A Retrospective

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Unmerited Grace

by kj

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It slides through the window—

an elongated ribbon

Carousing the room,

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A floating catapillar

With a mid air swish

Down the hall

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into and over the lazy couch

And busy stove;

Branches off blanketing

My footprints and car keys

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And even my worn sweatshirt

With the Arizona decal on it.

I’m showing up here!

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I’m trying to piece together

The cutting confusion

And the magnificent moments.

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Unmerited grace

Wraps itself around my ankles

Holding me in place

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When I fall short

And pushing me forward

When I know better.

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I’ve seen enough, really.

I know life can work when it doesn’t

And it can’t when it does.

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I know prime can’t assure admission

And good people die

When they should be sunning.

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I know all this

Only too well.

When that ribbon

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Of unmerited grace

Finds me spent and shaking

In the far end corner

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I could so quickly fold

like a dollar bill

Passed through too many idle hands.

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But I don’t fold.

I shake and shudder

And sometimes whimper

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From a place so deep

I can say

I’ve never been there.

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But I don’t fold.

Finally, I know enough

To appreciate

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The arrival of unmerited grace

In any form

And by any means.

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When I see it

Sliding through my window

Swishing down the hall

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Branching and blanketing,

I drop to my knees

And recite

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The only real prayer

I’ve ever known:

Thank you.
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Happy May-It-Be-Good Year....Love kj

About Love

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I planned to use this drawing by Brian Andreas to talk about what matters most as the new year approaches, but I did not expect I would also be acknowledging and mourning the unimaginable loss of Tessa Edwards. Once I am able, I will include some of her incredible art here on my blog, but for now I can only say how vibrant and talented she is ( I can't say 'was'), how much her compassion and friendship will be missed.

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And I cannot talk about what matters most without again asking for prayers for Allegra. She needs a miracle and I know the power of love and hope is strong here in our blogs.
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So what about love? I am surprised and honestly sometimes even annoyed when I am described as all heart. It's true I feel deeply, but I know well how to think and navigate my way in the world, and I don't hand out my loyalty and caring haphazardly.

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I have made mistakes in love. Who hasn't? I have failed and lost and lamented and to this day I can't understand the cause or the fault line. But as I age I know the importance of loving more, not less. Tessa has died and Allegra is critically ill. Renee is gone and my Father is gone and I know that life can change in a flash.

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Honestly, at moments when you may lose it all, what's more important than love?

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I cherish the people I love. There are those whose backs I have covered and I know they feel that way about me too. I can't imagine living without deeply and authentically loving them. But I've also learned that love is not just about people. It is about passion: doing good work, creating or building or learning or helping or doing for the sheer love of it.

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This is something I want to never forget. No doubt at all that sometimes life is rough and unfair and confusing and demanding and uncertain and unkind. Hearts break. There will be times and choices where hope is hard and bitterness beckons. But at the stillpoint love sustains and endures.

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In the new year I wish each of us some part and parcel of love: not just the receiving part, but the giving part, and the recognizing part, and the appreciation and acceptance part.

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This, I wish we will not forget.

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Love

kj

Allegra

I ask for your prayers tonight.

My friend Allegra is sick, her doctor saying she needs a miracle.

Allegra made her blog private a while back, I and perhaps a dozen of her friends from the blogs fortunate enough to continue to receive the blanket of her enormous wisdom and wit.

I will always believe it was Allegra who helped Renee the most, in how to live and how to die. I will always know it was Allegra who guided me past the darkest days when I could not understand that in some circumstance love was not enough. It was Allegra who in no uncertain terms told me the problem was not solvable and told me the problem was not me.

She still reminds me sometimes. Always, when I need it most.

I think time is of the essence. Please pray for the highest and best for Allegra. She will be welcomed by a full stringed orchestra in heaven if that is what is best, but I'd like to think she's needed here on earth for some time yet.

