The Return of Emily Rabbit......

artwork by Ces on her notecards with her little Bic pen

Well, I, Emily Rabbit, have agreed to try to write on kj's blog again. I am being paid $10.00 but if anybody is mean to me I am going to charge $ 15.00. I am a little rabbit and there is no reason to be mean to me. You should be nice even though I might not be nice back to you.

I wrote kj's friend Ces and whoever Isabella is a letter asking if they wanted to be friends. I don't think they do but I think they agreed to try. I'm not really sure. Ces drew these pictures after Isabella said that I stole her shoes and her towel and that is absolutely not true. It was not my fault that I had to borrow her shoe to carry my jelly beans to the kitchen and then I had to use her towel to make a tent in the back yard because it rained.

kj told me I can write what I want but I am still not allowed to use any"F" or "S" words. That is fine with me because if anybody is mean to me I am going to send them rabbit pellets from the yard and tell them it is mocha candy.

I hope that my friend Pieterbie says hello to me. He was very nice to me when a certain woman who is an artist and kj's friend told me I was not allowed to cry, plus she and Mr. Cream mentioned rabbit stew and that was very mean. I cried and then I threw jelly beans and dishes on the patio. I did not get punished because even kj said no one should talk about rabbit stew in front of me. I do not think any one should eat it either.

Here is a story that happened to me a few years ago. If you like it you could send me some extra money. If you don't like it, you could pretend you like it even if you don't send money.

I drove JB's new car. It was a white Honda Civic with the letter "H" on the steering wheel. JB says that is where the airbags are stored, but I think the "H" on the steering wheel means HAIRBAGS, not airbags.

I was driving JB's car and a policeman stopped me. I was afraid he would arrest me because I did not have have a license and rabbits are not supposed to drive. So I told him my name was Emily Hairbags.

He said, "Ms. Hairbags, you were driving erotically."

JB told me later he meant erratically.

He said, "Be careful, okay Ms. Hairbags?"

I said, "Certainly Officer".

The End.

P.S. kj is away and maybe she will write stories next week and maybe she won't. I am still discussing how much she will pay me if I write for her. kj is not that generous, so I'm not sure what will happen.

Sincerely,

E. Rabbit

Questions and Answers

My blog pal and ever versatile artist Andrea has kindly asked me five questions about myself. If you like this idea and would like me to ask five questions of you, let me know and I will send them to at least the first three people who respond, by way of email or blog comments.

Here are Andrea's fine questions and my honest if uninspiring answers:

From your blog and writing it’s very clear that you’re a total people person. When were you first aware of your ability to connect with people and did it affect your decision to be a therapist?

I genuinely like most people and that makes it easy to care about their lives. Although I grew up in a working class neighborhood, I've always been able to relate to people from all kinds of backgrounds. Even in first grade, I remember noticing differences and being drawn to what makes people unique and interesting.

I fell into counseling. I trained to be a high school English teacher. That changed when I followed my then-husband to Germany, where he was an American G.I., and I landed a job as a Counselor in an Army Education Center. I loved it from the first moment. I'm a good listener, I can size up people and situations pretty quickly, I'm tenacious, and I know how to find or create resources. I use to call these the 3 C's: caring, competence, creativity. All that makes a huge difference when you're trying to help someone. Although I see myself as a counselor, much of my career has also been as a self employed business owner--first with my own counseling and case management business and more recently in a variety of small business enterprises. Both have given me a good balance in the ways of the world.

Do you have a favourite (geographical) place? Where and why?

The beach on the bay in Provincetown Massachusetts. I have walked that beach in good times and bad, dreaming and scheming and building and rebuilding my life. Provincetown sits on the tip of Cape Cod at the ocean's edge, home to known and unknown artists and writers of all kinds, and for hundreds of years the town has somehow managed to accept people as they are. Plus the light on outer Cape Cod is like no where else.

If you had it to do over again, would you give full-time freelance writing a chance earlier in your life?

Hmmm, the short answer is yes. But I wouldn't trade all the experiences I've had that in one way or another contribute to the writer I am becoming. Sometimes I think I might have finished my graduate work for a PhD in psychology; recently I wondered why I didn't pursue an in MFA in writing, and sometimes I still think about hitting the road to present some of the "happiness" workshops I care so much about. And I wouldn't trade the times I've developed businesses and helped others do that too. All that said, I am a happy passionate writer these days.

Describe your perfect meal.

Easy question. Mexican chicken and cheese enchiladas with topped with verde (green) sauce and lots of cheese, with a side of guacamole.

How did you and jb meet?

I owned an east coast consulting company and had an opening for a Rehab. Counselor. My friend and Regional Director knew JB from her internship at the National Institute for the Deaf (NTID). JB came to Boston from the midwest to interview for the job and got it. We were friends and colleagues for many months. Then one week I took a vacation and to my surprise I called her the second I got back. We met for dinner. Over coffee and dessert and unexpected surprise, we both knew in that moment that we really cared for eachother. The rest was history. A friend of mine agreed to supervise JB until she could find another job, and we've happily been together ever since. By the way, JB will tell you working for me was the worse job she's ever had.

Ok: if you'd like five questions from me, here's how it works:

DIRECTIONS FOR THE INTERVIEW MEME
1. Leave a comment saying, "Interview me." I'm away next week, so it may take awhile, but be patient and you'll hear from me.
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. Please make sure I have your email address; otherwise I'll list the questions on your blog.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Rest and Relaxation

I did something unusual for myself this weekend. Sometimes you know in advance that a certain date or time is going to be difficult--it could be because of a difficult memory, or the anniversary of the dealth or loss of a loved one, or for any other number of reasons. Because this was the case with me this weekend, I took myself to a retreat center for one night. The Kripalu Center offers a come-as-you please assortment of yoga, dancing, chanting, drumming, meditation, nature walks, mini workshops in various health and wellness subjects, massages and body work, and natural healthful vegetarian food. I arrived at 3 pm on Saturday and left at 1 PM on Sunday.

