Two Homes

# 9 is where I live. I'm told the richness of the soil in my yard is second only to a spot in Egypt. I have lived here for 8 years in a one story ranch house that is cozy. There will come a time when JB and I will move, probably to Provincetown and possibly close to my beloved Jessica and her family. But I will miss # 9. I will miss all the shrubs and trees and perennials I have planted; each season I plant like a turtle. I only do yard work that makes me happy. Because there are farms everywhere surrounding the college town where I live, I can buy hostas for $ 2-3 each and perennials for even less. Plant sales are abundant. Nothing could make me happier.

I am making progress. The yard is filling out.

In February JB and I came across a 1300 square feet house in Provincetown. We have had a condo in this town by the sea for many years, but this was a house! A rare house we could afford! We could make our own decisions, have more privacy.

We closed in April and put our dear condo on the market. Not a nibble so far. This is official high finance anxiety. We are so nervous we are ordering a Saint Joseph statue that comes with instructions to bury poor Saint Joseph upside down and then your house will sell. JB and I tip the odds when we can, so we're contracting with Saint Joe.

Meanwhile, we are obligated to rent out this house in Provincetown and in the past few months we are doing our best to get it cleaned up and ready for weekly renters. This has been a formidable task due to the fact that the house is old and I've been preoccupied with my Mother's move to a nursing home, my daughter's pregnancy, and my every loving ##@@&** knee problem that selfishly is demanding surgery.

But we've HAD to do what we can make the place attractive. We are on the home stretch. We've needed paintings and wall hangings. This is what we did today and it has been fun. These first shots are three ocean scenes painted on wood blocks. We've had them for a few years and finally they now have a home on our stairs Kind of an odd place but they look pretty nice.

 I am not doing this mixed media piece justice. The light was not right when I took these pictures. My  friend Joss painted and collaged this example of her fantastic South African art. She has earned success--how awesome! The true colors are so much more vibrant that I am showing you. But here it is above the sectional couch in this new house by the sea. How great.

And in the hallway to the kitchen now hangs Marianne's mandala, gifted to me because I just totally loved it and Marianne is a wonderful generous friend.

The little hall also leads to a back yard private deck. The house has very little yard but it has this deck. But first look here: how wrong that during a beautiful hopeful summer there is a crutch in this picture?!! Oh well. A time for patience, weight loss, and rehab. Oh well. Okay...I say. 

JB and I hung pictures, organized the kitchen, AND strung lights on that deck off the hall. I took this photo from the kitchen window through the screen. How awesome is this?! No doubt we and our family and friends will sit on this deck with the sparkly lights, look up to the ocean scented sky, and shout "Thank You, Thank You, Thank You." 

I'm not exactly saying life is easy: it most certainly is not. But there are moments when you get to hang the artwork of special people and string patio lights on a tall wood fence and that's quite lovely.

Here's wishing you some of the same. xo

Love

kj

Let it come

I'm not done

Problem one 

is not much fun

But problem two

could make me rue

From where it blew

I wish I knew.

Problem three

is my good knee

decided to be

contrary.

My yard is has beckoned

Every second

But for now I reckon

I'm inside trekking 

Too much at once

I have a hunch

After lunch

I'll decide to crunch

Problems one two and three

Make room for tea

Welcome a tree

And of course still be me. 

Hello friends, ten days to my surgery, hopefully eleven days to my recovery. I don't like the thought of anesthesia and I can't say I'm confident I'll be skipping down the road this summer. But I'm exercising the muscles in my knee in preparation and I'm mediating so I'll be a calm cookie in that operating room.  It would be easy for me to be discouraged and fearful (which I am) but I'm not taking that lying down. Well, I may be lying down (sometimes) but I'm going to prove to myself that I'm up for a challenge.

Things could be a lot worse. I am not going to write about problems four five and six because surely that would be too much! Right?!

Here in the U.S. summer has begun and what could be better? My yard is doing fine without me. I will have fresh tomatoes and fresh corn in August. I will float in a pool and maybe the ocean in August. 

Meanwhile, in July, I will thank my family and friends for putting up with me.  :^)

I am ever an optimist; even if I know better, which is not the case here so far.

Love
kj

Please...

Dogs and cats and animals in general are in. From the look of my grocery store, I'd guess pictures of animals sell more greeting cards than any other subject. We humans are both warmed and fascinated by their cuddly innocence.

