Sunday, July 18, 2010

Letters

It's a new day.
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Thank you to everyone who read, commented, supported, and maybe even puzzled over my last post. It was important to do, it's done, and I'm moving on. I'm living full up these days and the universe here is such a large part of how and why. Thank you.
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This weekend was the final clean up of my Mother's house. She and my Dad lived there for 56 years. It's been some experience sorting through their possessions. I found this flyer with the cards and letters my Mom had saved. I've heard her mention this man named 'Arthur' before but until now I didn't really get who he was.
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And since I'm at least indirectly on the subject of 'letters' and recently more directly on the subject of endings, here's something from my brother this morning. I think these goodbye letters might offer you a laugh or two.

And I'm quite happy to provide even the smallest reason for a laugh or two.

Love always,

kj

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've
been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit
your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't
love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia
together!
Have a great life!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I
have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what
you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came
to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to
say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you
cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER,
because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister
had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I
hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to
Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason,
I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take
care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

10 comments:

  1. Ha ha ha ha ha! Okay, I really needed that one.

    (word verifaication: mater. The local pronunciation of tomato.

    ReplyDelete
  2. hello my second favourite lesbian (niece comes first).lol. 25 ? easy peasy. lemon squeezy- so here goes:
    *running naked on a beach
    *raindrops on the roof when i am snug in bed
    * new daffodils in the spring
    * reading your posts
    *doing my art
    * my hubby
    * my sons
    *maggie munchkin
    *teaching
    *south africa
    * cape town
    *beaches on an overcast slightly windy day
    * waking up in a relaxed mood
    * feeling sexy
    *feeling sexy and then having sex
    *my doggies snuffs
    * fridays at school
    *having breakfast in my jimmy jams, knowing I don't have to go to work
    *trees that bend in the breeze
    *blossoms outside my window
    *watching clouds
    *wading in the sea
    * sitting quietly by a cool lake
    *watching mother ducks with their babies
    *seeing puppies being born
    * seeing the kids' faces light up when I walk into a classroom
    *telling a really filthy joke and seeing the surprise on people's faces
    *watching people's faces when I say I have been married three times, twice to the same man
    * realizing that my depression is lifitng
    (and that's more than 25)...now it's your turn!
    so, let's talk...
    what about a ping pong word exchange between you and me? you game?
    okay--- if you are--- when you have done your 25 things you love, here's your challenge:
    what 10 things stop you from moving forward?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have some catching up to do!!! So sorry! It's been tough managing my regular blog and starting this new art one of mine! Thank you for your faithfulness and frienship. Love you! Hugs! Soph :)

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  4. great laughs here today...thanks for the chuckles!!!

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  5. Oh so funny.

    It must be a big relief to have the sorting done. I can only imagine. It still amazes me to think of living somewhere, with someone for 56 years. And to be happy, what a blessing.

    My word veri is bickle, i think that is what the 2 letter writers are doing!
    xo
    lori

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi there!

    Shortstorybook.net is organizing a short story writing contest.

    We do think that you too might have a marvelous story to tell, one that is your own! So if you can compose it in not more than few words, we would want to hear from you. Also, you stand a chance to get your story published on our site and win cash prize of USD 100.

    “Then what are you waiting for? …put on your thinking cap and get writing. For registration and other information check - http://bit.ly/short-story-contest-2010

    Happy writing!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Whahahaha!!! These things are the best way to begin the day with. I have put an English story about a monastery on my blog, KJ.
    Look here:

    http://hettweededeel.blogspot.com/2010/07/de-mop-met-de-fout.html

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love the flyer that your mom kept. It gives me an inkling of who you got your humor from. :)

    But because I am a card-carrying prude, I cannot comment on your brother's letters. LOL!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. lordy, lordy,,,,,this was a great post to start my day,,,,got my tickle box primed!

    ReplyDelete