A Poem By Many with Words Aplenty Here for a New Year with Cheer

A short while back I asked my blog friends and visitors to offer up some of their favorite words and I promised to build a poem from them. I've now done that, and I thank everyone who contributed. Just so you know where I started, here are the suggestions:

Babs: potpourri, facade, grace, freedom
Robyn: beautiful, madness, stories
Allegra: peaceful, graceful, helpful
Mim: chocolate, gifts, love
Chrisy: bliss, giggles, precious
Walking Man: credit card, environment, glutton
Suki: kindness, peace, kisses
Annie (Blissful Bohemian): askew, dazzle, sprinkle, Paris, joyous
Annie (Wine and Words): serendipitous, coincidink, fuck
Robin: Stars, glowing, chestnuts, sphere
Lo: persimmons, quietude, twinkle, gratitude, soft rain, billowy, friendship, acceptance, soft
Secret Agent: ginger, velvet, love
Anne: warmth, fulfilled, holiness, ethereal glow
Jos: joy, hug, bumblebee
Marion: patience, tweed, tussock, feisty
My own self (me): abundance, jubilant, mercurial

Here we go:

The stories I’ve heard
The chestnuts I’ve roasted
The ethereal glow
Of the patience I’ve hosted

Come along for the ride
The madness of joy
Just look at that tussock
And the grace we’ll employ

The road's built with freedom
The color of ginger
Fulfilled by bold bumblebees
And soft rain that will linger.

The stillpoint of friendship
Intersects at a giggle
Where warmth and kindness
Make a jubilant wiggle.

It’s an billowy challenge
Finding love and facades
Built with questions and quietude
Among all us bards.

You can’t stop the spheres
That soften the stars
Or the serendipitous patience
That carries you far.

It’s a fuck of a world
And a glutton of misses
But the credit card balance
Is velvet with kisses.

Go ahead—toss your faith,
Look downward askew
But don’t be surprised
To find potpourri when you do.

It’s best to be feisty,
Accept coincidink
It’ll warm your awareness
And change what you think.

Although mercurial
Love is like chocolate
You bite off a sprinkle
And you’re left to admit

That the melting's a gift
For behind the hard bliss
You’ll tumble and twinkle
Toward soft holiness.

Why not travel to Paris,
A persimmion road map in tow
On this hopeful first night
When the stars are aglow?

Let your gratitude beckon,
The environment’s right
Kindness will take you
Straight into that light.

It’ll dazzle your joy,
With tweed patterned grace
You’ll be well better off
Accepting this place

Among friends you can count on;
Their beautiful hugs
Will diminish the glutton
Of scoundrels and thugs.

Sign up for gratitude,
And acceptance ensues.
You learn that with love
You have nothing to lose.

Fail to trust if you dare
But I’m telling you straight
It’s a world of abundance
IF you don’t show up late.

Thank you! It was a blast to do this. Before I began writing I didn't know what the theme or emotion would be. Turns out this is an optimistic poem because that's what has been collectively created. That is how I feel about every friend and visitor to my blog. Blogging is one of my greatest joys. I thank you so much for all of it. I wish you the very best of a new year. Goodbye 2011, hello 2012. Be good to us all, please. Treat us kindly, let us love. Keep the joy a step ahead of the thumps and bumps and dumps and lumps. :^)
♥kj

Thinking

My laptop died last week. My novel and many of my poems are backed up. But so much isn't. Maybe I will be able to retrieve and transfer my hard disc, but if not, the words and thoughts of the past four, five, years are left to dwell inside me, locked away. Good thing I know my body doesn't forget.

Whatever has been lost, so much that matters to me is here on my blog. My friend and the friend of many Renee used her blog in the last months and years of her life to be sure her family would have a history to remember her in her own words. I know my Jessica reads my blog though she rarely comments. I wonder if someday Mr. Ryan and Drew and Logan will read these posts and stare at my images and photos and know something more about their Gram-Bam.

What is it about this part of the year that invites memories and with them a sadness in looking back?

Years back I had a friend, more than a friend if truth be told, who I have now spent the last three years doing my best to remember in the way I loved her most; not in the way I too remember the worse of her. I knew there were parts that were not kind, that were intolerant and mean-spirited, but along with her wild creativity and passion I accepted those parts too. No doubt she accepted some of my not-so-great parts too. But now, from time I read or hear some of the things she has said about me and about our relationship, and I do not escape emotions I cannot find words for. I never expected in my life to be vilified by someone I loved and who loved me. I have to laugh abit as I write this because without loss and betrayal there would be not one country and western song to sing!

