Wednesday, July 14, 2010

To Be a Lesbian

It is nightfall and a dozen people are sitting in front of the Magic Cottage, drinks all around on a makeshift table decorated with a red and yellow flowered tablecloth from the ‘50’s and several small vases of all-colored zinnias. JB’s first annual yard-art party is winding down and in a now quiet evening we are all winding down too, along with Jess and Mike and some of their mutual friends, including Jess’ best friend J.
I can’t remember the prompt, but at one point Jess smiles at J, who is pleasantly impaired from a full day of summertime wine.
“If I were a lesbian, J,” Jess says, “I would want it to be you.”
J blushes, smiles back. It is a tender moment between friends.
My son-in-law, who is also loose from the wheel barrel of beer and ice nearby, chuckles in mock dismay.
“Hey!” he says. “Cut that out!”
I cherish this memory. It is starkly different from the junior high school days when I would find our birthday and anniversary cards face down on the mantel, Jess afraid that her friends would see them and figure out that her Mother was a lesbian.
JB and I have been together 25 years. We were officially ‘married’ four years ago, when the state of Massachusetts enacted an historic law recognizing gay marriage. I didn’t think the freedom to marry would affect me as deeply as it did. Something monumental shifted that morning for both of us, at the Post Office Café in Provincetown, when we exchanged vows and walked the beach later, our hands clasped together, securely, swinging freely in the wind.
When I first fell in love with a woman—a brilliant African American woman who was both aloof and tender, I was barely 30 and building a business and being gay was not an attribute. I did not acknowledge our relationship until it fell apart, after three years, and it fell apart in large part because I was unable to publicly acknowledge the love we had for one another.
I was married to my ex-husband for twelve years before that. Together we are the proud beneficiaries of the most wonderful daughter. Our marriage cracked before my interest in women became clear and even today I can’t say I have no interest in men, because sometimes I do. I don’t know if everyone who knows me would agree, but most often people I meet do not know I am a lesbian until I tell them, a fact among many I now share freely if asked or when there is a reason.
Four years ago I met a woman, initially through blogging, and she and I loved one another from the beginning. Our relationship was intimate and intense, spanning two and a half years and hours upon hours of daily phone calls, emails, letters, colors, words. We had occasional actual time together, mostly at my insistence. She met my family, my friends, I met hers, we laughed, we argued, we shared, we struggled. Even so, I believed that we would love one another throughout our lives, that we would and could land that love softly, without injury to ourselves, to our partners, to the people we loved.
We ended badly—one of us callous and one of us pathetic. I’ve been told about and have read her proclamations and descriptions of our relationship as dysfunctional, me as a bully and a stalker, the time we were together as 'toxic ooze'. I knew it was best not to acknowledge, not to respond. It was enough that I was writing about my own personal wounds and confused emotions. But I couldn’t bring myself to speak badly of her, to push back or correct the facts.
I’ve recently become aware that part of my silence has been because I’ve wanted to protect her privacy. That began to change when I was shown an email she had written about me, referring to me by name, with great disdain, outlining a tale so far from my experience, my memory, my truth, that I began to realize that the vilification of what was real and who I am might have spread further and more harmfully than I thought possible.
So now, there is a part of the record I now wish to set straight. It is this:
We loved one another. It was mutual. It was reciprocal. It was consensual. There was a reality, and no relabeling or recrafting will change that. There was confusion and recklessness, but really, honestly, in my heart, it was nobody’s fault.
Being gay or lesbian is not easy. Even today. There are social, cultural, religious norms and expectations that can still encourage shades on the windows and denials in dark corners. It is not easy to change the beliefs of an upbringing. But shame is not my issue, fortunately, and even through this JB and I have been protected by our enduring love for one another and by the diversity and range of people who generally share our values and views on equal rights. But every so often something occurs that startles me, wakes me up from a comfortable life that I now take for granted.
Recently I’ve had occasion to wonder if my being a lesbian ever creates discomfort among any of my blog friends, specifically around comments I may leave them, about how I may express myself, or about what may have been said about me. It’s not in my constitution to hold back affection and love, and until now I haven’t given a second thought to expressing either to so many special people I care deeply about.
Now there is another record I wish to set straight. It is this:
Being a lesbian does not mean I have a physical/sexual/sensual interest in my friends. I don’t. The relationship I’ve described above never did start with just friendship. And except for a night of intoxicated impulsivity a hundred years ago, I have never crossed a line from friend to more-than-friend. I have no interest in that what so ever. So please, if anything I do or say makes you uncomfortable, I have been oblivious to that fact and truthfully, and I want to know.
There was a time in my earlier life when I was embarrassed to be a lesbian. I felt awkward, sometimes even.‘less than.’ I don’t wish to feel that way again and if I can help it, I won’t let that happen to me. I don’t want to worry about a comment or email written about me or that I share with someone I care about because I’m afraid my intention may be misinterpreted. I hate the horrible effects and aftermath of shame to a woman I trusted and loved, who I believe trusted and loved me too, and while I wish I could shrug it off and move on, the truth is I’m sorry that anyone who loved me had and has to ever feel that way. I'm sorry when someone cannot allow themselves to be who they are.
I’m sorry for that, but I will no longer let myself and what was true be misrepresented. I won't be so quiet any more. If challenges and corrections of the truth are needed, I will provide them. As of now, that is my decision and that is my honor.
Thank you for taking the time.


