Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Animal Wednesday: Emily's Advice to the Lovelorn.

Hello everyone, it's me Emily, here to make sure you have fun, learn how to cry from your stomach, roll down enough hills, and stop worrying about almost everything.
Would you believe that kj offered me $ 10 NOT to write my column this week?? She is writing some 3 part story that if you ask me is too sad and why write about that but she would tell you that is not the point at all and she is writing about loving someone even though she got hurt but everyone except kj knows that is ridiculous to try to be nice about it, that the best way to handle someone who has hurt you is first, to whine for attention, then if that doesn't work threaten to sue them, and if that doesn't work you should think about making sure their jellybean supply is reduced to almost none.
Anyway, would you believe I told kj NO! I am writing my column and she should pay me $ 10 anyway. kj is now thinking about what to do, knowing I could throw frozen peas at the window at any moment if things get too bad.
So this week I am going to answer questions from the lovelorn, as a followup to kj's 3 part story.
Dear Emily.

My name is Molly Rabbit and I am sad because my boyfriend Jeremy Applegate left me for a turtle. I had no idea rabbits would even consider dating turtles. Do you think I should try to get him back?
Thank you,
Molly Rabbit.
Dear Molly,
This race between the tortoise and the hare is one you should lose as fast as you can. Jeremy is a snake, which by the way has an extra set of problems. Stop being sad and steal some radishes instead, Molly. Then roll down three hills. Then tell Jeremy to get lost.
Dear Emily Rabbit,
Do you think it's okay to spend money on dressing up and buying clothes instead of buying jellybeans? I like to look good but I don't want the lack of jellybeans to cause problems later on.
Muffy Bunny
Dear Muffy Bunny,
I can see that you are very fashionable, but what exactly do you do with that fan? Anyway, I am sorry to tell you that if you do not maintain jellybeans in your diet, you may suffer from depression sooner or later. And Muffy Bunny, has anyone told you that you kind of look like a minister or something? Why not split your money between jellybeans and buy three flamboyant hats and leave it at that?

Dear Emily,

Is it right to have to wear this silly jewelry? You should see some of the necklaces I'm expected to put on.

Paul Pug

Dear Paul Pug,

NO! You should start whining and crying right away. If that doesn't work, don't forget to kick too. Even in Provincetown you do not have to look like this unless of course you want to.
Don't forget that you can also ask me for advice if you want because for the next week I will not charge you for my answers, but you may have to agree to do what I say because otherwise I would be wasting my time and why would I want to do that?
(Oh, and kj says still pray for Renee)


  1. I think Ms Emily makes a perfect agony aunt*!*

  2. Fantastic! Everyone should have an Agony Aunt like this. :-)

  3. dear ms emily
    i have a granddaughter called maggie and want her to grow up to be just like you. do you think thay is possible?
    ten ton tessie

  4. Yikes-a near miss-I was going to post today instead of Oliver-if I had done that, and then he read your post....*****shiver me timbers********

    He would say hello but his mouth is full of peanuts.

  5. Emily, it would appear that KJ is taking advantage of you by keeping from you the money she promised. If she didn't want to hear what you really think--and at your regularly scheduled time--she shouldn't have put you under contract. I would suggest that you Google "tort attorneys."

  6. Dear Emily- When you are love sick with no cure in sight, what should you do? I am thinking of eating a bag of jelly beans and rolling down 3 hills, do you think that will work?
    signed, Annie

  7. I'm covering my ears about the first one - too close! too close!

    And if we can swap chocolate for jellybeans, I'm good.

  8. psssshhh emily...i liked your advise to the lovelorn. So your grassroofed house is always there for no fretting...i rolled down the knoll 6 times today..lil dizzy but felt great.

    hugging you tight....praying for Renee...

    xoxox S

  9. I LOVE this Blog post...

    But I never have gotten my address on Blog land!

