Before I tell you my own story I hope you will consider sharing with me and others a time when someone has nudged your life in this way; someone who you were destined to love and learn from.
My family won't like my choice. My friends won't either.
There are people who reconfigure your life in ways that nurture and exalt and others who blow things to holy hell and leave you wondering how or why any of it could have happened.
Someone hurt me so deeply I wasn't sure I would recover. I might have hurt her deeply too but that I will not know: her words have dripped with so much vilification and vehemence toward me that I believe she walked away without conscience and without a glance.
We met in 2006 and crashed in 2009. For a time after that she was clear and public on these blogs that she viewed me with disgust and contempt. I've had relationships end but never like this one.
I've come to understand well more than I did then. There were many concerns: convention, politics, geography, culture, religion, sexuality, and I dare say mutual psychological issues. I don't miss the Rush Limbaugh demonizing and I don't miss the crazy push and pull of my emotions. I do miss the wild impromptu fun and provocation, the art and mail and passion and affirmations.
The bad was so bad.
But. I cracked open. I became more myself, not as dependent on the opinions of others or life on the edge. I'm calmer and I finally know how to think as much as feel. I don't jump into any relationships the way I used to and I take my time before I commit my time or a hand or my heart. I'm not disappointed so often and when I am, I know that sometimes things just don't work out. I know when a person lacks empathy or quotes Rush Limbaugh arbitrarily that person is not for me.
I also know that I live my life without bitterness. Sometimes I still wait for evidence to bolster my side but mostly I try not to.
To JB and Jessica, you are my North Stars. Your love and lessons come to me gently from security. Even still, sometimes I learn by being broken.
So Miss Meanspirited Sunday Painter, thanks for the privilege Anyway I wish you peace. And sometimes I hope somewhere somehow you like me understand more now than then.
Love
kj
You know, the Buddha didn't actually ever say... never mind.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I do believe that the most difficult or hurtful people in your life can be your best teachers. I believe you grow in spite of them. And you look back and figure out what was valuable about that experience. Even if it sucks while it's happening.
cs, you told me about this misquote before and i forgot! i don't like passing on incorrect information, so thanks.
Deletesoft friends protect you and hard friends teach you to protect yourself. i subscribe to that. it's all in a life's work, isn't it? xoxo
Yes it is - all part of the journey. :)
DeleteI recall you mentioning this painful situation in other posts. It's amazing to realize how it is possible to become so close to someone, only to have the relationship fall apart and then feel like you really never knew that person at all. I'm sorry for the pain you have suffered. It does sound like you have taken the winds of that pain and have created with it beautiful canyons in your soul.
ReplyDeleteSending you loving wishes for a beautiful week, KJ.
xoxo
Amanda
I'm well past the confusion and pain of it, amanda, and yes, it's hard to understand how it could happen in the first place. i've learned to slow down and not jump in to relationships so quickly, period. and i think that's a good thing. other folks may have to learn to be willing to take the jump! wishing you a beautiful week too, amanda. i am writing up a storm and having a good time with it. love kj
DeleteYou said it wise and well, dear. I think you have very much grown after what has happened then. The paintings and drawings were beautiful, but her mind was different. Maybe she could not handle the situation and choose the bad way to split up. It is a pity that you two never were able to make a bit of peace......... and then go on.
ReplyDeleteThere are things only time will provide perspective on ... so it is that the heart may take it's own sweet time to find calmer waters after storms at sea. I'm glad you have the greatest anchors a person can have in this life. Love. You love and you are loved. Nothing matters more. xx Jos
ReplyDelete