  1. I'm first! And I'm going to publish it now, in case my long-winded real comment takes too long. Back in a minute.

  2. Okay, first - may I be blunt? - she was fucked up from the beginning. Anyone, straight or gay, who was a recipient of her right wing anti-woman rantings knew that. A woman who could have a sexual relationship with another woman and yet still be opposed to gay rights? That's messed up.

    Secondly, flirtation is fun. It doesn't have to mean much more than a liking for the person or an easy relationship. Back in my director days at the community health center my office manager and I had this interaction after she leaned across me to get something:
    Her: "Oh, sorry I just crushed you with my boobs."
    Me: "That's okay, I kind of liked it."
    Her: "Well, I could do it again sometime if you want."
    Me: "Sure, any time."
    Her boyfriend (who was looking a little hot and bothered at this point): "Okay, that's enough!"

    Is there anything wrong with joking around? (Yeah, I know, it was a work setting, but we were also friends.)

    And thirdly, male or female, straight or gay, I will take any compliment anyone wants to throw at me. I relish them. Unless it's clearly an aggressive move (as it is with some men), I just say thank you. Ditto for expressions of affection from my friends. I love my friends and I don't make a distinction based on gender or orientation - I want all my friends to know how much I care about them and I want to know they care about me. Love is a good thing. Often it's the only thing.

    Finally, she was fucked up. Seriously.

  3. I was waiting for the day when you would reach that proverbial edge and wonder who was going to be there to catch you as you fell.

    We all are.

    Your friends and family and the ones who love you regardless.

    I know these past couple of years have been your lowest, but I can tell you I have seen your new wings sprouting for a while now. The same wings that will let you soar above the pain and fly free from the edge of this cliff forever.

    I think this is a wonderful, gentle, well-written post from your heart KJ. I would have expected nothing less ;)

    I love you girlfriend~


  4. What can I (as a newbie friend) say - except to echo "Secret Agent" and Lo......what they have said is true....we all ARE HERE to catch you, support you and love you as you regain your strength and power to go FORWARD.....and go on.

    You are a precious being.....NEVER forget that. You deserve far more han a broken heart....


    ♥ Robin

  5. My sweet, generous, big-hearted and sensitive friend - I love you just the way you are.

    I am so sorry that you have been hurt by rudeness, ignorance and plain meanness. But I am so glad that you have found love and a soft, safe place to lay your head with your darling JB. And that you have been able to make a formal commitment by getting married! (YAY!)

