Facts, Feelings, & Tomato Plants

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Early on as a counselor I discovered that people hear and communicate in different ways.

Some are very factual: "Tell me about your illness," I'd say, and they would begin at the beginning and describe events and treatment in great detail.

Some are very emotional: "I imagine this has been very hard for you," I'd say, and they would hold back tears, explain how difficult it's been for them and their family.

I learned that it helped when I was able to communicate with a person at the level they operated from. If I offered a supportive comment upfront to a factual person, he or she would often respond with a yes or no. "Yes, it's been hard."

And if I asked an emotional person to forego their feelings and just tell me the facts, they would usually feel as though I didn't care or didn't understand.

And sometimes, I just had no idea where to start.

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These were the days, like now (full circle?) when I saw my clients in their homes. Most had had some illness or injury alter their lives, often in a large and significant way, and I was there to help them rebuild.

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So if I guessed wrong:

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"How does it feel to be out of work?" (I want feelings)

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"Not good." ( I get nothing much)

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or:

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"Walk me through what the doctor told you. (I want facts)

"Oh he was awful. I left his office and cried.' (I get emotion)

I learned to make an adjustment and start where the person was. This is important because you really can't build a trusting relationship if a person doesn't feel heard. Communicating at the same level, in a language that both people understand and are most comfortable with, is part of the science of neurolinquistics.

So often I would sit at a person's kitchen table and I would usually guess about our starting point.

And when I had no idea, either way, I would talk about tomato plants or the equivalent of tomato plants.

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"Hey," I might say, "Your garden looks fantastic."

A comment like this can establish a common ground: it is a way that two people getting to know one another or have having difficulty together can break the ice and talk about something easy, take some time before figuring out whether the dialogue is going to start with facts or feelings.

Sooner or later, we would need to talk about both. And maybe still tomato plants too. Or how the kids are doing.

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But at first, I'm a smart counselor to know where to start, how to help a person tell their story in a way that is most meaningful and most comfortable for who they are.

I've done a good bit of training and teaching communication and relationship building skills to all sorts of people, and I often start with Feelings, Facts, & Tomato Plants.

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I thought of this tonight, when I saw my own tomato plants happily relaxing on the kitchen counter. I thought that sometimes relationships don't work so well because one person is talking facts and the other is talking feelings.

Sometimes one person's words are three feet above the other's. They can't connect that way. It helps to know when that happens, don't you think?

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Love

kj