Saturday, July 11, 2009


This is Race Point. Its elevation allows a panoramic view of the Atlantic Ocean and the Outer Cape. The sand is soft, the breeze is gentle, and today the sun was spectacular. JB, Liz and I headed here around 2:30, lying in the sun and falling asleep to that uniquely wonderful sound of distant voices nearby.
Liz has been here since Wednesday. In many ways she is the sister I've never had. We speak honestly, bitch openly, laugh freely. I can count my closest friends on one hand and Liz is among them. I've been thinking about friendship lately. And I've been thinking about my blog friends versus my in-person friends.
My blog relationships have changed me. Perhaps it's because we get to know one another without physical constraints, without preconceptions, without glaring idiosyncrasies, without judgements, and without demands. Whatever the reason, I find myself cherishing these relationships, and saying "I love you" more often. It's been easy to express genuine affection to my blog friends, and I'm now making the effort to let my other friends know when I feel that way about them.
I can't even express how much many of my blog friendships mean to me. But I think it's important that I remind myself that they are not a substitution for the other friends I cherish, the friends who drop by for coffee, sit with me when I need company, hold and hug me when I need comfort, are able to look me in the eye with a twinkle grin or a suspicious concern.
I don't want to make the mistake of believing that friendships lovingly given and accepted through blogging is enough. I need my 'real life' friends too--because there will be times when the special bonds from blogging cannot be enough, no matter how strong and loving and precious they are. My other friends, my family, the people I live among and work with and reach out to in my community matter significantly because there will be times I will want and need them here with me, breathing the same air, holding my hands, steadying my gait, both in moments of crisis and in moments of acclaim, when there will be no substitute for sharing those moments with me, in real time.
I've been thinking about this for a while. I give myself permission to nurture my blog friendships and I want them to grow, but I also want and need to hold on to my life outside of this 3 pound laptop that connects me with special people and places I only imagined before. If any of you have opinions or ideas about how our friendships form--within and apart from blogland, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Meanwhile, may I show you more of Race Point, located in Provincetown, at the tip of Cape Cod, in the state of Massachusetts, one of the six New England States, in the United States of America?

It was a beautiful day today. I'm so glad to be sharing it with my friends, some who will sit on the red couch beside me, and others in Australia and England and Canada and New Zealand and Iran and India and Malaysia and the Philippines and, most recently, one very special friend just arrived from California, now close enough now to hug.


  1. Aw heck KJ this is a beautiful post - the photos are delicious (esp to me in wintertime right now!) and your thoughts very profound and true. You are one wise, loving woman. It is a pleasure to know you and to be counted as a friend!

  2. Thanks KJ!!!
    Also for letting me know Lolo has arrived safely, I have been looking for that news the last few days.....
    Oh what a place you are! Love all those pictures!
    Lucky you!
    beautiful post about friendship.
    My blogfriends are very important to me, I feel connnected with some of them very much.
    Before blogging I was a member of a yahoo mandala group with only few members.
    We all met each other and have become friends. Miriam, one of them with whom I had the strongest connenction will stay at my house for 10 days in August when we will go to Sweden.
    So you see internet friendships can become touchable friendships as well.
    One is not less than the other, just a bit different, like all friendships are .

    Enjoy your Sunday dear! And drive safely back to work!

  3. kay, sometimes i think if i will ever be in new zealand and will meet you for lunch...i'm glad we're friends too.

    marianne, i have met four blog friends and loved them as much in person as through the blogs. one turned out very sad and very bad--perhaps because i did not take the time to allow for and respect our differences. but for the most part, i trust our relationships, you and me included. i just won't let myself lessen my "touchable" friendships. (touchable's an apt word). love you marianne...

  4. you forgot your little friend in london........sob....
    my bloggy friends are more than important to me as I don't have any friends around me any more, having emigrated from sa 23 years ago leaving all my friends.... and then travelling and working in different countries later on for 10 years, i seem to have always remained adrift, maybe not really allowing myself to get close to people anymore. (which is okay)> I have an innate distrust of people now,and am very cynical (bet you didn't know that about me). so maybe the bloggy world suits me fine, far way not to hurt me, near enough to feel we are connected.xx

  5. First...Blogopia is just as real as the face world.

    Second I have no clue how friendships form other than friends invest time in each other...sort of like blogopia.

  6. kj this is probably more insightful than you realise. I see many blogs involvng people who declare 'love' for each other, often on a rather sychopantic level, but I find (being one who uses the word 'love' sparingly and judiciously) that we still need to understand that however wonderful blog buddies are . .and they are wonderful, they are not our flesh and blood friends. We are not able to hug each other, see each other's facial expressions or gauge each other's moods (unless of course they choose to email/Skype/Webcam).

    An online friendship without actually meeting for me is a little incomplete although many bloggers email me and I can be more personal that way. So rest assured, my mission, no . .my desire is to meet and touch and converse with as many commenters as I can.

    Relish the physical friendships but don't discount the virtual for some of us are indeed 'close'.

    As a PS . .I have met many wonderful and fun people who I probably will never know in the flesh but I care for them and worry when they are absent nonetheless . .Do I love them. No . .I like them very much, and quite a few have touched my hearstrings.

