Holy Moley!!

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THIS.....

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WAS THIS.

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THIS...

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IS NOW THIS.

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AND THIS...

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IS NOW THIS!
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AND, LIGHTS DIMMED, THIS.
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Holy Moley! In one day my kitchen has been transformed. It's not finished, but it's clear that JB and I were right about opening up the space and removing the large block that held the double oven.

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Forgive me for strutting the changes. I am over the top excited. We stumbled across a kitchen counter sale at Lowe's that is allowing us to add a corian counter top for 50% less than the regular price. All in all, this is an official low budget make-over, but I'm now convinced it is going to look feel and work just fine here at # 9.

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Oh yippee happy day. It's just a space in a little house, but for me it's another example that the little things aren't little (my current theme for the new year).

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Love

kj

Do What You Love and Market It on a Shoestring

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First of all, lately I haven't been visiting most of my favorite blogs for three reasons, all of which involve love.
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The first two reasons are the recent and fantastic and exhausting company of Mr. Ryan age 4 and Not-So-Baby Drew, age. 2.
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The third reason is that my dog Stella is pretty sick. She is very weak and has trouble standing, along with some other troubling symptoms. Last night at 1:30 am JB and I took her to the Emergency Animal Hospital 20 miles from here, in the dark miserable rain. Today she is slightly better and we are slightly more hopeful.
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(What an introduction for a post about Marketing. Just keeping it real..... :^)
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So about marketing. I've taught a few courses on marketing in general and for artists in particuliar, emphasizing low cost, no cost, low budget ways to get noticed and increase customers. I have 16 'tips' in all and here are the first five:
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1. Giveaways: People love free items, especially items that they can use to gain knowledge or improve their lives. If you are a watercolorist, you might write up and give away a 'how to watercolor' brochure, or chart showing how to use complimentary colors, or a free membership to your annual newsletter. Once you begin giving away authoritative information, people will begin to see you as an expert in your field. And when they have an interest or a need, they will think of you.
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2. Create News: Want to get your name and news in your local newspaper? It may be easier than you think. If you don't have any news to report, create some. Maybe you are helping a special needs student. Or maybe you've won an award or received recognition or been selected for an art show. Local magazines and pennysavers and newspapers are often quite interested in business news of this sort and this will help you get free publicity. You'll need to know how to write up a succinct one or two paragraph press release, and then email it to targeted news or art or business editors. Chances are good your news will be published.
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3. Events: You can attract the attention of a crowd or the media (free publicity again) by staging a one-time special promotional event. If you are yoga instructor, you could offer a one hour free introduction to better health through stretching. If you have written a children's book and it's springtime, you can offer lunch with the Easter bunny. (Hang up flyers around town and send in information to your local newspaper). Get the idea?
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4. Charity Tie-ins: Are you launching something new? Trying to increase your visability in a certain segment of your community? Offer your services or product to one or more charities as a raffle prize or for use at a fund raising event. You'll receive lots of exposure among people who buy tickets and attend the event, plus they just might tell their friends.
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5. Contests: First, find a contest theme that ties into your business. A caterer might offer a cupcake tasting contest in the lobby of a movie theater. A photographer might offer a young model contest or recognition for the best high school photograph of a sunset. An Etsy artist might offer a painting or a knitting contest and give ribbons to the selected winners. Do contests attract attention? You bet they do! All it takes are a few well placed signs, a small press release announcement or two, and the world will spread among the people you want to reach.
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I'm guessing these suggestions are intimidating or overwhelming?
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Yes: they are UNTIL you do one or two and discover it will be fun and rewarding.
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If I were still in the business of offering consulting services to people who are or want to be self employed and need marketing help, at this point I would be announcing a contest or creating an event or arranging a give away with the prize being two free hours of marketing help from me. (Note: I'm not still in the business!)
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And guess what? I would be confident that there would be interest in my offer.
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Right?
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If you're looking to increase your customers or your income or your love of whatever, I encourage you to think about what YOU have and want to offer.
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Meanwhile, I'll be back one of these days with eleven more suggestions.
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Love
kj

Put the Cone on Top....