It was I who chose freely. The lessons are mine to learn. I ask myself if I would rather lament and feel the sadness as I do, than steel myself and never look back? I don't envy another's choice to do as they do. But this time of year, perhaps because she and I had a few Christmases together, I find myself wishing her well. Which is something that would disgust her. Which is something that will probably disgust the people who know the story and want to protect me. I don't know what that says about me, whether I show strength or weakness when I hope for the best. And you know what? I don't give a damn.

I've been deep in thought today. No car, no travels. After weeks of hussle bussle, here I am with myself, thinking back, thinking forward. I don't talk about this subject very much anymore and I write about it even less. But here I am, asking a benevolent universe to bless us all. Not just some: all. Even You with your eraser who dared to call Stella "someone's dog."

love
kj

Afterwards

It's over. It's quiet. It's anticlimatic. It was good. It was fun.

My absolute favorite part was seeing my daughter and my Mother together.

My next favorite part was seeing two little guys enjoying every moment.

My favorite part after that was JB's shock when she opened an IPad (hello large screen Angry Birds)

My favorite part after that was hanging out with friends and family I love.

And my last favorite part was my own giving. I cared and I tried. I am happy about that.

Thanks to so many of you for your condolences about my dog Stella. How easy and common it is to know how it feels to lose a beloved loyal pet. I wish I knew she was okay without us. That's the hardest part about death, isn't it?--not knowing for SURE. I can only lean on FAITH. Sometimes that doesn't come easy. Please universe: take good care of Stella.

I haven't forgotten that I've promised to write a poem using favorite words. Meanwhile, I'd like to hear how you treated others during the last few days. Please take a look and if you don't mind, I'd like to know.

Happy almost new year. Fresh start, you know...love kj

Christmas Eve ♥

I wish so many wonderful people here, who mean so much to me, a blessed holiday and a new year filled with love and astonishment. For some reason I've been thinking about what it means to be alone, especially on holidays earmarked for 'family.' I look to my partner JB and I know she will be here for me, and I for her, for as long as the universe and destiny allow. I have loyal friends and I am a loyal friend. I know what that means too and I take comfort in it. I have a daughter I love more than life itself, and a son-in-law and little boys I adore. But I am also alone.

We are all alone in our own way. The rooms in our heart, as my beloved Allegra called them in her amazing gift of words to me in my prior post, are occupied by people, animals, experiences that move and touch and love us, that have taken up residence to teach and guide and comfort. And some of those rooms are vacated for the same reasons.

This holiday I promised myself I would appreciate what is. No longer lament what and who isn't. When I determined I would post frequently throughout the Christmas holidays I didn't know I would be grieving the loss of my beloved dog Stella. She died yesterday morning, in front of our Christmas tree, secure on her bed, her head resting in JB's hands, our trusted vet giving her a final cookie, her body relaxing into a comfort that had been taken from her. She died at peace. There is an empty space here without her. I am crying on a dime. But too I know she lives on within me and in the world and I have not one doubt that I am and will always be the better for knowing and loving her. By example Stella taught me lessons. Patience and acceptance for starts. I will wag my loyal tail to her for the rest of my life.

Ha! I also promised myself I would write only brief short posts that could be visited in a flash in a busy time of year. But here I am without my laptop, without my photos, without my Stella. So if you've read this all the way through, here's an extra smooch and tsup! for you. ♥

About being alone. Of course carrying the chores and witnessing the big and little moments in life are made so much harder alone. I don't mean to imply otherwise when I say life waits for the taking. It might be exhilarating, it might be heartbreaking, but it's all we have. Go give what you seek. I think that is what makes things right. So I wish you Merry. Lots of Merry.

Even sadmerry, which is where I am right now.

I have a broken heart and a merry heart all rolled into one. I didn't think that was possible.

kj loves stella xoxo

Stella

(this is sad)

She wouldn't make eye contact but when the shelter worker took her and us to a fenced in pen, she galloped and jumped up like a happy horse. We didn't know until later that for some reason she must have willed herself to do that, her with her broken back and still recovering from Lyme disease.

Stella was found by animal rescue on a rural street in a rural town. Most likely her owner had dropped her off somewhere around there and she had been lost for weeks, maybe several months. Before we took her home, the shelter told us she should be on a ltoeash because she was part hound, but in the seven years she has been part of our family, she has not required a leash at all. She stayed close and she obeyed when we told her to stop. She obeyed when we asked her to lie down. Or come. Or, although a bit reluctantly, to kiss.

