Animal Wednesday: Emily's Advice to the Lovelorn.

Hello everyone, it's me Emily, here to make sure you have fun, learn how to cry from your stomach, roll down enough hills, and stop worrying about almost everything.
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Would you believe that kj offered me $ 10 NOT to write my column this week?? She is writing some 3 part story that if you ask me is too sad and why write about that but she would tell you that is not the point at all and she is writing about loving someone even though she got hurt but everyone except kj knows that is ridiculous to try to be nice about it, that the best way to handle someone who has hurt you is first, to whine for attention, then if that doesn't work threaten to sue them, and if that doesn't work you should think about making sure their jellybean supply is reduced to almost none.
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Anyway, would you believe I told kj NO! I am writing my column and she should pay me $ 10 anyway. kj is now thinking about what to do, knowing I could throw frozen peas at the window at any moment if things get too bad.
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So this week I am going to answer questions from the lovelorn, as a followup to kj's 3 part story.
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Dear Emily.
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My name is Molly Rabbit and I am sad because my boyfriend Jeremy Applegate left me for a turtle. I had no idea rabbits would even consider dating turtles. Do you think I should try to get him back?
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Thank you,
Molly Rabbit.
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Dear Molly,
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This race between the tortoise and the hare is one you should lose as fast as you can. Jeremy is a snake, which by the way has an extra set of problems. Stop being sad and steal some radishes instead, Molly. Then roll down three hills. Then tell Jeremy to get lost.
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Dear Emily Rabbit,
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Do you think it's okay to spend money on dressing up and buying clothes instead of buying jellybeans? I like to look good but I don't want the lack of jellybeans to cause problems later on.
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Muffy Bunny
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Dear Muffy Bunny,
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I can see that you are very fashionable, but what exactly do you do with that fan? Anyway, I am sorry to tell you that if you do not maintain jellybeans in your diet, you may suffer from depression sooner or later. And Muffy Bunny, has anyone told you that you kind of look like a minister or something? Why not split your money between jellybeans and buy three flamboyant hats and leave it at that?
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Dear Emily,

Is it right to have to wear this silly jewelry? You should see some of the necklaces I'm expected to put on.

Paul Pug

Dear Paul Pug,

NO! You should start whining and crying right away. If that doesn't work, don't forget to kick too. Even in Provincetown you do not have to look like this unless of course you want to.
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Don't forget that you can also ask me for advice if you want because for the next week I will not charge you for my answers, but you may have to agree to do what I say because otherwise I would be wasting my time and why would I want to do that?
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(Oh, and kj says still pray for Renee)