GIVE ME A CLEAN HEART & A BRAND NEW START

The title of this post is taken from a song written by my friend and writing instructor, Nerissa Nields.

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After taking my Mother to the Emergency Room this morning for severe back pain of unknown cause,

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After visiting three nursing homes, one assisted living program, and one rest home;

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After limping around since October and having my surgery cancelled at the last minute due to an insurance safuu,

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After having that knee surgery 4 weeks ago, and still limping around, still feeling pain,

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After gearing up for Holidays that I normally love, and managed to pull off, but without true spirit,

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After the recent death of jb's Mother,

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After planning for jb's upcoming surgery this Friday that will bring her several weeks of serious pain and immobilize her for 4-6 weeks,

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After juggling every which way trying to decide the best temporary situation for my Mother while I care for jb during her hospitalization and beyond,

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After being unavailable and unable to help Jessica and Mike and Ryan when they needed it,

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After not walking Stella in Look Park, or anywhere else, really, since October,

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And after willingly sacrificing most of my privacy and free time for the last 10 weeks;

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After all this: I would think I am thrilled about closing down 2007 and welcoming in 2008.

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Except, I'm too concerned about all of the above to believe that the challenges will lessen anytime soon. Trying circumstances can show you a part of yourself that may or may not surprise you: in my case, I've been wondering if I'm handling things well or poorly. There are many days I feel totally overwhelmed and other days I feel put upon beyond my capacity. I' like to think I'm someone who's good in a crisis. I'm a good multi-tasker, and I know I can develop and implement plans for all occasions, but two bad knees, two Mothers, pain, holidays, lack of exercise and fresh air, loss of routine, real responsibility for the lives and care of others--jeez.

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I wake up each morning, start to smile, since I am a good natured morning person, but as soon as my sore leg hits the floor, or I hear my Mother's walker rumbling down the hall way, I know this is not the same reality I am used to--the one I kind of always liked.....

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This morning jb asked me why I haven't blogged about all this. I'm not sure: I thought my Christmas post a few days back was obviously more "reserved" than I normally am, but by the comments it seems I habitually manage to look at, and then communicate, the silver lining instead of the messy lint.

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What do I wish for in the New Year? Well:

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1. I wish my Mother ends up in a terrific rest home that she really truly likes. I wish it is so terrific that I will not feel that I need to visit her and manage her needs every day.

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2. I wish jb's surgery is behind her and she is easily walking with a renewed bounce in her step and renewed excitement in her heart.

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3. I wish exactly the same for me.

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4. I wish jb and I are able to see and support Jess and her family more regularly.

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5. I wish that Mr. Ryan brightens at the sound of my voice and giggles whenever he is with me.

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6. I wish this is the year I become published,

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7. And I wish whatever is published is viewed by myself and others with the same deep love that has inspired the writing all along.

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8. I wish my dearest best friend and I find it easy to hook up and hang out--here, there, and a surprise or two in between.

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9. I wish the next American President has the natural and acquired skills of communication, collaboration, and conflict resolution.

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10. I wish I will reclaim the body inside me and take better care of it.

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11. I wish I will return to work with the same passion and purpose I've always had.

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12. I wish I will learn to play basic guitar chords and accompany myself singing "Amazing Grace" and "When the Red Red Robin Comes Bob Bob Bobbin' Along"

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13. I wish I am the person I hope I am.

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HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!