Last weekend I was witness to Mr. Ryan's first ever ice cream cone. His mother/my daughter supplied plenty of napkins and let him slurp chocolate with jimmies all over his face and hands and everything. He licked and dripped away totally enthralled. I taught him how to lick around the cone so that he stayed ahead of the melting (not really possible).

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Later I sent my dearest friend a picture of Mr. Ryan's big event and she wrote back wondering how it could be that at age 4 he had not had an ice cream cone before now.

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I hadn't thought about that. Hmmmm. Good question.

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This was not the first time I'd seen Mr. Ryan being treated to ice cream. What was different? Aha! Before last weekend, the ice cream was in a cup. And the cone was ON TOP!

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For a two year old, doesn't that make sense? Too small to navigate the cone and the drips so put the cone on top, add a cup to manage melts, and enjoy an upside down ice cream cone.

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Makes me wonder what's really up and what's really down sometimes. The poet Mary Oliver alluded to that when she said "What if The root is the flower of the other world?"

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Now, at four, Mr. Ryan's Mother deemed him old enough to try his first big boy ice cream cone. He aced the challenge and the grin on his messy drippy face showed his pride and delight in a thousand ways.

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Ah, another lesson. Put the cone on top where all is secure and protected until you're ready to face the drips and slips. It's still an ice cream cone. Why teeter totter with mess and possible failure until you are ready and steady? Why rush the learning curve if in taking your time you will reap the amazing accomplishment of mastering this:

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I doubt Mr. Ryan made the metaphoric comparison between the cone on top and the cone on bottom. But I know he knew he had achieved something awesomely special. And thanks to his innocent enthusiasm and his Mother's wise timing, he was perfectly ready to let it rip:

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Love

♥kj

Handy-Dandy Renovations

A few months ago, in the middle of finally giving the back hall and kitchen a facelift, a reliable carpenter named Jessie walked off the job; this after several years of knowing him, trusting his workmanship, admiring his ability to execute ideas JB and I had inside our heads.

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I don't know why Jessie bolted--his partner said it was a mid life crisis--but it left JB and I without a jack-of-all-trades handyman, which to me is the same as forgetting to wear my earrings or wearing two different socks to dinner.

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I've always loved renovations. For a BRIEF (and too too difficult) time JB and I opened a restaurant in my childhood home town. We called it Tomato City for no reason and I described it as a 'slightly upscale American Cafe."

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Tomato City specialized in our version of tapas, which we called 'Piecemeals.' You could combine 3 or 4 appetizers with JB's amazing chili cheese cornbread and your choice of 4 homemade salad dressings and have a blast sharing plates and trying everything. We also had the Ms. Petunia Special, which got you soup, a half a specialty sandwich, a drink, and a homemade cookie. The Ms. Petunia Special was a big hit, even those a good number of guys whispered their way through ordering it. :^)

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Maybe one day I will write more about Tomato City. But this post is about renovations.

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We took over a dump of a restaurant named King Arthur's Buffet. It was awful. We had a very modest budget and with the help of a Jessie-like handyman (carpenter), we managed to turn the place into a cozy cafe that the Boston Globe food critic raved about and so did our customers.

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Tomato City was short lived and JB and I almost killed each other. That is another story too.

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We spent three months tearing down everything except the open kitchen and the hanging lights.

The lights were red enamel with glossy white insides and we spray painted them copper gold.

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We hired a local artist to paint four huge ceiling panels of the sky. She chose to show dawn to dusk. It was awesome.

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JB and I chose the fabric for the home made booths that Bob put together, JB made the curtains, I learned how to price and choose the carpets and flooring and table tops and chairs and dishes and this fantastic computer generated 'wax paper' that looked just like stained glass. All in all, for me, it was the equivalent of a fantastic shopping spree.