Kripalu is located in the Berkshire Mountains of Western Massachusetts. The building used to be home to the Jesuits, but is now a nationally established Yoga and Healing Arts Center. Many people are there attending a weekend or week-long workshop, but I paid my $ 142.00 and went for some unstructured--and quite anonymous--time for myself. I'm not accustomed to going away by myself and I don't think I've ever before gone 24 hours without talking to another person, but that is what I did. I spent my time writing, thinking, resting, thinking some more, dancing, stretching and breathing. I had a massage. It was all good for me. In the process I achieved and affirmed the acceptance I was seeking.

The Kripalu dining room seats about 300 people. Food is served through a buffet line and is remarkably delicious, especially since it is totally vegetarian. Even the scrambled eggs weren't made from eggs, but they tasted just fine. Everyone is asked to eat breakfast in monk-like silence, a practice I find "sacred" and comforting for some reason. I mixed yogurt with walnuts and raisins and fresh fruit, spread real peanut butter on sesame seed toast, feasted on roasted yams and fish chowder and brown rice with tomato salad, and finished off two pieces of carob chocolate cake with frosting. I went back for seconds and sat in silence, eating slowly and taking it in consciously.

You get your choice of rooms at Kripalu: you can stay on one of 3 floors in a 12-30 bed dormitory or you can pay more and get a small room with two flat surface/thin matress beds. Either way, there are no locks on any of the doors. Each bed comes with a sheet, blanket, pillow, two towels, a small alarm clock, and a goose neck lamp. That's it. I was VERY fortunate to get a lower bunk in a room that had only one other person there. The bed was hard and small. I slept in a nest, felt monk-like, and I didn't mind.

The bathrooms and showers are down the hall. Normally I would hate that, but they were clean and part of the deal. Acceptance. It was good for me.

Throughout the building there are spaces to sit, meditate, relax, think, write. Coffee is available but only begrudgingly--often you have to pay for it in the gift store, walk across the hall to get it and drink it, and the coffee pots are whisked away altogether by late afternoon.

Every floor has meditation, sunrooms and small sitting spaces, most overlooking the lake and the mountains behind it. Voices are low and footsteps are slow. This is a quiet place where you are much more aware of your breathing and movements.

Kripalu has scheduled yoga and meditation classes and times throughout the day. This is one of the main halls. On Saturday night I went to drumming there and danced/moved to my heart's content without concern that someone might be watching (or even worse, judging!) me. On Sunday morning at 6:30 am I went to 90 minutes of baby yoga. It is really called Gentle Yoga--the least demanding of 3 levels offered--but i like the term 'baby yoga'. It's somewhat misleading though: for me it was a workout--I sweated.

I thought I saw my friend Willa several times during my stay. Willa died two years ago, but Kripalu was her kind of place. Among other things, she taught "Opening the Heart" workshops and liked nothing better than this kind of environment. A couple of times I really thought it was her. Even though I have dealt with the tremendous void in losing her, for a few seconds I still thought it was her. Damn. I'd like nothing better than to have her back, even for a hour.

The grounds are spacious. People hike and stroll and take workshops geared to the great outdoors. I however don't. The few times that I've been at Kripalu I stay inside, proud of myself for falling asleep at 9:30 pm and even prouder for getting up with the sun and making it to baby yoga. Someday I will graduate from sitting in a lawn chair to walking the paths, but not this time.

I can't exactly say why spending my weekend this way was such a kind and smart thing for me to do. It was quite uncharacteristic of me. But here are some guesses why I am in a good place:

I was alone but not lonely. I gave myself time to think and feel. I moved. I put myself somewhere where healing and being present are valued and encouraged. I wrote a letter. I wrote a story. I ate healthy food. I prayed. I took breaks. I had a massage. I was anonymous. I had nothing to prove and nowhere to go. I came home relaxed and calm. I made sure I was not stuck or disappointed. I recognized and honored all the love and appreciation and reasons I have to be grateful and content. I'm kind of proud of myself.....

Thursday 13: GRRRRRRR

A few weeks ago I sat down and whined my way through a Thursday 13 that reflected my state of impatience and bitchiness. I had no intention of actually posting it, but it felt good to just let it rip. I wrote out 13 things that irritate me and cause me to either complain or fume. Only because I am currently back to my calmer self , I can admit that most of the following 13 things that bother the hell out of me often begin with my hurt feelings and confused emotions and only after that do they become irritations and sometimes true-blue anger. Today I am not irritated or angry. I am happy and calm--so much so that I've decided to post my earlier bitch session and enjoy every complaining moment of it. I'veupdated my comments and embellishments, but in a nutshell, here's my original post:

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I'm not in a very good mood. I am tired of making the effort to see someone's point of view at the expense of my own. So in the interest of letting off steam and enjoying the luxury of bitching, here are 13 things that irritate the hell out of me.

1. People who show up late and fail to apologize: Maybe I'm late myself sometimes, but come on--why can't you acknowledge that you've kept me waiting and say you're sorry? You can be sure I'm not going to bring up my irritation unless you are a really good friend or special person to me, but I'll make a mental note that you have a character flaw. By the way, your flaw is not being late--it's being thoughlessly rude.

2. Sloppy or shoddy work--I don't care if you're a physician earning $ 300,000 a year or a cashier at the grocery store earning $ 8 an hour: have some damn pride in your work. Don't cut corners because you're lazy or tired and expect me to accept that. Don't act like you could care less and don't blame someone else or say there's nothing you can do to make the situation better. Why can't you just be helpful and polite?! And it's even worse if you aren't awake or conscious enough to even know when your work is sloppy or shoddy.

3. You talk non-stop about yourself and neglect to ask anything about me: Generally I'm a patient person and a good listener. But I have to tell you--after about 20 minutes of hearing about you-you-you, I'm tuning out. Discussions involve more than one person, remember? How about a small inquiry into how I'm doing? Or a small acknowledgement that I am listening and supporting your talk-a-thon?

4. Making plans with me and then changing them to suit yourself: I can be flexible and it's not like my time is always rare and limited, but come on--I've set time aside for you and maybe even I'm excited to see you. When you nonchalantly change plans, or ask me to re-juggle--especially at the last minute--I'd like to think you have a better reason than "Something's come up" or "So-and-so has an extra ticket to the ballgame". Fine. I'll re-classify you. You can be my "who cares--maybe-we'll-find-time-and-maybe-we-won't friend."

