It began when Jessica was three. She's spent every Christmas Eve and Easter Day with her father.
For the first time, this morning, I've regretted that early decision to equally share our daughter on those holidays. I hope my regret is temporary, fueled by the fact that I am alone today. JB is in Provincetown gaining some well needed rest from a recent illness. Jess and her family are at their home two hours a way. I was there yesterday and I know all is well in their household, which means the world to me.
Today I am here alone at my home where I have looked forward to a several days on my own and where I will write and garden.
I didn't know I would feel lonely.
And I want that feeling to be okay. I'm not quite there being content in my aloneness but I want to be.
This is not to say that I have not celebrated the coming of Easter and finally Spring.
Mr. Ryan and his brother Drew left yesterday after two jam-packed sleep-over days and nights with me, their Gram. It is a role I find delightful and invigorating and exhausting. :^)
We walked to the park and fed the goats.
We visited a scary Easter Bunny who didn't talk but nodded. Mr. Ryan asked how he (she?) managed to get entry into people's houses on Easter morning. Did the parents open the door? Nod No. Did he (she) use the chimney? Nod No. Did he (she) get in through the garage door code? Nod Yes. Personally I did not think that was a good answer.
We explored.
And relaxed.
We colored eggs.
We bowled. Candlepins. This was a discovery: a local bowling alley in existence for 56 years where you kept score the old fashioned way on a sheet of paper and had the benefit of no electronics except the pin setter.
We ate spaghetti. (This is Drew.)
I am alone and I belong to a family and both of these facts are one true thing. Today is not my childhood memory of a new Easter hat and coat, patterned leather shiny shoes, and my Mother's honey ham and scalloped potatoes. Today is a day when the people I love are happy and content and the sun is bright and the rest is up to me.
Happy Easter if you happen to be celebrating. And happy Spring if you happen to be on this side of the continent. I hope you belong somewhere, and I hope the people you love are well.
Love,
kj
I will see two of my three children today but won't have a family supper which I both miss and don't miss. It's nice to not have to make a big meal.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs and happy Easter and happy spring.
Happy Easter and spring to you too, deb. 2 out of 3 is pretty good!
DeleteLove
kj
kj,
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful time you and your grandsons, had!
Time spent together is so precious and the most important gift you can give them. They are indeed lucky.
Here, where I live it has been unseasonably cold, with snow still laying on bits of the ground, and as well freezing rain yesterday.
However today we are forecast for a temp of 11 Celsius, and the sun is shining.
So, it feels springlike.
The robins returned and so will be happy that the weather might start to warm up.
I wish you a special quiet day, to enjoy spring, and as well maybe to have some much deserved rest!
For me, sometimes it feels best to focus on Easter, or other holidays as part of a season, and not just dependent on the one day. So, I have had a lovely week with my small children at the daycare preparing for Easter, and if I don't do much special on the actual day, it is okay. And to know of course that tomorrow is another day, with happy possibilities.
But of course, as you know, it is completely human to miss loved ones, and feel loss over holidays when alone.
Thanks for your post, and wishing you a Happy Easter,
Brenda
Ah Brenda, thank you for such wise words and such a healthy reminder. Those children are lucky ducks to have you in their lives. And I know you are equally lucky
DeleteLove
kj
Oh, and kj, I missed saying that I was amazed with all the great things you did when your grandsons were visiting. Many people would be satisfied and able to just get to a few of these.
DeleteYou are an awesome grandma, for sure, and I am sure your lucky ducks know it!
How nice to recall the days of Easter dresses, hats, and special shoes! It sounds like you have lots of good memories, kj.
B
Brenda, I collapsed in exhaustion when I got back home :-)
DeleteHappy Easter and Spring to you! I am blessed to have both my girls home - egg hunt, traditional ham dinner, and traditional nap.
ReplyDeletePersonally I like to feel lonely once in a while because it really highlights how much love I have in my life. And so (it is obvious from these photos) do you!
Yay, 8! What kind of potatoes ? :-)
ReplyDeleteYou deserve such a fine day! Looking good ahead, I'd say, for both of us
Love
kj
Happy Easter kj. Wishing you all the rebirth and renewal of life's creative energies in the coming year.
ReplyDeletexo
Dear Amanda, that's a great wish! Thank you
DeleteLove
kj
That last statement is by no means always true.
ReplyDeleteFriko, what was I thinking? I should have clarified. In my case I mean here my biological family, but the word 'family' means more than biology to me. I think it's hard to feel alone and I think 'belonging' somewhere somehow makes life more joyful and easier
DeleteThat said, I understand your comment completely
Love
kj
Easter blessings kj. Bear hugs, too.
ReplyDeleteGlad you've been having so much fun with members of your family. We've bending the same.
glad to hear that, rob. i hope your snow is now long gone
Deletelove
kj
A sweet Easter commentary and wonderful pics (I especially love that really artistic shot with the huge pinwheel).
ReplyDeleteWe just hung out here at home with the pets and that suited me fine. I even changed my mind about the dinner I was going to cook and we had a bowl of soup because we were still (too) full from all the hot-cross buns we ate at brunch. The sun shone, the dog and I had a great walk.....which is a good thing because we are due for rain all week ahead. Holidays need to be completely easy-going for me to enjoy them anymore; I am done with all the hoopla of past celebrations!
Cheers dear friend!
lydia, this sounds just great! i'm surprised i'm willing to fix up big meals but for some reason i find doing that both creative and nurturing. that reason could end any second, however! i hope your rain clears up and doesn't last all week
Deletelove
kj
I am very much a part of my little family and yet also alone at times. I'm at peace most of the time I'm aloe - I like the quiet and space. But I also like the chaos of my sons' presence. I guess I should count myself lucky that both situations are okay with me.
ReplyDeletecs, i am surprised that my ability to enjoy my own company is sometimes compromised. i wonder about my childhood roots and experiences and if my household was busy for much of the time?
Deleteyour quiet and space is also incredibly productive! i am amazed at what you accomplish. happy finally spring warm weather xo
love
kj
It's all good kj. (As long as i have my grilled cheese)
ReplyDeletehi mark, i'm glad to hear about the good and about the grilled and about the cheese. :^)
Deletelove
kj
Kj, Happy belated Easter, I am sorry you feel lonely. That is an emotion I find foreign, I have always loved being alone since I was big enough to be left to my own company. I love being with family and friends too, but find it exhausting after a while and need to go into my hermit cave. I really have the most fun alone because that is when I paint.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are getting some writing done.
xoxo
happy spring, annie. i envy you. I am working on this for myself! i know i am an extrovert in most respects, so the fuel you get from your hermit cave i tend to get from being with others. i'm always fascinated by how our dna and experiences shape us.
Deletelove
kj
Happy Spring to you KJ and please send my Easter greetings to Emily ... I'm hoping that Emily is still so overstuffed with chocolate that she won't notice I'm rather tardy in my greeting har har. Yes we are still walking side by side. As ever xx Jos
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