Thursday 13: A Year in Review--Sort Of

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Okay, I am going to start right here. There is no order to this, it is not by month, it does not cover the whole year, it does not include all my favorites. But here is some of my 2009:

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These days I talk more frequently about my heart sisters from blogging. They and it have been a big part of life this year. Can you imagine receiving this as a holiday gift, one of two incredible angels from my twinklierest twin, Angela Recada. I keep this on my desk so I can touch it and and every time I look at it I feel so grateful, not just that I have an angel of my own, but that I get to watch Angela and so many other talented artists paint and create before my eyes. I just love that.

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There are so many artists and painters in Provincetown because it is known for its light. But I've only seen a pink sky twice. The one before this one was so pink it lit up everything.

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I started to draw this year. I drew when I was 11, 12 years and I always doodle, but I'm going to try to learn how to draw. My inspiration comes directly from right here, especially Lolo and Mim. Here is a true story about drawing : A 4 year daughter asks her father what he does at work. "I teach grownups to draw," he says. She puts her hand to her mouth, surprised, and says, "You mean they forgot?"

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About three miles up the road from my house, from June through September, you can get a large lobster roll for $ 6.95. That is unheard of. I love doing this, an Sunday afternoon, around three o'clock, taking a little drive for lobster rolls.

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Ah, what a good day this was. I sold 23 books. For the most part I love doing this, sitting out on a warm day talking to people browsing, talking about my book.....

I fell in love this year with a four year old girl this year who has had a tough time of it. As her therapist, here I am sticking my tongue out at her daycare center, letting her use my camera. I have struggled this year about her, about how much to get involved. Her mother gave up parental rights this fall and is available for adoption, essentially a roll-the-dice prayer that she will be lucky. I am too old. I really am.

Hydrangeas from my very own yard. I planted the bushes myself. JB and I can now have fresh flowers from the yard all season long. I am very pleased about that.

For several days in August Jess and Mike and Mr. Ryan and Baby Drew and JB and I vacationed in Ptown. Every morning around 6:30 JB and I would take Mr. Ryan one block to the bay, where it was low tide and we could walk way out in wet gooey fun sand.

This is as good a shot as any to highlight the fact that I work in a poor community with a fair amount of high crime.

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Look at her. She turned 94 yesterday, and she is as happy as I've ever seen her. My Mother lives in an incredible place called a Rest Home, with 29 other residents, all with their own rooms, and with a staff who manage to quietly provide a ton of support while making it look like none is needed. Dignity and independence. I think you can see the result of that on my Mother's face.


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I cannot tell you why I like this shot of my kitchen counter at the start of the holidays.

This box has actual LoVe in it. Love that you can run your fingers through, feel with ease, breathe it in and give it back at the same time. This is the "We-Treasure-You Chest" that found its way to Renee on Christmas Eve. It carried the gifts and cards and loyalties of forty people from around the world. Let me tell you--it was an honor to prepare and send this box, a total joyful giddy happy exciting honor.





I won't even try to explain why I love this casino and why I love playing those quarter slot machines. Has to be an addiction, right, all that dopamine exciting my brain. I just think it's the most fun. I only go twice a year or so and I always lose. But two weeks ago I went and won. I won $ 565. I won't use the O word to describe it this time so I'll just say it was thrilling.





This is in front of Mr. Ryan's house. Every time I look at this picture I can remember him flying down the sidewalk, exhilarated. I loved watching him, hearing him squeal.

It is a warm day in August with a brilliant sun and I am lying at Herring Cove Beach in Provincetown. Sometimes when I am at the beach I understand and feel my place in the larger picture.

Ptown again. These are the flower cottages, each named after a flower. They are booked two or three years in advance, families returning year after year. The beach and ocean bay is right behind them. Someday I would love to rent several of the flower cottages and stay there with some of my favorite people.

There was a fire down the street from me this year. A whole apartment building burned to the ground. I don't know if I should admit that I like watching fires. Well, not really 'like,' but I am in awe. When I opened my business (OPTIONS), my first office was three rooms over a general store, and everything in it totally burned from a fire one early morning. It was unbelievable.

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And last, Mr. Drew. He was born in April and is just beginning to crawl. He smiles so easily, he loves being held. I love having small children in my life again.