5. People who complain about someone to me but then kiss up to them: I try hard enough to avoid gossip, but sometimes I listen and participate because it looks like you need someone to vent to. Ok. That's fine. But if you bitch about Susie's behavior and three hours laterI see you fawning all over her, count me out. I hate hypocrites. Don't waste my time with fair-weather games.

6. Borrowing something and not returning it : Listen, I hate to give up my stuff, but I will if you ask nicely and you need it. However, it's not part of the deal that I have to chase you down or uncomfortably remind you about the $ 20 I lent you or the book or gardent tool you asked to borrow. You borrow it: have the decency to return it before I'm wondering if you ever will.

7. Telling me I am too sensitive or too demanding. You say this, I shut down. End of story.

8. Asking multiple questions when it's obvious I don't know the answers: If you ask me a question, I will tell you what I know. I try to provide the amount of detail I think you want. But with a few people it's never enough. My poor partner JB. She gets alot of flak from me about this. This is how it works:

JB: Did you talk to Jessica today?

Me: Yes. She and Mike are going out to dinner tonight for their anniversary.

JB: Where are they going?

Me: I don't know.

JB: What time are they leaving?

Me: She didn't say. She just told me they were celebrating over dinner.

JB: Whose watching the baby?

Me: Gee, I didn't ask.

JB: Is Janna going with them?

Me: I didn't ask.

JB: Do you think Janna is staying with the baby?

Me: I don't know.

JB: What else did you and Jess talk about?

Me: Oh, she got an award at work?

JB: What kind of award?

Me: She was in a rush. I think it was for exceptional performance.

JB: For something specific or in general?

Me: I don't know.

JB: What did she say?

Me: THAT'S ALL I KNOW!

9. Taking advantage of my good nature and tendency to be kind: Listen, I'm a pretty nice person. I try to be reliable and for most people I care about I'm there in good times and bad. But don't take me for granted, and don't keep asking without giving back. It's about balance. If things get too one-sided, I'm apt to bail.

10.Moodiness--I've talked about this before. I don't want to be told that I'm "too sensitive", but if someone I care about is moody and I don't know why, I will think it's either something I've done or the person doesn't like me. And what's the harm in making an effort to be pleasant, anyway? If you have to be moody, at least paste a phony smile on your face or stay home and go to bed until it passes.

11. Failing to acknowledge an animal's hello-- If my dog approaches you with a sincere wag of the tail or head on your lap, that is a gift. Unless you are genuinely phobic, you should be grateful for any expression of love. If you miss it or push it away, you are a jerk. That's my opinion.

12. Being insensitive and then blaming me for not standing up for myself --Oh come on! You're rude or thoughtless, you overlook my feelings or take advantage of me, and then you tell me I should have said something.? Yes. How does this sound: "You are an a----e." How about you police your own behavior instead of expecting me to?

13. Complaining about the same problems over and over and over and over but not doing anything about them. Just how many weeks or months do you think I should listen to your sorry complaints and miserable lot in life before you either take my advice, follow your own, or accept things the way they are? Some people just love to be victims. Please--find someone else who is more sympathetic than me. I will hang in for quite a while while you learn and grow, but forever? No can do.

Gee. I feel such relief. I had no idea ranting and raving could be so therapeutic. I recommend it. Try it. You might genuinely enjoy unburdening yourself as much as I have....... You might even find yourself smiling..........

Thursday 13: Grrrrrrrrrrr

It's late and I'm tired, but I thought I'd let you know that my now-late but still upcoming and soon to materialize Thursday 13 will impolitely and enthusiastically be about all things that irritate me and try my patience. I don't expect to be tactful or gentle. Instead, I am looking forward to a healthy dose of ranting and complaining. I'm smiling just thinking about the opportunity to talk about things that bug me to no end.

Just so you know......... :)

Colorado

JB and I have just returned from visiting our family in Colorado Springs. This is a beautiful part of America, surrounded everywhere by the Rocky Mountains. The trip takes us almost a day by plane, which of course triggers my distain for public bathrooms and my phobias about managing tickets and licenses and luggage at airports in general. This trip, however, was pretty pleasant. It is always nice to spend time with family you don't get to see often enough.

So this brings me to a mini travel report on Colorado Springs:

1. Here's what it looks like as you're driving to pick up groceries for dinner or going to the dentist. The snowcapped Rocky Mountains are always within view.

2. I'm a fan of the ocean, but can anything be more beautiful than this? The American West is as expansive as its stereotype. Yes, there are strip malls and buildings to close to each other but you always get this sense of magestic wide open space.

3. JB's sister lives in a regular neighborhood subdivision in Colorado Springs--nothing too unique except that deer--plenty of them--also live there. This sight is totally commonplace: sometimes you might see a dozen deer just hanging out or crossing the street. If you're smart, you drive your car attentively and s-l-o-w-l-y.....

4. This is Garden of the Gods. My brother-in-law promised me this one mile walk would only be a quarter mile, but I knew what I was getting into and enjoyed it thoroughly. I wish I could include shots of the dozens of rock climbers we passed all geared and tied up to these formations, but of course I still can't figure out how to change a photo from horizontal to vertical. Suffice to say this is a protected ancient public area and very much Colorado.

5. This is downtown Colorado Springs. Although it is a bona fide city, it has a sleepy small town feel to it. I spent a quick afternoon in a local Starbucks working on our household budget while jb visited her mom, and jb and I spent an afternoon having Mexican food for lunch and then strolling up and the streets and shops.

6. This is a just parking lot at the end of a non-descript street. Wow. Jeez.

7. JB and I had a rare opportunity to snatch a few hours for a mid-day movie matinee. This has always been one of my favorite things to do, and this movie and movie theatre did not disappoint. We saw "The Namesake", a modern flick about a family from India who had acclimated into American life and were trying to "fit" and hold on to their culture and traditions. It was a really good movie--I recommend it.

The theatre itself was awesome. It had a coffee and wine bar with comfortable seating and kind of an art deco meets the wild west decor. And really, isn't it nice to walk into a theatre at 4:00 in the afternoon, savor some buttered popcorn, and feel your eyes adjust to early evening when you finally walk out?

