Hello, it's been a while. It's a new year. I hope you are well xo. I've been busy settling into the person I've become and am becoming, Note the present and future tenses--a bit of a magic trick involving parallel time.
My Mother died a month ago and I have been given incredible comfort by how gracious and loving her passing and everyone around us was to her and to us her family. My days are now very different, mostly because of what I no longer do. I am now free to travel distancesl, to stay in Provincetown, to be out and about however I want without trips and visits to the nursing home. I had a silver thread connected to my daughter Jessica until I knew she was happy and protected by her husband, a good man; and that same sliver thread was then extended to my Mother, who needed me. Now it's different. I am still willingly tethered to the people I love, but there's a freedom too.
I've been grouchy. Here at my blog I have always welcomed diversity and differing perspectives. Heck, for several years I loved someone who loved Dick Cheney. But I've had it. My tolerance is gone. If you are reading this and you truly believe that the likes of George Zimmerman and the Ferguson police officer and the choke hold in New York and several other incidents involving black people were not and are not directly or indirectly connected to racist behavior, and that these kinds of acts are not harmful--dangerous even--to our society, I'm not the girl for you. I'm disappointed, bewildered, and often infuriated by the racial prejudice in all kinds of communities and I can't help it. Of course you can comment if you disagree but I may not respond. I don't seem to have the will for persuasive discussion. The reality is pretty clear to me. And I'm glad I'm not alone in seeing that.
This is not the only area that has used up my tolerance, but I'll save my feelings about the US Republican Congress and its positions on just about everything for another day.
Meanwhile, I am writing my novel and getting close to the polishing part. Putting some of the chapters in the order of a readable story, reading it out loud to JB and myself, and making the effort to let these characters be themselves.
What else is new with me? JB and I and Jess and Mike and their four kids and Jess' mother-in-law and sister-in-law and her husband and their three children and another sister-in-law and her husband have booked a week at Disneyworld for next Christmas. We've rented a big house. With a pool. Everyone's excited.
And I'm working. From home and with great flexibility. I have clients again and I like that. Unlike my work in the poorest inner city of Springfield MA, my present clients are doctors and executives and folks with high earnings. But the human issues and needs are the same. Involving Love. Purpose. Independence. Forgiveness.
I'll end this by saying I may come back and delete the paragraph above about race. It's not my way not to listen to all sides and it's not right to be rude to my friends and visitors who have taken the time to come here. But on the likelihood that I will leave this post as it is, all I can offer is my belief that we are all created equal and come on--George Zimmerman stalked that boy. Can we just start with that fact?
Love
kj
Hi KJ, I'm gonna be quiet cause when friends are in this mood - ain't nothing gonna go right! Just sending love and Disney sounds great, and P'town sounds wonderful as does writing and being productive.
ReplyDelete(in my opinion, GZ is a nut...just sayin)
hi mim, i think i'm going to stay mad. i saw the movie 'selma' a few days ago and am stunned that so little has changed. not to say that i think racial problems are soley the cause of white folks. i don't think that.
Deletegot your email and it is totally sweet. '
love
kj
I think you are entitled to hold your opinions and it is your blog woman. I don't understand racism or intolerance either. Actually that's not true, I believe it comes from fear. Anger and rage always seem to come from fear.
ReplyDeleteCanada has become from right wing of late as well and that scares me. I believe that we all need to take care of each other, that our country is a community and that if others fall down, we help them get up.
I just finished a wonderful book by the author Richard Wagamese. He is an Ojibwa man. The book was "Indian Horse". It's a book about racism and fear and pain and survival.
Take care woman.
deb, i don't know if i totally buy the cause being fear. sometimes i think members of our species just settle into feeling superior and mixed with power, things get imbalanced and unfair.
Deletei'll check out that book for sure. i hope you are doing okay dealing with losing your best friend. i know how hard that must be.
love
kj
How wonderful about your plans for next Christmas! I hope to one day vacation with my adult children again, tagging along as the nanny. We had planned on Disneyland with Gary, however, he became too sick too quickly and we were never able to go. So good for you.
ReplyDeleteAh, the losses of loved ones...I love this quote I found: "No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side."