Always, thank you.

love kj

Snow Light Smiles GrowAsanta Pajamas & Cookies

santa in water is expected

to become a functional grown adult

in ten days
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Monster pj's need a little size adjustment

Martian pj's with sharkie slippers

Cookie dough finally used this very night:

how fortunate that the photo makes the cookies look

so much better than the reality

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This (most likely) concludes Christmas at # 9. I'm now leaning toward deep thoughts so it's possible I might start dispensing my own version of worldly advice before the new year rings in.

Oh Oh.....

Love

kj

Information Passed On

(Baby Drew & Mr. Ryan)

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Scene 1: The day after Christmas Mr. Ryan, Baby Drew, Jess, Mike, JB & kj finish a fine breakfast and are moving unexpectedly and quickly to avoid a normal two hour drive in an approaching snowstorm

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Jessica to Mr. Ryan: Ryan, you need to get out of your pajamas and get dressed.

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Mr. Ryan: No! (quickly escalates to whine and then wail) No! I don't want to go!!!

(ready to change whine to cry and while maintaining wail)

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kj Gram: Ryan, you have to go. You want to be home when it snows today.

(Mr. Ryan's interest is piqued):

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Mr. Ryan: Why Gram?

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kj Gram: You want to be safe and cozy with your family because we're expecting a lot of snow.

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Mr. Ryan: Where will you and bb be, Gram?

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kj Gram: Right here, Ryan. We''ll be cozy in our house and you'll be cozy in yours.

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Scene 2: Mr. Ryan cooperates with changing from his cozy pj's

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Scene 3: Mr. Ryan and bb, presumably in the kitchen shortly thereafter

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Mr. Ryan: bb, what's the snow?

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bb (understanding his question): There's going to be A LOT of snow.

Mr. Ryan: When it snows alot, does it rain too?

bb: No, it doesn't usually rain when it snows.

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From patience or love or both, another fact learned and stored. This is how it happens. This is why it's so important. This is reason enough to hang in and show up.

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To everyone, I hope the last few days were at the very least interesting.

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Love

kj

Peace on Earth

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Peace is not something to wish for

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but something to make,

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something to do,

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something to be,

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and something to give away.

♥

Let there be peace on earth

and let it begin with me.....

the happiest of holidays to every

precious friend and visitor

to my blog.

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love

kj

It Might Be Boring To Read What I'm Doing For Christmas But Here It Is :-)

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It's one AM on the night before the morning of Christmas Eve. I worked today, saw 5 clients, each time especially meaningful or charged today, this day just before Christmas.

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After work I shopped for groceries: tomorrow night will be stuffed mushrooms ( I bought them already stuffed), cheese fondue with french bread, salad, shrimp feta with rice, & chili cheese cornbread.

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Tomorrow JB and I will also make my Mother's recipe for homemade fresh raviolis. We have had 3 or 4 lessons from her over the years and we have the rough sketch of ingredients written down: eggs, flour, ricotta and parmesan cheese, cornmeal on wax papter to keep them from stickin.

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Tonight I made my Father's spaghetti sauce seasoned to perfection with fresh sausages from DiPasquale's sausage 'factory' (a little space outside of Boston) and my Mother's award winning recipe for meatballs.

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I am comtemplative tonight. Quiet. Alone. I am aware that I am not alone in the world--what love and support I have!--and I am also aware that in the last couple of years a part of me has dimmed. I know this because I live with a loss I never prepared for and in some core way(foolishly) still honor , my third Christmas of five when things were more apart than together.

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I am trying as hard as I know how to embrace this holiday and I am quite enjoying myself. I am connecting and appreciating, and although I am more cautious with love than it may appear, I am open and jubilant when I receive and give it.

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Tomorrow I'll be cooking and putzsing and dancing in the kitchen with my new apron on and I'll be putting red ribbons in final places. I'll LOVE the exchange of presents. JB & I will catch up in every way with our friends Mike and Clara and the four of us will continue catching up into breakfast the next morning.

