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No petty change for me. When the universe decides I need a shaking up, the winds are at hurricane level.
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I'm losing weight, looking good, beaming at the early reviews of my book.
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All good.
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What? What's that you say? I've been busted open? I can't go back?
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And where exactly is 'back', anyway? Because maybe I didn't study the terrain closely enough before I started this journey. Maybe I'm not prepared.
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What? No matter? I'm moving forward anyway? Even without a map?
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But I didn't pack either. I'm ill-prepared.
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So what? That is not a helpful answer.
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Get it together?
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Not so helpful either.
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Accept?
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Love anyway?
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Be compassionate?
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All three? All at once?
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Yup.
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Sigh.
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Dammit...
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Okay...
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Okay..
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Okay.
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Addition: They offered me blankets. They wrapped their arms around me and brought me french roast coffee. They called me every day, sometimes twice, until I sat with them on their couch, and they listened to my tale and they reached for my hands. They told me why they love me and why I am worthy. In the morning they offered me their home made jellies and multigrain muffins, on small dishes adorned with birds in flight. These are good friends, opening themselves to shelter me from a passing storm. May I remember this and give back, over and over, until I no longer feel lost within myself, rescued by the simple acts of generosity that I, and I alone, can give too.
My question is this: How can you be prepared for a path that shifts as you walk it? Becuase that's what I have come to believe life is - a path that twists and turns even as our feet are lifting for the next step. That's not a bad thing, just sometimes unsettling. So, yeah - acceptance is the best you can do.
ReplyDeleteAcceptance? At peace with yourself? At peace with the world? R U like that?
ReplyDeleteMaybe it is good.
Dunno.
cs, how how true. so if i give up thinking i know, and i give up trying to control the result, is that the point?
ReplyDeletepieterbie, M I like that? sometimes yes, sometimes no. but peter, i think acceptance and feeling at peace IS good. then again, maybe accepting non acceptance and feeling unsettled is good too... :)
the word verification is 'fists'.
how about that?!
I don't know . .I like adventure, I revel in change and have lived through plenty of transition but I still like a map, even if there's opportunity to stay a while or deviate from the main road. . I still like a little 'safety net' in case it all goes pear shaped.
ReplyDeleteme too, baino! i like a map too! and i'm the queen of 'back doors'. but here i am without either. like it or not, here i am. so what's to do except show up and hope for the best? oh, and reach deep and breathe. etc etc etc
ReplyDeleteword verification hootthu. it;s the 'hoot' that caught my attention...
I'm sure many of us would/could relate to your transition but we'd all have our own actions/reactions.
ReplyDeleteIt reminds me of the phrase "Same shit, different bucket."
I think what the key thing to keep in mind in any event is "what is my lesson here? What am I supposed to take away with me?" Of course we also have the feeling that we can't survive this transition/crisis/life changing moment...but we do. We do.
The other thing to take with you KJ is that you are not alone. Not in this world, not in your grief, not in your heart.
You have a team girlfriend!!
Those who love you hurt when you hurt. Just let us know what you need us to do.
xoxo
Lolo
I am lost. I hope you are alright. Something that helps me - often! - is remembering ...the only way out, is through...
ReplyDeleteYou are strong, hang in there!
lolo, tsup!
ReplyDeletelavender, it's only 'life'! i'm definitely in transition but like spring i'll be blooming again. you are so sweet in your caring and sensitivity.
KJ ... the only way out is through, that's what my parents used to tell me. And even if we find some sort of shortcut or way around it, somehow we end up back at the place we need to go through in order to grow. There is a long lyric that means a lot to me and when I heard it today it made me think of you:
ReplyDelete"There are things that you know because of the way you've had to grow ... and maybe soon you'll find a place to call your own."
Hugs!!
I'm thrilled for you KJ! I added you to bloglines because I will soon be blogging diffferently. Check this out and watch the quick video.
ReplyDeletehttp://mylifeasawarrior.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-500th-post-and-great-news.html
I'll be a bloggiing fool!