    I never had the misfortune of knowing this person who hurt you so. I'm just terribly sorry your heart still aches from her cruelty.

    You are my friend, and that's all that matters to me. Who you love is completely up to you and doesn't enter into it. Real and enduring love is so rare and so special, I'm just so glad you have found it in JB.

    I hope you and JB have a terrific weekend. (My baby boy turns 19 tomorrow!)

    Love and hugs,

  6. you certainly don't scare me!!! More later....

  7. Sorry....bad typing earlier.... just was a difficult morning....we'll talk later.... and one thing I REALLY will get through this... you WILL!


    ♥ Robin ♥

  8. My first thought was WOW, i wish i was reading this on the front page of the L.A.Times. You have so eloquently put into words not only what it means to be lesbian but also what it feels like to be hurt and betrayed. I feel like it would add tremendously to more understanding in the world.

    I think most everyone can relate to some parts of this kj. And it think i'm understanding the part that hurts the worst is the untruths and unkindness.

    We all want our truth to be known, and to protect the ones we love, starting with ourselves. I am the same as you, wanting to take the high road, keeping the proverbial chin up (and trying to set a good example to my children, talking about my own divorce now). But sometimes in the case of a particularly vindictive person (i'm reading this from you, i don't know her) it becomes soul saving to say your own truth.

    Bravo to you kj. I think this was a brave and especially self loving thing to do. I hope it wasn't too hard, and now i really hope your glad you wrote this.

    My husband thinks everyone is hitting on me (haha, giant eyeroll)


  9. I am rushed for time, and this computer is crazy, but I had to come see you and then when I read this I had to tell you that I would love you even if you were a little green being from outer space. I don't care who you love, love is love. I may even be a lesbian myself, who knows :-). I certainly don't, life is crazy and like I say, love is love. As for that awful woman that you were with, she is not worthy of cleaning your shoes.
    I must run, though I have much more to say!
    Love and hugs,

  10. KJ,
    I'm going to be blunt too. I think you give her your power. There it is,,,and strictly my opinion.
    Someone can only hurt us for this length of time if we allow them to.
    You are much bigger and larger in mind and spirit than the small person who attacked you and hurt you. Let it go. She is not worthy of your time. If you hang onto this hurt, she has the power. YOUR power. It only bothers you, not her.If allowed, it can fester and swell into infection.Like a boil on your soul.

    As for who's supporting you? I echo every word that Angela wrote. She said it better than I could.
    "We love you just the way you are".

    (and I'm not scared of you either)

    Strange,,word verification is: 'trustorn'. Now how weird is that?
    But you have trust in many many other people, and they in you. You didn't and don't need the grief of the one who betrayed you.

  11. Hi kj... this is very beautifully written piece. It is easy to read as it flows from your heart as it is your truth.

    I'm pleased you shared this with us as from my perspective it gives me a much better understanding of your experience of a broken heart and gives us all an opportunity to share our love for you with you.

    I'm sorry that you have been carrying the pain of a broken heart, but I know by your writings that it is leaving you and in its place you are finding new love.
    When relationships end there's always suffering and always wisdom waiting in the shadows.

    big love to you and thank you for all that you share and sometimes it's okay to just say... I am hurting and it is fucked up :)

    and whenever i say fuck in blogland i think of our much loved renee and that's a good thing ;)
    xx robyn

  12. ps... i've just read Babs comment and i also agree with what she is sharing.
    hurt is not just something out there that comes to us.... it comes from within - how we choose to respond to a situation governs our emotions.

    it can be bloody tough to be human eh? xxx

  13. another ps... if you get the chance pop over and view the free hugs video as i know it will make your heart sing.


