Sunday, August 16, 2009

Best Friends: Part 1

It's been just about a year since a relationship I very much valued fell apart. I can't explain it all, and I wouldn't if I could, but I've been imprisoned by my own sadness. My loss of trust and caring has been quite painful.
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For my own sake, I think it's time I began to step out of the shadow. I had a relationship and it was good and now it isn't and I need to accept that and, finally, fully, move on. So this is Part I of a 3 part series. I hope you don't mind walking this road with me. If you do mind, that's okay too: come back mid week and we'll be silly again. Until then:
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February 2007
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How does a best and blessed connection develop, expand, grow, sustain over the months and years? I can't rightly answer that, but I can tell you that if a friend is a gift you give yourself, I have been very lavish in my wonderful good fortune with this special friend. This piece is for her, with thanks for a wicked good time this weekend!
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It’s a February day when the sky finally assumes its rightful chilling brilliant blue and the sun is confident enough to bounce off the gleaming crusted snow and across the tiny fully white hills that make up this park. Two solid black shadows stretch four feet before us on this frigid day. We are arm in arm, walking in silence and noticing every sign that the world is right today, that this day alone will right everything that could be wrong--today, this day, when fortune permits two best friends to steal and share three days to catch up and wind down, to begin at dawn in the little green and salmon room off the kitchen for a fiesta cup of coffee, and then to linger, to hold hands, to notice nuances, to retell stories that are so long and so much that afterwards, neither can recall or retrace a single word or a single moment
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In this hour, the teacher teaches and the extinguisher lies down the hose. The sun approaches noon and everywhere, in between the glossy iced over pebbles and the boundaries of the mostly frozen stream, even ten stories up where the sun breaks through those thin proud pines-- there is the serentity of friendship and the absence of foreboding. This is stolen time when one moment falls and folds into another, telling a story that is all too real, and all too rare, to be remembered on common days.
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This is a day when the torch is put to rest and the brilliant light of friendship shines forth anyway. This happens in the presence of grace, which is the way that love works best. This happens when two people who know every petty detail instead look across to one another and whisper a prayer of thank you.
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This is a day when no words, no deed, no correction or diversion or direction is needed. This is a day when two friends walk arm in arm in the park and remember there is a reason they are safe in the world.

26 comments:

  1. Oh I love the way you write!!
    I am most happy to walk this tale with you kj.
    xxsm

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  2. kj she's a lucky person (I'm assuming it's a she) to have connected with you in such a way. Very lovely piece.

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  3. Great writing and now I am hook and want to read the next.

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  4. i'm walking beside you all the way...(who the hell is smarry?) i am overrrun with these comments too!

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  5. Hold onto these magical parts as long as you can KJ and try to let the more painful parts fall by the wayside.
    People come into our lives for reasons we may never know, but they usually come through when we need them or need to learn something from them.
    Maybe what you get to take away from this is you DID make it through to the other side alive. You still (in my opinion) embrace life fully and head-on. You have many gifts to give of yourself~writing,humor, tenderness, being a good friend and counseling all those troubled women and children whose lives you've changed. You have a big life Miss KJ, and this painful loss was just one blip on your screen.
    We're all here cheering you on and ready to pick you up if you fall again. Now it's up to you to choose to move on or not. Go ahead and give yourself permission.
    KJ, you're almost there. I see it.

    love, love,
    Lo

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  6. Lessons learned - but good ones. you were open and trusting. it didn't work out. sometimes it doesn't. but, you were yourself..and honest...and open and that is a blessing.

    lovely writing as usual.

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  7. I don't know you yet, but I do love the way you write. There is so much depth and texture and layers. I will be here to hear your story.

