Just Thinking

I see I do I will I can

I ponder yonder greet a conder

Saunder wander even launder
I wonder plunder look asunder

Look for grace
Stand in place
Erase and face

All because I can

I'm sad about my blog. My six year dopamine high from sharing and supporting and connecting across the world has been lessened by Facebook, Twitter, and other social media I don't even know of. I don't have as many friends and visitors as I used to; even this image, which I think cleverly says a lot, was pillared from Facebook. I want more attention and more give and take here. There, I said it; words that begin change.

I am still writing poems again. I'm happy to say this one is optimistic and I like it. I'm at a funny place. For real reasons JB is having a difficult time and sometimes so am I. But I seem to be handling things more easily and with less angst and worry. I keep thinking that I have so much good going for me that I'm smart to keep that fact near and dear. 

I also have the luxury of looking ahead. Last year was not easy: my friend Anne died; JB and I had protracted months of financial worry; my Jess and I had a terrible breakdown (the worse of all of it); I had months of knee surgery and rehab; I had to bring my Mother to a nursing home; my brother-in-law died. And more if I think about it.

But there was joy too. That, I find, is how life tends to be.  Even in the darkest moments, little joys can slip in. JB and I bought ourselves a house in Ptown; Jess and Mike had their darling baby girl after all; I no longer work on a schedule; I have good friends; my heart got stronger; I delight in my grandkids;  my Jess is happy; JB and I are rekindling; my Mother is doing well. 

I'm rambling. This post is probably written by me for my own indulgence. But heck, on our own blogs, we say what we want. That's the point. 

But the poem: did I tell you l like this poem? I hope you do too. 

And to end at the beginning: I hope you take a chance. Or two. I hope you do.

love

kj

You Tell Me

taking the long way around but coming back to words that want to sing….

love

kj

you tell me.

the shuffled whisk of approaching rain,

leaves lifting and swirling in slow motion wind,

how her chin lowers when your voice shakes,

waves thrashing your stones and worries and

pulling them to the sea, 

his tender heart searching futily until

it’s easier to look ahead than back,

savoring the near orgasmic center of the artichoke,

watching the fire crackles in the pitch of night; 

you: when destiny calls.

me: when happenstance delivers.

You tell me this is not the way miracles appear

and I will tell you

to look again.

The Return of the Poem

Okay: I wrote a poem. Finally. And I hope to keep writing poems. Again. If you don't know, Dr. Seuss is my mentor. Not always, but I'm happiest when I feel like the Cat in the Hat. 

For now, though, my attempt to reclaim my poeting self :^)

love
kj

how long has it been since i’ve written a poem?

you can tell i have shriveled just from my tone.

colors and words once flowed whirlpool style

swirling and twirling in warm water, compiled

then shimmered and bent square and round--

words gleeful and soulful with riotness sound.

what happened? don’t ask: hearts were involved

perplexions and questions not mine to solve:

some that took flight, one left at the door,

but surely my muse had stayed with me before.

so what reason befell that led me to flee? 

i guess the deep water was too much for me.

i stopped trying to float and tucked away passion

 knowing a poem must be ripe for the asking.

now am i back? well maybe, we’ll see

but dear god, let the words that come at me be free.

let me crystallize colors from land sea and air

let me be honest when I do or don’t care.

for what else is a poet--the truth must be told

less a fate worse than death: empty colors gone cold.

A Retrospective

  

Fare thee well, 2013. You weren't the easiest year, but I admit you kept it interesting. You pushed me to grow and grow up in many ways, some exciting, some difficult, all important. You forced me to  learn and wrestle with myself, my relationships, my world.

I learned that my first cup of coffee and twenty minutes of solitude first thing each morning sets the tone for my day. I learned that I am calm when I allow this time and unsettled when I don't. So now this is my morning practice.

JB and I are spending more time in  Provincetown and have begun to think about moving there full-time. Even now I walk along the side streets and am overjoyed by its quirky quaintness. And by the sea. 

For a reason I can't explain, in the past year I began to care less about myself and my stubborn ways and more about people and circumstances outside and different from my comfortable life. I understand kindness and generosity in ways that now leave me feeling proud of myself.

 More and more I notice buildings and dwellings of all kinds: the little store in Provincetown, the darling house JB and I still cannot believe we managed to buy. Never in our wildest dreams, but somehow we pulled it off. We are happy in this house and I think that will always be so.

And did I ever think gay rights would be commonplace? Never ever did I think that. And yet in America homophobia and barriers are crumbling, state by state. Not so everywhere, but if progress is measured in inches, this is miles.

And a little boy named Drew believed his new green sneakers had the power to make him faster. I am  touched--make that transformed--by the children in my life. May I hold on to them for all of my life. 

In 2013 I learned the deep and true value of friendship and the comfort of memory.  I was deeply hurt a few years back--some but not all of my own doing--and I now know none of us is perfect. I more easily and graciously and gratefully accept my  friends as they are, and I can ask that of them in return. 

No gun control in 2013? After 26 children gunned down in Newtown, Connecticut? Shame on my country for this. We Americans will learn this lesson the hard way. 

In July a baby girl was born. And I will never forget the joy when her brothers came to the hospital to meet her. Hello Reese. We welcome you with unlimited love.

I learned I love elephants and I joined in efforts to protect them. Did you know that young elephants do not leave their mothers until they are sixteen? So when circuses snatch them away for human entertainment when they are barely three years old, they and their families moan inconsolably. And of course you know elephants learn to sit and stand on their heads and do tricks only through subversive painful training. Boycott circuses. They are bad. 

In July too at New England Baptist Hospital I had my left knee replaced, with titanium. No minor surgery, a long rehab, though I've done very well. But  I still don't walk right. The knee is coming along but I have hip and back problems. I am aging.  I am aware that I am aging. I'm not sure what to do about this except I know I have to attend and care better for my body. Not easy. 

 Sadie died. First our Stella died and then Jess and Mike's Sadie died. We will never forget. 

And my wise cracking, good advice giving, dear dear friend Anne died. With total grace. I met her here on the blogs and  it mattered not one bit that we had never "met" in person.  I miss her even more than I was prepared to miss her. 

 JB and I gave Chase back to Greyhound Options, from whom we adopted him. We couldn't make it work. He was unhappy and aloof. He is now in a home with three other greygrounds and though he is still aloof, he is familiarly home. This was painfully hard for JB and me but I know it's been the right decision. We will always love and bless you, Chase. That much is certain.

My daughter's family and my grands: three boys and now a baby girl. My Jess is married to a very good man. I think it is true that a parent is only as happy as her children. I am so thankful. 

I replaced my camera before year's end. Oh Provincetown: you make it so easy. 

And finally, this last year I bathed in the love of family. Jess. JB. My Mom, who will turn 98 in two days.

And Me: some things don't change. Still Wondering, Still Raw, Still Grateful, Still Wise, and Still Ready. 

The world is not as kind as I wish it to be but the kindness around me is huge. I hope I keep my end of that bargain, no matter what else. 

Happy New Year. May be a good one in all ways large and small.

love

kj