  14. Didnt anyone tell you kj?
    You are perfectly imperfect and completely lovable just the way you are.
    I have heard nothing but love when people speak of you and if I heard anything to the contrary I would just smile. I only believe what I am told by the person directly involved, I dedicate zero time to gossip and innuendo.
    This friend from your past, is merely that, a piece of the puzzle of your past, and if you didnt have the piece that was her, your puzzle, your picture, would be incomplete. All the little pieces, the good the bad and the ugly, they all come together and slot into each other perfectly to create this creation that is you.
    The only way to disperse anger and bitterness from your mind, from your heart, is to practice loving kindness. It is the only thing that can surpass the negative emotions and in order to do that you need to practice, be mindful, in thought and word.
    You could perhaps begin by saying to yourself, I AM SAFE, and breath very deeply into your belly whenever you begin to feel stressed by this past situation, or thoughts of her. It is really a very helpful meditation. Because underlying all of our negative thoughts is FEAR. To remind yourself that you are safe is very potent.
    You are loved.
    Your truth speaks loudly and clearly and you have never offended me, you are a true friend to all.
    love me

  15. There is something seriously odd going on with my PC. Sorry KJ, I started writing a response yesterday which I then lost. And then I tried to retrieve this post on your blog and Blogger said it wasn't here any more! For an engineer I am seriously woeful as a techie. OK ... enough waffle ...

    There is this, KJ you are a warm sincere woman who doesn't hold back. And why should you? Isn't it that very quality that defines so much of who you are, and so draws people towards you, wanting to know more of you?

    And then there's this ... "I’ve recently become aware that part of my silence has been because I’ve wanted to protect her privacy"

    See, that so typifies the person you are. It is admirable to do as you did and refrain for so long. But it is just intolerable to have a reality twisted so. History is not re-invented just because we change the words used.

    At the same time, my heart aches over the hurt in yours. I am glad you have the enduring love of JB and your many friends to sustain you.

    When people twist a reality they hurt themselves in ways they cannot begin to imagine. I suppose that time might yet untwist it again, but really that is not your concern.

    You have your honour. I for one am honoured to know you, even just a little bit.

    More hugs. xx Jos

  16. I don't know if you feel i know you well enough to comment in much depth here, but let me say i am happy to learn that you are and have been happily married to another woman for 25 yrs, and that you kids can now be comfortable with that. obviously i see from reading the long list of comments you have a good following of like minded folks, who like, love and care about you..............
    I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE YOU CAN SIMPLY AT THIS POint in time merely consider the source and leave that negative stuff in the past. if you are not reading it, listening to it, it's no longer there so it can no longer hurt my humble opinion...
    hoping you can cut the tie and let it fly away forever more...
    good luck.

  17. dear cs, thank you for your support,your vision, and for remembering the past! you won't be surprised to hear of a revised and surprising rehabilitation to kind and generous. i know time will uncover. xoxo

    dear lo, thank you always for assuring my parachute. your own opinion and observations have helped me so much. i think i can fly, finally, my wings wider and wiser. i love you too, girlfriend.

    robin, ♥ heed these comments, my dear friend!!

    angela, my most wonderful friend: when i wrote this, i frankly did not expect that my heart would be exposed as broken and vulnerable. i thought i am finally showing my strength and unwillingness to passively allow untruths. but leave it to my friends: i am exposed because i am the recipient of love and caring. you can be sure i will continue to be my mushy self with you, my twinkly twin, because i love you!!

  18. mim, BOOOOOOOO! hahaha, i love you mim.

    ah lori, thank you very much. yes, this was very hard to write, harder still to push the publish button. but it became time for me to be clear headed and dogged about what is true and what isn''s no longer just sadness, there is anger too. you're right that it is about the unkindness and betrayal. and about anyone real or imagined hitting on you; heeheehaha! make sure chuck knows i'm just gratefully delighted for the honor and total delight of your friendship!♥

    sweet sweet annie, how special to hear from you in the middle of your trip. thank you. your comfort gave me comfort, but it also gave me giggles. :)

    babs, how many times i've asked myself WHY i've held on to this. i HOPE going 'public' in this post is the beginning of experiencing it differently. that is why i've shared it. it's time. i think i am tougher than my words may appear. thank you, dear friend, for being blunt! i am quite grateful. i think you rock! ♥

    robyn,you are so damn wise! i always wonder what you will say, how you see things. and i love that you said FUCK. yup. sometimes things are just FUCKED UP!