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  8. A bump in the road.
    A big one, but only a bump.You got through it,,and good for you for not trying to go around it!
    We are a sum of all the parts of the road, and you're a better person for having made it through.
    Carry on,,,,we're listening,,,,

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  9. sweetsweetmangomycrushstillintact: your compliment is much appreciated! and i appreciate that you will read this. thank you.

    barbara, thank you so much. i'm on my way to visit you. xo

    baino, tsup tsup.i love love love you. thanks for a very sweet comment.

    suki, mention the word 'hooked' to a writer and you've made her/his day. thank you!

    soulbrush, damn smarry, personalizing his/her comments no less! lo told me to delete the intruder for ever and i just did!

    lo, what you say here is so helpful and appreciated. but i don;t know how to respond to 'now it's up to you to choose to move on or not': i don't think i'm chosing not to move on. i wish it were this simple, but for me it isn't. i have a full life, i love and am loved. if i could push the 'permission' switch, i would.always, thanks for being my dearest friend and for caring about me. xoxo

    ready sully, thank you so much.

    babs, thank you. i'm not on the other side but at least i'm upright. and my heart is still thumping...xo

    mim, this is the message i need to tell myself over and over and over again. thank you for your words. xo

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  10. It has been about a year for me too and I still cannot let it go.

    I hate that.

    I love how you write.

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  11. Sometimes I wonder about the letting go. Guess I'm only starting to put one foot on the path.

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  12. I came here via the beautiful Tessa and I am loving every single word.

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  13. michelle, why do i feel such relief from your comment? i know why...because you understand. we're get through the worse part, we are. xo

    cs, what do you wonder? i'd be interested to know. xo

    yoli, welcome and thank you very much. i will stop by to visit you soon.

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  14. KJ, I too have been there. I can't even help myself very well, so I wouldn't know what to advise you even if you asked for my advice... The best way I've found to deal with it is simply not to think about it overly much. We trust people who we shouldn't have; we eventually learn that our trust was misplaced; and we move on. Trust comes less easy the next time, but maybe it came TOO easily before, and needed to be kept in more realistic proportions.

    I look forward the your next post.

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  15. snowbrush, a sincere thank you, my friend...

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  16. Words of wisdom from Snowbrush! I'm not sure I understand the nature of your-ex-freindship but I love the way you write and I'll tag along for the ride if that's ok! A friend of mine for 30 years went off with my ex...am still dealing with that one myself (even tho' I have a new husband, it was the friendship that I lost that has rocked me).

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  17. Just stopped by to say I love you.

    Night night.
    Lo

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  18. sag, you're not the only one who doesn't understand the nature of my ex-friendship, including me. your story is incredible, i would have laughed if it weren't about betrayal, which i think is the worse hurt of all. you seem to have a good attitude and another husband. seems to me you're doing just fine. xo

    lo, aaaaawwwwww. you best believe i love you too....

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  19. Hello kj - I will also stay the course over the next installments! Sorry that you've been so saddened by this episode - hopefully, writing it all down and sharing it is going to be cathartic for you.

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  20. reading but withholding comment until the end.

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  21. I am always happy to go where ever you may lead. Lovely post. xoxo

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  22. caroline, thank you. yes, it's time to hear my own truth. it's only mine, but mine it is.

    walking man, i like that about you.

    annie, thank you so much.

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  23. Somehow I always knew we had the same MBTI profile, KJ. I doesn't surprise me, it doesn't shock me.

    It is a fact of life that people come in to your life and they go as well. It hurts, but then loosing a loved one always hurts, doesn't it.

    Loss just seems to be a part of life.

    I must admit that your loss did surprise me, never would have thought that would happen, but then I won't pretend to understand or try to understand, I'm a man of course, so I come from another planet. I have a hard enough time trying to understand one woman, I'm not ambitious enough to try to understand two.
    My wife often says that she wishes she was lesbian, she would then at least have a partner who understands her and that she can talk to.

    I enjoy the way you write about your experience, I'm sure that is therapeutical.

    And I'm also sure that you won't give up on friendship, it is worthwhile, as I'm sure you realize.

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  24. Wonderful heartfelt writing!

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