8. For 3 days we loved our time with JB's family, were relieved that her mother would be able to return to her apartment after a stint in rehab, ate good home cooking and my beloved Mexican food, leisurely read the Sunday New York Times, heard about my brother-in-law's return trip to Guatamala, where he was given the key to the city for his work there 37 years ago, caught up with our nephew's life and hopes for the future, and finally, headed home at 5 am on a dark rainy Tuesday morning.

I don't like airports, unless I can be passive and someone else takes care of all the arrangements. JB agreed to do this for me this trip, so I complained less than usual. We had a stop over in Minneapolis for almost 3 hours. I also don't expect much from airports. Minneapolis, however, was quite an exception. The food courts and restaurants and shops and services are top notch. Here is where jb and I had an organic healthy breakfast, I spread out my laptop, I happily chatted with Ces by cell phone and caught up on other calls. This restaurant, whose name I cannot remember!--was really cool. It reminded me, as so many things do, how lucky I am in so many ways. My life has ups and downs and all-arounds, for sure, but I am able to choose people and places that soothe and calm me. That is no small matter.

I'm home now. The sun is shining and the air is no longer frigid. I'm in pretty good shape. I hope you are too.....

The Magic of Words......

Thanks to Ces, Carla, Wieneke, Pieterbie, Singleton, Liz, Homo Escapeons, Menchie, and Valgal for sharing their favorite words. For me this was an awesome colloboration! It was refreshing and renewing to see how thoughtful and hopeful and articulate and observant we good people are. Thank you so much! I hope you have fun reading the results of your words.

Note: As an afterthought, I've highlighted all favorite words, hopeful that doing so is not a distraction, which it may be.... The best thing, I think, is to take a look at the comments from my original post a few entries back.

A visionary sees further than the eye can reach. That is probably the incandescent beauty of how lull-a-byes and fairytales work: you use the borrowed wings of a butterfly to obfuscate any trace of obliquity and instead you obstreperously follow your own breathtaking light.

There are several factors that make the road trip of life happy and healthy and soft and warm and delicious. It helps to take a sweetheart approach—along the way remembering and recognizing that the visual auras of dogs and gardens and chinaware and chocolate by themselves will obdurate anything that works against faith and instead will lead you to the sprightly lovely delicious life you want and deserve. It also helps to remember that children are sacred, like friendship and love, like the way Pieterbie loves Annie.

“Honey”, I purred, “It was perfect”. We both smiled with the secret knowledge of things to share. We look to our Mother and Father and husband and partners and sisters and brothers for a safe warm blessed place where we can whisper our dreams and know that love will bring us peace. I may be obsequious about money but I will happily spend it on darling puppies and swell toys. I know better than to be investigative or lugubrious when my happiness is at stake. When I follow the blessed path of the moon, I will find all the art and honesty and friendship anyone could want. In art, like photography, light is everything. And then—tink!—the glass hurricane that life can be will instead become filled with darling cheer and breathtaking warmth.

This is the life within your reach. This is a neat and tidy sweetheart deal. Grab it now, and let it deliciously lead you, with great alacrity, to a peaceful glass world that lights up your life!

Pad Thai and the Death of Hope

Last Sunday night JB and I met our two good friends, Jack and Jill, both psychologists, at a local Thai restaurant. We recently attended their Seder celebration and in a sense we are becoming “family” to eachother.

The dinner conversation was typically varied, including vacation plans and the anticipation of spring and—not surprising--updates on the normal challenges around our famiies and work and other people who have significant roles in our lives. We began talking about mothers and fathers who for one reason or another were not fully present and/or did not protect their children when they were growing up; about friends who because of upbringing or different styles have different expectations about friendship; and about recognizing and reacting to people who are toxic as opposed lovingly accepting someone simply for who she/he is.

At one point Jill said, “Ah, the death of hope. It can be so helpful.”

That got my full attention. "Are you saying giving up hope is a good thing?", I asked.

Jill didn't hesitate. "I'm saying it can be a very good thing".

Years ago I watched an episode of The Twilight Zone or Outer Limits. I remember it vividly: a group of strangers had each won an all expense paid vacation to a mystery island. When they arrived, it was paradise: beautiful beaches, lush food, every amenity. But then things began to happen: a storm destroyed phone service with the outside world, electricity failed and all the fantastic food was soon spoiled, the help suddenly disappeared. The cooling system failed and they sweltered in the hot sun. The plane to pick them up never came.

This bleak situation extended well past the date they were to return home. After about ten days, they were able to receive a radio signal and communicate they were stranded; a few days later, they sited a small aircraft heading toward them, only to see it crash in the ocean before reaching them. After that, a boat appeared only to disappear without explanation. The phones began working again and they were told help was on the way. They packed up and waited. But noone came. Each time it appeared this group would be rescued and returned home, they were overtaken with excitement, anticipation, relief. But it was always short lived.

For months and years, hopeful signs continued to surface. A note in a bottle. The sound of a plane overhead. Another radio transmission. They never gave up hope because the possibility of rescue seemed within reach for the rest of their lives. As a result, each person clung to that hope and never accepted or adjusted to their lives on that island.

At the end of the show, the viewer learns these folks were actually dead. And they were in hell.

The death of hope. I had never thought of the pain of letting go as a positive healthy helpful event until Jill named it what it really is. Sometimes we just need to move on, to either accept or reject a person or circumstance on the basis of what is real and what is possible, and not on the basis of hope that promises but may not or cannot deliver.

Do you still wish your father would finally unconditionally love you after all these years? Or that your employer will any day recognize your achievements despite the six times you’ve been passed over for promotion? Or perhaps you want your other-wise good friend to remember your birthday just once.

We four friends agreed over Thai food that toxic people—and we and you know who they are-should be avoided at every opportunity--perhaps even permanently. Toxic people only drain and harm you--they can never help or fill you--in these cases, let go and move on as soon as you can.

Then you’re left to get your needs and hopes met a few different ways: You can express those needs and negogiate a 'give and take' compromise in a loving mutual way. You can be patient and gamble that over time things will balance out, and they often do. You can leave the door open a little even as you consider and act on other ways to have your needs met.