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Earlier this week I posted the first half of my 2009 Moleskine. Now I've posted about half of the photos I would choose from 2009. There will probably be sequels.
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It was not an easy year. That may be an understatement. But I think I am almost alright again. And from 'alright' I think/hope I will comfortably settle into myself. I'm looking forward to a good year. And not just for me.

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Love

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kj ♥

Animal Wednesday: Emily and the Winner Is...

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Hello everyone, it's me Emily. How are you today? Did you already make and break your New Year's Revolutions? If you did, I am going to give you a suggestion that I can guarantee works every time. But first remember I said I would be a Guest Blogger for anyone who helped raising money or doing nice things?

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Altogether kj has $ 385 for someone's acting lessons (kj won't let me say her name, I could make one up but why should I?) and $ 75 for Dr. Maithri's International Dreams Project. Plus several very nice secret deeds that will help someone else.

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I have just finished the Grand Drawing to see who gets me as a Guest Blogger. I did not cheat.

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Guess who won? MARION!

kj said Marion is a Heart Sister. If I had sisters like that, they would be Jelly Sisters. Or Pea Sisters. or maybe IDon'tCareandYouShouldn'tEither Sisters.

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'

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So Marion: I will write about whatever you want. Please remember I cannot write about Sex or Food (desserts are okay). I can write about anything else though. Once I wrote about Janis Joplin who was a friend of my Uncle Bunny. Just let me know. I will do my best this one time.

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So now here's what to do if you break your New Year's Revolutions:

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1. Pace but just for one minute or less

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2. Repeat ten times "Oh well, too bad"

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3. Ask someone nice to tell you why they like you.

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4. Make a new Revolution that involves either having fun, rolling down hills or telling someone mean to get lost fast.

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5. If you are still having a hard time, don't make any Revolutions and instead learn some jokes and start telling them to random people.

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I hope this helps you. I am wishing everyone a Happy New Year from Bunnyville and Rabbit Junction and every garden I visited last year, plus from kj's house at # 9.

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Yours truly,

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Emily V. V. Rabbit

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P.S. to my best friend Marianne, you didn't win because I didn't cheat. Please don't be sad because maybe some time I will cheat anyway and then you will win for sure.

Notes from my Moleskine

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First off, this may be too l-o-o-n-g. I'm not sure yet. I am writing this alot for myself, so if at any time you lose interest please feel free to skedoodle. (Did I make this word up?)
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Do you have a journal or some notebook where you write things down, carry it along for those moments when a muse may visit you and if you don't record it the inspiration or information will be gone?

I use a Moleskine. I am on my fifth one and because the cover and binding is so solid, when I've filled one up I store it away in my top desk drawer and I think they will all still be there years later. Maybe Jessica, or even Ryan may some day go through my Moleskines and find me right there in those pages.

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I haven't made resolutions for the new year (except will I have book # 2 done and ready to be published?) but right now, right this minute, I am looking back in my Moleskine, starting in January 09, to see what stands out in this last year. I doubt I'll be surprised. There's no order in particular, but some selectivity and omissions.
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One more thing: if it has an * after it, the credit does not belong to me.

. January 09 & on...
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We agree to take time away from one another until Spring but she calls the next day. How many times has that happened--one of us unable to let even a day pass--maybe 500 times?
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Priya the Healer asks me, "What will you add this year? Focus on that, not what you will take away. What will you add?" I write a list, and the first thing on it is "I will literally run toward someone I am excited to see, with abandon, with my arms outreached."
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You might find me in those moments when all those pillows are not enough.
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Sign on a bumper: I Break for Saucy Wenches
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"The moment was short but it lasted forever." *
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She is somebody who walks away. I didn't know that.
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"Don't try so hard. It comes in a shiver sometimes."*
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"One song is worth a thousand history books." *
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There's nothing I wanted more than to be walking on the same path.
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We land at LA Airport and the cell phone message from my brother is that my nephew--his son, died this morning.
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Donna the Past Life Woman: "Let things go into chaos. Let things be out of control. What you resist or run away from grows bigger.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm speaking ill of you and I don't want that.

