Mark and I became friends in Erlangen Germany in the early 1970's. I was a counselor at the artillery base where he was stationed and gosh, I liked him and we liked each other. All of us were far from from home so the friendships we formed were deep and important. Mark and I cooked a turkey together for Thanksgiving one year. We worked and laughed together. I was married but he was the kind of guy I always wanted to date: handsome, safe, easy going, fun, smart. I was so glad we were friends.
I don't know why we didn't keep in touch when we returned to the States. Every so often I've tried to find him on Facebook or Google, but for whatever reason only two nights ago did I track him down and learned he had died in 2010.
What a weird sad and familiar feeling. Something seems to be coming round after forty-plus years and it feels so strange. I've been married, divorced, remarried, raised a daughter, built a career, and now I am also writing books and tending gardens and loving grandchildren.
And in the midst of my life now, my past has found me. I've reconnected with neighborhood and high school friends I haven't spoken to while these years have rolled by. I know Facebook has a lot to do with this, but not just. Last year I spent an evening with friends from junior high school including Max, who as a gawky 13 year old I adored and I knew he was out of my league. But that's not what he told me last year. "I would have been interested if I had known you were," he said. I'll be damned.
This has been a year when I am aware of older (versus old). I am aware that I could suddenly die. I don't say that morbidly: I am just aware in a way that my 36 year old daughter is not. JB and I had some trouble lugging out the lawn furniture from the cellar this year, and I know from my hip and back and knee pain that I don't walk with the bounce I've had.
I also view friends differently. I am more and less patient at the same time. Last week the husband of one of my closest friends did something dishonest and manipulative in an attempt to avoid paying us for something that he broke. This was not the first time and I'm finished with him. I'm comfortable with that. I don't like him and so he won't like me. This is no doubt going to affect my friend and I hope we will weather it through. I don't know if I will tell her I worry about her because of him.
Like myself I have friends who are not perfect and do stupid things some times. I'm more tolerant because I understand no one is here to please me. It's better that we each are as much ourselves as possible and with that we make mistakes and do our best. It seems I've recently lost a friend here in the blogs and I have no idea why. Maybe it has nothing to do with me but I accept that. Maybe there's a time and place for friends and often I've found that means not forever. I don't like that fact but I accept it more gracefully than I would have in the past.
Back to my friend Mark. How weird to grieve someone I have not spoken to in forty years and who died four years ago. But I do grieve. How well I remember the fun we had together. I'm thinking I'll call Max in California tonight. And I'm thinking the days ahead are totally up to me. That is both a blessing and a responsibility. I'm glad to know.
How about you? Any thoughts on this?
Love
kj
P.S. twelve hours after I wrote this Max called me. Out of the blue….
After 5 funerals since Aug. coupled with a lack of anything worth saying, added to the bullshit which is named Detroit, which I have skin in the game both as a pension holder (losing 40+%) all I have to offer is as I write this I have been on hold with the police for 20 minutes to report a crime that occurred on my property. Life does not get easier no matter what age.
ReplyDeletemark, that is a lot of loss; unfortunate and unfair. i wish we didn't know…..
Deletei hope things somehow lighten up for you. that is too many deaths and too much trouble all at once.
love
kj
Old friends — long gone but not entirely forgotten. There are a few about whom I wonder, but have no way of finding.
ReplyDeleteBlessings and Bear hugs!
makes me wonder who i've lost touch with and why. there are only so many people who can fit into a life and that may have something to do with it: time, place, circumstance. but i know i don't want regrets, bear. i'm thinking more about that.
Deletelove
kj
When I asked my mother what the hardest thing was about growing older, she said "watching all your friends die." I am much younger than she was when she said that but I feel the same way. I have lost way too many friends prematurely.
ReplyDeleteMaybe that's why I tend to hang on to relationships when perhaps I should let go. I too feel that awareness of age and I am tired of losing people. I have learned the hard lessons of impermanence, but I will always hope for (and work toward) happy endings.
I did a half tour last year of friends on the west coast for this very reason. I was hoping to do another one this year for the other 1/2 but may not be able to. A close friend from high school died a few years ago, before we could get together again. Happened again this year and it all makes me cry. I've felt fairly invulnerable until the past few weeks. Call all your old friends KJ, and say hi in person or on FB or wherever. Just send love. That's what I am trying to do.
ReplyDeletemim, i know. it's not just calling. sometimes i need to forgive some stupid slight too. or i get bogged down in my own busyness. (how do i spell that?!) i know it's important to minimize regrets. i try to live with that in mind.
Deletelove
kj
I cried for Thoreau once, someone I never met and who died long before I was born. One might reasonably expect the husband of a friend (one who's anywhere near your age) to be too mature to cheat you, but some people never change and they either think they're getting away with their shenanigans or don't care if they're get away with them. Either way, this man dishonors his wife by threatening her friendship with you.
ReplyDeleteyou said this so well, snow. i am so angry at the guy and yet i know i've now had a part in creating conflict for my friend because i've pushed back on her husband. sometimes the pettiness of people surprises me and it always disappoints me. don't want people like that in my life.
Deletelove
kj
There does come a time where death becomes more and more of a presence in our lives. I find that hard to accept ... just as I find the impermanence of some friendships hard to comprehend. So much in life that once felt solid turns out to be temporary at best. That's not to say there isn't fun and laughter and love along the way though. Big hug to you KJ xx Jos
ReplyDeletehello jos xoxoxo,
Deleteand how about all we learned from loving and losing renee? even today she is clearly in my mind and heart. i'll bet this is true for you too.
always always so great to hear from you,
love
kj
8, i have lost friends too. a half dozen, maybe more if i care to count. two dear friends before age 30 and my best and spiritual friend, willa, who i can never replace. i think you and i tend to think the same way: i also appreciate my days and all the goodness around me. still, i hate goodbyes, even when they lighten
ReplyDeletelove
kj
Living rather intimately in cancer circles I was introduced to far to much impermanence in my thirties....you never get used to it and I dont think you're supposed to or should...so I dont waste my time trying...living without regret is where my efforts lie...I'm certainly not entirely successful. ..I just hope to get reaaaal close!
ReplyDeleteKj, I am sorry about your friend. Some friends are forever and some are not, learning to stay true to yourself and not let people treat you badly is something I have learned over the years. I have said goodbye to friends who have treated me unkind and I still love them, but had to leave them for my own sake. I am now surrounded by friends that are very flawed, but they would never treat me badly and I love them with all my heart.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Visiting for the first time in a long while...
ReplyDeleteWhile we can lose friends to death at any time, I think it hits us harder as we get older, because we are wiser and not so innocent as when we were young...when we thought we'd live...forever