And in some cases, you can accept the death of hope. When you finally decide to do that, you will either freely accept and embrace what is, or you won’t . But I think Jill is right. You will have freed yourself from what is not real so you can live with what is real. I resist admitting it sometimes, but accepting truth and reality is better than dreaming and fantasy. At least you know where you stand, and when you know that, you can build from there....

FAVORITE WORDS

This idea came from the Word-Art gallery show I was privileged to participate in with Carla Kurt this weekend. Two women named Margaret Wilson and Barbara Rau, in their own words, "devised an evil and genius plan and emailed everyone they knew, well abunch of people they knew, asking for their favorite words and in fact, inviting them to include a sentence using some or even all of the words. As it turned out, some people who you might actually think are your friends are actually very parsimonious about sharing their favorite words, while others proved to be generous with their floods of words both mundane and magnificent."

Hmmm. Some of my favorite words are generosity, destiny, bulolic, lugubrious, and 'friends with benefits'. These are words I enjoy using and hearing. Generosity makes me feel good about myself, destiny reminds me the world is bigger than my view of it, lugubrious stirs up a sad longing, friends with benefits makes me laugh, bulolic transports me to the country. Words create their own magic.

I like the idea of sharing and pooling words into its own creation. ! I hope you do too! So please join me in the following collective creative cautiously corny collaboration:

1. Share one or more of your favorite words

2.This part is optional: Include a sentence(s) with your favorite word(s) in it.

3. I will do my best to compile the words and sentences into a poem or essay or whatever.

So how about it? Send me your favorite words and let me have a go of it. I'll be checking your comments for the next few days and hopefully, before I head to Colorado next week, we'll have a poem to chuckle over.

Thursday 13 Things I'm Pondering/Things I've Learned the Hard Way

Thursday 13 is late this week because I am muddling through a clueless period of what I want to blog about. So much of what I post is personal and often that is ok, but lately I have been writing and pondering about my hopes and the people I love in a way that I would be wise to screen, and sometimes keep to myself. Also, my writing is changing. I feel as though I have completed basic training and am entering new territory: this makes writing harder for me but it is also all the more exhilarating and rewarding.

So this week's Thursday 13 is another kj mish-mash. And I doubt it will total 13. I'm taking literary license this week. We start with Jess and Mike.

1. They have been married 18 months. Every hope I had for their love for eachother has manifested. At their Friday night wedding, after we all went on a tour of Fenway Park in the drizzle-rain(!), I made a speech. Here's what I said:

"What a treat it is to meet Jess' co-workers from _____, to get to know Mike's family and high school and college buddies, to see the faces of Jess' fantastic friends--some of whom we've just about grown up with ourselves!, to have our own family and friends here with us.

Tonight we are a community in this grand ballroom, and it doesn't get much better than sharing a moment like this with the special people in our lives.

Jess was about 8 months old when she said her first word. We were in the back seat of a friend's car when from nowhere she looked up, pointed to the roof, and clearly said "Light". When I think about who Jess is and who she will always be, there is not a more fitting word than "light". This girl lights up the world.

When Jess was eight, I got a call at work telling me she had had an accident at school and had been taken to the hospital emergency room. I probably drove 90 miles an hour to get to her. I rushed into the ER and there she was--calmly sitting on a guirney, her leg in a cast, proudly displaying a pair of crutches. She held those crutches tightly in front of her, smiled at me, and said, "I've waited my whole life for this...."

Today is another day you wait your whole life for. I can tell you with certainty that Jess has found a guy she clearly and totally loves. Tonight, we're celebrating the power and the wonder of love.

Mike, we welcome you into our family and we are thrilled that Jess is part of your family. We will always do our best to love and support you both. We promise to keep our opinions to ourselves (most of the time) and to call before we visit.

We hope you'll forgive us if we have a temporary lapse and offer advice every so often. Starting tonight...

There are a couple of things I want you to know:

First, protect eachother. Go to bat for one another. Draw a circle around your relationship that provides a resting place and shelters you both from harm's way. No doubt you will sometimes take your frustrations out on eachother, but every day let your actions confirm and reaffirm that no matter what, you will be there for eachother.

Second, keep your feet firmly in the present moment. Avoid getting too caught up in trying to correct the past or plan for the future because when you do that, you can too easily miss the sound of crickets in the grass or the kind gesture of a good friend or a total stranger.

It's important to have and pursue goals, but you should know that the present moment is truly all there is. It can take a lifetime to learn this the hard way, so I hope you guys don't miss too many moments of your life together. Stay present.

Jess and Mike, it is written that when children find true love, parents find true joy. Here's to your love and our joy, from this day forward.

2. He's 13 weeks old. He squints to really see you, he smiles when he does, he reaches for colored rings, and he sits by himself and takes in the world around him. Mr. Ryan is a total doll. I cannot believe I will know and love him for the rest of my life.

3. They haven't yet found their permanent wall-home, but I surely am loving seeing my dearest friend Ces' artwork everyday. What could be better than to have these paintings atop of my favorite books? When JB and moved, I went through every one of my thousands of books and only kept the ones I wanted to read again at some point, or those that carry memories too precious to discard. This photo is what I presently see when I wake up every morning and head for the coffee maker. Bottom line: I am very lucky.

4. Another of my almost famous side shots. I forgot to rotate it when I could. On Wednesday of this week, JB and I went to the wedding of Joey's cousin. It was a beautiful traditional affair, beginning in this Congregational church and ending with oceanside reception complete with dancing and good food. What was different about this wedding, however, was that the happy couple are two women. This was the first time JB and I witnessed the normalcy of such a right: the state of Massachusetts has legalized gay marriage and it showed. I know there are religious and political differences of opinion about this, but I can tell you that the joy and love present on this day confirmed loud and clear that these two loving people deserved to celebrate in this way with their family and friends. Yay to both of them!

5. What really happens when you don't allow your ego or power to be a factor in your relationships? I can tell you I have never ever been more vulnerable. I am trying to be real without pretense, to express what's important to me, including my needs and hopes, and although I am not niave, I am trusting from my heart. It's not always easy, but I recommend it.

6. My father always said "A man who doesn't drink has everything". I would roll my eyes, never associating until years later that he was correctly disapproving of my accumulating wine bottles. Now I don't drink and it's a good thing.