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And on Christmas Day afternoon Jess and Mike and Mr. Ryan and (baby) Drew will come here to # 9 and we will nibble and open presents and play with the dogs and with flashlights and stickers and when it is dark and quiet we (sans boys) will sit down to a porchside candlelight meal together.

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This is my holiday life and I am determined to show up for it and set an example for myself of being calm and silly (and flexible) and not anxious and serious and rigid.

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By the way if you are reading this you may have no idea how much I have been influenced and uplifted by my blog and by my visitors here. I have been ripped apart in the blogs, but I have also been put together. I am part of a community here and that is one reason among many that I am going to show up and do my damnest to thrive, dimmed light or not.

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Happy happy everything.

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Love

kj

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Another Holiday Story: Three Friends

1. I spent today with a very special friend. For months on end she patiently held me up at my lowest, reminding me of facts, massaging and protecting my self esteem, and always she inspires and excites me with her art and talent and all around generosity. We live 100 miles apart but it is sheer pleasure to celebrate the holidays together, to catch up, break bread (well, more like salads and shared risotto), delight in our gifts to one another, talk, laugh, hug. This is one special friend; indeed, a best friend among friends, in every way that counts, and it always does.

(Ah, Lo ♥)

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2. She's exhausted, and yet she went out of her way last weekend to hand deliver to me two winter coats, two pairs of jeans, two jerseys, and ample warm socks. She bought them for a seven year old boy and his five year old brother. On her own she shopped for what she thought would be most helpful and she brought them to me so I could bring them to their father before Christmas. She is everything anyone would want in a friend: warm, steady, honest, kind, genuine, brave. She has had one hell of a year and yet her smile lights up a room. I am so glad she is in my life and I in hers. (Ah, Mim ♥)

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3. I arrived home tonight to find a package from the mail man, inside was another package wrapped in an antique handkerchief. The note said this was a token of friendship given to me because I would appreciate this wonderful gift where no others would. I unwrapped the handkerchief to find a tiny book, maybe 3 inches by 5 inches, a book of poetry by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. The tiny book has a publication date of 1881. It is so precious and priceless it took my breath away. I did not expect this gift from a friend so far away, who at the very least I follow with my heart and blessings and I think she does that for me too. I will cherish her gift to me always. TSUP!

(Ah, Sonia ♥)

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Again this holiday season I am aware of who is no longer here and sometimes I feel very sad about that. Sometimes I wish I could change the past. But living in the present is where I am and where I should be and the truth is I am surrounded by the most loyal and wonderful and loving friends. Today I am especially aware of how grateful I am, how lucky I am. Thank you.

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"If you have only one prayer in life,

let it be THANK YOU"

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love

kj

Animal Wednesday: Emily Rabbit & Holiday Critters

Hello everyone! It's me, Emily!!

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Where have I been?!

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That's a good question and some of it is a secret that involves me writing a column for the lovelorn (I'm not exactly sure what that word means but I think it means you have a problem and need advice).

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kj said I have to keep this short this week because no one has time to read. BUT my business manager Jos asked me what to do with her nephew who is going to stay up ALL night so he can SEE Santa in person.

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That's easy Jos: Benadryl or Tylenol PM. Mix it in a peanut butter sandwich or crush it up and put it in a little jar labeled "eat this fast for extra Christmas presents."

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See, this is the kind of advice I am going to give in my column. Pretty good, huh?

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Okay, so now I will show you some of the animals (well not all animals) that live at # 9 right now. I won't say alot about them, just a little:
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If you think it's bad that there is one ear and one nose missing, you should see one of the behinds!

kj says it's amazing what one clothespin and two cotton balls can do.

(Her name is Lucille)

Made by kj, who paid me to include this so her friend Marie Segal could see what she made playing with clay with a five year old boy who made a dragon who bit kj on the knee

Francine is never in a bad mood. Obviously there is something wrong with her.