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I never needed as much as she thought I did but I did need more.
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"God likes it better when I hand the bone over." *
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"Don't shoot the second arrow." *
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I'm learning about clean pain versus dirty pain: Wow God, I get a choice?
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The next time someone tells you they've had a half dozen marriage proposals, you might want to consider that a red flag....
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Euterpe = muse of music and poetry
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You lose two people in grief: the other person and the person you are with the other person.
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Victoria came up with this title for a book and we laughed: "Before the Cat Died"
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Me to some clients: Do you know your little girl--the one inside you who went through all that? You're an adult now. Do you know you can mother her, you can help her know she's safe now?
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You can't remember when you painted that? And you're calling Stella 'some one's dog?' Why do you do that?
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From my 13 year old client in foster care, talking about her mother, "I don't want to be with her because she makes so many mistakes. She would be a very bad influence on me. I don't want to live with someone who keeps making mistakes because then I will make mistakes too."

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I love this child. Can I, should I adopt her if no one else does? I am too old, and the whole idea makes JB very understandably very uncomfortable. But she's only 4 and she's been through so much. I don't think I can knowingly let her be harmed again. Not horrible harm, anyway. And being sent to live with her grandfather in Puerto Rico could be horrible harm.
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Seen on a church sign: Who would Jesus bomb?
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"Stand tall in a stiff wind."* Yup, I like that.
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kj, try this for the first line of a new chapter? "When there wasn't a last goodnight, there was a first good morning."
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Sign on a Springfield Church: Waiting for Holy Winds.
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♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Okay, these snippets from my Moleskine run through June 2009. There may be a Part 2 to this. Maybe it will be more optimistic. :)

By the way, I do not like being so serious.

Love

kj

New Year's Light

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The theme for this post is very loose. It's about one of my favorite words: light.

It's the first word Jessica said, at seven months, pointing up from the back seat of the car.

Into the Light.

Lighten Up.

StarLight.

Bud Light.

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It's New Year's Eve Day in Northampton...

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...Into the Afternoon...

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...And through the lights of the #9 Walkway...

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...Starting with Drinks

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and ending with Chocolate Pudding Cake

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And Everything in Between...

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...Good Friends and Laughs Well Past Midnight...

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....(One of the good friends being Stella)...

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...And out into the Night...

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...Where the Colors of the World will Shine just for You...






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Shine Over and Over sometimes,

Until You Finally Look Up

and Say, 'Thanks."

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Love
kj

The First Signs of a New Year

I am on vacation this week and the days are flying by.

This is not a vacation traveling or visiting some place interesting. This is a week when I stay home, putter, let time unfold however it wants, do fun things I haven't had time for.

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One day this week JB and I drove 15 miles or so to the little town of Ashfield. You know it's little because the down town area, the center, the village, whatever you want to call it, only has three buildings.

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One building is a hardware store on the left and a pizza place on the right.

This is the story of lunch at the pizza place.

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JB and I ordered two drinks, one cup of artichoke and mushroom soup, one piece of cornbread, two bowls of rigatoni and meatballs, and one chocolate chip cookie.
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The bill came to $ 13 and a few cents.

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This is life in the country. Actually Ashfield is one of the Hilltowns. That is a local term for the small towns that together comprise the Hilltowns.

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Keep it Simple. That's the message I get from all this.

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That's one of my hopes for the new year. Not just for me, but for you too.

Love
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kj

Once in a Blue Moon

It might have been an up and down year,

and I am mostly glad to see it end,

but boy-oh-boy

did I find some great friends

and true-blue Heart Sisters along the way.

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In that regard, I am the luckiest duck.

Animal Wednesday: Emily's Rabbit's New Year Resolutions

Hello everyone, it's me, Emily. I am sitting here on kj's computer ready to write out my New Year's Revolutions. I don't usually do that but this year I have been motivated because I have this story that I write every week and I got arrested this last year and then I had fun on vacation with my friends Gregory Squirrel and Muck, Truck and F--k Duck (kj told me I can't say that word on her blog but isn't that ridiculous because that is F--k Duck's name and it's not his fault his mother named him that so it's certainly not my fault that is his name).

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Anyway, here are my New Year's Revolutions:

.1. Exercise my legs and feet more so when I fall on the floor crying and kicking my feet in the air I will have more strength and be able to do it for longer because the longer I cry and have a temper tantrum like that the more likely I might end up getting my way, although this doesn't always work because sometimes I end up getting punished, but I still think it's a good idea to have strong legs and feet just in case.

