when you charmed every teacher, when your class of 660 kids voted you Most Popular at your high school graduation, when you aced your first job and started your own business and when you earned all that respect in your work.
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You've become a solid grown up. Sometimes you are too sensitive and you take things too personally and sometimes you carry this confusing ache that feels like lonliness, but just as often you appreciate the many wonderful people in your life, people who love you, who aren't perfect all the time but who like you do their best.

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I am so proud of your resourcefulness. Sometimes I think you can do anything when you put your mind to it. I don't think your two broken hearts could have been avoided. You were pretty confident and oblivious to any difficulty like that until you turned thirty. That was the first time when you had to honestly face that you couldn't change things, couldn't make them better.

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The second time is still too recent and too hard to figure out, partially because I think that a surprising part of your broken heart belongs more to this little girl staring into the camera and less to you the adult who is learning how to bounce back. It is what it is: you let yourself trust fully and you never imagined you'd be even thinking about issues like abandonment & betrayal.

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And you know what? I'm working hard to help you out here, because in time those are not the words or the feelings that I want you to remember. I want you to remember that you are capable of deep love, that things happen that aren't your fault, maybe fault isn't even the most important part. I want you to remember that you don't need to understand things in order to grow from them.

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I want you to remember that love is worth it.

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You are six years old. I am the woman you will become, talking to you from the future. You will grow up wise and anchored: honest, loyal, bright, creative, playful, passionate, astonished even. Still determined when you put your mind to it. And loving. You will grow up loving, vulnerable sometimes, but sometimes that is the sometimes the price of love. That's okay.

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You can handle it. I'm beside you and I will protect and nuture you. You make sure that we take the time to play and I'll make sure you heart makes room. I am you, and I thank you for those serious eyes. They serve us well.

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Love

Me