Monday, January 04, 2010

Notes from my Moleskine


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First off, this may be too l-o-o-n-g. I'm not sure yet. I am writing this alot for myself, so if at any time you lose interest please feel free to skedoodle. (Did I make this word up?)
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Do you have a journal or some notebook where you write things down, carry it along for those moments when a muse may visit you and if you don't record it the inspiration or information will be gone?

I use a Moleskine. I am on my fifth one and because the cover and binding is so solid, when I've filled one up I store it away in my top desk drawer and I think they will all still be there years later.
Maybe Jessica, or even Ryan may some day go through my Moleskines and find me right there in those pages.
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I haven't made resolutions for the new year (except will I have book # 2 done and ready to be published?) but right now, right this minute, I am looking back in my Moleskine, starting in January 09, to see what stands out in this last year. I doubt I'll be surprised. There's no order in particular, but some selectivity and omissions.
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One more thing: if it has an * after it, the credit does not belong to me.

. January 09 & on...
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We agree to take time away from one another until Spring but she calls the next day. How many times has that happened--one of us unable to let even a day pass--maybe 500 times?
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Priya the Healer asks me, "What will you add this year? Focus on that, not what you will take away. What will you add?" I write a list, and the first thing on it is "I will literally run toward someone I am excited to see, with abandon, with my arms outreached."
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You might find me in those moments when all those pillows are not enough.
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Sign on a bumper: I Break for Saucy Wenches
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"The moment was short but it lasted forever." *
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She is somebody who walks away. I didn't know that.
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"Don't try so hard. It comes in a shiver sometimes."*
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"One song is worth a thousand history books." *
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There's nothing I wanted more than to be walking on the same path.
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We land at LA Airport and the cell phone message from my brother is that my nephew--his son, died this morning.
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Donna the Past Life Woman: "Let things go into chaos. Let things be out of control. What you resist or run away from grows bigger.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm speaking ill of you and I don't want that.
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I never needed as much as she thought I did but I did need more.
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"God likes it better when I hand the bone over." *
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"Don't shoot the second arrow." *
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I'm learning about clean pain versus dirty pain: Wow God, I get a choice?
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The next time someone tells you they've had a half dozen marriage proposals, you might want to consider that a red flag....
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Euterpe = muse of music and poetry
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You lose two people in grief: the other person and the person you are with the other person.
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Victoria came up with this title for a book and we laughed: "Before the Cat Died"
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Me to some clients: Do you know your little girl--the one inside you who went through all that? You're an adult now. Do you know you can mother her, you can help her know she's safe now?
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You can't remember when you painted that? And you're calling Stella 'some one's dog?' Why do you do that?
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From my 13 year old client in foster care, talking about her mother, "I don't want to be with her because she makes so many mistakes. She would be a very bad influence on me. I don't want to live with someone who keeps making mistakes because then I will make mistakes too."
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I love this child. Can I, should I adopt her if no one else does? I am too old, and the whole idea makes JB very understandably very uncomfortable. But she's only 4 and she's been through so much. I don't think I can knowingly let her be harmed again. Not horrible harm, anyway. And being sent to live with her grandfather in Puerto Rico could be horrible harm.
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Seen on a church sign: Who would Jesus bomb?

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"Stand tall in a stiff wind."* Yup, I like that.
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kj, try this for the first line of a new chapter? "When there wasn't a last goodnight, there was a first good morning."
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Sign on a Springfield Church: Waiting for Holy Winds.
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♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Okay, these snippets from my Moleskine run through June 2009. There may be a Part 2 to this. Maybe it will be more optimistic. :)

By the way, I do not like being so serious.

Love

kj

24 comments:

  1. i do have journals. some are moleskins, some are handmade. i am fickle when it comes to the books i use.

    i think the word is skeedaddle.

    serious is okay if you feel like it.

    and yes, we do always have a choice.

    going to play with my pogo now sweet friend. :)
    l♥ve, lori

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  2. lori, oh my pogo. i love it! what are you making? i'll show you a couple of mine. ♥

    skeedaddle. hmmm. it sounds like a good word.

    ♥ times 10

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  3. I really enjoyed this list. I used to enjoy wandering through my old journals, but I haven't written one for a long time, especially since I started blogging. I would like to start again.

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  4. Fabulous! I can't wait to see what your Moleskin holds for you in 2010. :) I got a messenger bag for Christmas that I chose because it has a pocket perfect for my Moleskin. 3 DAYS!!! <3

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  5. Oh! Ouch. Have the bruises almost disappeared? {{{LOL}}}

    Moleskins are the glue of my creativity. Trouble is, how to go back and find just that right thing..... I'm thinking of color coding. Pink dots for people, blue for the world outside, etc. Just a little review everey month.

    Silly! If you didn't have a serious side, we would think you were just flip. Stella knows better.

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  6. I love my moleskin. Have filled half or more so far girl...Love ya Lady xoxoxoxox

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  7. I loved these snippets kj. They were real and that is what makes up life.

    xoxo

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  8. Little pieces of wisdom, love, sadness and acceptance show up in these snippets from your notes,kj...lots to ponder! Serious is ok...it shows you are real.

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  9. As you know, I'm a big believer in the powerful nature of reviewing, to bring clarity and insight. So review away, I'm hapy to read it!

    (skedoodle is the second cousin of skedaddle, once removed.)