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2. Save some money that no one else knows about and don't spend any of it on jellybeans because then if I am ever arrested again (it was not my fault!) I will be able to pay my own bail money and then kj won't be able to lecture me that I should not have had a temper tantrum in front of the Church Board Members and then the Police Officers. (That wasn't my fault either and really it was not fun when I was arrested because I got scared even though I tried not to show it).

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3. Get that Marshmallows pellet gun that kj's friend Susan suggested and practice shooting marshmallows instead of frozen peas and brussels sprouts all the time. If the marshmallows don't sound as good when they hit something, tham the same part of this revolution is that I will experiment with new frozen vegetables, like long carrots or sliced green peppers (spears maybe?). You can't always get frozen peas, you know: you might think that it is easy for me to come up with the right frozen vegetables all the time but the truth is I have to work at it sometimes and if I had a wider variety it would be easier for me especially when I was mad and had to throw something fast.

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4. I am going to give lessons on how to roll down hills because I can tell too many people are too uptight and probably out of shape and even worse, total scardy cats to start rolling anywhere, not in the living room or on the bed or even in the bathtub, let alone down a hill. So I am thinking I might charge a small fee which I will put in my secret savings (see above get-out-of-jail fund) and show everyone who wants to learn how to loosen up and roll roll roll. If you think this is a bad idea, ask yourself how many times you worry when you could be rolling down a hill instead and that will tell you the right answer.

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5. I am going to always be nice to my best friend Marianne., who is always nice to me even though her family thinks she is strange to be friends with a rabbit, especially best friends. I sent her a mug for Christmas and I knew she would like it and she did. She put it in her cabinet with her dishes and I think it will make her smile every time she sees it because who else would you think of but me when you look at this mug? Besides, when she has hot chocolate in it she will see my little ears pop up and won't that be the most fun?

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6. If any one hurts my feelings next year I am going to immediately stomp my feet and tell them they are mean. If that doesn't work I am going to ask them to apologize because they hurt my feelings. If that doesn't work I am either going to cry (just little whimpers at first) or yell at them to get lost until they can be nice to me. If that doesn't work I am going to either cry (loud from my stomach at this point) or I am going to just leave and tell myself I do not deserve to have any one who isn't nice to me around me. I think this is very good advice for not just me so you might think about adding this to your New Year's Revolutions too.

7. I am going to ask everyone in kj's neighborhood if I can just take the carrots and radishes from their gardens whenever I want to so I won't have to steal them. If they say no, see # 6 above.

8. I am also thinking about giving lessons on how to tell certain people (it might work on animals too, I'm not sure) how to get lost, take a hike, disappear, go to hell even (I hope kj does not read this because I think this is a swear word too, right?) Even though I am more sensitive than you might think, I know my limits and I don't mind being nice to myself especially when someone else should be nice to me but they are not, so what else can you do in that situation except blame yourself or tell the other person to get lost etc. Even though I am little I think it is not very good for me to blame myself too much, right? So if you want lessons let me know, but maybe if you just practice this first you won't even need lessons.

9. Another revolution is that I would like to learn to throw pots and pans against walls. And maybe eggs too.

10. And my last revolution for 2010, only because I am not 100% selfish, just 90%, is that kj gets everything she wants: that her friend Renee has a healthy year, that there is peace in Iran, that kj's lost friend decides she doesn't have to pretend anymore that they didn't love each other, that kj finishes her second book, and that kj's family and friends prosper and are silly. (kj wants alot, don't you think?, but I don't mind making a revolution for her this one time.)

Oh, I am not going to draw who wins me as a guest columnist until next week. I know I am putting it off but sometimes even little rabbits get preoccupied. Oh, and another thing, if you want to tell me the word is "Resolutions" and not "Revolutions", that is okay but I still like my way better.

I hope everyone has a Happy New Year.

Yours truly,

Emily Rabbit

The Best Gifts

What did I get for Christmas? Can you tell by my smile that I liked it all?

