Ah Yes

Funny thing, how gratitude seems to work.

I am thinking through the lens of gratitude more and more; thankful for what is and not spending a lot of time lamenting or worrying. It is definitely an easier way to be.

This is my approach for the holidays. So far so good.

Love
kj

Weekend Mish Mash

I am back in Provincetown. JB and I pass this scene merely driving from one place to another. I don't know why the gulls and ducks were so active today: I don't know this because I have ALOT to learn about the sea. 

I do know that light bounces off the water in the most stunning ways here at the land's end, and the skies are almost always spectacular. I always think of my Mother when I look up because she never fails to comment on the sky and the clouds. 

The only time she ever flew with me, probably only the second time she ever flew anywhere, she looked out the plane window to the clouds below us. In total innocence and amazement she said,

"I never knew they were two skies."

Several people nearby on the plane smiled at us so sweetly. I remember that so clearly.

  This little girl named Reese will be in my life for the rest of my life. There is not a word for how delighted I am every time I see her again. She is now four months old and I still think she is an old soul. And as happy as I've ever seen a human being be. Her brothers crawl over her, kiss her sometimes even roughly, hold her on the couch while they eat popcorn and watch tv. She has great parents and great brothers, just for starts in life. All the difference….

And finally, tonight, I am officially into the holiday season. Be prepared when you visit here that I might be talkin' holiday. The last two days JB and I have been shopping. I am not normally a shopper, not one bit. We went to Target and made very fun choices in the toy department. Got my mother a soft sweater. Bought some shiny fake christmas branches and berries and leaves to put in the window boxes in in Ptown. That will happen tomorrow. Instant decorating: my favorite kind. 

I would like to have a gift away. But I don't know what I have to give away. Please help me with suggestions. I am serious. :^) Heck, I might give you something just because you helped me give something away.

What I really think of the holiday season is as always I am concentrating extra hard for a month to reach out, love out loud, count blessings, and bake cookies. 

You are each certainly invited along.

love

kj

Ready or Not

I love Christmas even when I can't.

I love the music, the scents, the lights, the gift giving (more than the getting), the baking and cooking, the get togethers, and an internal satisfied feeling inside me that switches on every year just before Thanksgiving.

Last May I stopped my work of five years; for the first time in my adult life, I would rely on a government social security check and no longer let income factor into most things I might choose.

In July I had knee surgery and all summer into fall I've been (re)learning to no longer hobble.

This week I went back to work, of sorts. I will consult for an industry where I feel at home and am regarded and respected. And in minutes I will leave for a board of directors meeting whee I have been invited to serve for the rest home where my mother lived for five years.

I am toying with developing personal growth workshops (again), maybe held in Provincetown with JB and I arranging accompanying meals for 8-10 people at a time.

I am well behind finishing my second book but it must not yet be time.

I now have four grandchildren ages six and under and I find that a blessing and a responsibility.  I am indescribably grateful for each of them. And for my Jess. And for her happy marriage to a good man.

Tonight I will write out a list of people I want to see during the Christmas holidays and experiences I wish to have. I am more ambitious this time of year: I design our holiday cards, I bake and decorate cookies and miniature cakes, I write, I shop, I putter, I straighten out my desk. 

Picture that my current life became a blank canvass early this summer. All of the above is filling that canvass with color and form and placement. Don't get me wrong: I'm unsure as much as I'm hopeful. I'm sixty six years old; I feel much younger; I feel wise and sure footed; and I know things could go very wrong in a flash. I know good people get sick and sometimes die. 

These nights I am falling asleep with reason to worry and reason to exalt. That's the way it is. And unlike my past selfs, I am thinking less and ambivilizing (my own made up word!) less. I have time to use in a different way, without a fixed schedule and with advance thoughtfulness.

So not tonight after all, but tomorrow, I will write out my hopes and plans for my holiday. I'll start with cooking a turkey and making an apple pie for Thanksgiving. 

I'll remind myself to think less and live more. I will say thank you even if that simple act is in reality not quite so simple.

love

kj

Chase & Us

I haven't been able to write about this.

This is the last photo I took of Chase, before we turned him over to a very kind man and his wife and their three greyhounds and one son, in a process called 'surrender.' They will foster Chase until another family wants him. They may end up keeping him as their own. We hope so.

That is what we did: we stopped trying and surrendered. My ego wants you to know I have never given up on a dog and never returned one.  We did try. 

Too many things didn't work: Chase began to howl several times a night. JB does not do well woken up like that every night. He hated going to Provincetown: he willed himself not to leave the house for up to 24-30 hours and he was traumatized being there even days afterward. Most days he slept most of the time and rarely got us to greet us. We weren't sure how much we mattered to him. His teeth are in bad shape and sometimes he wouldn't eat. 

We got his seizures under control but sometimes he would startle or freeze and we sometimes noticed a thick siliva from his mouth. We really questioned, and maybe still do, a head injury as a result of a known collision on the racetrack. He needed five pills two times a day, we arranged an animal communicator to 'talk' with Chase; she told us he is in too much pain to care much about us. 

He stopped going on walks. He was not happy. Nor were we. 

We are relieved. That's the truth. I try not to think about Chase too much right now. We've talked to the very nice man about once a week and he tells us Chase is doing great. He says and we agree that he needs to be with other dogs. A highlight of life at the track was greyhounds together as a family, even though they were probably in crates a good deal of the time. 

He told us last week that Chase has just been diagnosed with Cups disease; horrible inflamation and infection in his mouth. All his teeth will be removed next week. 

We feel terrible about that. The very nice man says he has seen greyhounds without teeth before and that Chase will be fine. 

JB is not ready for another dog. Probably I'm not either. In time, that will change. I have vowed to do my part in rescuing dogs as much as I can in life. It's tough to admit that we were not able or willing to do what Chase needed. But it's the truth. He is back with his greyhound family and we are glad for that.

Love

kj