Here's a first world problem: I'm here, this very place is barely a block away from where I sit now, I work very part-time in a lucrative job I quite enjoy, I have time to create a landscape and garden in my new tiny yard, I have a family I would easily die for, I'm 250 pages into the writing of a novel that excites and pleases me, I have enough money to fill the refrigerator and fill my fancies.
It's not all rosy: my back and hips and knees are an orthopedic mess. Much of the time I pretend I will lose weight and commit to the gym and then I will be able to walk a mile, or two or three, as I used to, but really, today, I limp when I walk and I walk less than ever. I've called the gym and I will go again, but I don't like the intrusion of it. I'm a sedentary person, a writer, a counselor, happy on the couch.
Besides that sometimes I'm lost, as in unrooted. JB is having her own hard time and though we try to help one another, that old adage that you have to know how to swim before you can rescue someone else applies here. My biggest problem--the one that gnaws at me--is that I am too far from my daughter and her children--my grandchildren--to be woven into their daily life and daily needs--a ride to soccer practice, an early morning fill in because one of the kids is sick and there's a big work presentation required. My feelings vacillate between sadness for not moving right next door ("No, Mom, I don't think that would work; you should move where you want, really") and worrying that more and more I will become less and less prominent in my family's fabric ("Don't take this the wrong way, Mom, we're fine.")
I told you this was first world stuff. I won't prolong this post by daring to compare my actual status to the families and tragedies in Syria or to the heartless appearance of a lost job or a relentless cancer cell. I know better; I know good fortune when I see it. But yes I'm melancholy. I think (hope) it's temporary--so many changes and challenges in the past year. Now from this small beautiful land surrounded by the sea, how I figure out (try) how to walk well again and how I make certain I connect enough and well with my beloved family: these are my thoughts this Sunday morning, the kindest breeze coming through the window next to me.
Working on what matters by thinking. And not thinking.
(nice to be blogging again)
love
kj
Two things occur: First, there is always a period of adjustment following major change and second, if you are bone and joint-wise a mess and you have water that you can safely swim in, try that. It may help because the pressure is taken off the joints and you still get needed movement and exercise. I replied to your reply of the previous post.
ReplyDeleteThanks e. Swimming is not my thing but walking is and I've started the steps-by-steps back. I've also acknowledged that time is my friend :-)
DeleteLove
kj
I understand all these feelings. There's always a catch in this human experience of ours. lovelovelove to you.
ReplyDeleteDeb, yup: ups can't be ups without downs.
DeleteBy the way, I predict great happiness for you ahead. Different, but great
Love
kj
Love
Sending light and love, Karen. You know when someone says to me oh that's a first world problem, I feel a bit diminished. My problems, to me, although not life threatening, are still important and not to be pushed aside. Be kind to yourself. all that you speak of is important and a sadness. Do try swimming as E suggests if you like to swim. Fabulous therapy. Salt water too, the best healing water. Hugs to you as you think and not think. Suki
ReplyDeleteThanks Suki xo. I breathe in the salt water. I think it counts :-)
DeleteLove
kj
While reading this post, dear Karen, I think you are really very very tired of all what happened recently in your life. You need the time to come at ease, rest and relaxation.
ReplyDeleteI wish you and JB all the best and take good care of each other.
Dearest friend Wieneke, it is not yet time to relax but I think it will be soon. I took a walk today and I'm pleased .
DeleteI always love hearing from you. When and where are we having apple pie?
Love
kj
We all have problems kiddo, I wrote a few of mine down on my latest post. Look what do you want--to be the mother in Everybody Loves Raymond--living right up your Sil and daughters butt? Aw hell no, my closest child is 40 miles and my furthest is closer to you than me and guess what? I haven't missed a thing I chose not to miss, their all grown up now, they have my number and they now the old fat hairy bear will be there aches, pains or no brains will get in my way.
ReplyDeleteBUT if they don't ask then I am forced to assume they are doing as well as young ones can (all mid 30's). Look at it this way, you made a choice for you and your partner together. Now your trippin' so forgeddabout it. Or sell what you just bought and live out your regrets over taking a few years of your lives for yourselves.
You know what i am about to write but I'll write it anyway; fuck that, live your life now for you. Your daughter, SiL, and the kids can now travel over the forest and through the woods to grandma's house for the visits. Let me therapize you for a second---NOW, today, this is your time--enjoy it or be in a state of mourning and regret--*meh* your choice. But I doubt just like you and your wonderful mom, you and your daughters relationship will not suffer by a little distance.
And besides, my dear, just think of how much more delicious the spoiling of your grandchildren will be and the sending them home with them wanting to always come back. Nuff said.
Mark, I owe you one. This has helped me more than I could have imagined. Mwah tsup and smooch
DeleteLove
kj
My first year as a therapist, a patient once mused, "Who can measure another's pain?" That resonated. You're allowed to struggle even if you aren't in the midst of a war or starvation or suffering the loss of a child.
ReplyDeleteOh I know but I resist :-)
DeleteLove
kj
With you my darling girl. Sometimes there are so many things happening in our lives that it doesn't matter if they're positive or negative; it just all feels overwhelming. And that is okay. I so understand you thoughts about your daughter and grandchildren; and those thoughts about the sedentary lifestyle that is just who some of us are. And not being supported as much as you'd like by a close 'another' who's going through their own issues. All these are also relevant to me. Darling girl, I wish I lived near you...and we'd go for a walk every day together before we allowed ourselves to do any creative work...and as we walked we'd talk about life and all the big stuff...the important stuff...of loving...of changing...of evolving into the souls we'd like to be...
ReplyDeleteBoy you heard me on this one, Chrisy! Thank you. You know if ever I'm in your continent I will ring you up for that walk :-)
DeleteAnd yes even the best can be overwhelming. Good point
Love
kj
Sorry, I have been in a fog of my own and missed this.
ReplyDeleteI think you are wise to acknowledge the difficulty and melancholy of change. And as another commenter said, you have been through a lot in the past few months. Time to rest from all your labors. Sit with your feelings. You will know when to start moving again.
On the subject of losing weight - my exercise science trained daughter reminds me that going to the gym does little for weight loss. It's really all about the food. Less calories, lose weight. Or as she says - it will take an hour of intense gym time to work off the brownies I just ate. Easier not to eat the brownies : ( Of course moving will help those achy joints, a lot.
Glad to see you blogging again!
8, the gym and diet and better health while I expertly complain about all of it :-)
DeleteNot able to put my feet up yet. I think another 3 weeks will get me there
Ps glad you're back too xo
Love
kj
"I work very part-time in a lucrative job I quite enjoy,"
ReplyDeleteI know you retired, so I guess this means you went back to work?
In some cultures, no one would even dream of moving away from their family, but here it seems to be the norm. I think it reflects badly upon us, although I'm one of those who moved. At the time, it seemed natural and even easy, but I have seriously come to question more and more of America's cultural values.
Hi snow, I can't say I retired already because I had 'work' to do and I probably won't any time soon because I have plans ahead :-)
DeleteI know quite what you mean about moving away from our families and clan. I'm ambivalent. But time will help me figure it out ,and my Jess too. No doubt I'm there in s crunch. It's the little moments I wonder about. Mr walking man's comments were gold from the sky
Love
kj
I've been away from blogging too. My thoughts and love go out to you that this melancholy period passes soon.
ReplyDeleteSo what have you been doing, Amanda? Are you traveling. Digging, writing?
ReplyDeleteA treat to hear from you. Glad we're both around
Love love
kj