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This was a different Christmas for me. I am starting a new life, really. As dramatic as that sounds, it's true. Not on the outside, maybe, but I have been cracked open--my heart--and there's no stuffing the passion that's spilled out back inside. I wouldn't want to and I can't.
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So this Christmas I knew it was up to me to make it whatever I hoped for.
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I started with my clients. No, that is not true. I started with
Renee.
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Julie Ann came up with this idea of a collective love fest of holiday gifts to Renee. We sent out some emails and left secret messages on her friends' old posts, and by the time the mailing 'deadline' came round, almost 40 of us had sent gifts and cards to my home here at # 9, where I would send them on to this wonderful wise woman in Winnipeg.
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Preparing Renee's We-Treasure-You chest was the easiest act of love I will ever do. This huge box was filled to the brim, packages from Ireland and Malaysia and England and Australia and Canada and across the United States, from California to Rhode Island. It was the easiest act of love I will ever do. It filled me with an endless Christmas spirit that I still feel right this minute.
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And then my clients. I am a traveling Psychotherapist these days: I see an even number of children and adults in their homes or schools, sometimes in the front seat of my car.
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My clients are notably poor, often traumatized and neglected in ways that no one should ever endure. All my adult clients have been wounded as children, and their pain is often just as current as the children who are also my clients, who are in foster care, many without the love and protection of a Mother or Father.

It would have been easy for Christmas to be pretty depressing in this circumstance. But that is not how it came down for me. For one thing, Debra Kay sent me this amazing box of toys and toiletries and games and books and I got to give them to 2 year old Jacob, 4 year old Angelina, 6 year old Mac, 10 year old Daisy, 17 year old Frannie, 48 year old Alice. (the names are made up, I don't like that but I have to.)
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And Mim gave me two winter coats in perfect condition. Those went to Daisy's mother, and you should have seen her giddiness trying them on.
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And then there was Emily's auction. Thanks to art auctions by
Marianne and Caroline, and straight out contributions by many heart sisters and blog friends, we raised $ 400 for the summer program (acting lessons) of a 13 year old girl who, if things fall right, will be the first and only in her family and community to make it to college, to become a mechanical engineer, to live and work in Japan as a Cartoon Animator. That is her dream, to be able to pursue that, to live like that.
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So you can see that the spirit of Christmas started early and strong for me. But there is more.
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I knew my holidays had begun when I sat in my friend Lolo's studio and dining room a few weeks ago and we shared presents and she fixed lunch for us and she showed me some computer graphic tricks. It is a special treat to have a friend who is so talented and artistic. Mim and I pulled off a surprise that day: Mim, who could not make our trip to Provincetown with Debra Kay, showed up at Lolo's door, a face to face surprise for three women who were clearly friends long before they stood in the same room and breathed the same air.
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And my mailbox this year. For some reason every card and every call was special and heartfelt. I love catching up with old friends this way, but this year I was bestowed with cards and gifts from my friends born from the blogs, and every greeting was a total treat. On each envelope I looked at the handwriting with delight: ah! that is how Baino writes! Oh, what a lovely message from Renee! OMG, Mim hand painted that card for me! Oh Babs, can you ever paint! Oh Angela, those angels--oh thank you so much Angela. And Lori, didn't we laugh from the first second--what a gift that was! I could go on. The mail person and the gods and godesses brought me very special gifts this year, very very special gifts.
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But let me now tell you about my very favorite present this year. It was not a present for me at all, but a present I gave. To JB. It was a present first given to me by a woman I adore, my beloved friend Valerie Walsh who one day asked me why I was looking at all her old posts and Illustration Fridays, asked me outright if I was looking for one for the cover of my book, then asked me if she could do me the honor of painting something original for the cover, a gift from her in honor of my first book, she said, anything I wanted.
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This Christmas Val chose the frame and matting and I surprised JB with this original painting of her Magic Cottage, the same cottage that is in our side yard--JB's studio--and that is the incredibly beautiful cover of my first published book. I wanted to include a picture of this painting but I couldn't get the brilliant aqua frame to stop looking blue. Another time, surely.
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Oh Val, I keep holding the painting in my hand and I am in awe. It is beautiful in every way. Thank you, friend. ♥
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And here's the last best part. It started when JB opened Val's painting. My son-in-law Mike looked at it and said, 'Wow.' And Jessica said 'Wow'. And then I had put six of Lolo's cards in Mike's stocking, and given JB a framed shot of her in the kitchen, the morning shadow hitting her just right. And I talking about Marianne's mandalas, Tessa's calender, Mim's Ms. Em. And more.
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Just before Jess left for her own home I showed her a beautiful ATC mandala painting Marianne had given me for my birthday, and I could tell she loved it. I whisked up one of the two black 2 x3 frame JB had just given me in my stocking and I handed both to Jess. "Take it," I said. "I want you to have it."
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Jess looked at the little painting, smiled, and said, "I wish I had some artists like this in my life."
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That was the best part. The best gift ever. A certain way of seeing, of loving and sharing, a way of living fully and passionately-- is being handed to my daughter. Of all my presents this holiday season, that is the best one.
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Thank you, all, so much for being part of my new life. Please don't think I have arrived anywhere advanced or self actualized or problem-free, because I am a bona fide searcher, just feeling my way, trying the best I can. Probably just like you....
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Love

kj ♥

The Days After...