7. Where did those 5 balloons tucked into the bare lilac tree come from on Easter Sunday? I think my father had something to do with it--how he does this from heaven above I cannot say--I'm surprised he's been so imaginative-- but ever since he died impossible flowers and colors seem to appear from nowhere.

8. (An adjunct to # 5) Here's an update on my life with Deep Love: It's still awesome. It's still hard. It's still confusing. It's still the real deal.

9. I am negogiating with Emily Rabbit to be a guest blogger once a week. The first effort did not turn out too well. I am hoping Ces will agree to reassure Emily that it is alright to whine and cry from her stomach. I think that may be a factor in our negogiations.

10 Pieterbie is one of my favorite bloggers. I love the way he expresses himself and how he looks at life.

11. I make quite a few spelling errors in this blog. This is funny because I am a stickler for accuracy and design integrity in letters and materials. I think I often let the spelling go in favor of expediency. If I could do spellcheck on Blogger, it would help.

12. JB will absolutely not let me post her picture. I ask her about once a month. Suffice to say she is a very wonderful beautiful person in every way. Except she's stubborn about her picture on the blogs...

13. I believe I will have a book contract before the year is up. I am a writer. I'm improving. There. I said it!

Not Much Happening....

Not much to say. In the interim, with equal thanks to T.S. Eliot and Sandra Bullock, here's a middle and last stanza of what has turned out to be a pretty long poem--one that's not yet ready to find its way to public expression--called "Hope Floats".

I didn’t know this then, I didn’t.
I thought the things that matter
Were formed strictly in the place
Where roots and unspoken hope
Converge in one cemented spot.

I didn’t know
That we can walk through any promenade—
The ones in little cities and the ones in the Arizona desert--
And we will still find every missing piece
Safely, solemnly, soulfully tucked beneath
Our best intentions.

HAPPY EASTER

Well, Ms. Emily Rabbit has accepted $ 17.50 from a shall-be-nameless benefactor to abandon my blog over the Easter weekend. Discussion about rabbit stew also contributed to her decision. She is presently alternating between throwing pillows and jelly beans across the room to BOO-HOO-HOO-BOO-HOO-ING in a corner of my yard.

It's a feeble substitute, but please accept my best wishes for the Easter Holiday. I will be away for a little bit. I hope the equivalent of a chocolate bunny or a marshmellow chick from someone or somewhere may surprise you this weekend.

Emily Speaks Again

Well, this is the second time I am writing this blog for kj. She is paying me a measley amount of money to do this, which I will spend for jellybeans. But I really want a skateboard. You could send me money and I would put it to good use. You could tell the IRS it was for charity.

I almost said the "F" word because of Mr. Coffee Cream. He was very mean to mention what Glenn Close did to the family pet. It made my lagomorph blood boil (hahahaha).

When I first met JB I didn't speak but I sang silly words and she tried to understand me. One time outside a bookstore she got mad at me for talking too much--I was really singing rabbit opera but she told me I was giving her a headache. I don't know why.

So now I know people language very well and even some big words like lugubrious. I don't talk in front of people I don't know, except once.

If I get ignored for too long I say something as soon as I can. If that doesn't work, I either stamp my feet or whine directly from my stomach. If you don't know how to do that you should learn.

Today I am writingt about money:

1. Snowflake the Beautiful and Pieterbie said rabbits do not need money. That is totally not true. I used kj's computer and went on the World Windy Web (www). I found a place called Jellybeans International and I ordered 12 pounds of mixed colored jellybeans. They asked how I wanted to pay for them and I said, "Just send them and I"ll tell you that later". I am waiting to see if the jellybeans come in the mail.

2. kj and JB work in insurance sometimes. This is how it works: people buy insurance so they won't have to worry in case they get sick and can't work.

Then when they get sick the insurance company tries to find ways not to pay them, so they end up worrying anyway.

Where I live, if you buy a carrot, you get a carrot. Plain and simple. This is why rabbits are actually alot smarter than people.

3. At Christmas I expected big presents. I could not believe JB gave me nickels and dimes. I cried and cried. JB got mad. She said I was not nice.

I told my mother that I was going to ask JB for $ 50.00 so we could be friends again. My mother said, "Emily, nobody should be set for life--it makes them too comfortable and then they get careless. That is too much".

So instead I asked JB for five one dollar bills and she jumped at it. She agreed because we didn't know how else to be friends again.

4. My mother says money is the radish root of all evil. (But so what)

You might be happier if you send me money. If you are interested in some rabbit pellets in return, send extra money for postage and I will send you a supply.

Emily Speaks

Note: Through the Easter weekend, Emily Rabbit will be a guest blogger. She has promised to avoid swear words that begin with "S" or "F". She has also promised not to solicit money. If she should do either of these things, please accept my apologies in advance. Emily is a friend of JB's and does not listen to my advice, instructions, or threats.


My Name is Emily Rabbit. I might be around eight or eleven years old. I have four birthdays--February, April, July, and September or October. I should get four presents but I don't. JB says that animals only have one birthday. How would she know?

It is not easy for a rabbit to be friends with a person. For one thing, neither understands the others interest in, for example, carrots or money.

For another thing, my mother does not think it is a good idea. Sometimes I call my mother and tell her that jb is sick and needs my help. I have to do this because JB refuses to call my mother and lie so I can miss school.

JB is not at all like a rabbit. She is too interested in buying clothes and going to movies and driving a red car with a hole in the roof. I have to find ways to get money from her so I can buy jellybeans. She is presently giving me an allowance every Sunday. If she forgets, I add at least
$ 5.00 in interest. I may tell you more about that later.

kj is paying me $ 10.00 to write on her blog until Sunday, maybe even until Monday (that would be an extra $3.00). Today I will tell you how to be friends:

This is how rabbits are friends.

First they sniff eachother everywhere.

Then they touch noses.

Then they roll down a hill together or run into a green or brown field.

Then sometimes when they get tired, they curl up together and sleep until they wake up.

It's too bad that people are not willing to sniff before they decide to be friends. I think it would solve alot of problems....


If you leave a comment, please do not be rude. You should talk about me, not about yourself. Afterall, I am writing as a favor. I really should be paid more money to do this. If you want to know anything about rabbits, or how to get away with things, you can ask me.

