I'm pretty sure I am thanking my friend ValGal for this photo from herFacebook, page but if not, thank you to someone else for the sheer joy of it.I have been alone in my house since Friday morning. This is not a common event. Occasionally JB is away but never my dog Stella at the same time. I am not accustomed to time alone like this and I find more and more I want it and I need it. It's been very nice, sometimes lonely, but very nice.
I like knowing who I am when I am alone. I am neater than I would expect, I am more comfortable with myself than I would expect. I've had a nice balance of keeping my own company, enjoying friends, and joyfully and painfully learning more about the craft of writing.
Last night I went to a Peace concert by Holy Near; today I had 85 pages of my book reviewed by my two writing buddies and one experienced teacher. This was not easy. I expected a full array of compliments and instead I have been given the directive and means to dig deeper and write truer. That is often excruciating for a writer because it mean you have to write what you know is true, even when it hurts. You can make up a story, invent characters and scenes, but you have to let yourself feel it all and you have to be real about it in the most vulnerable way.
I think it was Norman Mailer who said another part of him died every time he wrote. I understand that.
I am also coming to terms with the fact that I don't seem to be able to shake off the past. It's time and I'm actually too healthy not to, but I don't. I carry a regret that should now be a lesson I understand, but I don't. Perhaps I am too impatient. Certainly I have grown.
And, in getting feedback about my main character, Casey, it seems her childhood was harder than she knew. I am going to have to face that, because if I don't I won't be able to understand why she does what she does. It turns out art is life. Probably no surprise there.
I spent time with two good friends last night, a married couple. We have been friends for years. We had a pot luck dinner at my house and then went to the concert. Last night I realized they both love me. That sounds funny and I don't mean to be vain in saying that. It just got through how much they individually care about me. It is easy with such knowledge to give that love back.
Does anyone remember Holly Near? She was a folksinger in the 60's and her music inspired me then. She inspired me again last night. My friend Marion, so wise here in these blogs, reminds me that the earth is rebalancing itself; all these crazy disasters and wars. I know it is up to me to do what I can., to live as I wish the world to be. I can do that. I'm glad I know that.
I should tell you my camera is not working right, my laptop is full, and my printer died yesterday. This means I am blogging differently, at least for now. This probably means having to put up with reflective thoughts and rambling posts like this one. I hope you don't mind.
I should tell you my camera is not working right, my laptop is full, and my printer died yesterday. This means I am blogging differently, at least for now. This probably means having to put up with reflective thoughts and rambling posts like this one. I hope you don't mind.
Be well, with love, kj
reading this post filled me a sense of comfort, like i was sitting on a cozy couch, covered in my favorite blanket, a really soft one i hang over my shoulders when i meditate in the winter. i felt your sense of peace and that unique experience of being alone in your own house. and i really, really relate to what you say about writing. you do have to be real in the most vulnerable way.....and boy is that hard to do sometimes. yet it is also one of the most rewarding things about writing - to look back on something you wrote and say to yourself - hey, that's not half bad. because you are so dedicated to your writing i expect you experience many moments like that --- and wish you many more. perhaps we can't always shake off the past, but as writers we can always use it as fuel.
ReplyDeletexoxo
amanda
Your a great writer KJ, if your going to dig even deeper, wow! The book would be double awesome!
ReplyDelete:) Julie
I know exactly what you mean about being alone in the house. It isn't the same if you are alone in a room in the house. :) There is a kind of 'touching base' with one's self that happens. As for writing, I will share two quotes:
ReplyDeleteFill your paper with the breathings of your heart. ~William Wordsworth
I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions. ~James Michener
And I have to say, I love writers. :)) xox Pam
i love those quotes from pam. you are a great writer kj, in fact j.m.s quote sounds to me like something you would pen.
ReplyDeletei'm glad you had one of these kinds of weekends with yourself, friends, music, writing and joy.
xox
So what's wrong with reflective thoughts,rambling posts? Sometimes, (to me anyway) they are the most interesting.
ReplyDeleteBut I do understand the aggravation and frustration of techology that isn't working as it should. Makes me crazy! (er)
The house, empty of anyone but me is a secret joy. A precious treasure trove of possibilities not often enough realized. And then on that other hand is the gratitude that it's only temporary, and not my forever state.
"Shaking off the past",,,maybe the lesson is understanding that it doesn't always go away entirely, but can be left on the back burner to boil itself out.
