Monday, December 31, 2007

GIVE ME A CLEAN HEART & A BRAND NEW START

The title of this post is taken from a song written by my friend and writing instructor, Nerissa Nields.
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After taking my Mother to the Emergency Room this morning for severe back pain of unknown cause,
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After visiting three nursing homes, one assisted living program, and one rest home;
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After limping around since October and having my surgery cancelled at the last minute due to an insurance safuu,
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After having that knee surgery 4 weeks ago, and still limping around, still feeling pain,
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After gearing up for Holidays that I normally love, and managed to pull off, but without true spirit,
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After the recent death of jb's Mother,
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After planning for jb's upcoming surgery this Friday that will bring her several weeks of serious pain and immobilize her for 4-6 weeks,
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After juggling every which way trying to decide the best temporary situation for my Mother while I care for jb during her hospitalization and beyond,
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After being unavailable and unable to help Jessica and Mike and Ryan when they needed it,
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After not walking Stella in Look Park, or anywhere else, really, since October,
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And after willingly sacrificing most of my privacy and free time for the last 10 weeks;
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After all this: I would think I am thrilled about closing down 2007 and welcoming in 2008.
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Except, I'm too concerned about all of the above to believe that the challenges will lessen anytime soon. Trying circumstances can show you a part of yourself that may or may not surprise you: in my case, I've been wondering if I'm handling things well or poorly. There are many days I feel totally overwhelmed and other days I feel put upon beyond my capacity. I' like to think I'm someone who's good in a crisis. I'm a good multi-tasker, and I know I can develop and implement plans for all occasions, but two bad knees, two Mothers, pain, holidays, lack of exercise and fresh air, loss of routine, real responsibility for the lives and care of others--jeez.
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I wake up each morning, start to smile, since I am a good natured morning person, but as soon as my sore leg hits the floor, or I hear my Mother's walker rumbling down the hall way, I know this is not the same reality I am used to--the one I kind of always liked.....
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This morning jb asked me why I haven't blogged about all this. I'm not sure: I thought my Christmas post a few days back was obviously more "reserved" than I normally am, but by the comments it seems I habitually manage to look at, and then communicate, the silver lining instead of the messy lint.
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What do I wish for in the New Year? Well:
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1. I wish my Mother ends up in a terrific rest home that she really truly likes. I wish it is so terrific that I will not feel that I need to visit her and manage her needs every day.
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2. I wish jb's surgery is behind her and she is easily walking with a renewed bounce in her step and renewed excitement in her heart.
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3. I wish exactly the same for me.
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4. I wish jb and I are able to see and support Jess and her family more regularly.
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5. I wish that Mr. Ryan brightens at the sound of my voice and giggles whenever he is with me.
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6. I wish this is the year I become published,
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7. And I wish whatever is published is viewed by myself and others with the same deep love that has inspired the writing all along.
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8. I wish my dearest best friend and I find it easy to hook up and hang out--here, there, and a surprise or two in between.
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9. I wish the next American President has the natural and acquired skills of communication, collaboration, and conflict resolution.
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10. I wish I will reclaim the body inside me and take better care of it.
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11. I wish I will return to work with the same passion and purpose I've always had.
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12. I wish I will learn to play basic guitar chords and accompany myself singing "Amazing Grace" and "When the Red Red Robin Comes Bob Bob Bobbin' Along"
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13. I wish I am the person I hope I am.
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HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

21 comments:

  1. Hear, Hear! I hope for you and us that these things come true! I have a very hard time writing about my personal thoughts and feelings. I was brought up to now talk about yourself much, that it is self absorbed so blogging has been a struggle for me in that way. We were not allowed to toot our own horn so to speak but to be in action instead. I feel comfortable showing my art and making comments on other peoples blogs. I'm glad that you shared and wish i could be more like you. Yer great! Here's to a brand new start my dear, Have a loving, less stressed, painfree, open, creative New Year!

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  2. My dear KJ -- having been in your presence while you were dealing with many of these bumps and potholes in the road ... I can safely say that you have been doing an amazing job of it all ... be gentle with yourself and my '08 wish for you is for many moments of peace, inspiration, laughter, healing, and love. And may R find just the right spot to live, and JB have a swift-healing and successful surgery. My love and best wishes to you all! Remember ...as you told me ... this is THE year! :)

    xoxo

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  3. My best wishes to you all, KJ.
    I wish we lived closer, my son could help you out with the guitar.
    He claims you can learn to play practicing 15 minutes per day.
    He does a lot more, but then he went from nowhere to performing on stage in 2 years time :-)
    I'm sorry to hear about having to take your mother to the ER, I hope she gets well soon.
    I wish you and JB the best of health as well. I guess the 3 of you are keeping the health services alive in the states.
    Anyway, all the best, and I hope all your wishes come true.

