Animal Wednesday: Guest Columnist Emily Rabbit's Father

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Dear Annabelle,

Did you get the carrots? I had them sent special delivery from the mail room, it was a favor to me because normally mailing food is not allowed but when I explained that the box of radishes got returned, I managed to elicit some understandable concern about my family during the winter months.

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I think I am going to be able to send some Army blankets too. That is going to cost me covering a couple of overnight lab shifts, but any lack of sleep I get will be offset by not worrying about you all on that new hill. Is the hole nice and deep and is the dirt firm enough? Please jump up and down all around the hole to be sure everything is good and strong.

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I got a postcard from Emily last week. Since when did she signing her name with white ears with the little pink silvers? She told me not to tell you that she got arrested at the church board of directors meeting for trying to sell rabbit pellets disguised as multicolored jelly beans. She admitted that it might not have been wise of her to approach small children and offer them samples.

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But of course she also said it was not her fault when several of them got sick. Where do you think she learned to lie on the ground and kick her feet up in the air like that? And that BooHooHooBooHoo cry of hers? She said she thought kicking and boohooing at the same time would be enough to get her out of trouble but because children were involved she was arrested and spent the night in jail. Her friend JB bailed her out it seems, but you should probably contact Uncle Bunny and ask him to send her some money, or if not money, at least a thank you card.

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Things are not too bad here. Of course who would want to be held against their will like this, not to mention some of those experiments are very stressful. The one I hate the most is where we have to figure out which lever to hit before we get this puny piece of lettuce. Ridiculous. At least make the reward more interesting, like, licorice or maybe frozen yogurt.

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Anyway, I’m not complaining because at least I have my own cage now. I feel bad for the newcomers who start off six to a cage and can barely turn around. Plus, no sex is allowed, not that it matters to me, dear Annabelle, but can you imagine a whole community of celibate rabbits? And they wonder why random humping makes so much noise?

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I’m working on a communication system with one of the doctors here and I’m impressed that he is starting to understand a few commands. But for the life of me how am I going to explain that rabbits need sex? He should know that already, really. What could be more obvious? But you know these humans. They miss the most obvious things.

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I got your last letter but the corners were chewed off so I couldn’t tell if Mayor Hare won another term or not. I’m still surprised we have a browned haired rabbit for mayor. Maybe the color barriers are breaking down. I’m for that, after all, who really cares who’s white or brown or grey? But I couldn’t believe that Madeline dyed herself pink. That is quite a dramatic statement.

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Do you think it has anything to do with the fact that she prefers women to men? I don’t care about that either. All that matters to me is that my family is cozy and happy. That’s one thing I will never understand about humans. Doesn’t it seem like they spend so much time worrying about money and jobs that they forget about the most simple pleasures?

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Annabelle, I know you are still mad at me for getting caught. I probably could have outrun those men, and maybe I could have escaped during the ride here, but I decided it might make sense to get inside and see what goes on here.. Afterall, we had lost almost two hundred of us before they got me.

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They call this place the National Institute of Health, the NIH for short. There must be a zillion mice here and since we both know they are not nearly as smart as rabbits, God only knows what happens to them. In my section we are treated fairly well, most of the time. There was a period of a several weeks when a bunch of us were forced to stay awake day and night. If we fell asleep we got this electrical shock and really the whole thing was very unpleasant, but now that that’s over and done, I get my three meals a day, my cage is cleaned twice a week, and because they’re so impressed that I can wiggle my nose on command I often get extra goodies in the form of radishes and parsley.

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Don’t worry about me Annabelle. There will come a day when they will want to replace me with someone younger or less experienced and when I see that coming I’ll make my move to come home. You know I’m as smart as Uncle Bunny when it comes right down to it. Just because he and Janis Joplin became friends, that doesn’t mean he’s smarter than me.
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Ooops. It’s time to push the green button again. Easy peasy. I love you Annabelle. Let me know when you get the carrots. And don’t forget to jump around the hole.

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Love

Your faithful husband Noah C.C. Rabbit