I can't believe I don't know Holly Near. I didn't think it possible that I'd missed even one folk singer of that era. Heading for Google,,,,,thank you!
XO
amanda, thank you very much. you are so right about writing: it is joy and pain all rolled into one! but i quite love it!! and i have plenty of fuel hee hee!
ReplyDeleteaw, julie, thanks. you are so sweet.
pam, and i have to say, 'i love writers too' :^)
lori, of the five wonderful things you mentioned, you were two of them. and the music part might even make it three! always, thank you.
hello babs, you just snuck in here while i was commenting. how many times have i told you how much i love your comments, a zillion? i think you will like holly near. i like your back burner metaphor. that is sage advice. i read your blog last night and i am so damn happy for you!!!!!
ReplyDelete♥
Don't mind at all. I spend most of my weekends alone (well with the exception of Skype friend number 1) and sometimes I relish the peace, others I feel very isolated so getting up and getting out. To feel such a sense of peace and knowing exactly who you are must be epihpanous frankly. I'm glad you're book's coming together and the honesty of friends in a critical capacity is gold.
ReplyDeleteOf course I LOVED THIS POSTING, and of course I understand how you feel about the pain of writing TRUER, and OF COURSE I REMEMBER HOLLY NEAR. I heard her sing in person in the 70s when I lived in Northern California. I love her. Thanks for reminding me.
ReplyDeleteLove, love,
S (who adores your ramblings)
P.S. Forgot to tell you that I saw "The Way" last night written, produced, and directed by Emilio Estevez. WOWOWOWOW! Martin Sheen did a great job of acting too.
ReplyDeleteI loved this movie and hope you see it. Talk about digging deeper and really knowing what is important.
I do think that when we write, even if we think it is totally fiction, we are writing about ourselves and our lives and we do need to go deep and face things. for me i often didnt know what i needed to face until the novel showed me. it was both a joy and a struggle.
ReplyDeleteof course having lived alone for years, i myself enjoy the opposite once in awhile, having guests stay over and mess up my space, LOL.
be well, suki
I think, perhaps, you are finding compassion for the character, without excusing what she's done? That's one of those exercises that brings peace.
ReplyDeletehells, you know i don't know exactly who i am, but i can't afford to hide from myself. i won't do that. and you won't and don't either. time to step it up honeyhells and shoot for the moon. i think so ♥
ReplyDeletesharon, you are adorable. you are my best surprise of the year ♥ you can be sure i will see that movie just because you said to. thank you for knowing.
suki, you have nailed what is happening to me. i am surprised and a little bit shocked. and definitely, i wish you a messy guest very soon :^)
aw jeez, cs, i didn't know this is true until just now when you said this. this is true. thank you my friend. wow.
i love my blog....
hells, i'm changing my comment. maybe time to do what you do and wrap your warm wonderful arms wide and tight around yourself. transitions come by surprise and hard friends teach surprise lessons. love always ♥
ReplyDeleteI never go to concerts, but I am aware that Holly Near performs here in Eugene from time to time.
ReplyDeleteI should think that a part of a writer would be more likely to die when he or she couldn't write than the other way around.
Peggy has been gone for 15 days, and I enjoyed my alone time too. She often goes away, but she never takes the dog or cat, so I'm never as alone as you were.
snow, being here without my dog has been entirely irresponsible. not one thing to tend to except myself... the dying part of writing seems to be agreed upon by most living active writers. it reaches so deep. i imagine this is true for you too; your writing is honest and authentic in that way.
ReplyDeletexo
I adore those random weekends alone - but I find that I am messier than I thought!
ReplyDeleteRegarding writing and being honest. I am on the verge of that with our little miss em...and some of it won't be easy, but no one said it would be. Some of it also won't be shared! I'm not that brave yet.
much love mim
I love your ramblings. They are full of wisdom and self acceptance. They fill me with warmth, as you seem to be walking the path meant for you. It is the end of the day as I read this, but I would have liked to have seen it first off, mug of hot coffee in hand, and ridden the entire day on it.
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
i'm not that brave yet either, mim. but if it gonna be written (or painted or sung or or knitted or photographed) it's got to be honest. aaaaargh, hard! as for being home alone, why not be messy when it's just you? i had to remind myself i no one would see or care but me. ps love ♥
ReplyDeleteww, i think i'm on that path whether i like it or not and sometimes i just wish i could fly. thank you for your attention and kind comments. i love that image of riding the entire day ♥