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How was your Christmas? Mine was better than expected. It started off by appreciating that I had managed to buy and give the gifts I wanted to without malls and without fuss. I did the best I could and I felt good about all of it.

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Not all of the gifts I gave or received were tangible or material or gift wrapped. Some were simply kind acts, experiences, some were cards or messages I put together with my own hand, others were the best of all: time.

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My Christmas officially began Christmas Eve. Our friends arrived and we had the most wonderful dinner: first cheese fondue with french bread, and then fondue again, this time shrimp, chicken, steak, each piece dipped in either chili sauce or sour cream with curry, or soy. And a salad with Great Nama's balsamic dressing (the secret is the salt). Yum!

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There is snow on the ground here and it is cold. But the sun is here too. And look at this moss on my walkway. I love moss.

Our friends stayed over night and the next morning other friends came over too and we all had a fine breakfast together. JB and I were totally behind the 8 ball wrapping gifts and we really had no time because we were joining my mother for Christmas Lunch at her rest home and Jessica and her family were due to arrive at 2 PM. Yikes!
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But my friend Marsha sat with me and we somehow managed to get everything wrapped. I have the best friends. I've said it before and it's so totally true.



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I wish I had brought my camera to the Rest Home. It was amazing. There are 30 residents there, my Mom included. Each has her/his own room and the food is home cooked and served family style. Guests are invited at all times and there is no charge.
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The menu was turkey with all the fixings and baked stuffed shrimp. My Jessica had asked for baked stuffed shrimp to be on our menu Christmas Night and I had bought jumbo shrimp to oblige. But I've never made this before, and time was going to be tight.
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I asked the Rest Home if I could buy some of the already made shrimp because there was a ton of it. Instead, they wrapped up a dozen for me and said "merry Christmas'. That was another of my special gifts this year.







My family and I began our celebration on Christmas day and it extended until the next day.

I totally love it when Jess and Mike and Mr. Ryan and Baby Drew are here with JB and me.
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It is the most special time.
. JB & my Mom

Ryan loved his presents, he actually calmly opened one at a time. He slept with JB and me that night, on the floor for the first time in a sleeping bag and not a pack and play, along with the two dogs--a real slumber party. He woke us up at 5 am, and I have not recovered yet, having had too little sleep for several nights before.
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But was it all worth it. We are a family who
enjoys being together. We opened presents,
played with the kids, had a grown up meal Christmas night when the boys were sleepily in bed.

Seeing Jess and my Mother together almost always brings me to tears. They love one another so totally. Jess and I headed over to the Rest Home the next morning, without the kids, so she and my Mom could just spend time together.




Ryan got these sunglasses for Christmas. He thinks he is very cool with them on, but what he cared most about was going to the window with them on to see how things looked outside. It was too grey a day to satisfy his curiosity, so we used his flashlight, which worked just fine.


And baby Drew: now eight months old, laid back and charming. He smiles almost all the time. And he crawls--man, does he crawl.

I am on vacation for all of next week. JB and I have already to planned to see three movies; along with Marsha we're going to Mohegan Sun in Connecticut to play the slot machines (a near orgasmic experience for me, even though I almost always lose); we'll celebrate the holiday with our sister friend Liz.

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And it seems we will have some good friends here for New Year's Eve. We will do a gourmet pot luck of sorts so the food will be fantastic and we will laugh our heads off into the wee hours.

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I still find myself saying that I've missed someone this holiday, and it's likely that's the way it will continue to be, but I make a practice to send a quiet hello and healing wishes in my prayers each morning. That comforts me somehow. And compared to last Christmas--I know I am so much better than I was then.

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One last thing: one of the most special parts of this holiday season, without doubt, is the connections I have made through blogging. I've received and shared cards and gifts and special well wishes and each has contributed to my holidays in the most wonderful ways.

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And 2010? Here's hoping....