  19. my sweetsweetmango, funny,i thought of you today while i was writing this and i thought,' hope michelle sees this.' thank you so much for taking the time to boost me up and on. of course you are right. i will follow the meditation. but hey! i think i've been practicing loving kindness for actually too long now. i think it might be time to kick ass! ♥

    jos, guess what? i posted this last night but pulled it back into edit because i wasn't ready. that is no doubt what confused you when you tried to comment. jos, thank you for your very kind words about me. the honor in knowing you is mine. i am so damn glad I am clear about what is true and what isn't. robyn is so right, isn't she: it can be bloody tough to be human! ps. now if i can get it together, so can you. walk with me, jos. xo

    lynn, of course your comments are so appreciated. 'consider the source.' i know. thank you for simplying what is best for me. you are totally right and i thank you very much. ps.lynn, JB asked lo and me for your blog address. she is a fiber artist too. she was very excited to see your work at lo's. xoxo

  20. It's kinda cool being late to this particular party. I get to come in on the part where I get lovely comments and hearts from you at my blog that I appreciate so much, but I am really clueless as to the happenings that played out here at your blog (?). Must have been fascinating to watch play out from the sidebars; more than that, having been an observer the way some of your readers were (?) must have been gut-wrenching as well. Personally, I think I would have detested the broad but since I'm trying to be as much peace-and-light as possible these days (it is hard some days) I just won't give her the time of day. May you not give her the time of day as soon as you clean her clock, metaphorically speaking of course. ;)

  21. My dear, one of the things I could never forget for as long as I live its a simple country saying that goes like this "do not try to teach a pig how to sing. They do not understand harmony and in the end, it would annoyed the pig" or in this case, history re-writing would be the equivalent of being annoyed.

    It sounds like armchair psychology to say that those who deny their true nature are the ones who protest the loudest about the free expression of those who don't. I have found fascinating for instance the "moral" stand against gays and lesbians by some politicians only to be caught in situation where it was reveal that their "moral" standards were nothing more than red herrings to secure votes. Honesty and self respect be damned. So, where am I going with this? We both know what I am talking about.

    I pity those who live for others outside their own life. They are what they pretend to be, but because it is a pretense, they are not real except to their askew point of view. Sooner or later the facade fades or fall and then the revelation is too hard to accept or to survive. Re-writing history is not part and parcel of telling the truth about what really happened.

    I am truly, honestly sorry for her.
    I often think what would it be like to be on your deathbed and to realize that you don't know who you are. I know in my bones that is never going to happen to you.

    Writing from bed in this sleepless night and wishing you a wonderful, sunny, filled with love weekend.

  22. KJ It certainly does not make a difference to me whether you are a lesbian. It is the person inside you that,Im growing to care about. You do know Renee would say "For FUCK SAKES KJ, Don't waste another second of your life energy on her"

    I have a quote I think is appropreiate here.

    There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters,
    Who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will.
    So don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason why
    They didn’t make it to your future.

  23. Ummm...these are all great comments, ARE loved. And it wouldn't matter if you were a lesbian or a small green toad, to me and not to the others either, by the tone of the comments.And anything I say will already have been said here.

    I'm so proud of you for your courage in posting this, my sweet friend! And I'm so happy to hear you are married...I wish I had been there to dance at your wedding. Some day, perhaps, I'll dance at your anniversary.

    The other lady seems to gain energy from knowing about your pain and sorrow about the ending of that relationship. Don't give her the time of day...let her find energy elsewhere.

    You're transitioning so quickly, my's so obvious. So happy, too, about your daughter accepting you for who you are...that would be the most important thing for me.

    Now you and JB go and have an awesome weekend!!!

