I am a grandmother and I like that role more than I would have imagined. :^)
When my own daughter was not yet five, my friend Nancy told me not to worry. "If anything ever happened to you," she said, "I will make sure that if Jess wants acting lessons in New York City, I will find a way for her to follow that or any other dream."
Jess grew up and Nancy died and I am still and always wanting to be sure dreams can be followed. Jess is not an actress and she does not live in New York City: she is a talented wonderful woman and daughter and Mother.
I have this hope that her children--my grandchildren--will grow up and remember especially that I believed in them, supported them, loved them in every possible way. In many ways I view myself as a teacher when they are with me: they try new foods because they like the idea of a "no thank you" bite. They sing and dance because we turn up the music, clap our hands, raise our voices, and tap our feet. They rhyme words and I remind them they are poets. Six year old Ryan knows that The Little Prince lives alone on his own planet the size of a house, with only a special rose to care for. And four year old Drew, shown here at his pre-school graduation today (Mr. Ham) puts out the plates and silverware and cleans the dinner table with great pride.
I attended Drew's graduation on one crutch. Yesterday I learned I will need a no fooling-around total knee replacement, and soon. (July 9th). JB had a knee replacement a few years ago and I remember how extensive and painful it was for her, for many weeks. I remember thinking if I ever had to go through something like that, I wasn't sure I would have the determination and courage she did to get to the other side.
I had to tell Jess last night that I will not be physically able to help her with the new baby. That I will not be able to take Ryan for a week in August in Cape Cod, him and me. I held back tears knowing I cannot be there for my daughter because I will have my own surgery and issues to attend to. I don't just view being her Mother as a responsibility: it is a privilege to support her and her family. I don't know if she really knows how much and how hard I try to provide that support, but that's okay. I love her unconditionally and that's what counts.
I'm not a grandmother whose whole life is her grandkids. Not even. I live two hours away and I admit to exhaustion when JB and I have the kids for the weekend.
But I care and I try. And boy oh boy are they fun.
love
kj
I love the graduation mortar board hat photo. Sorry to hear about the knee replacement. In the long run was JB happy she did it? You will be avoiding years of knee problems, but Im sure its scary. When I was a PT I always marveled at people who went and had the second knee done right away...But they wanted it over and to start their new mobility...I always thought it was kind of like baby amnesia...thats my theory about why people have more than one kid...they just forget how painful it was...but really its like that knee thing...just worth it.
ReplyDeleteZoe, the truth is I love to walk and that has been limited for the last several years. I don't think I would have ever chosen this surgery voluntarily, but I am getting more comfortable with the outcome I am an active person even when I'm not :-) thanks for the encouragement xoxo
DeleteLove
kj
What a little character that Drew is!!! Lots of joy and energy in that little guy. Isn't being a grandmother just The Best Thing! I still say that you are getting a very good return on your ONE child!
ReplyDeleteEasy for me to say - best to get the surgery done and over with. You will be able to chase after that crowd of yours for many many years to come.
Sending you fearless love,
Deb
Deb, drew is a remarkable child in that 99% of the time he is pure fun. And sweet. He asked me to show him. 'Tic tac toe' and he looked k at me and said 'did I win?' But no competivenes--more that he figured that was the purpose /-)
DeleteI love the idea of chasing after that crowd. You say just the right thing. Thanks deb
Love
kj
Dear KJ, I had a double knee replacement almost one year ago. It was a piece of cake. The worst part was the bed pan. I could kick myself for waiting so long and I'd advise anyone who asked to do it, ASAP. Don't waste a minute on the pain.
ReplyDeleteI'm crossing things off of my bucket list, now; things that I loved doing but stopped because of my knees. I'm living, full-time, in my motor home. Just drove cross country, my dog and I and am back in Massachusetts with my elderly mom. I'm riding a bike, one of my passions and something I haven't done in 15 years. I've been kayaking, something I aloways wanted to do but those danged knees wouldn't bend. And I'm taking horseback riding lessons.I grew up in horses, but never took a lesson.
I ramble, but I am so excited about my new, miracle knees and my ability to live the life I have always wanted. That new knee of yours is going to open all kinds of doors!
Cindi, thank you SO much. That is totally encouraging. I will follow your path and example :-) it is wonderful to know you are living your precious life!
DeleteLove
kj
Oh! And I was never in any real pain, after the surgery. Certainly nothing that compared to the pain I was in prior to the surgery.
ReplyDeleteOh dear god, the pain and the bedpan are my worse fear! Good to know half might be alright :-)
DeleteThanks again xo
Love
kj
All the best wishes for your upcoming surgery kj x
ReplyDeleteI have faith you will recover well due to your wholesome outlook on life and most of all because you are loved by your family and friends.
Take care and keep on loving that adorable family of yours <3
Thanks Robyn. I am kind of a lazy wimp sometimes so I am having to give myself a talking to to psych up for all this :-)
DeleteLove
kj
PS... that funny little <3 is a heart if you manage to turn your head to the side while viewing it.. heehee x
ReplyDeleteI knew..... :-)
DeleteYou will be fine and wonderful! maybe a bit inconvenient at first but you WILL BE FINE AND WONDERFUL. The baby will be there, the house will be there, you will be great when this is done...so there!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad there's some resolution, and please tell Jess to give me a shout out if she needs a bit of help, I'd be glad to pitch in. I adore little boys anyway
Mim, a bed pan!!!! There goes my dignity right there.
ReplyDeleteYou are so kind to offer to help. You are so kind, period.
We just sent eachother emails at the exact same time. I mean exact!!!