She was around seven years old when we brought her home. She was stiff and obedient. For the first year she hid whenever she could, willing herself to be invisible. Slowly she began to let us touch her, to softly sigh when we massaged her body. Slowly she stopped being afraid of the men who came to our house, although with Jessie, our carpenter, she lay outside with him two feet from his buzzing circular saw. Maybe because she was more than likely tied outside most of the time, in her life before us, it was amazing to watch Stella listen and observe. She was quiet and patient, she did not rail against circumstance. She watched and she listened and she accepted. Slowly she came to ask for cookies and chicken and ear rubs. It took her six years, but finally she began to bark.

She perked up when we shook out sheets to fold. She loved nothing better than to be wiped down when she came in from the rain. We had bought her an orthopedic bed because of her back injury, and she settled into that bed with safe comfort. She did not know how to play with toys. She just sat in that bed and watched and listened.

We walked Stella most days in the park behind our house. She never managed the same happy horse gallop but when we reached the gate she came close. We'd walk a long mile and her tail wagged the whole way.

We learned about Stella's history from an animal psychic. She said Stella told her she was a loyal dog and she loved the man who owned her. She said she didn't know how she came to be on the streets alone. She said that was the past and she did not want sympathy. She wanted us to know it would take her some time but she hoped we would be patient because she would be a loving and playful dog.

Stella lost the ability to use her back legs about six months ago. At first she would stumble, later she would fall, and now she cannot walk unless we hold her elegant tail and accompany her outside. She's gone from shorter walks to no walks to room service meals bedside. But not just that. Her eyes are tired. She can't get comfortable. She still eats and loves her cookies and she has great joy when we rub her ears. But none of this is enough.

In a matter of hours her special vet, who will share our grief, will come to our house and we will say goodbye to our sweet Stella with her old soul and tender heart. I can't fathom it, really. All I can really know is how much we all love each other and that it is time.

I have no photo of Stella to offer up here. My laptop has died and I won't question why. I will instead tell you that this brown and black 14 year old dog with honest eyes has had half a wonderful life and she has appreciated all of it.

I want to believe that she, along with Rosie Girl, will be waiting for us in the world beyond worlds.

One more thing: it's Christmas and I am very grateful. I, whose emotions sweep me up like a high powered vacuum cleaner, want to appreciate the next few days, want to celebrate my family and the chances to love that I have been given. I love this dog and I know she loves JB and me. If I'm able, I will hold that fact very very close to my sad thankful heart.

love kj

Santa, Diamonds, & Friends with Benefits

Here I am again, still posting at high frequency until the end of the year. I apologize if I come across as too intellectual and high-browed in this post, but for some reason I'm compelled to address three very timely Christmas subjects: Santa the Man, unapologetic opulence, and friends with benefits (in this case, Santa)

The finale of this post is a video, but since words are a thousand pictures, first I offer you the steamy words of a steamy song. It's okay if you find yourself breathing heavily. Just leave room to be able to then click and listen to Ms. steamy Eartha Kitt singing this Santa Baby steamy song.

But first, ahem, aha, ha, the words:

Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me
I've been an awful good girl
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, an out-of-space convertible too, light blue
I'll wait up for you dear
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be oh so good
If you'd check off my Christmas list
Boo doo bee doo

Santa honey, I wanna yacht and really that's
Not a lot
I've been an angel all year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed
To a platinum mine
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, I'm filling my stocking with a duplex, and checks
Sign your 'X' on the line
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me
Boo doo bee doo

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
I don't mean a phone
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight

written by J. Javits and P. Springer

Ready for part 2 with melody? Here you go....


I hope you now have your priorities in order. You're welcome. :^)

love kj

Advice

It's a time of year when longings and memories and regrets can rear up and sometimes leave a trail of surprise sadness; sometimes a sadness that can't be rightly explained but there it is. I understand that. I'll bet everyone reading this understands too.

Feelings change. Relationships end. Hard winds blow. But after all, the sun always comes out again. It always does. Tonight I'm looking at a simple candle in a dark room. That is how I see hope. Even as it flickers, even unsteadily, the flame slices through the darkness.

So today, as Christmas and the beginning of a new year approaches, please accept the gift of hope. Please feel free to take as much of it as you'd like, because hope is something that multiplies every time it is accepted, and every time it is used. I know this for sure.

Love kj

Travelin'

First of all, please be aware I have a special edition of my side bar until further notice. I am going to thank everyone I love and care about. As much as I can.

Secondly, I hereby announce I have maintained my record for the 25th consectutive year of having the Christmas tree lights fail within 12 hours of getting them on the tree. They are now fixed, thanks to JB, and this year at least I didn't come close(r) to throwing the whole tree out on the lawn. But jeez louise...