  24. my niece was married for about 5 years, and fell in love with a woman friend,so she got divorced and now has a wonderful female partner, they are engaged and will marry in south africa at the end of this year. i have never seen her so happy. my brother has never 'forgiven' her for wrecking his life and wants his 'normal' little girl back- she is 34. the whole issue is just a load of crap. who you love and what you do in the bedroom does not define who you are. the world is so full of real crap, and this is just inasne. i hate bigots, racists, feminists, ageists, and homophobes, so there!!!
    just be who you are kj, that's all that counts for me.

  25. Listen here girlfriend, I could care less what your sexual orientation is - JB and you are the bee's knees.

    That poem about Hope had me worried. I'm so glad you see the bitch for what she is, anger is righteous and cleansing. You are caring and honest and have great friends who stick around because you're worth caring about.

    I LOVE YOU girlfriend and I could also care less about how someone who may not get how women connect in a multitude of ways would react to my saying that. You get it. I get it. JB gets it. Don't ever apoligize for the true and generous love of friendship you spread around the world. It is a gift. I'm just glad I'm lucky enough to be your friend.

    Renee whispered in my ear - she just HAD to have the last word. She knows the woman.... and she is practicing with lightning.


  26. See, I said you'd get tons of support. This is one of those times it's great to be able to say I told you so! ♥

  27. KJ, I learned much about you from this post that I didn't know--and hadn't even wondered about.

    I thought long and hard about homosexual marriage, and eventually decided that I was for it. I suppose it was just one of those things that took some getting used to.

    "Being a lesbian does not mean I have a physical/sexual/sensual interest in my friends."

    I'm sad that you felt the need to explain this, although I can understand why you would. I suppose the nearest I've come to being a member of a group that's discriminated against is due to the fact that I'm from Mississippi (and, more recently, that I'm an atheist). When I moved to Oregon in 1986, my accent was strong, and people would regularly ask, "Where are YOU from," before I had said three sentences--or even three words, at times. They would ask it with such unconcealed disgust. And then there were the ones who would say things like, "People from your part of the country are prejudiced, aren't they?" without recognizing the irony in such a question.

    For awhile, I would join with them in trashing Mississippi because, after all, I had left there because of the grim realities behind some of the hatred that people hold for the state. Yet, I couldn't get away from the fact that, what I am, I am in part because I spent my first 37 years in Mississippi. This meant that in trashing it, I was trashing myself.

    Anyway, my Southern roots and my atheism are what I think about when I think about what it must be like to be a homosexual.

  28. I knew you were a lesbian the first time I came to this blog so no surprises there. Love you for who you are not your sexual orientation. And yes, you were hurt and maligned I guess but this was a brave and touching post. It's hats off to Janet for me for being there for you through all this, God knows how she must have felt but kj, you have each other, you have us, friends real and virtual and a soul to envy frankly. You are living the life you chose and now your daughter loves you for it. You're blessed and I love you too. There. Take that from the crusty marshmallow, I'm getting sappy in my old age!

  29. lydia, you made me laugh. you are so refreshing! and you can expect lovely ♥'s and comments from me anytime!

    allegra, i wondered what you would say. this is what struck me most:

    "I pity those who live for others outside their own life. They are what they pretend to be, but because it is a pretense, they are not real except to their askew point of view."

    it's like taking on a different personality for each person you choose to adore. it makes me very sad for all involved, but of course it's time for me to just know what is real and let it be. thank you for all the months of your support and wisdom. that you have your own story here has been an incredible comfort to me. i so understand why renee loved and cherished you so very much.

    camille, HAHAHA! thank you SO MUCH for saying 'OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" that is exactly what renee said to me, more than once!! this quote is wonderful. and camille, thank you so much for filling a spot that renee left. it is so wonderful to know you, her sister. xoxo