This is Esther, little Mildred, and Angel Angel. Esther drinks too much during holidays so kj has hidden her broom so she won't pass out on the hall light again (it was embarrassing, even I thought so)

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Sometimes this makes kj and JB cry. This is their Rosie on top of the Christmas tree. I would tell you that she is squished this year if I weren't trying to be brief.

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I hope everyone has a happy holladaise. and of course peas on earth. Don't forget not to let anyone push you around. Tell them to take a long walk off a short pier if you have to get tough.

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Very Sincerely,

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Emily V. V.Rabbit

A 4 Step Holiday Survival Guide

I've borrowed this from Nerissa Nields who got it from her friend, Michele Woodward, Career Strategist & Master Certified Coach. Fa la la maybe, but just in case you are now finding the holiday anxiety revving up to third or forth gear, I think you might find Michele's advice helpful; if not helpful, then at least worth a smile or two.

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Says Michelle:

I wonder if you're heading into the coming "magical" Christmas week with slightly more than a teensy bit of anxiety? So much to do, so little time. A lot of moving parts, and moving people. Gifts to get, food to prepare, people to be polite to (it's that last part that's the real challenge, huh?).
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As Ricky Ricardo might say, "Ai, yi, yi, yi, yi".
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Four things. That's all you have to remember to not only get through this week, but to really enjoy it.
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1. Have no expectations. This doesn't have to be a Christmas to remember (great song, but sorry, Amy Grant). The more you push to make it "magical" the less likely it is going to be magical. You might have an expectation that the True Christmas Experience means handsome mother and father in matching Christmas sweaters sipping a hot toddy before the fire while their well-behaved children play quietly and reverently with their well-appreciated new toys. Honey, unless you live in Stepford, I don't think that's going to happen. Everyone has wild cards in their families. A puppy. Or toddlers. Or teens. Or Uncle Ralph. I'm just sayin'.
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If you're single, or newly divorced, or newly partnered, or newly widowed, holding this unattainable expectation of the fabled True Christmas Experience in your heart and mind will only bring you suffering. Drop it. Love what you've got. Oh, of course, recognize the learning in the yearning and work toward getting some of that - connection, belonging, love, perhaps - into your life another way. Maybe by volunteering at the food bank or mentoring a struggling reader. Remember: You can create what you want.
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2. Be present. I mean: when you're with people, look them in the eye. Participate in conversations. Help with the dishes. When you're checking your office email, or mentally checking off your to-do list, you're not really "here". You're "there". When you find yourself with alone time during the holidays, be equally present. With yourself. Feel how you feel. Pay attention to the book you're reading. Really taste your food. If you're present to yourself, you'll be a fuller person, and, voila!, much happier.
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3. Find the fun. Let's just say it out loud - the holidays are hilarious. You are making the stuff of family legends, folks. To tell you the truth, memories of the unintended humor inherent in Christmas gatherings can keep me going through the dark, cold days of February, like when Andrew ate potpourri, thinking it was a snack (priceless). Or, like the time my friend Karen and her family woke to the sound of "Crash (tinkle, tinkle, tinkle)" to find the Christmas tree had toppled, the ornaments had all broken and sappy tree water had run all over the gifts (OK, they laugh about it now). Oh, and remember that spontaneity can be an instant fun creator. Have a snowball fight. Or a margarita party. Dance. Do the Wii with great-grandma (I bet the old girl could nail Beatles Rock Band).
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4. Give generously, not reciprocally. Yes, this is the lesson Scrooge finally learned, and we all know it because we saw the Bill Murray movie. But times are still tough for a lot of people, and what matters most is that you be the kind of person you want to be this Christmas. Want to send something to your nieces and nephews? Go ahead, do it - even if their family can't reciprocate. And you don't have to give Things - you can give time. Trust me on this one, even teenagers appreciate it when someone makes time to listen to them. Give because you want to be a giving person.
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Oh, and don't forget to give something to yourself this year. I mean it - find a little something that will buoy your spirits, and give you joy. Wrap it up and put it under the tree. Or give it to yourself in a quiet moment of reflection. It can be as low-cost as the gift of a nap. Or as expensive as a new car. Choose what feels right. Because taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of others.
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When you hold Christmas in a clenched fist of direction and control, or focus on the keeping and settling of scores, it's a lose-lose-lose situation you're setting up. And you'll have a lousy week. So, lighten up. Relax. Enjoy. And sing along as great-grandma belts out "I Wanna Hold Your Hand."
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She's gonna nail it.