Sincerely,

Emily Rabbit

MS. EMILY RABBIT

(If you look closely you will also see Emily Iguana)

When kj is sad, she gets sick and thinks about money and gardens.

..........

When JB is sad, she pretends she isn't and sleeps for two days.

...........

When Pat is sad, she stays in the house and tries so hard to get better that she gets exhausted.

..........

When I am sad, I whine and cry. I am the smartest about this.

..........

Sincerely,

Emily Rabbit

Thursday 13

This is a hard Thursday 13. I have nothing to write about except my average life in the little city:

1. I've been knocked unconscious twice. The first time I was 13 and a frustrated friend at a pajama party punched me in the nose as I was innocently walking by. The second time I walked into an air conditioning unit in an underground parking garage (don't ask how I managed to do that). In both cases I fell to the ground and was pretty embarassed when I came around.

2. I simply cannot keep track of my earrings. I love earrings and I've had several pairs that are my all time favorite. Even those I lose. Why oh why do I not keep them in one place? This is a question I cannot answer.

3. Having an outside hot tub is the biggest luxury I have ever had. All winter, even when the temperature hovered below zero, jb and I would sit under the stars in perfect and unbelievable warmth. I don't even need the jets, although they're nice enough.

4. I recently had a past lives reading by a woman who is nationally known. My neighbor asked me to go with her--her husband died unexpectedly and she wanted to understand why that had to happen. My reading was blander than I expected, but she did keep stressing that in five past lives I've had to be ultra responsible and as a result i am very competent in the ways of the world but I can be too firm in my beliefs.

5. Following # 4, I want to be less responsible and less firm in life. I am following a path of faith and flexibility these days, and I like it.

6. The opening of the word-art gallery show with Carla is this Saturday night. What an honor for me to have done work with Carla, and what a treat it will be to see my poem splashed across a wall next to her painting.

7. Ryan is now 11 weeks old. I love how he wakes up and it takes him several minutes to process the outside world: he looks at a loving face talking to him and he tries to figure out what he is seeing. Then he makes eye contact, follows intently and is beginning to smile. The process of being a person is a miracle. It again and again tells me that none of this is one bit random.

8. I am saving my customary $ 20 bills and extra cash here and there for a special trip with my pal Ces. So far I have $ 620 and I'll be up to $ 800 once I cash a couple of unexpected checks. This is a great way to save: just stash $ 20 bills away, even once a month--you'll be surprised how quickly they turn into hundreds.

9. I took my mother to the Casino and she won $ 500, then $ 250, and in the end, following a day of putting quarters into these sweet slot machines, she came home with all her original money plus $ 300. She was estastic! She is 91 and has to hold on to me when we go anywhere, but once she's seated in front of a slot machine, she's gleefully on her own. It makes me happy that I can make her happy in such a simple way.

10. My recent post on relationships and all the great suggestions and comments reminds me how hard it can be when there are different styles involved--and how important it is to respectfully address and resolve those differences when people care about eachother.

11. jb and I are close to spontaneously dropping into the animal shelter where we got Stella and bringing home another dog. I know it will happen on total impulse, and that is fine.

12. jb and I are headed to Colorado to visit family in a few weeks. We're planning to take a week in May to check out South Carolina (think no snow) and perhaps a week in Santa Fe in the fall. I wish we could get in the car and drive where ever whenever in America for 3 months. Someday I hope we will figure out a way to do that.

13. I am still writing away and still not working for $$$. And I may have to change that pretty soon.

TheWriting of a Poem

I love when Ces or Andrea or Val or Carla shows the process and progress of making art. Probably because of my inexperience, I can't very well explain the process and progress of my writing. But in this post I want to try.

THE PROMPT: Last night at the Big Yellow writing group, the prompt was a song. I'd never heard it before but as I listened I wrote down a few words or phrases, among them "I don't care", "bluebirds who flew home", "Here I am", "You could cry or die or just make pies all day" and "picture of my sweetheart". I look for ideas and inspiration when I jot down words like these.

THE MOOD: It might be how I feel that moment as I sit on the big yellow couch, but often I'm influenced by how I felt about my day, my life in general, or where I'm at in relation to someone or something else. Yesterday was punctuated with the serious sensitivity I sometimes carry around, including my ever-challenging desire to be a true, good person who gives and receives love fairly, with both temperance and zest, and by a fantastic meal of roasted chicken and mashed potatoes cooked by jb and shared with our two good friends.

CONSTRUCTION: As I was listening to the prompt, I wrote: "I don't care if the distance spans the decade". I started my poem with that line. From that I chose the title. Then I started writing. Nerissa allows about 40 minutes to write. I try to write a complete piece and then go back to edit, but because I know I have to be ready to read out loud when Nerissa says "Stop", most often I write, go back and change, write some more, and go back and change again. I've learned to reread and replace weak words with stronger more descriptive ones (for example, hopeful grief became splendid grief) and to delete unnecesary words. I am always surprised by how many words I actually can get rid of. I try extra hard to make the first line and last line impactful--the best writing I can--especially the last, which if I'm lucky will make a point or tie things together. I also like to repeat words and recurrent "themes"--actually, they ususually find me before I find them. In this case, it started with the "pies" from the prompt and expanded to baking and rising and then falling. And carrying the ten sticks came from a recent Tarot reading that told me that carrying a certain burden was worth it.

So here it is: Last night's poem from the Big Yellow:

I Don’t Care

I don’t care if the distance spans the decades
And the patterns never form,
If I never understand even the small photo—
where you are standing beside Jack,
The one where you look straight into the camera
your arm hanging over his shoulder, cradling his cracked smile,
The one where you tried so hard
To keep it together
Even when the fragments flew.

I don’t care if the bluebirds turn around and
Head back to what was never home,
That place we began but never finished,
That corner where we tried to intersect
But instead fell apart
in just that broken moment
When I told you I would endure
And you told me that was worthless.

I don’t care that I am baking pies today,
My senses somersaulting from the memory
Of my mother’s hands,
Moving back and forth
Kneading back and forth,
Following a rhythm I never learned—
A rhythm I think about at midnight
When my dreams will not keep still.