  7. grr...left an insightful comment and blogger deleted it...will come back later

  8. What a beautiful place. I so wish I was there. I am missing the ocean a lot these days. Friendship comes in all shapes and sizes. I value all of mine and each person in real time and blog land has a place in my heart and a purpose for being there. It is also great when a blog friend becomes a real time friend! That has not happend to me yet, but I know it will and I look forward to it.xoxo

  9. I love feeling the sand between my toes through your photos.
    I hope you stored up enough magic from the Cape to last a while, and return refreshed and renewed.

    Aaah, I think ALL your friends know how you feel about them,,,otherwise, would they be your friends?

  10. soulbrush, certainly definitely i did not forget my little friend in london--never. you are so loved in blogland, soulbrush, including by me. still, i want you to have a real friend nearby, one you can trust and who cares about you as so many of us deeply do.

    walking man, ah yes, you are right, but sometimes i want to be held, to sit across from one another and eat chocolate cake. there are some blog friends i hope to meet and hug and hold. that's just the truth.

    baino, i don't give a damn whether you 'love' me or 'like me very much'. you are a dear friend, i trust you, i root for you, i miss you when you're off and about, and i expect one day we will look at one another and break into either laughter or dance. xo

  11. mim, of course i want to know what you think about this. i thought of you and a few other friends as i wrote this actually. blogger had no right to eat your words!

    annie, i like the way you've put this. i am blessed with some blog friends that i hope and want to transition to what marianne calls "touchable' friends. in some cases that has happened and i'm grateful for it.

    babs, i'm spending some of july and august with the sand between my toes. i am very lucky this summer--it is just wonder-full. and yes, i agree, mutuality is a necessary ingredient of friendship.

    wolfie, i am a master tanner. i time the sun starting with late afternoon until i no longer burn but tan. but thank you for your good advice!! :)

  12. The thing about blogging friends is that it is me out there; not me-as-one-half-of-a-couple. And I like that. It's tough to make friends that you both like, or who both like you...not that either one of us is completely unlikable - but I think you get my gist. I like taking on this world on my own - I get alot out of the support and understanding that my "real-life" friends just don't understand.
    I couldn't do without my friends, without my girlfriend nights - and now...can't do without my blogger friends.

  13. I just love your P-town shots, KJ! The one of the dune fence and shadows is super! I agree ... blog friends have changed my life and I need me "real life" friends, too. In some cases blog friends have become "real life" friends, too. And it's great to catch the morning blog conversation each day -- like sitting down with each of you for a cup of tea or a listening ear.

    I agree, too, about that first draft! N. taught me that ... just go for it and write, write, write that first draft. The second draft is all about the fine tuning -- I love both!

  14. I've come to believe that all sorts of friends are important, just in different ways. I don't see any as sunstitutes for any others, just holding different sorts of value. But such a blessing, all.

  15. I totally agree with you on your thoughts and wisdom on friendhips in and out of blogland. I think everyone needs balance...Gawd your so smart....LOL on the doll scaring ya....Glad you got some sun, friendship, love and relaxation..

    Hugs xox Sonia

  16. mim, i know what you mean. for a long time i felt guilty about having friends of my own and spending time away from jb. but no more. i have come to realize and accept i am a better partner and happier person when i protect and honor my own private piece of who i am and who i choose to spend time with. friends of my very own are so important to me. i'm glad my partner understands and feels the same way, but if she didn't, i would have to fight for my 'space' about this. and as for blogger friends, i can't imagine not having these precious relationships in my life. xo

    melissa! you and i have the best of all worlds: blog friends, writing friends, friend friends. and for that i am super glad! xo

  17. kj thanks for letting me know Laurel arrived, I am so happy to hear that.

    This was interesting kj.

    For me I get different things from different friends, but seriously care very much for all of them.

    You happen to be one of them.

    Love Renee xoxo

  18. renee, this is my favorite part of the comment you just left about this post:

    "You happen to be one of them."

    ditto moon sister. ditto.

  19. Blog friendship is good as I feel there is no such selfish attitude towards reading or asking or giving suggestions to others. It is a complete neutral way of expressing things to each other.

    Wherever, there is a physical constraint there will sure subconsciously or consciously a "I AM GREATER THAN YOU" machine keep working on. I don't know much about you and you know little about me still we are unite with words. Is there anything greater than this?

    Other friendships are also important. but we can't make a synergy with everyone. may we sip tea or coffee together and talk joy and sorrow, crack jokes but we can't open our hearts with everyone.

    Blog friendship also has little harmful effect like we are getting into a virtual world more and more and forget the practicality of life. Though in other way, all around us is also a dream,a virtual world. Only world real is within us.

    I like you photographs especially the lady??? who sit top of the ladder or something like that.

    I like you very much because through virtually I've perceived that you possess quite a pure heart.

  20. Above all, a good physical friend will always be there (well, almost always). You're right, the blogosphere throws up quite a few surprises, mainly of a nice nature (at least to me), but nothing can come in between the real friend the virtual one. Many thanks for such an honest post. I enjoyed the views a lot.