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When we were done, we received a zillion compliments that we had transformed the place on a shoestring. It was true: we had.
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So fast forward to today and the tiny kitchen at # 9. This is what Jessie walked out on. Man is it great to have a double oven, but the energy flow is bad because it's a monstrosity. It just doesn't work. Plus there is not enough counter space in the kitchen.

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Last week we found another Jessie. His name is Mike. He is going to work with us to transform the space on another shoestring. Nothing fancy, but it will be more functional and hopefully a bit funkier.
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Knock down the double oven tower, extend the counter and add a new cabinet underneath it, put in a new oven under the stove top, add a island fan unit hanging over the stove....

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and replace a few of the cabinet doors with glass fronts and distressed-looking wood and paint.
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Yesterday JB and I went to Lowe's and starting looking. Tomorrow Mike is coming to talk details.

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And: since a new counter top will be needed where the double oven used to be, and since the present counter top is old and yuk, we are splurging on a new Corian counter. Which is not in our shoestring plans, except that 4 colors are on sale for half price right now.
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JB and I were certain we would choose the brown with small orange and black specks. But it is too dark. 'Mojave' on the right will match the cabinets almost perfectly and that might be pretty bland. But for the savings we're taking our chances. We figure we can always find a way to add color.

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To be continued....meanwhile, I am squealing with non-working supervisor delight. Someone else does all the work and I get to enjoy the results: one of my favorite past times.

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Love

kj

I remember...

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Things I remember:

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--how much i loved hopscotch

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--vanilla ice cream in a cup every day one summer

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--my Mother's chocolate chip cookie batter

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--my scrapbook of glossy movie star pictures (some were in color even)

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--the first time my boyfriend and I deep kissed (and a little more)

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--giving my father a puppy for his birthday (he was very surprised and very upset)

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--running away and hiding in the garage waiting to be found (no one came; I gave up just before dinner)

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--getting an 'A' in my favorite English class

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--a week on Cape Cod with friends and beer kegs (no supervising adults!)

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--deciding I would be a teacher when I grew up

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--getting arrested for breaking and entering (I was 13 and earned bragging rights from then on)

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Yes, there are memories that fall in more challenging catagories, but that is for another day. Right now, I'm enjoying the parts of me that came, went, and still linger....

Please join me in looking back too if you'd like. ♥

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Love

kj

Dear Weather Goddess

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Oh NO NO

It's way too much snow

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I want it to go
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come on, you must know
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it's about time to show

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little flowers that grow.

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After all I've been patient
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All this ice is now ancient!
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Yes I'm complaining;

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My whine is refraining

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I want brown and green

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No more snow on this scene.

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What will it take

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for a weather remake?

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I deserve a warm break

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Sanity's at stake!

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I'm down on my knees

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shouting please dammit please!

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Start with the sun

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and when that's done

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melt all that snow:

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yeah, where will it go?

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I know I should care

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but to be perfectly fair

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I'm worse for the wear

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I just want hot air!!!

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Call it magical thinking

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I seem to be winking

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toward anything sinking

this miserable linking

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of snow with my mood.

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Really, I don't like to brood

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But I'd whine if I felt

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the snow would just melt.

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One little bud

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is too much to desire?

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Blow in with a thud

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Your ecclesiastical attire!

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Postscript: anytime in February is too early for this poem or lament.

However, at this point I don't give a sweet damn. :^)

I'll Take It! Plus a Too Rare Give-a-way

I read tarot cards. My 'career' in this area began when I was twelve and my Mother bought me a James Bond tarot deck for Christmas. :^)

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I am always amazed by my accuracy in interpreting the cards. The theory as I understand it is that time is not linear; thus the past and the future are can be as known and accessible as the present. Somehow that energy and accessibility travels through the reader and into the cards. That's the best I can say. I won't be surprised if my friends and visitors here will have more to add.

