I wish so many wonderful people here, who mean so much to me, a blessed holiday and a new year filled with love and astonishment. For some reason I've been thinking about what it means to be alone, especially on holidays earmarked for 'family.' I look to my partner JB and I know she will be here for me, and I for her, for as long as the universe and destiny allow. I have loyal friends and I am a loyal friend. I know what that means too and I take comfort in it. I have a daughter I love more than life itself, and a son-in-law and little boys I adore. But I am also alone.
We are all alone in our own way. The rooms in our heart, as my beloved Allegra called them in her amazing gift of words to me in my prior post, are occupied by people, animals, experiences that move and touch and love us, that have taken up residence to teach and guide and comfort. And some of those rooms are vacated for the same reasons.
This holiday I promised myself I would appreciate what is. No longer lament what and who isn't. When I determined I would post frequently throughout the Christmas holidays I didn't know I would be grieving the loss of my beloved dog Stella. She died yesterday morning, in front of our Christmas tree, secure on her bed, her head resting in JB's hands, our trusted vet giving her a final cookie, her body relaxing into a comfort that had been taken from her. She died at peace. There is an empty space here without her. I am crying on a dime. But too I know she lives on within me and in the world and I have not one doubt that I am and will always be the better for knowing and loving her. By example Stella taught me lessons. Patience and acceptance for starts. I will wag my loyal tail to her for the rest of my life.
Ha! I also promised myself I would write only brief short posts that could be visited in a flash in a busy time of year. But here I am without my laptop, without my photos, without my Stella. So if you've read this all the way through, here's an extra smooch and tsup! for you. ♥
About being alone. Of course carrying the chores and witnessing the big and little moments in life are made so much harder alone. I don't mean to imply otherwise when I say life waits for the taking. It might be exhilarating, it might be heartbreaking, but it's all we have. Go give what you seek. I think that is what makes things right. So I wish you Merry. Lots of Merry.
Even sadmerry, which is where I am right now.
I have a broken heart and a merry heart all rolled into one. I didn't think that was possible.
kj loves stella xoxo