Sending you lovelovelove,
Deb
deb, i know you well enough to know what a loving and gracious comment you've left me here. that quote is so helpful and insightful. one step at a time…
Deletelove love love to you.
kj
At the risk of being excommunicated from your blog, I am going to opine that I don’t know what role racism played in those cases. Reading the further legal problems of George Zimmerman I wonder, is he a racist or is he just a bully with a problem with almost everyone? He doesn’t seem to limit his hatred to just one group. Is Darren Wilson a racist? I was not in that police car. I have no idea what either man felt. Do I believe there is systemic racial problems in police departments and other institutions? Yes I do. But I have not read of any other incidents where Officer Wilson acted in any way other than professional toward everyone he encountered. So is it fair for me to label him a racist? Did Daniel Panteleo acted out of racism? I tend to lean more toward that view in that case as I cannot see any other reason for the way that played out. But how could I possibly know what was is his heart?
ReplyDeleteI was in an interracial relationship long before there was any kind of acceptance or tolerance for such relationships. I have experienced the very ugly and violent side of racism and still see the horrible corrosive effect it has on all of us, decades later. But in truth, I am more concerned about the way people throw the label “racist” around. Racism is a very complex problem and like the song from Avenue Q, I do believe “everyone is a little bit racist.”
I recently saw a sign at a rally for sustainable economics. It read:
We were all humans until
race disconnected us,
religion separated us,
politics divided us,
and wealth classified us.
I truly believe that the labels are killing us.
8, you are welcomed and appreciated at my blog for all time xo
Deletei don't see the issue as who george zimmerman is. i think the question is if he had stalked a white teen, would he have been found innocent? and i don't think so. that is a fundamental difference. sometimes i think that racism is so subtle it is misleading to point to an individual and label him or her racist. i speak of racist behavior here in this post; not labels of people.
what i do know for certain is that parents of black sons have to prepare them very differently for how to live and walk and respond to authority and to confrontation. i find that very sad and very unfair.
not to say that i don't hold the black community for a good part of the systemic problems. i do--neighborhood responsibility, more work and less entitlements, greater involvement in political and police representation--but that is another subject.
i was in an interracial relationship too and i've just finished five years working in poor communities of color. i also just watched 'selma' at the movies. man we have a surprisingly long way to go. :^(
love the quote. i totally agree.
love
kj
Comment #2
ReplyDeleteI love your description of how your life is changing as your responsibilities have changed. With change comes growth and it sound like you’re growing in wonderful and beautiful directions!
While I share your frustrations about the state of the world I am also reminded that the world has always been a hot mess. Not exactly a comforting thought, I know. But enough reason for me not to focus on the always present evil, but to always face myself in the direction of love.
(otherwise I’m sure I would be bat shit with the crazy by now)
Holding you gently in my heart.
hello again :^)
Deletebill and melinda gates have put out a video demonstrating that the world as a whole is improving in huge ways and will continue to improve for all people. good to be reminded of that direction.
feel better,
love
kj
Kj, I agree with you about the race killings, and I am in a bit of despair over them, it makes me so sad. I do what I can and try to let the rest go. I don't want to offend anyone, but it seems to me that Republicans have gone crazy, I never really agreed with them and I have some friends who are republicans and they are good, kind people, but the ones in office seem out of this world to me.
ReplyDeleteYour world is changing as it should, change is the one thing we can all count on.
Love and hugs, Annie xoxo
i do agree with you, annie. you've said all this very well.
Deletelove
kj
P.S. I just read 8thday's comment and I do agree that we cannot know what is in someone's heart, I still think that race had something to do with these killings, but I could be wrong. I would like to know how many white people get killed by police in cases like these? You never hear of any. Having said that I do not think all police are racist. That is a dangerous road to go down. Peace and love is the answer. xoxo
ReplyDeletelabels get us in all kinds of trouble, i think because they are always based on a duality: good or bad, right or wrong, black or white, this or that.
Deleteas for the police, most officers i know are professional. however, i do see a segment that could just as well be bullies in any environment. power is a delicate responsibility…
love to you annie xoxo
kj
I live with a retired police officer and she will be the first to say that there are two kinds of officers - "those who want to really want to help people and those who want to bully." Fortunately I believe the good still outnumber the bad. Unfortunately the selection process is not always successful at weeding out the bullies. And this phenomena is not only in police departments. I often think that what we call systematic racism is really systematic bullyism. Women, gays, racial minorities, the poor, the homeless . . . we all have our stories. I only wish I knew how to break the cycle.
DeleteThere are so many subtle forms of racism that white people are either unaware of or pretend to be unaware of. Until they wise up and admit they systematically treat black people as second class citizens, and do something about it, nothing is going to change. As you say, "parents of black sons have to prepare them very differently for how to live and walk and respond to authority and to confrontation." Too true.
ReplyDeletenick, i'd guess you are very right; the unawareness part especially. I'm surprised so many of the people i respect and hold dear see little off base or wrong with any of these now 4 publicized deaths of 3 black boys and one black man.
