Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Gateway to Kevin

Mr. Ryan, who will be five in January, asked his mother what he would do if she had to go to kevin.


"If you were in kevin, how would I get Drew to daycare? I can't drive the car."

Yesterday I took a Navy ID picture of my Father to show my Mother. She stared at it for some time, read his name out loud.

"Who is this?" she asked.

"It's Dad, Mom. You don't recognize him?"

"Not really. Who was his wife?"

This is the make or break point. I can cry or laugh.

I laugh. "Mom! YOU'RE his wife!"

She laughs too. We chuckle. "Of course. I should not look at things like this just after I wake up."

"What do you remember about Dad, Mom?"

"Not much. But I think we got along, didn't we?"

"Yes, Mom. You definitely did."

This thin line: it's easy to say life goes on after loss or death or both, but I am more and more convinced that time is not linear and relationships go on after death too.

"It's a poor memory that only works backwards." I don't know who said this but yes.

My Mother cannot remember my Father and her husband of 63 years, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't have an irreplaceable connection to him. He is part of who she is, part of her DNA hard wiring. He is real and alive in my Mother's life whether she can say so or not.

Another thing my Mother said this week:

"Do you remember how old you are, Mom?"

"Pretty old...am I 95?"


"I know I show it in some way, but, talking, it's still me.

"Mom, you are an amazing woman. I am so glad you live in an amazing place and that so many people adore who you are.

And Mr. Ryan, dear God, your Mother is not going to be any where near Kevin for many many many years. And just so you know, when the time comes that I'm in Kevin, I'll be looking down on your heart and back forever more.
(please scroll down all the way to leave a comment. I couldn't get this photo cropped but I also couldn't resist not sharing it)


  1. I have tears streaming down my face which makes it very difficult to type...

    I just want to give you a great big hug right now.


    p.s. The quote is by Lewis Carroll in one of my favorite books "Through the Looking Glass"... It's one of my favorite quotes too.

  2. I also wanted to say that I love the photo too.

  3. I am not getting round to visiting as much as I would like to, but I couldn't pass this up...very heartfelt post and funny, but holding hands is something that all my friends remember me and Mike doing so often...I miss that and yes, it is hard wired (and we were together only a short time, relatively speaking...)

  4. Wow hon. So sweet and tender. It's selfish to say it, but me being me...I'm going to say it anyway. I don't want to live that long. I just do.not.want.to. I've been ready for son long. Please God, take me all at once and leave another. I don't want to go piece by piece.

  5. kristin ♥, lewis carroll! i am so glad to know that. did this really make you cry? i won't mind if it did... :^)

    teri, i am so glad and i appreciate that you are here for this post. i know you know. i hope you are well and thriving and maybe even getting into a little trouble :^)

    annie, haha, my mother would say, okay, take her. i want to stay!
    i wish you could meet her. she loves her life. hard to believe, but she says 'well of course i'm okay, what do i have to complain about?' i hope things turn out that way for me....♥

  6. oh my, kevin. sigh. and your mother, it's good your writing all these things down. forever memories, such a sweet photo too.

  7. May I just say that Ryan is officially one of my favorite people on the planet. That he is thinking of what to do if kevin calls, just speaks volumes to me about his heart, and how loving he is. What an amazing big brother. :) And I hope that I can have that same outlook on life that your mom has, if I am ever in her shoes. She is really wonderful. xox

  8. It's funny that she automatically tried to figure out who he was by 'wife association'. Like when we were kids, none of the adults could bother with our names, they just needed to know who we belonged to. Good post!

  9. Beautiful. Funny and yes sad, but happy. I totally agree. The photo is priceless. Hugs to you and mom.

  10. Ah, kj. You are a treasure. Sweet little Mr. Ryan has a great big caring heart, just like his dear Grandma, I see. Please give your wonderful mom a little kiss for me, and a hug. I love the photo.

    Big hug and lots of love to you,

    (Thanks you for your sweet comments on my blog. :0) They always mean a lot to me. xo)

  11. lori, i think about that, that my blog is in some way a remembrance for my family. and then i think of the posts i should remove!

    pam, ryan is an amazing boy. his only problem, sometimes, is that he is pretty sure he knows mostly everything already. whoa,ryan, that's a grown up decision! (i love him to bits)

    hiya mark. thanks.

    3Gknight, ah, you must have been part of a large family!

    thanks, annie ♥

    angela, thank you, the feeling is totally mutual ♥

  12. Beautiful....poignant....but ultimately, full of L♥VE....and that's what counts!

    I adore the Lewis Carroll quote....



    ♥ Robin ♥

  13. ... "I am more and more convinced that time is not linear and relationships go on after death too" ...

    Ah KJ you are so right. Even Einstein's theory of relativity allows for the fact that time is not linear ... at least not as we approach the speed of light. I tend to think therefore that angels must be very speedy beings! So speedy in fact that they can be in many places almost in the same instant. Which is kind of comforting as you will no doubt want to watch over Ryan, Drew, Logan, Jess ... I'm sure the list goes on and on and on ... you have a large heart have you not?

    Somehow I get the impression that large hearts run in your family. Your Mom ... now there's a woman with a large heart.

    xx Jos

  14. love this shot of your mom and dad and the conversations with her and mr. ryan. they are all kevinly.

  15. OH! Kevin!!
    How MUCH I love that,,,and that sweet boy's heart. They can say the most amazing things, and I adore knowing what goes on in their heads. They really take things down to the basics, and are so completely honest.
    Your Mom,,,so selfless, never complaining. Mine either, even though there were many times I certainly would have, had I been she.
    Wonderful role models,,,I'm hoping we'll live up to them, aren't you?

  16. yes...lewis carroll...one of the best.

    Kevin. i just love it. One of my nephews had a fit one christmas cause he wanted to make an "activity scene" with the camels and sheep. Took us awhile to catch on.

    your mom is in a very very special place. And her very special daughter is there to help her - how wonderful is that.

  17. robin, i thought it was all full of l♥ove too. xoxo

    'angels must be very speedy beings! So speedy in fact that they can be in many places almost in the same instant.'

    now there's a thought, jos! it makes perfect sense! as for my large heart, it is large enough to burst and tumble and replenish and try try again. just like you.

    amanda, kevinly, hahaha, that is great! (huge smile)

    babs, indeed i hope we live up to our Moms. i think my jess will, so maybe i will too. how can we lose, babs, being blessed with these childish ways in our lives? ♥

    aw mim, the place in incredible. one of a kind. they are her family there. they give me the gift of not worrying, not one bit. and they trick my Mom into believing she is independent. i will be forever grateful

  18. I cant even begin to imagine the roller coaster of emotion..I'm already crying,already laughing,already thankful as I grab hubbys hand beside me.Treasured Moments for sure.
    You are so beautiful sweet Kj and I am so thankful to know you.Cat

  19. why thank you very much ms. cat. the feeling is mutual ♥

  20. That's sweet and funny at the same time.

  21. Just love these conversations you have with your family.x