I traveled this weekend. First, with not enough time, I packed up a few boxes of these cookies I've been making, I wrapped ribbons around some plants and pots I put together. I wrapped a couple of gifts. I drove myself 100 miles on the Massachusetts Turnpike and I took my 95 year old Godmother to her choice of a Mexican lunch, delivering to her an Amaryllis and our homemade glazed sugar cookies; I in return being given her homemade date and nut bread. I then visited Joe at the community residence where he lives. We sat in his bedroom and he showed me some papers and some possessions he was proud of. I am his unofficial case manager and he rewards me with a $ 100 gift certificate every Christmas and we had a cup of coffee at a local diner. And then JB and I went to a holiday party. That is where the pictures above were taken, a house so beautifully decorated for Christmas.

And then, late Saturday night into Sunday, at Jess's, with my family. Today JB and I and Mr. Ryan and Drew went to the Muppets movie. This was Ryan's second movie and we were not sure Drew, who is only two, could sit still for two hours. We had a BLAST. It was great. I love these kids. Love love love love them.

This is where they live:

Drew

& Logan, welcome Mr. 4 month old ♥

I am not sitting still in my desire to have a GOOD holiday season. In the last few days I have had some pangs of longing, of missing, of piercing sadness. But that is the past and I cannot change the past or will it forward. I am more and more aware of how precious time is, my one precious life, so I am taking the very hopeful tact of appreciating. participating. accepting. noticing.

and, I remind myself:...being Astonished.

Love kj

A Little Help From My Friends

I want to thank a few friends today. Some read my blog, some don't. I'm thinking of certain people tonight because I am aware of how much of my own creativity I have put into this holiday season. I have made gifts, scribbled and doodled with colored markers, decorated cookies, shopped for just the right message. I'm handing out presents that mean something to me and I'm proud to be the giver. I wouldn't be here, wouldn't feel that way if I weren't influenced and supported by the most creative energizing folks.

This list is not inclusive--there will be more--but for now, thank you, you guys, so much for igniting my passion:

Lo (Studio Lolo): I start with her because she feeds my need for security as well as my hunger for artistry. I love watching her draw, the way her hand moves. I don't tell her she is my best friend but sometimes I think it.

Heather: She's heard it all. Her way is calm and her advice is practical. If something should happen to me, it will be her who sorts through my papers and journals, making sure none of my words have the potential to hurt anyone.

Marion: My spiritual friend who speaks in a language I lost for a time when my friend Willa died. It is such a gift to understand, to be understood.

Lori: My most special friend who sees the world like no one else I know. I strive to be a better mother, a better grandmother, a better photographer, a less emotional wad because of her. I don't think she knows.

Marsha:She is there for me every time. I love that she lives nearby and I know I can count on her for anything. And I return that love and loyalty, which makes me proud of myself.

Marianne: I marvel at what she does with watercolors and circles. She is practical like Heather, steady and open and worldly. She must hold those brushes with such care and patience.

Anne: Who could resist brave uncensored spunk? Not me. Anne has found herself with a battle with %%$#@ cancer and she is approaching the challenge of it with humor and faith. I am in awe of her. She and I have a strange history and we've made lemonade from that history. ♥ Anne.

and finally:

Mr. Walking Man: I know you will be surprised to find yourself here, Mark, but your cynical observing take on things, and your insistence that life be equitable, always makes me think. Plus you make me laugh my ass off sometimes. I probably shouldn't say this, but I like to think I'm good for you.

We don't say thank you enough to the people who make life full, don't you think so? So tonight I'm saying thank you to my friends, most most sincerely.

love kj

Holiday Mish Mash

The top of my Christmas Tree

My current favorite house in Provincetown.

the drag queen fundraiser (fabulous)

thank you robin, so beautiful

my thank yous to the support staff at work

i am in love with my kitchen

JB's making Christmas presents

(small enough for a cell phone and cash)

more cookies than i expected! i made them to share

but JB & i keep eating them :^)

the tree

the tree

and one more thing I am grateful for....

where would i be without my friends here?

love kj

A Lovely Holiday Story: The Courtship of Mr. Turtle and Ms. Strawberry

For Marja: hee hee

As was his way, Mr. Turtle took his time strolling through the garden. When he came upon Ms. Strawberry, he knew she was the one.

"She was so soft and plump," he told his cousin Thomas, "and her scent was so sweet and intoxicating."

They fell in love immediately and within the month they were married.

They spent their wedding night under a sturdy Oak Tree, using lettuce leaves for their blanket, warm moss for their matress, and two grapes for their pillows.