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So something occurred last week that woke me up, opened my eyes, and inisisted I see a situation for what it is and will be. Life has a way of turning over and offering itself all over again.

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Tonight I did my own three card reading about my open-your-eyes event:

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This card represents an important element of the past. The Empress: The essence of femininity and matriarchy. Creativity, productivity, and the foundation of civilization. Initiative and practical actions that promote prosperity, comfort and luxury. Fruitfulness and motherhood.

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This card represents a deciding element of the present. Four of Swords (Truce): A time of tranquility and intellectual repose in the midst of a great struggle. A temporary retreat from stress to regather inner strength, reaffirm convictions, reorganize thoughts, and formulate a new plan. The need for vigilance in a moment of calm. May suggest a withdrawal from the material world to find spiritual guidance. (editorial comment: Yup)

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This card represents a critical element of the future. The Magician: Mastery over word, mind, and matter. The ability to turn ideas into actions, handle problems, and control one's life. The initiation of new projects, great works, or a new way of life. Eloquent and moving communication. Arcane and eldritch technologies.

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What does this mean for me?

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This is what I think: I'm back in the driver's seat. I can write my book and live my life. I can nudge my wishes and will into realistic territory.

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Now then: Would you like a tarot reading? I don't do give aways often enough, so it will be my pleasure to offer a give away tarot reading. Just leave a comment you're interested and I will write out names, put them in my Annie Sweet Pea bowl, and ask Mr. Ryan to close his eyes choose one. (the 'winner' will have the option of a private email reading, if preferred) If there is something specific you're wondering about, include a question. (First readings are often more general than specific, but I'll do my best to shuffle in a question into the cards.)

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By the way, I no longer use a James Bond deck. I have Herbal cards, bought at the gift store at Big Sur and replicated a couple of years ago, when they went hiding on me for a while.

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And by the way: do you believe?

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Love

kj

With A Little Help From My Friends

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I'm probably 100 pages into writing snippet after snippet and only now can I can declare that I am officially working on my second book. I hope to finish it by the end of the summer. (be still my heart!)
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And I can say I think I learned yesterday what the book will be about: abandonment, betrayal, resilience. (so uplifting, i know...but hey...)
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I spent Saturday with one writing guru and two other women who are writing books of their own. We had read 30 pages of each other's work in advance and had plenty to say about plot, style, verbs, formatting, character development, dialogue, scenes, intent. I am learning so much about writing. These writers are going to coach and comfort me to the finish line.

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But not just them. I have some special friends who have walked with me through a tough patch, for a long time, and now they will walk with me in easier times. You! And You! And You and You! Thank you so much! We have allowed ourselves to be known, to be seen. They've let me in, I've let them in. What a relief to be our real selves, even our mushy messy real selves.

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This poem is dedicated to friendships of all kinds. Hold on to them: they are gold.

(i hope i haven't posted this before? thank you for being polite if i have) :^)

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Invisible

Here’s the thing that I would say
If I were invisible today:

I would smile first and then begin
Starting with my oldest sin.

I’d tell you why I never learned
Protection first before I burned.

I’d willingly admit my part
In following this touchy heart.

I’d take my time and spill it out--
Every vision, every doubt.

You’d hear my voice and wonder why
I showed up here to even try.

I’d hide of course but even then
I’d have an eye out for a friend.

In moments when I take up space
I’d like to trust this just in case.

I’d like to stretch and drop my clothes,
See who misses and who really knows.

And when I finished I would grin
Wondering if let you in.

Wondering if you see the whole
Where wisdom meets the tale untold.

I’m quite invisible, but not unseen--
I’m just here hiding between.

love kj

Splurges

I'm done with the snow. Here are some photos of the last snowfall; snow clinging to every twig and branch of every tree.
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.hahaha, leave it to # 9 to have a crooked lamp post!