The industry of animal photos has bothered me for a long time. Do these puppies look content to you? Remember that famous picture of a cat holding on by its claws for dear life? You can be sure that photo shoot was no fun for the cat. The truth is that most of the dogs and cats on cards and posters and advertisements do not live with families and are often not well cared for. They are commodity. The TV ads where an elephant or a tiger is walking in an office or an eagle is perched on a fancy car: those animals and birds are part of an inventory where they are rented out for photo shoots. Their lives are not easy. 

I know someone who loves animal cards and with every good intention sends me the cutest cards with darling messages of good will and inspiration. I haven't had the heart to tell her that I cringe every time I see one of those cards because too often I can see the anguish or the vacancy in the animal's eyes.

It would do my heart and my sensibility good if we would all be (more) aware that those cards and ads are not cuddly or innocent. Please do not support the practice of using animals in this way.

Don't overlook the eyes. That will tell you.

love

kj

Mom & the Nursing Home: Part 2

worth clicking to enlarge...

She is doing fine. I think she is glad she can relax, not have to try so hard, knowing she will be taken care of.

She is staying up for more of the day, sitting at a table with several other women who sometimes don't make a whole lot of sense and my Mother seems relaxed about that too. She is playing games and listening to songs she has known most of her life.

I took this picture yesterday at the nursing home cook out. The sun was bright and there was no shade so they gave all the residents hats. I think my Mother liked that too.

I have a lot on my plate: surgery, a condo that has to sell and hasn't, an expected grandbaby any day, filing for medicaid, figuring out why our dog Chase is howling (and waking us up) every night. 

My worse fear may become a grateful relief. My Mother seems happy. She is in a nice place with nice people. I won't get any more calls in the middle of the night to come and stay with her so she'll stay safe. I won't have to be her only universe. 

My Mother at 97 is pushing herself to fit in and enjoy herself. "Why not?" she tells me. "A person would be crazy not to try."

I think this will be one of my favorite pictures of my Mother for all time.

love

kj

This and That and This and That

What a week. I am in the twilight zone, really. I spent five hours at New England Deaconess Hospital last Friday for a pre-operation run through and I left both very relieved and a little concerned. The relief is that I am going to have about three or four weeks of a no-fun post surgical rehab but if I push myself I will be on the other side hopefully by mid August. The concern is that it turns out there is a history of blood clots in my family and knee replacements don't like blood clots one bit. So I need a hematology evaluation and just-in-case plan--back to Boston again. And then, July 9th, I calm my nerves and rev up my faith.

So much is happening. My daughter's baby is due any day now. We pray only for a healthy baby but with three boys already, a little girl would be pretty surprisingly awesome. My Mother is actually doing well in the new nursing home (so thankful). And my knee does not allow me normal motion and sometimes I am in pain. 

And too...JB and I just spent four days in Provincetown starting to put our own 'mark' on this little house we now own. We will rent it out this summer for a few weeks ( have to---$) so the readiness has to be now. We went shopping, looking for discounts and bargains. We bought bathroom cabinets, couch pillows, chair covers, silverware (set of 8 for $ 15 at an antique store). We hung pictures. We decorated.

It's not done but the space is feeling more familiar now, more like it's ours.

More to do, too much to do. But I do know whining is not going to help me. In fact, I have to decide to be brave. I have to push myself. This is what I plan to do.

Thank you for visiting and indulging me.

love
kj

Hahaha: my favorite blog post

http://karenjasper.blogspot.com/2010/06/mstabasco-and-mr-ketchup.html?m=0

The Best, The Worse, & Life

I am a grandmother and  I like that role more than I would have imagined. :^)

When my own daughter was not yet five, my friend Nancy told me not to worry. "If anything ever happened to you," she said, "I will make sure that if Jess wants acting lessons in New York City, I will find a way for her to follow that or any other dream."

Jess grew up and Nancy died and I am still and always wanting to be sure dreams can be followed. Jess  is not an actress and she does not live in New York City: she is a talented wonderful woman and daughter and Mother. 