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  10. I loved reading this! And I recognized many ;)

    The deepest, saddest ones were good to read because I know you're in such a better place right now.
    Pretty soon you won't have to keep reminding yourself of that.
    You'll just know it.

    love you,
    xoxo

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  11. I love journals. I love reading other people's journals-with their permission of course. It's so damn intimate-raw, written as a thought in a coffee shop-it's like peeking into a brain-unpolished and bare.

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  12. purestgreen, i would never want to stop blogging but i like my moleskine for when i'm driving in the car or walking in the park or giggling with friends and i just have to write something down. :)

    melissa, 3 DAYS! wow! (note to anyone else reading this: this means the big yellow writing group is having another weekender.) can't wait to see you.

    linda, no, the bruises have not dissapeared. they take different forms now, including just simple love, but they are inbedded within me. i know what you mean about finding things! i am forever looking and flipping pages. :)

    sonia, oh wouldn't it be fun to see a page or two of that moleskine of yours? do you doodle? xoxo

    renee, real indeed. ♥

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  13. I should keep a booklet of some wort cos the note pages I sribble on always go missing...

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  14. I like what you have shared here.

    Serious is fine as without it there's no... not serious :)

    Yes I do have books/journals
    I have a moleskin for odds and ends.
    and another that I use to write to my son.. about him and the world around us.
    plus a visual diary/diaries that are long overdue for an outing.

    What's a pogo?
    A pogo in my world is a stick that you jump up and down on!

    x ribbon

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  15. marion, you definitely got this, all of it--and i thank you for it. xoxo

    cs, and don't forget skadiddle...
    i find reviews like this enlightening, interesting,and in this case somewhat painful. have i changed ALOT in a year? not really. i've learned to accept, but to not do that would have been misery. and yet, i also find that i like who i am in these notes. i feel, i care. i try. xoxo

    thank you, lo. i know everything you say is true. ♥

    debra kay, i know! i have a diary from my jessica's great grandmother from the 1930's. she was the secretary of a women's group who met once a month, contributed ten cents each so they could go to plays, luncheons, etc.
    my problem, if it is that, is that i often write more when i am sad than when i am happy. i wonder if that is universally true? xoxo

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  16. me too, sag. sometimes i have papers all over the place. that's what i like about my moleskine--it's sturdy and compact and easy to keep track of. xo

    thank you ribbon. is that visual diary due for an outing on your blog? that would be so fun--i remember last time. a pogo is a nifty little polaroid camera device recommended by none other than our sweetest friend lori. it makes 2 inch by 3 inch sticky labels of any photos from your camera, computer, or most cell phones. it is the size of a pack of cigarettes and makes an instant label, all without ink. i got a pogo for christmas and i am over the top excited about it. xoxo

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  17. I tried to have a place where I keep notes tons of times, I bought several small paper holders to keep them but I could never make it somehow, just did 1 or 2 notes and forgot about them. I would love to be more stable dough, I will keep trying anyway.

    I wanted to tell you that I replied to your excellent comments in my blog, and since it is so messy you might have not noticed that cause the comments got mixed in the end, and they are too many to read all of them.

    Big hugs and keep the lovely writing it is really refreshing for me to read.

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  18. mariana, have you ever had a moleskine?

    i just read your comment to me. thank you. you have 99 comments so far!! but i don't think you should change that because your followers are so intelligent and interesting. and your responses are equally so.

    i am very happy we visit one another's blogs and have met in friendship. i consider you my heart sister, if you don't mind.

    love
    kj

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  19. Thank you kj for the lovely comment yesterday.

    xxooxo

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  20. What Renee said :-). Ditto.
    I get sad when I look at my journals, because I am so far from where I thought I would be by now, the journals just remind me of that, so I no longer write in them or read them. Perhaps some day I will change my mind.xoxo

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  21. renee, how welcome you are!

    annie, gee, i understand this. sometimes i go years without looking back. this last year has been so confusing for me i have to admit i am glad i wrote some events and happenings down as they occurred. otherwise, i would or could be doubting my own reality.
    happy 2010 annie. let's look ahead!

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  22. kj,

    I am so glad to have found your blog. I use Google Reader to subscribe and they frequently have a list of blogs that they think I might like. I browse them and sometimes find one I like, more often none.

    I love the way you write; I love that you love Aimee and Renee - they are two of my absolute favorite people on the web. I was thrilled when I read about the chest Renee was sent and sad that I didn't get in on it, but I send her all the positive energy I have every day and frequently leave her comments and send hugs and kisses. She is amazing.

    I subscribe to Aimee's blog too and like you I get a big lift when I read what she has written not just for the content, but for the wonderful colors.

    This is too long. Sorry.

    Can't wait to see what you have to say next time you post.

    xoxo

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  23. I love, love love journals - moleskins are great - love the texture of the cover! Mine are filled with art and ideas, but I think I might take a leaf out of your book kj and make one with thoughts too this year! Thanks for sharing yours (brave of you!). xx

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  24. Some years there is so much change that it seems almost a waste not to look back. It can be hard to see how far you've come without re-visiting where you've come from. Sometimes you get stuck in the harsh feelings from before, but not necessarily ... and not always for long either. Either way it is useful.

    I used believe in drawing a line in the sand ... leaving the past to it's own devices. But now I see that the past shapes the present. But only in ways we allow.

    ... I think I did mention before how dense/slow I am. If you didn't believe me then, I'm sure you will now! 47 years young and so much still to learn. :-) xx Jos

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