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The snow doesn't look like this anyone.

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It is alot black now. Alot.

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I'm ready for spring. I'm now officially writing a second book! And, it struck me in the shower this morning, I seem to be treating myself as well as I can. I take that to be a good all-around sign.
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So during my shower I opened my Origins' Ginger cream (so worth trying) and I started thinking about the things I splurge on. I love my guilt-free splurges.

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The definition of a splurge:

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1. a big expenditure
2. to be extravagant
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Here are some of mine. I'd like to hear some of yours:

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1. My morning coffee: the best is when JB makes it and it's ready when I get up. There is nothing like that first cup: the sound of my french press drips, the scent of peet's just-right major dickinson coffee, the hot feel of my favorite orange mug, fifteen minutes all for myself.

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2. Good shoes: I didn't know for a long time that good shoes are worth the money. The buttery feel of soft Italian leather, the smell of new black suede boots, the look of cool clogs, my favorite sturdy sneakers and sandals: I'll spend on shoes and in a rare occasion I've bought two or even three pairs at a time. With good shoes, I feel so dressed.
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3. Books & gardens: I don't like shopping in general. I shop for clothes maybe twice a year. I don't like malls. But bookstores and garden centers--this is a fact: I am never unhappy when I am at either. I stroll and browse. And what I buy I buy without guilt.
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4. My iphone: don't get me started. I LOVE IT. I can email, blog, calculate, text, phone, write notes, record sounds, take pictures, google, check the weather, research facts. All with just a few pushes of my finger. I don't know how I did without it. It may be high tech to some, but to me it is lowly lovely simplicity.
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5. Honesty: is this a splurge? I see it that way, because even though I may struggle and juggle a lot of things, I don't stress about being honest. I'm happy to say I just am.

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6. Working part-time. What a luxury. If I've missed a day because of snow and I can make it up the next day. I work three days, have four days off. Actually, I've earned this schedule. Some people my age aren't working at all. But for me, with a Mother who worked until she was 76, it's a splurge to be enjoying the days I work and the days I don't.

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7. Anne Marie Borland's face cream: A long time ago a past life psychic and skin care woman named Jennifer, who was the sister of my hairdresser, told me to use this moisturizer for life. She was right: it's a great product. And except for an unfortunate stress line on my left cheek, caused by a most unfortunate misstep and mistrust, my skin likes it.

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8. Any camera or printer made by Canon.

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9. The Atlantic Ocean. I can drive to it, in the summer walk to it, walk along its bays and coasts, search for shells, watch the sun rise and set. I can smell the sea & feel the wind slap me silly.

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10. Time to blog: A part of my life would be dimmer without this community of talented artists and writers and observers who share this place and space. Blogging is a source of ongoing joy for me--a fantastic splurge. I wouldn't want to miss a moment of it. :^)

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So, let me add this up. It seems that at least half of my splurges don't even require much money; easy gifts to give myself. A pretty good arrangement, I'd say....

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love

kj

I the Writer Who Is Barely Blog Proficient and Wishes It Were Otherwise....

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I need some blog help.

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If you don't mind:

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1. When I am writing a post, before I publish it, why do I have to insert periods in between my paragraphs or photos because when I don't and I hit 'publish', there there are no longer spaces in between even though there should be? (see, look at these distracting darn dots)

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2. Suddenly every image I try to put on my header (and i love to change my header!) is coming out mega large. The preview shows the whole picture I've selected but it doesn't come out that way. Anybody know how correct this? (I need simple steps. I am a slow blogger learner.)
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3. Is it time for me to upgrade my template? If I do, is it a no-brainer with no problems? Is it simple to do? (Should I? And should I change my background color?)
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4. How come people I don't know and who don't comment on my blog add themselves to my follower list? (I don't mind at all, but I don't understand it.)
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And does it bother you when someone stops being a follower and you don't know who that someone is? (Does your ego start acting up? I'm not admitting mine does unless I'm not alone)
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Thank you very much.
♥ (at least I know how to make a ♥)
kj

A Perfect Day

I'm too tired to make this long.