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  4. WHAAAAAA look at all the new posts I've MISSED! Better start reading them .... :)

    HAPPY NEW YEWAR KJ!!!!

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  5. I wish all your wishes come true in 2008 KJ :)

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  6. KJ, I wish you and yours all the best in 2008...I started 2008 walking with a cane/crutches-it really is hard moving into a new year with pain and upcoming surgery. But, I'm here to tell you I did, and you can too.

    You know this, but I'll remind you that it's important to share how you feel about the Mom issues with friends-feeling tired, and needing a break in no way diminishes the love you feel for your Mother-and your friends know that. I hope I am one of your friends.

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  7. Dear Kj, I wish all of that to you, too.
    I believe physical inconditions can be such hardship that they wear down the strength you normally display throughout rough times.

    All the best for you and your family!
    Cris

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  8. Dear KJ - You've had so, so many challenges! I am certain that you have gotten past the midpoint - at least - and things will start to get better. I wish all the things for you that you wish for yourself. You are so full of love and kindness, and now the universe needs to reflect that back on you. May this New Year be full of health and happiness:> xoxo - Carla

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  9. I wish all those things for you, too. Good luck to JB in the surgery and recovery and to you and your Mom in finding her a good home that eases your load. The best of New Year's to you.

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  10. I too have seen you handling your load with grace and dignity. I wish away all of your pain, and want all the good things to have room to move into your life. You and JB are so specail and deserve all of the happiness life can send your way. Happy New Year to you all.

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  11. val, your art says so much! yer great too.

    melissa, i hope i look back and think mostly that i was kind even under stress. thanks.

    peter, the three of us are our own orthopedic unit: one walker, one crutch, one cane! finally, i'm doing better. and thanks for your warm thoughts as always. i look forward to our visits in 08.

    anon, i wish you a wonderful year also. so glad to know you.

    debra kay, thank you for such kind words. i am happy to have found your blog too and i gain inspiration from it.

    cristosova, what a treat to hear from you!!!! i miss you still. my very best wishes to you--please keep in touch when you can. :)

    carla, and what a year it will be for you! ihope we see eachother more often this year. jb and i owe you dinner, and that will happen as soon as we settle down!!

    thanks cs. i think beneath it all that you and i are eternal optimists :)

    thank you so much, rm. it helps to know i am not conducting myself in my own self absorbed cacoon.

    p.s. my Mother has a compression fracture in her back and jb slipped on the ice and fell this morning. what else could possibly happen? so, i think we have hit our low point and are heading back up. my knee is better. my Mother got accepted to the terrific rest home. jb will have her surgery behind her as of friday. and...it's a new year. whew.

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  12. PHEW! You can't say your New Year isn't eventful so far ... :)

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  13. I wanted to say "I wish that in 2008, all your wishes will come true..." But Anon was more rapid than me...Hhehehe.... :)

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  14. I wish you all that you wish yourself.

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  15. Oh my, KJ, you've had a bit of a run of it, too, haven't you? I'm so sorry but I hope you find new hope in a new year. I do, in spite of heartbreak. As for "This morning jb asked me why I haven't blogged about all this" I understand this completely. I had the same kind of year and didn't have enough nerve to blog about most of my challenges, giving only a suggestion in my New Year's Eve post (my back). You're a far braver woman than I! I'm beaming good vibes in your direction -- can you feel them? And if you have the chance to tell me about Rosa's signs to you in the first week after her death I would love to hear them. I'd be like a drowning man getting a chug-a-lug: grateful for anything at this sad time.

    Take care of yourself and loved ones.
    xo

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  16. Ahhh, sweetie, sounds to me like you just wish for peace, wish it all to come together, the chaos, the crises, the commons, into
    the meant-to-be's......
    It's a long damn rocky road, but you guys are holdin' on.....
    you're gonna get there....
    and when you do,
    we're gonna hoop and holler.....
    Wishing you all
    your wishes come true!
    peace~love, my friend

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  17. I wish you all that for 2008 and so much more! I really wish you all the best for 2008 ! May all your dreams come true!

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  18. All good wishes. Hang in there! Such strength you must have. I want all your wishes to come true.

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  19. Oh no, things haven't been going well your way either. I hope all your wishes come true!

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  21. Did all your wishes come true?

    xoxoxo

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