Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Eve ♥

I wish so many wonderful people here, who mean so much to me, a blessed holiday and a new year filled with love and astonishment. For some reason I've been thinking about what it means to be alone, especially on holidays earmarked for 'family.' I look to my partner JB and I know she will be here for me, and I for her, for as long as the universe and destiny allow. I have loyal friends and I am a loyal friend. I know what that means too and I take comfort in it. I have a daughter I love more than life itself, and a son-in-law and little boys I adore. But I am also alone.

We are all alone in our own way. The rooms in our heart, as my beloved Allegra called them in her amazing gift of words to me in my prior post, are occupied by people, animals, experiences that move and touch and love us, that have taken up residence to teach and guide and comfort. And some of those rooms are vacated for the same reasons.

This holiday I promised myself I would appreciate what is. No longer lament what and who isn't. When I determined I would post frequently throughout the Christmas holidays I didn't know I would be grieving the loss of my beloved dog Stella. She died yesterday morning, in front of our Christmas tree, secure on her bed, her head resting in JB's hands, our trusted vet giving her a final cookie, her body relaxing into a comfort that had been taken from her. She died at peace. There is an empty space here without her. I am crying on a dime. But too I know she lives on within me and in the world and I have not one doubt that I am and will always be the better for knowing and loving her. By example Stella taught me lessons. Patience and acceptance for starts. I will wag my loyal tail to her for the rest of my life.

Ha! I also promised myself I would write only brief short posts that could be visited in a flash in a busy time of year. But here I am without my laptop, without my photos, without my Stella. So if you've read this all the way through, here's an extra smooch and tsup! for you. ♥

About being alone. Of course carrying the chores and witnessing the big and little moments in life are made so much harder alone. I don't mean to imply otherwise when I say life waits for the taking. It might be exhilarating, it might be heartbreaking, but it's all we have. Go give what you seek. I think that is what makes things right. So I wish you Merry. Lots of Merry.

Even sadmerry, which is where I am right now.

I have a broken heart and a merry heart all rolled into one. I didn't think that was possible.

kj loves stella xoxo


  1. Well I did read all the way through so I will take my tsup and return it along with a warm hug. I wish you a very merry sadmerry time KJ.

    I will talk about alone-ness another time. But I hear you. xx Jos

  2. (((♥))) for now.

    More later ;)


  3. Babs loves Stella too.
    And I read all the way through also, and I'm applauding.

  4. Oh, my deepest sympathies on the loss of Stella. She sure was a beautiful girl.
    I am alone on this Christmas Eve and Christmas, because family had other things on thier mind, but my best friend lives across the hall, so we are spending it together. We have been friends for 37 years.

  5. Thoughtful post,sorry about your dog. all the best to you.

  6. oh dear Stella. I think life is about being both happy and sad rolled into one. be well, love, Suki

  7. Stella loved you too...

    Suki is right..if we were never sad or lonely, we would not be able to appreciate the pure joy of being happy...or savour the warmth of being with loved ones.

    I am thinking of you and *Renee Candle* is burning...

    Christmas Eve..... sending you love and many warm hugs.

    ♥ Robin ♥

  8. So sad for your loss of Stella; yes hang on to the lessons learned and memories for the rest of your life. Our animals have so much to give us.

    I read you till the end dear friend, dear supportive caring person, who I am grateful for having met in this land.

    Wishing you now the joy and happiness of the holiday with the people there around you. Enjoy.
    Cry when you need to and then wipe your tears and smile. Stella would want it that way. ;-) I think so.

  9. Merry Christmas dear. All the best to you and everyone dear to you now and for all the years to come.

  10. Your heart is rolled into one because it was filled with gratitude over the years you had with Stella. You know you did the right thing for her and she is thankful for that and the beautiful years you gave her.

    I wish you a very good Christmas. I wish your heart will heal by the day so that room in your heart for Stella will only leave you a warm thankful feeling


  11. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for writing this lovely post.
    Have a beautiful Christmas.

  12. SadMerry - what a perfect way of putting it. The older we get the more our joy is tinged with longing for old times, old friends,....old dogs.

    But I think you've got it right KJ, as do all our friends. We can rarely have one without a bit of the other - and your determination to enjoy the season is wonderful and perfect. Enjoy with all your heart those delicious grandbabies of yours and make wonderful memories with them.

    As for just brings me to tears. She had one of those faces.....

    Go out this week, go to the liquor store and get that stuff that I told you about and have some FUN!!!!

  13. Made me cry.
    Yes, we are all alone, but some of us are more alone than others and some of us are just fine with it
    :-). Acceptance is key and the knowledge that we are never, ever really alone.
    I am so glad that Stella has peace
    and she is running and jumping again, this I know. Perhaps even with my Zeus.
    And I am so glad that you have JB.
    Giant hugs.

  14. I'm not a regular but do hear about you often from others whom I do blog with. I'm so sorry for your loss - losing a best dog friend like that is so bittersweet. You want them to be free of pain, but you miss them so much you can hardly bear to do it. I've been there. Peace to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  15. So so sorry kj. I hope you and jb had a more merry than sad holiday. Run free now sweet Stella.

  16. The wonderful thing about love is that it resides in your heart forever. Stella is there, thumpng her tail in time to the beat of your heart. ♥

  17. Dear KJ - so very sorry to read about your beloved Stella. What a marvellous friend she was and will remain so ever more in your hearts. Hugs for you xxx

  18. I am so very sorry about Stella, so very sorry. But know that you were blessed that she left this life peacefully, in her home, with her family. Do you know that Catholics, well those who believe in the apparitions of Medjugorje, believe that more souls to go heaven on Christmas/Christmas Eve than even Easter? Told by the Blessed Mother Herself. Two years ago I had to put my beloved Bear down due to her crying out in severe old-age related pain, and it was not nice. She went peacefully, but there on the bare floor of the vet's office, as I was holding her, and the injection began to take effect, she looked straight in my eyes, as if to ask, what had I done??? Betrayal. She would have chosen to stay with me in any pain. So blessed you are. And, ALL dogs DO go to heaven; St. Francis said so! **kisses** Deb