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So to the point: I left my house early this morning to spend the day with two great friends who inspire me and who are totally lovable, fun, talented, and loyal. I'm not mentioning names but one paints ravens like no one else and the other draws this cartoony Ms. Em who will be syndicated one day.

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I drove an exciting almost two hours, my own supplies in tow: paper clay Ms. Raven painter turned me on to and my precious watercolor pencils and special moleskine. I am a writer not an artist but I was so ready. We'd planned this time together for ions. An art day, lunch, easy peasy friendship.

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30 seconds from Ms. Em's house: a call that my Mom had passed out, fallen, ambulance enroute, maybe a stroke.

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20 minutes to soak up my friends, tour a warm welcoming cared for and classy whimsy house, be blown away by an amazing studio and what talent!, look at Raven Painter's remarkable new work, hug, appreciate, lament, leave.

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90 minutes to the hospital. JB was already there, comforting my Mom.

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7 fucking hours in the emergency room. (sorry)

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My Mom has not had a stroke. She has a very broken arm and not yet a reason why she lost consciousness. She is 95, has no present memory, is lucid and smart despite that, and is very wonderful. I will stand by her without blinking.

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I'm home now. What a day.

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Mostly I feel bad for my two wonderful friends. I know there's no apology necessary, but damn I'm sorry I had to leave. I long to be in that studio again.

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A perfect day? hahahaha! And yet, I spent this day with some pretty fantastic people. People I love.

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People I love.

Valentine's Day 2011

The art work of my beloved friend Laurel Gaylord (lo)

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Click to enlarge. It's worth it.

This is a poem by Mary Tall Mountain. I offer it to you on this Valentine's Day because I have a feeling it will soothe your heart, as it does mine, whatever your circumstance.

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I was 15 when I received my first serious valentine.

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It was a beautiful card with roses and pastel colors on the outside and a question written in beautiful cursive letters: A valentine question to the one I love, it said.

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I opened the card and there, attached by a little half inch spring, was a jumpy gorilla, asking Wanna Wrestle?

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I kept that card from my boyfriend for years afterwards. In college, when I had no boyfriend and valentine days came and went, I would remember what it felt like to be part of the couples valentine crowd. It was important to me at the time, not having, not getting a valentine.

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I did not re-enter that exclusive club until my senior year in college, when I met my ex-husband and gratefully rejoiced in the fact that he was a college graduate and he was handsome.

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I learned later that there was more substance required of a good relationship than that.

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And I learned later still that valentines come in different ways from different people and from different kinds of love.

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I've received four valentine cards this year. I sent out seven of my own. I know what a valentine means to me because I've stepped away from the commercialization of love and stepped into my own authentic version. Thankfully.

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And this poem by Mary Tall Mountain?

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'We never leave eachother.

When does your mouth

say goodbye to your heart?'

Happy Valentine's Day Dad. Willa. Renee. Anne. Chris. Baby Boy. Even you with the barbed words.

love

kj

Valentine's Day

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Why would I be showing you garbage on Valentine's Day?

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Forgive me. I hope you will understand. There are many causes and places and people I care about, many blogs that educate me and push me to be a better person.

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One such blog is this one: http://my_sarisari_store.typepad.com/my_sarisari_store/

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It is the blog of a special man, a friend, who is a photojournalist in the Philippines. His is a most special blog, one that will both make you sad and make you proud. Either way it will make you AWARE, and on Valentine's Day I think it's a good day to be aware.
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Recently Sidney has been highlighting the people of hapilan in the Philippines. Where they live is where Pier 18 is located, which is a transit point for Manila’s garbage going to a landfill located in Navotas.

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The leading source of income for the residents of hapilan is scavenging this garbage at Pier 18.