Deletenice to see you here. welcome.
love
kj
Of course I really should be saying "we" and not "they". Yes, I'm a white man and yes, I'm no doubt often guilty of unintended racist reactions. It's easy to slip into group-think and just behave the way other people do unless I consciously check myself.
ReplyDeleteyes, it's all 'we.'
DeleteIt's such a complicated issue. Race almost always plays a role because racism (and sexism and homophobia) are so deeply ingrained in our society. I always fall back on the idea that none of us are free until all of us are free.
ReplyDeleteall good points, cs.
Deletelove
kj
I am thinking of you and praying that you are not on the path of the beast. Please be well, for as long as you have heat and water - I know sounds like an oxymoron considering what snow is made of - I don't worry about the two of you. Remember that to worry about something is like a prayer for something you don't want to happen, and in the end it has never affected the outcome. Be well, stay warm, and enjoying what you can of this blizzard.
ReplyDeletemuch love,
Allegra
Dearest Allegra, we lost power this morning and expected no return for several days but tonight it is back and we are warm! The storm and wind has been relentless: tomorrow morning we get dug out and all is well. Thank you, my friend
DeleteLove
kj
I am so sorry for your mom's passing, but know she is in eternal peace know... just imagine that! I beieve it completely.
ReplyDeleteGood you kept in the racial paragraph. When I hear that poor man say "I can't breathe", my heart sunk for him, and I knew his end was near. Got me so sick.
Glad to hear you are working well on your novel. Hope it inspires me to do the same.
Love and light to you, dear sister.
Hi Barbara, nice to hear from you. I hope each day is a little easier in your recovery . Write your novel as I write mine!
DeleteThank you for your condolence.my Mother died a good death and for that I am so thankful
Love
kj
Tell it like it is KJ - your blog should be a forum for whatever you wish it to be and I hope you never change. xoxo
ReplyDeletethank you Amanda!!!!
ReplyDeleteLove
kj
I'm glad you are taking things easy and slowly. There's a huge repair job that's needed after a mother's death. I still have my good days and bad. Also, like you I am not willing to accommodate bigotry and prejudice. Take care xx
ReplyDeletei think of you, kay. and i appreciate how succinctly you've said how i feel.
ReplyDeletei hope you are doing fine xo
love
kj
You are right in everything you wrote, IMHO. Now, imagine me living with a man who sees it in the opposite. Have had enough, kj. Which is why my like-minded friends are becoming dearer to me all the time.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are coming into your own, surrounded by love.xo
lydia, of course there is a significant part of your comment that i wish were not so. i think 'having enough' is important, and i hope you find your way with that. i know it's helped me to limit the amount of entry from people and situations that upset me.
Deletei'm not surprised you agree with me IMHO :^) and yes, i've found that friends matter more and more. i'm lucky in that department if only because i finally understand the value of friends.
love
kj
kj, not sure that a country exists or has ever existed here on this planet that could put their hand up and honestly say no not us. I think it is another flaw we humans carry in our DNA.
ReplyDeleteThe gorgeous image of snow in your current header ... truly I could dive head first into it just now*!*
annie, i just lost my comment to you :^(
Deletei agree that aggression is part of our DNA inhumanity too? i know this has been the case since the beginning of recorded mankind, but i still fail to understand why we as a species haven't evolved more.
that is my friends' barn in vermont. it is close to falling down. i took that shot on a perfect day…
love
kj
... something about snow adding an extra attraction to such old buildings mixture of grace and grit to be still standing come rain, hail, wind, snow and sun.
DeleteAs for inhumanity in our DNA? - sadly I think so, as a species we have a terrible track record of doing unacceptable things not only within our own human family but to all other species we *share* the planet with.
Even from this side of the big pond the pictures spoke for themselves and there was a huge collective indrawing of breath when the clearly visible perpetrators got away with it.
ReplyDeleteWhat’s wrong with people?
I hope you will continue to write this blog. This post and your profile blurb have convinced me that I’d like to know more about you. I’m following.
hello friko, damn if i know what's wrong with people? turning the other cheek means a lot more than tolerance, and it bothers me to no end.
Deletethank you for your very kind words about me and my blog. i appreciate that a lot.
love
kj
I jumped on a reader yesterday and I now regret it. I found her patronizing and unintelligent, so I finally got tired of it and told her what I thought. Now, I wish I hadn’t, but I don’t know what to do about it. On the one hand, I think I was right, but on the other, I wish I had maintained my desired attitude of appreciation for those who comment even when I find their comments infuriating.