  30. marion, yes, this was hard to write. i weighed and weighed whether i should post it at all. but i'm glad i did. i;m sensitive, but i can be tough too! sometimes i think people don't know that about me. i only 'lose it' once or twice a year, but when i do, it's no fooling around. this was one of those times. you are my dearest friend, marion. i'm glad you know that. ♥

    joss! THIS is the joss i so love and admire! No bullshit!! i am glad to see this part of you back. please keep it up! you are a precious wonderful woman. and a good aunt. and a good friend. ♥

    linda, what a comment! thank you as always, so much. i always look for and appreciate what you have to say. together strong, right?!
    now starting writing, girl. i want to see some writing on your own blog. ps i love you too xoxo

  31. Hey kj! I don't care one twit that you are a lesbian. Makes me no never mind at all. :) Love is hard to find, enduring love even harder. Congrats to you and JB on being together and loving each other for so long. You have so many loving friends here, kj. That has to help. :) Take care of you, and try and forget about the Ugly Demons of the past (I know, easier said than done). xox!! Pam

  32. barbara, hugs back... xoxo

    snow, i wanted to explain it because i left what i thought was an innocous comment on a woman's blog who i like very much, and she reacted to it in a way that startled me. i'm better off being clear and unworried. your own story almost made me laugh, not because it was funny, but because you are so endearing especially when you don't even know it. xoxo

    to my crusty marshmellow hells, well! little did i know i would get an official 'i love you' from one who i have also come to love. when i talk about my 'blog friends' to jb and my in person friends here, i always have to mention how much i have come to know and love YOU. and about jb, i could write a book about how this affected her, how she supported and accepted and tried and hung in. even now, she tells me she is sorry i was so hurt, she tells me she thinks i was treated horribly (and she is right). jb and i are loyal and loving to one another, always will be, and even when it's hard, we are not afraid to be ourselves. that is such a blessing. ♥

  33. pam, there is a special quality to new friends. thanks for being that. ♥

  34. "you are so endearing especially when you don't even know it."

    I know, I know. It's enough to make a fellow give up even trying to be sweet when he mostly only achieves it unawares anyway.

  35. snow, do you see my grin?


  36. I personally don't think about your sexual orientation. It is none of my business. But if I ever had questions I know I could come to you and ask you anything. I feel this goes both ways. I am very comfortable with our relationship and do not assume anything.I love you for who and what you are, all of it. It is not my place to make you in my mold.
    Here is to much diversification, it helps us be alive, it helps us grow, and it helps learn to love all. Not just those that agree with us and the things our mind says are proper or right. The other person is right too. I also think that you handled your self very well. Sometimes there is just no point and in the end it all comes out in the wash.
    You are very lucky to have good, deep, and rewarding love in your life, the love a great partner and the love of good friends, blogging and other.

    Love is all there is, everything else is bullshit and not supported by the soul.
    It is a singe sister moment!!
    Because of the gift this person has given you, you are more of what you have the potential to be.
    Bless her. JMHO!

  37. i just came back to see if you were responding to comments and boy are you ever!!! Glad my words fit for you...and wow, thrilled that your partner liked my fiber art...and from such a tiny example at Lo's. Wow! Thank her for me please.;-)))) Now, where do i see HER artwork?

  38. KJ said: "snow, do you see my grin?"

    Sí señora.

  39. Well I picked an interesting day to read the blogs!

    The world is indeed a strange place. I sometimes think the notion that lesbians are lusting after all the straight girls is really some sort of narcissistic erotic drivel. The same women probably think that all MEN lust after them too.

    Hmmmm-what a coincidence the party in question is a bit of a narcissist....or IS IT?

    Anyone older than late teens who can't take responsibility for their own sexual choices ought to be banned from humanity...wait, that is a bit harsh....ought to be banned from talking about it or complaining or blaming. That alone would cut down on enough bullshit festering in the universe to completely reverse global warming in less than three years.

    YOU my pet, are banned immediately from brooding about said bullshit any longer, upon pain of Al Gore producing a documentary entitled "KJ contributes to Global Warming".

    Is it ok to say shit on your comments-I don't think said F### and I didn't call said party on single bad word-directly. I try to be somewhat classy.