I have this hope that her children--my grandchildren--will grow up and remember especially that I believed in them, supported them, loved them in every possible way. In many ways I view myself as a teacher when they are with me: they try new foods because they like the idea of a "no thank you" bite. They sing and dance because we turn up the music, clap our hands, raise our voices, and tap our feet. They rhyme words and I remind them they are poets. Six year old Ryan knows that The Little Prince lives alone on his own planet the size of a house,  with only a special rose to care for. And four year old Drew, shown here at his pre-school graduation today (Mr. Ham) puts out the plates and silverware and cleans the dinner table with great pride.

I attended Drew's graduation on one crutch. Yesterday I learned I will need a no fooling-around total knee replacement, and soon. (July 9th). JB had a knee replacement a few years ago and I remember how extensive and painful it was for her, for many weeks. I remember thinking if I ever had to go through something like that, I wasn't sure I would have the determination and courage she did to get to the other side. 

I had to tell Jess last night that I will not be physically able to help her with the new baby. That I will not be able to take Ryan for a week in August in Cape Cod, him and me. I held back tears knowing I cannot be there for my daughter because I will have my own surgery and issues to attend to.  I don't just view being her Mother as a responsibility: it is a privilege to support her and her family. I don't know if she really knows how much and how hard I try to provide that support, but that's okay. I love her unconditionally and that's what counts. 

I'm not a grandmother whose whole life is her grandkids. Not even. I live two hours away and I admit to exhaustion when JB and I have the kids for the weekend. 

But I care and I try. And boy oh boy are they fun. 

love

kj

JB and Alaska

Alaska for almost two weeks.  JB went with her sister and without me. She was only partially impressed with the Princess Cruise, "food too bland and too much gold decor" and there was alot of transport from one place to another.

 But the glaciers. Oh my. They are crystal blue. See for yourself. 

They traveled by river boat

And dog sled

And train

And foot

They saw salmon smoking

And from years past, protective doorways: short and small enough that no enemy, man or bear, could enter without the disadvantage of being bent over

And meanwhile, back at home, JB's partner--that would be me--nursed a damaged knee, faced the necessity of putting her Mother in a nursing home, worried about their very pregnant daughter and her family moving to a new house; all the while texting hellos and how-are-you's? to a traveler who arrived home happy and tired and ready to step into summer.

love

kj

Writing Nibble

I said I am going to spice up my blog and I mean it. 

I am going to use this photo when I post some of my poems and snippets: snippets in this case being the beginning of the book I have been writing for several years now. Why so long? Distance. I've needed some.  The two main characters in this book are so far out I've struggled to make them believable. I'm not done yet (but almost). 

Here is what may well be the opening pages.  My writing teacher says I should NOT be revealing any of this until I'm done, and not on my blog, But it's a new day and my way. :^)

Sorry about the spacing problems. Here goes: 

Preface

Some of this story is true and some of it isn’t. A wise reader will probably figure that part out. Please don’t ask me. I have enough angst worrying about Bee’s reaction and whether Catherine will sic a Filipino dragon on me.  

Also, don’t ask me if hearts heal. I have no idea.

Chapter

Donna lives in one of the Carolina’s and says she services the world.Given the fact that I spoke with her from a parking facing the ConnecticutRiver, I suppose that could just as well be true.

I found Donna  through Allison, a member of my writing group, who sought her out because of a confusing love hate relationship with her therapist Sylvia. Donna’s advice to Allison,mirroring my own take on her messy mess, was so spot on that I readily agreed to the $ 120 fee for a telephonic one hour past life reading of my own. 

When I contact her, emails me a  a questionnaire and email it back to her. She wants some history, some 

birth dates,some idea of my motivation.  We book a time two weeks in advance and I 

hope that she will tell me the situation is  not as bad as I know it is.

I am returning from Trader Joe’s when it’s time for me to call her. 

I pull into the river rest area and steer my car to a shaded spot encased by 

overgrown maple trees. 

Donna gets right to the point. “Use the information I tell you as a tool to heal 

yourself and also to heal others. That is the purpose here. First I am going to  

review the information you sent me by email.”

She proceeds to question me as if she is hearing it for the first time.

What is your full name?

Your birthdate and time?

What do you want to know?

What is this woman’s name and birthdate?

“Okay, Casey,” she says. “I am going to be silent while I tune into your pictures.This is what happens: I see pictures.  If you don’t hear my voice within three minutes, say something. This is important in the event that  we’ve become disconnected as opposed to me concentrating on the internal pictures that I will be viewing.”  

I nod. Then, remembering this is a phone call, I almost whisper, “Yes, Donna, okay.”