ReplyDeleteOn the race issue, if you really think that disagreement with you as to whether a particular incident was inspired by racism disqualifies one from commenting on your blog, I guess I shouldn’t come here, but I’ll tell you what I’m reminded of. Upon his discovering that I grew up in Mississippi, I had a longtime reader tell me not to visit his blog anymore because his life contained enough bigots. I thought he was joking (my state of origin being the only objection he mentioned), but he wasn't. The truth is that you can’t know what was in the heart of a particular cop on a particular day. Even if he behaved badly, you can’t rule out innumerable other factors as being the cause, so to dismiss the worth of readers who disagree with your interpretation seems to me to represent the very bigotry that you say you oppose.
“If you are reading this and you truly believe that the likes of George Zimmerman and the Ferguson police officer and the choke hold in New York and several other incidents involving black people were not and are not directly or indirectly connected to racist behavior, and that these kinds of acts are not harmful--dangerous even--to our society, I'm not the girl for you.”
DeleteIn case I haven’t myself plain. I don’t believe that one can judge an individual act to be racially motivated unless the person who performed the act said that it was racially motivated or used racial slurs while committing the act. I do believe that racism exists, that it exists among police, and that statistically, many such acts are racially motivated. The problem comes when a person tries to say which ones. Here in Eugene, the city council decided to not rename a street after MLK, and the black community accused the city council of racism. Such accusations are called the race card, and they’re used because they’re effective whether or not there’s reason to think that they are true, and that’s how I see them used in individual cases of police overstepping the law.
What is so painfully to you in a given situation isn’t at all obvious to me. My impression is that it’s extremely important to you that it be obvious to everyone you associate with, and that you think less of people who, in your view, are too racist to admit that which you consider obvious. You’ve written several times that you are free of prejudice against people who don’t believe in God, and I think this is probably true, but the kind of contempt that many theists feel for atheists, you seem to feel for people who disagree with you about race. I completely agree that, when it comes to confrontations with the cops, it’s safer to be a white person than a black person, but I can’t carry this over into pronouncing any given incident to be racially motivated. People’s careers are being ruined simply because they were accused of racism. Furthermore, it’s assumed that this racism led them to commit criminal acts when even the truth of that fact isn’t necessarily evident as was the case in Ferguson.
You often wonder why I seem to stuck on issues of religion/atheism, and this is what I wonder about you and this racial thing. Furthermore, it’s not enough for a person to agree with you that a problem exists, you want them to agree with you about all the particulars.
a person has to use words and say out loud that they are motivated by race in order for it to be so? surely you know how simplistic that statement is. we do all kinds of things without speaking or labeling upfront.
Deletei just can't follow your examples, snow. the sticks and stones of words, even when they lead to ostracization (sp?) or disregard, are not the same as a loss of life. i suppose both may lead to a person feeling invisible, but you aren't worried about someone confronting or shooting you because of your beliefs, in part because your beliefs are not as obvious as the color of someone's skin.
i would go to the mat for atheists in the same way i would for people of color and any other minorities or any other people who are being harmed simply because of who they are. i'm consistent in that way.
I would add to that a pattern of behavior, and argue such criteria would be preferable to accusing individual policemen of prejudice based entirely upon their race and gender. The very racism that you say you oppose, you would use as a criteria for assigning blame in the absence of any other factor.
DeleteSnow, of course the criteria is a pattern of behavior.
DeleteI never said anything the race or gender of police officers. Where the heck have you taken this? I can't follow your thinking, snow. I'm sorry. Let's be done trying to understand each other here. Okay?
snow, i saw that exchange at your blog. that reader left you before you said good bye to her, so it looks like a mutual break up to me. i used to worry about relationship endings, or 'failures', but i'm less likely to now. it happens.
ReplyDeletewhich segways to my next response. of course you are welcome at my blog, anytime.
i don't view my position or response to what i consider racist behavior (or language, or perceptions, etc) as similar to your example. to dismiss someone soly on the basis of his/her residence is not the same as being unwilling or unable to connect very real dots--mulitiple dots- that show a patten of racial discrimination and injustice. i don't know what might be in someone's heart either, but i do know that a culture and an environment can and does promote certain behaviors and responses. and that culture is what i don't think you recognize.
one thing i know from my years now of blogging: i am not someone who dismisses the worth of anyone who disagrees with my interpretations of anything: i think my history here confirms that. but will i draw lines and remove myself from dialogues that offends or diminishes my own values? yes.
love
kj