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Love

kj

One thousand & forty seven dollars

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What have you done, you lovely wonderful people?

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Earlier this month I asked for and began receiving donations to help a young high school student named Z.

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I said I hoped to raise $ 1000 so she could have an emergency fund to help with a place to live, food, clothes, & transportation while she finished high school and worked to start college next year.

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Thank you so much. Thank you so very very much.

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I hope you know how I feel to have received contributions FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, your hands & hearts reaching out, trusting me to extend your collective kindness to one child in need. I dis not simply receive money. It was so much better than that. I received love, caring, faith, hope, prayers, blessings. I felt every single wish and dream.

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I won't name names because not one of you helped to be applauded. You are all secret angels. That's what you are. It doesn't matter if you sent cash or prayers: it all matters equally.

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Yesterday my daughter Jessica and my son-in-law Mike asked me how close I was to $ 1000. When I told them, they smiled and Mr. Ryan, still age 3, handed me bills, enough to top my goal. They had cashed in their coin bowl and gave the proceeds to help Z.

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Oh my. My my. What amazing power we have together. I am humbled and grateful and surprised and delighted. I want you to be all that too. You deserve to feel like this too.

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Soon I will ask Z's school counselor to play this forward. It will be an anonymous gift from amazing people, with a few strings attached. Z will be required to work with an adult to manage the money, to set up an emergency fund, to use at least some of it for her immediate needs ( starting with a new winter coat).

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Thank you, thank you each of you. Please let this be a gift to yourself. We raised $ 1047.00.

But we raised more than money.

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We raised alot more than money.

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Love

kj

It Was a Good Day

Bright Lights

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The city of Springfield has a checkered history. It is the second largest city in Massachusetts and in recent years has carried the burden of poverty, struggling its way out of bankruptcy and federal receivership.

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And yet.....

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Its park has a Holiday Lights display that is spectacular. It takes almost a half hour to drive through, with one and then another themed light arrangement that glows and excites.

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Take a look:
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Lights are one of my favorite parts of the holidays and actually throughout the year. Some nights I light one candle and just sit and sigh, pondering and accepting my place in the game of life.

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Have I told you that I have strung the lights on our Christmas tree for the better part of 25 years and EVERY single year, either immediately or within a day or two, they do not work.?

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This year I swore I would throw the tree out the front door onto the lawn if they flickered and failed, and sure enough, in just over 12 hours, they flickered and failed. $$#@@@&&!!!!

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JB found the blown fuse tonight and the lights are back on. Until then, I didn't throw the tree outside but I did kick it and yell 'Fuck Damn' at it with emphasis.

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I'm my own bright light when I get going. :)

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Love

kj

Bittersweet Part 1

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It's not my style to be misleading. So I just want to say today that at least for me and I think for everyone there is often/usually/understandably a joy and sadness both around the holidays, and sometimes the sadness is hard to understand.

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I'm better off letting it be, continuing to do what makes me happy this time of year but not ignoring my feelings either.

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The house at # 9 is beginning to look like Christmas. Here's a quick evolving peek.

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look annie! (blissful bohemian)

two years ago, at age 92, my Mom strung this garland

from packaging cardboard

'There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept,

things that we don't want to know but have to learn,

and people we can't live without but have to let go.'

Anonymous

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Love

kj