“I will be focusing on several of your last past lives,” she explains. “I don’t predict the future. It is up to you to learn what you need to know from the past.”

Donna goes silent. I wait until she speaks again.

“You have to have compassion,” she begins. Her voice is strong. “Catherine was your mother. She was a really good mother but she had a personality weakness. It was the culture of the time: women were subordinate to men, the only exceptions were witches and bitches and seducers. If you can understand this, you’ll have compassion for Catherine.”

“She was married with two children. Her husband went off to fight and she became pregnant from another man. She had the baby and she put off what to do. You were that child.”

“She worried, There was no way she could stand up about it, she had no plan. When someone spotted her husband coming home, the news spread. She grabbed you up, you were four years and one month old. She ran with you through the woods to a place where there was a dug out well four feet across the bottom. It was covered up with logs. She thought she could talk to him first and she’d come back for you, she snuck back and gave you some food.”

“You couldn’t get out on your own. It was fifteen feet deep. You had one blanket, you were emotionally paralyzed. She doesn’t know what approach to take. On the second day she comes back, you are really scared. You think she doesn’t love you, your world was her face. She is paralyzed too. You cry, you are so afraid.” 

Donna stops at this point. Her affect is shifting. Her voice is softer. “There was a huge storm. You drowned. You died on the fifteenth day. You couldn’t reason at four years old. The whole world was caving in around you, even though there were people around. You died with intense craving and fear and confusion, an utter emotional state.”

“Jesus,” I say. This is chilling. And familiar. 

“And now? Can Catherine and I find our way back to each other?”

Donna is quick to respond. “I know nothing about the future. I can only help you understand the past. YOU have to pick that baby up. You do it, in your mind, as if you were some woman who stumbled through the woods who really wanted that child. This is the energy between saving yourself and being a victim.”

“You want Catherine to save you from these torrid feelings you’re having and she never will. So how is the best way to die? Die in that life knowing the truth. Be like two to four year olds: someone gives you the information that your mother loves you. She loved you but know you are going to lose your mind, you slipped away into hallucinations. There was no clarity at death, Death was a gift.” 

“Your choice is you will never let go or you will leave in harmony and peace without her. You are like a bulldog that won’t let go. That is a beautiful quality you have—you are a person who gets what she wants, you fight for what’s most important—that’s an incredible gift you have.” 

“But the bigger picture is how to be comfortable when you’re out of control. Your healing comes from creating things you cannot control and sitting with them. Let things go into chaos.  Let things be out of control.”

“The day will come when you can turn your energy with Catherine toward merging your heart and mind with God. You’re on the right track.”

I am frozen in my silence. Donna continues.

“It’s a hopeless relationship. You should climb fast away thinking she will make you happy. You will be completely liberated. You will help others from permanently suffering. You will merge with God. Pray for the faith and determination to make that your focus.” 

“You cannot be part of the family. Have compassion for her.”

I start to cry. You cannot be part of the family.  I know my deepest pain comes from this reality. I have not known this until now.

“God is giving you Catherine’s non desire for you. You are screaming, ‘No, I don’t want that!’ The fifth pathway of the chakras: The supreme way is not difficult if only you do not pick and choose.The only cause of suffering is craving.” 

Donna stops. “That is all I have to say.” 

Stunned, I ask her if it makes sense to talk again, knowing she had had three sessions with Allison. 

“No,” she says. “I have told you everything. You are on a remarkable path. That’s the thing for you to know.” 

Playmates Wanted (please)

What has happened to my blog? Where is my community and the back and forth of wit and whimsy? Where is my creativity?

Okay I'm not at the easiest place. Transitions abound. Plus my knee hurts like hell and my walking and gardening ability is currently pathetic.

But...

I've been thinking. This blog is a place where I am honest, yes, and when times are tough that's honest. But I am also hopeful. And grateful. And playful.  This blog is built for creative fun. That's been my promise to myself since day one.

So I'm looking back to recapture and reclaim. Here are many reasons I love sharing here. Please play with me again. I know many of us have been blogging inconsistently. That happens. But I am hereby giving notice that my blog is super duper important to me. I am going to get my good camera fixed and I am going to post my best (or worse) writing and I am going to enjoy you and all of it.

love

kj

cookie breasts

a monster in the back yard

my recommendations for provincetown