Love love
kj
Kj OK this is what it is. You live in MA where there is a great seafarin' tradition. Instead of the knee replacement, amputate and get a peg leg. Just make sure you get a good mast maker to carve it so your legs are of equal length. Course the grand kids as they get older will think it great fun hiding it from you and watching you hop hither and yon Foc'sle to poop deck looking for the thing but if you do it right now you should be healed up enough to take care of other people instead of yourself.
ReplyDeleteDon't misunderstand I am not making light of your daughters pregnancy and after care but this ain't her first rodeo and I am fairly certain there is a Doula around her somewhere eh?
I volunteer to amputate your leg for you but I don't have my Cap'ns license. Take care of YOUR SELF or you will never be all you can be when you want to be whatever it is you want be when you grow up kiddo!
Oh that last sage but of advice, mr walking man :-)
DeleteI know, I know. Y'know, sometimes love just carries me away :-)
Even when I limp....
Love
kj
the walking man is so funny.
ReplyDeletewell, you do have JB there to help you and it is okay to take time out to care for yourself. I know Jess will make it through and there will be another summer when Ryan can come. a time to put yourself first i think. I send prayers and know that all will be well.
Suki , mr mark is quite the guy ( and quite a poet)
DeleteI have to be careful that my needs do not deplete JB . She has a lot of her own balls in the air
As for Jess, it is an expectation I put on myself. Yes she will be fine. She is married to a fine man and she is loved by many
Thanks, suki
Love
kj
Dear KJ, I cannot believe how much you have going on right now - you must be feeling stressed, even if some of is wonderful like the new house! I know you get through it all with flying colors (and the help of family and friends). I'll be thinking of you!!
ReplyDeleteLots of love, Silke
Hello silke, ye of self portrait fame today :-)
DeleteI do feel stressed! But the last couple of days have been easier--getting familiar with what will be...
:-)
Love
kj
KJ, you might sail through your surgery. Don't compare it to what JB went through. All bodies are different :)
ReplyDeleteI love that WM said "This ain't her first rodeo!" haha! So true. And where's Mike's mom? Does she help? I don't think I've ever heard her mentioned before, come to think of it.
If I lived next door I'd be there every day, you know that right?
xoxo
Love, Lo♥♥
Lo, mike's mom is a gem. We've spent many times together with the kids and she is present in every way. Jess could not have a better mil and I consider her a good friend.
DeleteLove
kj
i'll be thinking of you on the 9th (a day before my birthday).
ReplyDeletei can't imagine having such an extensive surgery.....but they have helped so many who have had them that i've no doubt you'll be up and walking (and holding that new grandbaby) before you know it!
Thanks Amanda. I'll remember your birthday!
DeleteLove
kj
I love the idea of a "no thankyou bite". I am adding that to my repertoire of auntiness immediately. Thank you. I think auntiness and grandmotherliness must be very similar. Oliver was 10 yesterday can you believe it? Yesterday ... wasn't it yesterday I talked baby Ollie to sleep in my arms by reciting the recipes I know back to front and upside down?
ReplyDeleteIt hurts when we have to withdraw support (even temporarily)from those we love. It's not like we don't know they can cope if need be, but we love our involvement ... memory making moments of life, teaching young minds ... oh and the fun!!!!!
I shall be thinking of you on the 9th and the 10th and quite possibly the 11th, 12th and so on. Some people are part of the fabric of my life even if I haven't yet sat down and drank tea with them :-) Big hug to you KJ, you are braver than you know. (Christopher Robin said that to Pooh Bear ... there is wisdom everywhere!) xx Jos
Ah jos, your comment is all about love. I thank you for being my friend and I share your view on the fabric of friendship. Yes, we have that. How far back do we go? After Oliver but before mr Ryan.
DeleteThank you for understanding: I know you do...
Love
kj
Well how far back do we go? Of course I had to look that up because ... well because I had to! 23 Dec 2009 is the date of your first comment of my blog. Wow ... it feels like I've know you much longer than that. Funny. Good. Very Good. xx Jos
DeleteThey'll remember. I had grandparents who loved me and I never, ever forget.
ReplyDeletecs, your comment touches me deeply.
DeleteLove like that changes everything. Good that we know xo
Love
kj
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI forgot xoxo, giant hugs.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to start over :-). Sending lots of love and wishes for a quick and painless surgery and recovery. I am a day late, but hope all went well. XOXO
ReplyDeleteAnnie, you are such an honest gem of a person xo
ReplyDeleteYour original comment came through on my email and I loved it. I hope Jess understands. It's grandiose, but I like the illusion that I will and can be there for her in any circumstance.
Truth is I am stunned to think about either pain or inpairment for weeks or months. I hope I am brave and not whiney. I think JB is uncertain about that too!
Been taking one Vicodin at night and thankfully it knocks me out but I wonder if it contributes to my lethargic days
Thank you always, Annie
Kiss kiss
kj
Hello dear heart. I haven't been taking much time to read blogs and facebook updates lately. I'm so sorry I missed learning about your pain and upcoming surgery until now! You are one of the most caring people I know, and now it will be time to care for yourself a bit for a change. Not an easy thing for someone like you, whose heart is as big as the sky. I wish you all the best with your surgery, and a speedy complete recovery. Pain sucks, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this, my friend.
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
Deletehello dear angela, my twinkly twin. i am doing my best for my own self care :^)
it all feels unreal: knowing my summer is doing to be quite different than i envisioned. i am still trying to figure out how to plant my zinneas planted because the view from my kitchen window must have zinnias! thank you for you kind kind words. you know, i can be a pain in the ass too :^) so your faith in me is gratefully accepted.
love love
kj
what a heartwarming post this is! you are doing the best that u can kj, and thats enough. Like they say in the aircraft - wear ur own oxygen mask first. All the best with your surgery, and i'll be rooting for u.
ReplyDelete