What I Know About Renee

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Everything looks promising in my house. Winter tulips tell me that in 4-6 weeks, Spring will come and I will see ground again. I still like my work, I still write, I have many more good days than bad.

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But these are hard times, hard times. My friend Renee is sick, friend to so many of us--we of this blogging community that has taken residence in our lives--hospitalized, absent from the sacred spot in daily life she has occupied for a good year now. It isn't just her unbelievable story and her amazing family that has drawn so many to her: it is so much more.

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Renee notices. Her comments tell you instantly and clearly that she has listened, remembered, knows what's going on with you. She's real. No phony baloney small talk, no wasted words. More than once she has reached out to me, understood and protected my shaken heart, insisted we talk about that and not her. Doggedly insisted: "Nothing about me, kj, I'm fine, of course your heart just needs time to heal, kj, it's not because of anything you've done."

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How is it that I would come to love someone I have not yet met, face to face, love so surely that her illness and my helplessness about it feels as though she must be member of my family--my favorite cousin perhaps, or closer, more accurate still, perhaps my sister.

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I know I am not alone in wondering how this kind of love actually works, how this kind of grief actually figures out how to express itself. I have experienced this long distance closeness once before, and I can telly you that I know it is possible to love in this way; to care, to share, to commit. I know it is all totally genuine and totally real. I know the bonds will live on for years.

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The thought of Renee in pain is so difficult. From what I understand her pain is being managed, controlled, so she can rest comfortably. She is in the hospital, being cared for, finally able to rest. Hopefully she will soon begin treatment which hopefully will banish her bats.

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The thought of losing Renee is almost unbearable. Already I miss her daily visits and comments to me. I miss her amazing choices of art, her BLD's (breakfast/lunch/dinner), her angels and gods and goddesses, her 1950's women's rules of etiquette, her fuck fuck fucking bats and her use of the word fuck like it is her own private prayer. I miss her incredible writing skills. She is such a fine writer she makes it look so easy, effortless. I miss the comments from her so many friends.

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I miss knowing she is nearby, reachable, comical, courageous, tender, articulate, wise. She is teaching our community how to live, how to participate in moments and live them fully, how to love, how to prepare, how to let go, how to die.

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"Ask me anything kj," she says to me. And she means it. Anything I ask her she answers. I ask her what she would do if she were me, and she doesn't hesitate. She speaks like she writes. Renee notices.

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So for the first time in my life, and for all of us lucky enough to have Renee as a great friend, how exactly do we deal with our worry, sadness, fear, nd love--so much love--for our friend in Winnipeg? How do we wait, how do we reach out, comfort ourselves, comfort others, praying first for Renee's comfort and then that she will rally, be back with us soon, that we will open up our email or blog and will see her classic 'xoxox Renee'? I will jump out of my chair! I will be over the top happy.

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I think there is a thin line between living and dying, this life and that, here and there. This is one of the things I am learning from Renee. I am less afraid because of it. But I am not ready to lose her. I want her back, soon, comfortably, better. I wants the bats banished. I love her. I am combining my prayers and energy and spirit with so many of Renee's other dearest friends to help her heal, to give strength to her family, to let her know she could not ever ever be alone.

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This is what I know: I fell in love with Renee and I am in love with Renee and I will always love Renee. She has a place in my heart and she has come to stay. Whatever her assignment, she is a Senior Angel, as special as the angel wings she opens for everyone who loves her. I am blessed to love her, and I am so so thankful for that.

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Love

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kj