  10. I think I peed myself just now from laughing so hard.


    I have to check.

    damn! Catch you later you wascally wabbit ;)

  11. ms. bimbimbie, what in the holy moley world is an agony aunt?! besides i am too little to be anyone's aunt. i am barely a cousin.

    sagittarian, hello, i think we are meeting for the first time. don't listen to ms. bimbimbie. but thank you for saying fantastic.

    soulbrush and ten ton tessie, of course! does she need lesson in how to whine? cry? throw peas? kick? you could also teach her how to say 'bull!!!' very loud. that is a good thing to know.

    debra kay, it is not fair to take over oliver's column. i'm glad kj came to her senses about it concerning me. she's probably glad too because she says she gets a headache when i cry too loud.

    yours truly for now,

  12. snowbrush, what is a contract because i think i want one, right?please keep giving me advice because it's obvious you know what i'm talking about and i like that you agree with me because that is very nice and it's not my fault if kj thinks you should agree with her even though you don't.

    annie, that is a good start but i need to know more. first of all, do you cry from your stomach? do you know how to fall to the ground and cry and kick at the same time?
    what do you know about creative revenge? to be continued, meanwhile, just practice the stomach part and everything else.

    secret agent, you can substitute chocolate anytime. and don't forget a snake is a snake, not a rabbit or a turtle. that might help.

    sincerely yours,
    emilu rabbit

  13. sonia, do you mind pretending you are sick for a few weeks so i can convince my mother and kj that you need me and then i can move in and i will make sure you are rolling right and maybe i will show you how to hop on one foot or even how to say 'bull!!!' in the best way?

    pattee, you have to come to blogland lane so i told kj and she told debra kay, but you should be sure you send debra kay an email so she knows where to send you that information so you can move and then i will hop over to see you and maybe i might give you some free rabbit pellets. anyway hurry up okay?

    lololo, HAHAHAHAHA you are too funny. wouldn't you know so you wouldnt't need to check? anyway, if i made you laugh, i like that very much because it either says i am cute and funny or that you laugh at anything but either way i don't care because laughing is almost as good as cying deep and sometimes it's even better because you can enjoy yourself without making a big deal out of things and you know lololo, when that kid broke her arm because she walked by when i was kicking it was NOT my fault.

    mostly sincerely,
    emily r.

  14. Emily is one wise rabbit! I'll make sure to have jellybeans on hand now.

  15. Good grief. Get overwhelmed in the working world for four days and now I am complete lost!?!?!?!?

  16. Why Ms Emily I do believe rabbits are born aunties and uncles from the very moment they are born. It's what rabbits do best - have very very very large families and they start very very young ... so as I've been typing this, you've probably just become an auntie again*!*

  17. I loved it, excelent, so creative, you should write a book for kids, and grown ups with characters like that, it reminded me of the the of piglet book, have you read it, is very nice and have the lovely characters from winnie the poo.

  18. This post is awesome Emily. I really love how you have added pictures.

    Speaking of pictures, I receiveda lovely card with a lovely picture on it from your Mistress kj.

    Could you please give her a bunny cuddle from her moon sister.

    Love Renee xoxoxo

  19. dedene, do you know the difference between jellybeans and multi colored rabbit pellets? because i'm telling you for your own good, you probably should. you live on blogland lane, right? i might hop by.

    deborah, why are you lost? i'm sure it's not my fault, but if you need directions and you don't mind rolling instead of walking, oh maybe we could hop, i will try to help you.

    ms. bimbimbie, i am not an aunt. i am too little. really. i would have to be too grown up to be an aunt and i would not cry or whine so much if i were grown up, which is a reason i may just stay little.

    mariana, oh how i like you after leaving me this comment!! do you think i could write a book and become famous? i wouldn't mind....

    miss renee, are all those prayers doing anything? because if they're not i could throw myself on the floor and kick my feet very high while boohooboohooboohoohoo-ing and that might be better. i will tell kj what you said but i'm still thinking about the bunny hug.

    sincerely from,

    emily v. v. rabbit

  20. Hi Emily!
    Wonderful post and some great advices!
    Love that saying: Get lost!
    I have this movie now in my head of Jeremy lost in the woods trying to find his turtle............
    I would advice Molly to put Jeremy on the NeverComeBack Line!
    Good for you that you wrote your post! And hopefully get paid!

    HAW and love to you!!!!!

  21. These rabbits are darling! Someone commenting on my blog (Lydia) told me about blogland lane and said I should look into joining to share my tatting with blogland. I'd love to join if I can. :)

  22. Dear Paul Pug

    Get MY Tiara off NOW or feel the consequences.