  40. I have read your honest post, Karen. Thank you, I know this was a tough job for you. I sincerely hope that writing all down will help you in getting over it.
    In the reactions I see that you have a pack of good and understanding friends. A reason to be very thankful, I think. About you being lesbian: you are simply my American blogfriend Karen and that is enough for me.

  41. professor marie, thank you for a thoughtful and wise comment here. not everyone will say i've handled myself well (!) but i've made the effort to do just that. as for being thankful the the gifts, i reluctantly but definitely agree with you. 'soft friends protect you and hard friends teach you to protect yourself.' xxooox

    lynn, hello again! ah, to see jb's artwork. that is a bit of a challenge. i'll do my best to get some posted. she is a private girl! but don't be surprised to hear from her! xo

    snow, good! (spoken in seven languages, i know i should have looked them all up..) :)

    aw, debra kay, where the hell have you been?! it's a good thing i remember your words so clearly from october! really, it is so nice to see a comment from you. i miss you, friend. more more please when the time is right ♥

    wieneke, i know you know and now you know. and thank you for this wonderful comment. you and i have been friends a long time. i love that we manage to maintain our connection to one another. ♥

  42. Well, my goodness, kj (little letters please:-) I guess you DID get feedback from your post. Thank you for reading it to me today, and after reading these comments there are so many aligned with our discussion. You do have lovely, caring friends. However, Allegra said just what I was saying to you today about the louder you yell, the more you have to hide...She (no, not Allegra) has been very noisy at your expense (trying to save herself). I think you are beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I will be glad to see you emerge, whole and happy.

  43. anonymous, you are a dear for leaving me this comment. it means ALOT. thank you for listening to it today, thank you for choosing me as your friend, thank you for making me laugh, thank you for indian buffets and thank you for noticing none of the women smile.

    twenty minutes at a time, as long as you can hear the keyboard...

  44. Beautiful post KJ!
    Friendship is a package not a part.
    I love you because of what you share, what you say.....for who you are.
    Being lesbian and not holding back is part of who you are. yeah I love the whole package ;)


  45. I read this when you posted and didn't have time to comment, so I've come back and I'm glad to read all the responses here now too! I read your post with great interest, thinking it was brave of you to be really open and honest (though actually, you seem to do that quite often!)You've hinted at that heartbreaking realtionship in other posts - I hope this has been a true catharsis. I ♥ kj!

  46. 25 years to be in love...please let that take all the hurt away.

  47. marianne, the feeling is likewise and ditto ♥

    caroline, i don't know if this was a catharis but i finally opened a door and let the air in and that is good for alot of reasons, even some beyond myself. i do seem to spill out my own innards sometimes, don't i? it's funny because i think i'm very private, but THIS needed to be said. i knew that, i am relieved i finally found the words. thank you, caroline, for just being you! xoxo

    teri, gulp. how much in so few words. thank you very much. xoox

  48. Mom outed herself before a live audience of predominately republican conservative Christians on the BEST THANKSGIVING DAY EVER.

    I'm *still* writing the story.

    (Aunt Robin followed suit and announced she too was bisexual.It was straight off of Roseanne-oh how I adore the women in my family!)

    Not to be left out, I solemnly announced that if soulful KD Lang ever sang "Constant Craving" right to me I would leave Cowboy in an instant.

    Who cares who loves who as long as there is mutual respect and understanding?

    I work with lots of "underserved" populations-drives me crazy that no one else has figured out that "underserved" really means people with convictions, and strength, and compassion.

    I do like that we're growing-in numbers and "added" I & A -I being "intersex" and A being "allies".

    (I heard feminist is a bad word!)

    Just saying.

    Love to you-and I dont know why, but I read this as a triumphant declaration of freedom, more, than sorrow...either way, I love you too.
    PS Oh yeah and can we please stop saying oh in college i "experimented"...that makes it sound like a science project.

    Soapbox disengaged.
    PSS Hi Emily!!!

  49. Dear kj, i Love you and i would Love you in whatever human package you chose in this or any other Life <3