"Do you mind?" Ms. Strawberry asked him: "I like it slow."

"No problem there." Mr. Turtle said confidently.

The End.

Orange It's Time?

Thank you Marja

I peel off the parts that don't fit anymore

And carry them.

I might want them back some time:

maybe when the winds blow

I will want my leaden feet

to hold me in place, no cause to roam.

Maybe if the smoke alarm sounds

I will welcome the way I cover my face

and stop breathing until I'm home again.

Maybe I may even reclaim the way I shake my head

when I fail to understand, no sense of any of it.

But not now.

Now, lighter serves me better.

My skin's exposed,

I could be scorched.

But much better to be peeled from the outside

Than from within.

Work

Oh the challenges of being a therapist this time of year.... :^)

love kj

Words

Help!

I have a hankering to write a holiday poem but I'm looking for good words.

Not just any good words. Favorite good words.

If you will tell me three or so of your favorite words, I will do my best to weave them into a poem.

Then we can say we wrote a holiday poem together. In my mind that's a nice thing to do as one year ends and another begins.

I'll give you a start: one of my favorite words is abundance. another is jubilant. and just so you don't think I'm a goody-two-shoes, I'll add mercurial.

Share as many words as you want. In a few days I'll start writing. tralala for now.

love kj

Just in Case...

attibution unknown

I'm here again, until the old year falls away.

Posting encouragement today.
I have a feeling something here
may tap your shoulder or catch your ear.
It's not the easiest time of year
for holding on to what is dear.
But here we are in early December
Ready to forget & ready to remember!
Love kj

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. ~Author Unknown

Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning. ~Ivy Baker Priest

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~Henry S. Haskins

If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. Flavia and the Dream Maker

If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

We acquire the strength we have overcome. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. ~Garrison Keillor

Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are. ~Arthur Golden

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom

I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing. ~Agatha Christie

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

When written in Chinese the word "crisis" is composed of two characters - one represents danger and the other represents opportunity. ~John F. Kennedy

Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant. ~Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus), Satires

The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt. ~Max Lerner

Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us. ~Rainer Maria Rilke

I have woven a parachute out of everything broken. ~William Stafford

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.Some come from ahead and some come from behind.But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!~Dr. Seuss

Never cut what can be untied (source unknown but kj says it all the time)
Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around. ~Buddy Buie and J.R. Cobb

Never give in... never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force... never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy. ~Winston Churchill

Well? love again, kj

Outside Myself

I mentioned in my last post: I hope to post regularly this month, sometimes even daily. It will be my way of offering my colors and words, some light and some serious, in a season that already has a wide range of senses and meaning. I hope by coming here for the next few weeks you may join with me in feeling less alone and more important.

This is a fifteen minute video recommended by my friend Wieneke. Fifteen minutes during the busiest of seasons?! Yes. It is fifteen minutes that left me with a GIFT. It's easy to get absorbed by memories and traditions and regrets and families and demands during this time of year.This fifteen minutes pulled me outside myself and it is a gift I am now giving to you.

The thing is, awareness is a huge step in change. Just knowing, feeling, caring is a start. A gift to you. A gift from you.

See what you think. CLICK HERE:

http://www.volkskrant.nl/vk/nl/2726/Binnenland/video/detail/3056240/TEDx-Amsterdam-Mabel-van-Oranje.dhtml
love kj

Life

This group
started here

in memory of people who have died

from AIDS ...walking along Commercial Street to the Unitarian Church where people wrote out the names of someone they had lost and hung those names on ribbons, altogether, alot of names.This is International AIDS Day and the disease has not yet been conquered, not at all. JB and I hung the name of JB's childhood friend, Doug, who was handsome and scholarly and kind and made some reckless choices.

Gosh, I feel comfortable here in Provincetown. This is a tiny community in the off season, 3000 people. I'm surprised that I go places here and someone knows me. JB and I are connecting with friends. I like it here. Taking this week off has been a godsend, a very smart idea. It is going to make a difference in how prepared I am and how I experience the holiday season.

I'm showing all these pictures to get my friends and visitors here in the mood even if you don't want to be. What the heck, come here for a minutes and pretend that you like all these lights and season festivity. What do you have to lose? Actually I'm thinking of posting frequently through Christmas and maybe New Year's. And not all photos. Sometimes just words. Deep thoughts, even, maybe. Come along with me this holiday season, if you'd like: I would like that. xoxo
There will probably be lights for the next few days. There's just so much light here to see. But don't get me wrong: there are 'darks' too, life is not always a bowl of cherries for me even if I make it look that way, but right now I'm experimenting with not giving the darks much attention. :^) Love kj