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The other source of income is charcoal making. For eleven years, the charcoal-making business has been the primary source of livelihood of 400 families. There are around 36 holes used to produce charcoal, located by the seashore of Manila Bay.

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This is poverty. This is how poverty looks in Ulingan around Pier 18 in the Philippines.
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This is how Sidney describes it:

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"My impression of Ulingan when I first visited the place was that of Dante’s Inferno. A place enveloped in thick fumes with pitch black people and half naked kids working in extremely unhealthy conditions. The people are dirt poor, the kids have to work all day long and they are obviously malnourished and sickly. Many of these people also have lung problems caused by the environment."

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Last week I heard that the people of Ulingan will be forced to make place for another “recycling” company (similar to the one operating Pier 18). All the houses and the charcoal factories will be demolished to make place for the arrival of tons of garbage.
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So please consider this my valentine this year:

Click on image

This is a no frills organization to help with poverty in Ulingan. They will barely make a dent, but even a dent means something.

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I don't know what I will do yet. Money? Time? Prayers? Maybe making this my Valentine post is a first step. I just want you to be aware too. Because, let's face it: we are family.

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Love
kj

photos taken by Sidney and used without permission but I know he won't mind

Deep Love

I wrote the following piece close to four years ago, soon after I started my blog. I'm not where I was then (maybe I am and I don't know it yet) :^) but thank god I still know now what I was learning then.

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I'm sorry if I haven't been around much. I should be back soon. Thanks for stopping by here anyway :)
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Love

kj

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Deep Love
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I sometimes quote my favorite line from Paul’s Simon’s “The Boxer”—the one that says “After changes upon changes we are more or less the same.” But lately I’m thinking, “Pardon me, but I don’t think so”.
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I’ve had eleven months of the good life. Last June 3oth I stopped my billable hour schedule, quit my job, and let my own rhythm put me to bed and wake me through the brightness of the sun or the damp of the rain. I hasten to add that I live this way because my lifelong partner is supporting me: working and keeping track of it all so I can ease my transition to the writing life.

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“Ease” is a too safe and not fully honest verb here: I am feeling my way along an unknown wall. It is pitch black and although I trust the wall to guide me, one step after another, and it does, don’t ask me where I’m exactly headed. Some days I am amusingly shocked that I don’t know. And some days I am significantly shocked that it doesn’t matter.
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This is the context and landscape upon which I have encountered deep love. When I explain that it is the kind of love that makes you cry, just leaves you standing there wiping your eyes with your sleeve because you never saw it coming, most people seem to understand what I mean.
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Have I not loved like this before? How is it that I’ve lived these adult years—raised a family, worked hard, been a good citizen, and not until now truly felt and accepted deep love?
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Don’t get me wrong: I know how to love. And I’m not prone to melodrama. It’s not that I’m in a permanent state of bliss. Actually, mine is not an easy existence. My heart is still equipped with these little toothpicks, ready to protect itself should someone particular try for entry I cannot handle, little toothpicks: now that’s a fortified defense. This might be the problem. I don’t have a fortified defense. These days I don’t have much of a defense at all. I am walking along, strolling the crunchy streets of Northampton, planting my sun garden with wide hope and even wider grins, writing poems and painting words with my buddy soul mate, and I am loving deeply.
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With the chance of a life time to live as I wish, I’ve come to believe that no matter how good it gets, life is not easy. I haven’t escaped death, drought, deception or disarray. Still, most days I walk around stunned by the love around me. Sometimes it is quiet, like a prayer, other times it spikes up my spine and I gasp, sometimes I am overwhelmed by it for no other reason than I now understand what it is.
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I am not the best candidate for the office of deep love. Twice I’ve committed the most unforgivable crimes of betrayal when only love was needed, and I have let my ego dance around every stupid purposeless question asked and expected of me: Am I right? Do I have power? Will I come in first? Am I strong enough? Smart enough? Full enough? Do you love me enough?
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But that was then. Today I have quieted my ego, dropped my defenses, and cast open my full and fragile heart. My old barriers are gone. They melted. Or maybe they’ve shriveled from too little use. Or they’ve recognized the little toothpicks of my heart will give it all up anyway, so what’s the use.
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I love more these days even as I am more vulnerable. I cannot tell you what my life will look like tomorrow or next week or next year. I no longer know how to operate my arsenal of protection. I cry at the drop of a hat or the sound of a gentle word, and I don’t try as hard anymore not to.
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My daughter talks about this baby she will soon deliver and I know in the deepest safest place that enough of her life has been right. My friend whispers “I love you” and know it is true. My partner of 21 years walks out the back door and I swallow hard knowing she will help me find myself even when it looks like some of me will be lost to her. I look in my mother’s eyes and I know I have the deepest special honor of helping her prepare to say goodbye.
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I am transformed. I am transformed by deep love. That’s what it is. Am I happier because of it? No. Am I wealthier, or wiser, or clearer or safer? No.
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But I am present. And surprisingly safe. Perhaps this is where I started, where I’ve been hiding all along, where I will now live and thrive. And perhaps, after changes upon changes, I have become more or less the same.

