Divine Justice
Twice I’ve tried and failed. I hate regrets and I have two big ones.
Through an intermediary I send word to my first deep and true love. It is 25 years later and I calmly see my part in the painful bitter betrayal that choked us both. The response back is a non response: a dollop of vanilla variety silence. If I read into it, the non words are clear: ‘I am ignoring you. Leave me alone.”
The second regret is less complicated but equally unfortunate. I lost a good friend to a bad decision, one that was not then and definitely not now worth anything close to the cost. It’s been four years. I’ve sent a couple of cards and left a couple of phone messages, apologizing, lamenting, hoping for a reconnect. I’ve gotten word back, politely and indirectly, that the time is not right… maybe some other time.
I am looking for redemption and find it buried in rejection.
Isn’t that just the way sometimes? You have to let go of someone you wished you had gripped harder or softer. You have to accept what you can’t make right. That’s your only chance.
I’ve phoned my friend Dory and we’re sharing a double scooped hot fudge sundae in downtown Northampton. It is a warm breezy Sunday night in June and gratitude skips around our ankles. Dory has made a few regret calls herself lately, with similar results.
We are two minds now less emcumbered by several less people. It’s a loss and the ice cream is quite divine. Just ice and no heat.
Isn’t that just the way sometimes?
Oh what a lovely piece, kj!
ReplyDelete"You have to let go of someone you wished you had gripped harder or softer. You have to accept what you can’t make right. That’s your only chance."
That breaks my heart because it is so true. There is one friendship that was shattered by a 30 minute conversation and some twisting of words by a third party that to this day makes my eyes fill with tears at the thought of the loss. Letting go is the hardest thing to do...and, though I profess to live without regret (and am successful 99.9% of the time)--if I could take back those words...or sit down with NCG for 10 minutes and make her understand, maybe the small emptiness I feel from time to time would finally go away.
kris, i know, i know. i wrote this piece as lightly as i could--divine justice and all--but the acceptance of what won't be is so sad. with this kind of loss i think you always keep a little corner of hope that maybe someday something will change, or a chance encounter....
ReplyDeleteone of the best parts of writing is knowing that someone else understands. thanks for that.
Wow, KJ -- these two pieces are amazing. Your description of the type of person Willa was left me wanting to read it over and over and over. I finished feeling like I had lost someone dear, too, and I never met her. Thank you ...
ReplyDeleteAnd I *love* the thought of gratitude skipping around our ankles as we eat ice cream!! And the holding on tightly combined with holding on gently in order to recover a loss -- which would have saved it ... we'll never know. And this:
"You have to accept what you can’t make right. That’s your only chance."
How true ... and how very difficult!
Thank you for these gems ...
xox