    Greetings from London.

  21. KJ - I know what you mean about private space/friends. We also honor that in this house...but it's still tough. There isn't enough time to be together, to see common friends and to see one's own friends - it all tends to collide. Do we have blog friends because we can have them at 5:00 AM? Being in the same time zone/physical space isn't important to these friendships.

    I often worry that some blogger friends will just 'disappear" - or stop blogging or get bored with it etc. I've actually left instructions with DH that if something happens to me and I can't blog (I am a klutz!) he needs to go on line and let you all know what's up!

    Anyways - interesting topic. I'm seeing a blogger-seminar thing happening with topics such as
    "How to have blogger friends who you really couldn't stand if they were physical friends" and "Are you hiding behind your blog?" etc etc etc.

  22. cs, for years i was not attentive to my friends, believing my other priorties (children, work, partner, parents) could not allow the time needed. but i've learned it's not about time. and i'm glad i've learned my lesson. i need my friends. and they need me.

    sonia, hello girl! wouldn't you love to see our renee's twinkle eyes? :)

    shubhajit, well, i have to say i'm becoming very fond of you! you are very wise. you've covered so many important points in your comment. if my heart is pure (which i hope it is), it is also wild and sometimes reckless. i hurt too easily sometimes, although i think that is my ego and not my heart. xoxo

    hello cuban in london, welcome here. i'm delighted you've come. yes, nothing like friends you can call at 2 am. it seems there is consensus that there are all kinds of friends in life, and each is precious. period.

    mim, what an excellent point about the availability of blog friends at all hours. and i understand about not having enough time. my good friend heather and i have agreed to seeing one another once a season because that forces us to do it, we support one another so much, and if we didn't shoot for that other demands would scoop us right up. and i know what you mean about the potential for a really good blog friend to disappear. that happened with anonymous bird. debra kay knows. it is awful wondering what's happened to her. almost a year later i still think about her well being and i miss her very very much. the fact that she lives in australia makes it all the more challenging.

    have a good day, everyone. love from me to you is soaring through the airways: try to catch a handful.

  23. Race Point looks so wonderful. I bet you had the nicest time there. Thank you for being one of my blog friends. Real-life friends are hard to come by... I only have a couple in my life, and I am grateful for them.

  24. Sparkle in Renee's eyes would be awesome KJ

    Hugs xoxox Sonia

  25. Oh what a beautiful beach kj! You know that walkway reminds me so much of the one across from my parents house in Queensland.

    As everyone else had commented this is an insightful post. I love my blog friends too (you and Renee are two of my favourites) but I concur, we need to remember our other friends.

    I have an inclination to work too many hours and although I only spend a very small amount of time blogging, I spend even less with my girlfriends these days.

    This is a lovely reminder to me that they are such an important part of my life. Lunch with three of them is in my diary for Saturday!

  26. barbara, it is my pleasure to be your blog friend. to think there was a time in my life when i did not know any writers and dreamers.

    kate, you and i would be friends in 'real' life 'real' time too. do you know that? and we would wax philosophy over lunch. meanwhile kate, i'm glad you're spending time with your friends on saturday. don't work so hard if it means lessening time with the people you love.... :)

  27. Loving your photos so much!!! The east coast beach is so sublime :) wonderful reading this post, so true and real.

  28. Ahhh, this is the KJ I love...
    Opened armed,
    wooshing us in with "come on and sit down for a spell" words!
    Through these pages, these words,
    these stories, thoughts, hugs...
    I've wandered around your house,
    your back yard,
    your world...
    I've watched a baby love come into the world
    and listened while other loves have drifted...

    I've made a new old friend...
    May the circle be unbroken

  29. val, i hope next summer we delightfull join up somewhere on land or sea. what a lucious thought!

    singleton, oh dear god, oh dear girl, i have to tell you: you fill a spot for me that no one else does. i've missed you and i'm so glad your comment's here.

    you've gotten it all.


  30. How lucky I am to know you, to hang out in your company.

    I miss you on Mondays, though. I only have one left...strange to lose such a big part of my life. But really, I won't lose it--that's the magic. Plus, we have September!

    Give jb all my best.

  31. Tsup & Smiles to you Kj ... well the only difference in meeting via blogland over our coffe mugs is the length of the table top ;)

  32. Yes, yes, KJ I love your friendship. The photos here are beautiful & stunning!
    I want to sit besides you too KJ.
    I am counting the poles and the shadows casted by the poles(timber)!
    I love the first picture a lot. It signifies the friendship built by you with all the friends surrounding you KD!
    Bye and Happy Wednesday!

  33. A very touching post, and I think you are being smart too - Im remembering the old saying 'a bird in the hand, beats two in the bush' LOL Its funny here because its so true :)

  34. Hey, that really looks like a great place!
    I can follow you 100% as far as blog friendships go. They have added value to my little life, but I also cherish the real-life friendships, and like you, I don't have that many people I consider real life friends, I have a few more blog friends. I don't consider everyone I exchange blog messages with as a real blog friend, only those you mail with, you share personal things with...
    But blog friend can never substitute for real life friends.
    How many real life friends do I have? 3 to 4, I guess.