Momentous Mish Mash

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This weekend is JB's birthday. This is a time when she is happy to indulge herself and knowing that I try to indulge her too. I bought some flowers, a cake, a few presents and ingredients for her favorite dinner (New York strip steak, a baked potato with sour cream, asparagus and red wine). It's been a relaxing day, driving in challenging weather with no complaints and no problems.

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I shopped for the best food today. I love grocery shopping. Makes me feel secure and thankful.

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No snow storms today, but it rained. The temperature is below freezing.

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ICE.....

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Plenty of worrisome ice. Look at my neighbor's house:

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Hard to believe. This is not a common sight.

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But this week, icicles are everywhere.
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I've been comtemplative this week.

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After my lazy reluctance to return to work, it was all good. I love my work: I am so glad of that because it makes such a difference in how I view myself and my life.

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A while back I had a conflict with a work colleague. He was unable to sympathize or help me when I encountered multiple computer problems with my agency's software and I couldn't get the required reports done. I was in tears from the frustration and instead of support, he blamed me for not being more computer savvy.

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I will work at the relationships that matter to me, but he and I were mostly co-workers and barely casual friends so in the aftermath I chose to pretty much ignore him. I was cordial, but made no effort to seek him out.

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This week I sent him an email asking a work question. He wrote back and answered it, but he also wrote that I was giving him the cold shoulder, why the change?

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I told him I had been hurt and disappointed by how he handled the computer problem with me. I said if he wanted to talk about it I would be willing to do that.

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He emailed me again, this time blasting me for wanting him to do my job for me. His words were defensive and angry and I let them go.

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It wasn't that important to me. But the more I thought about it, I don't need to be right. I don't need to let conflict fester. So I walked in his office. He greeted me immediately. I told him I knew emailing back and forth was not the best thing and asked if he would like to make some time to clear the air. He readily agreed. I could tell he was relieved.

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Two years ago this month the end was spinning wildly with the most difficult conflict I've ever had with someone I cared about. Resolution has not been possible. If forgiveness is to happen, it will probably happen without acknowledgement. That makes me sad. But I know I won't hold on to the negatives. It's harder for me to choose to care and not to blame or defend, but I know that is the best way for me. No face to face resolution, but who am I to say? Maybe the blessings that got overlooked find a way to hover safely in the sky that unites.

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I leave you today with mish mash images of JB's weekend birthday. Happy happy birthday, JB Ms. Petunia. Here's wishing you at least fifty more.

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Oh, one more thing. You know that question: would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?

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Honestly, I think the answer is a no-brainer. Love the people you love whether they are here or there. Love yourself. This is what I know today and I'm passing it on just in case you may have forgotten.

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love

kj