I would watch her dice and slice
Those moments so skillfully
I did not know my childhood was over
Until the day I left home,
Until the day you left me.
Until this day,
When all I can do
Is roll out the dough
And try to rise along with it,
Even when I know so well
I will clearly fall again.

I don’t care that I cannot maintain
Hope that cannot be sifted
In any form but by its splendid grief.
If I thought it was enough
To carry those ten sticks to town,
Just to hold them and push forward,
I would do that.
Gladly. Totally. Certainly.
I would open your garden gate
And ring your bell
And wait in place
Until the door opened
And there you were,
Scowling at my folly
To dare to come at all.

I would try to tell you
That somewhere so deep
I have never found my way
I believe there is a rising rhythm
That makes things right.
I would offer you my sticks
And then I would put my arms
Behind my back, barely moving,
Clenching with a driving hope
That you know that
I don’t care
Really means
I never learned
Not to.

kj's Human Challenge # 1

Person A: "If I can't be spontaneous, I try to plan ahead so I can enjoy the anticipation."

Person B: I let things hang loose until they fall off".


Oops. If these are the words of two different people, which they are, they can either anticipate their differences and plan for them, or they can ignore their differences until they become a problem. Either way, one person will like the approach and the other won't. And therein lies a real or potential problem.

"Hey, how about lunch?"

"No, sorry, I can't."

"How about getting together next weekend?"

"I'm not sure."

"Ok, how about we come up with a time that will work for both of us?"

"I'm really swamped right now. I just don't know."

"Well, how about we plan a weekend trip for June?"

"That sounds good. But I'm not sure."

"Oh......"

"Oh......"

Lest you think one of these characters is either too pushy or the other one doesn't give a damn, or whatever else, here's a brief description of the situation:

Good people. Good intentions. Different styles.

What about your relationships? Has this ever happened to you? And if it does, or could, or used to, what the heck can be done to find a solution that works for both parties?

Note: Since I qualify on the grounds of being both a Counselor and an Imperfect Person, I've decided from time to time I'm going to write an ocassional post that looks at sticky challenges and issues like this. And since I'm blessed with such varied and intelligent blog visitors and comments, I figure it's sort of a public service to see who has what to say and why. So consider this Human Challenge # 1. .

What can be done when two good natured people have totally different styles when it comes planning (or not planning) ahead?

Thursday 13: The Good and Bad: The Ying and Yang

This week I'm thinking about experiences and events that are neither all good or all bad, but some of each. There have been times when I think I'm too serious in my blog and others when I'm afraid I make life sound too sing-song easy. So this week I'm listing 13 things that have a ying and then a yang.

1. We start with Mohegan Sun. I love this casino: it is artistically beautiful in every aspect. But it's the slot machines that call my name. I start with the quarter slots and if I'm half-way lucky, I make it to the dollar slots before I lose all my money and have to go home. Once I won $ 250 and it might as well have been $2,500. Any time I leave with the same amount I came with, to me I won. I know it's magical thinking, and I feel badly when I lose, but I love the ying and yang thrill of it.

2. Next, blogging: my family thinks it's a cult. My friends show obvious facial boredom when I talk about it. My partner complains I spend too much time in a virtual universe. That's the ying. But I know and you know the yang is wonderful. As a writer, what could be better than the privilege of interesting intelligent people from everywhere reading and commenting and sharing back? My daughter had the good humor to wrap my Christmas presents in "I blog" paper. Then she gave me an "I blog" magnet for my refrigerator. It's true: I blog. And I'm grateful and happy about it.

3. (I know Ces: I forget to rotate the photo and then it's too late. ) I bought this bureau for $ 60 on a sad lonely birthday. I still remember how depressed and discouraged I felt at the time. But today: I also look back and remember I bought myself a nice present on a bad day. Good for me.

4. I don't like snow. I live in a valley that has alot of it. Ok, I admit it's beautiful. I admit I love a giant snowstorm when there's plenty of food in the house and the fireplace is roaring. Just don't ask me to live in a snowy climate forever.

5. This is a shot of my trip to Italy with jb. What could be wrong with that, you ask? Well, three weeks before the flight, I had emergency back surgery. I wasn't sure I'd recover in time. I wasn't sure I'd be agile and fun to be with. But I did and I was. Sometimes you just have to show up, wait it out, and let the universe take it from there.

6. For a month or more I was consumed with taking self-portraits. I got the idea from the blogs and liked it because I wanted to know what I looked like and who I had become. My family nagged me about this as badly as they do about blogging. But I persevered. My point in including this photo is that I think my eyes confirm that I can't lie very well. I am willing and I try to lie to spare someone hurt feelings, but I'm bad at it. So this is about the ying and yang of lying. That's all.

7. Here's an old picture of my dad and me. I could say that helping my father die at home was a tragic horrible experience, but if I did that I would be leaving out the fact that it was also moving and meaningful. I look back on it and I am very proud of myself from start to finish. Plus I'm no longer afraid of death or dying--at least not in the same way.

8. In the best and worse category, meet Ms. Ellie. She is a street performer in Provincetown. She sings the same song, off-key, over and over and over. She is also in her late 70's with legs to die for (well, ok, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit). Ms. Ellie makes it to this ying and yang Thursday 13 on spunk alone.

9. New Orleans. My two weeks with the Red Cross will always be one of the best and one of the worse experiences of my life. I saw so much tragedy and sorrow. And I also saw so much courage and kindness.

10. My mom is now 91 years old. She's lost a big chunk of her memory but not a fragment of her enthusiasm. The Ying is she is still trying to take care of me. The yang is I am quietly trying to take care of her. And she plays those quarter slot machines right along side me.

11. I'm forever grateful to have this unique wonderful human being as my dearest friend, but I hate that she is so far away. I'll be the first one to sign up for time travel if it means we can sometimes have morning coffee together.

12. This is the entrance to my favorite beach. I hate walking in the sand to get there. But it's so worth it.

13. The last lacks a picture: Tomato City. After years of plotting and planning and dreaming and designing, jb and I opened a restaurant. It was successful from the first day and it was a disaster from the first day. When we closed it down, we were not sure we would ever talk to one another again. jb's sister sent us a check and begged us to go on vacation together. That was a good thing. Now when I look back, I am so glad we tried. There were awesome moments. And I'm so glad we found our way out.

That's it.......