Opposites

Is it true you can't have joy without sorrow? Or up without down? Here are a few dualities that catch my attention these days:

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1. The inner city where I work is 80% poor and 20% middle class. Following yesterday's snow storm, today I could barely navigate along neighborhood streets because they were so poorly plowed. Except in that 20% area: Clean to the pavement. Now why would that be?

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2. For all the fear that accompanies losing your job, I've probably counseled several hundred people in that circumstance, and once the dust settles, their strongest emotion is relief, closely followed by hopeful anticipation.

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3. It's well known across all species in the animal kingdom (human beings included) that when you feel secure you venture out and when you don't you cling.

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4. Person #1 is constantly seeking change to improve the relationship and get what they want, which is more contact more care. On the other hand Person # 2 wants acceptance of the status quo, and so they work to keep the relationship stable, predictable, and unemotional. Person # 2 doesn't see change as an advantage. Person # 1 thinks that Person # 2 is the problem because she/he won't change. But when Person # 2 contemplates a change requested by Person # 1, Person # 2 thinks that to change is to capitulate or be controlled by somebody else. Stalemate! (Pia Mellody) (Just so you know why some relationships fall apart)

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5. Yesterday the temperature was 32 degrees F and it felt like summer. That is because the average temp has been zero to ten degrees for weeks now.

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6. I have the luxury of feeling sorry for myself for big and small reasons and here's my four year doll of a client who's been in foster care for two months now and her mother hasn't show up to see her and her two brothers for the last two scheduled visits.

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Have a good weekend, everyone! January in New England is moving on and I am already practicing the rites of Spring!

Today

From every town and corner and possible place

They like I came with a full force wish

That the world will change today:

That voices will soften

And resolve will harden

And we the people will look to ourselves,

Extend a hand, yes,

Open an ear, yes

But start and end in our own gardens.

Move from words to wisdom:

Self reliance. Wide compassion.

Hard work. Inclusion. Acceptance.

This is what may have changed today.

This is the road forward,

And count me in.

Thoughts on a Chilly Night

It's cold around here.

And there are so many branches reaching out in so many directions,

some too fragile to withstand the color of water.

It's beautiful, but still, the chill brings a shudder.

And I, somewhere on the road to someplace,

Look up for guidance

And down for footing:

I, like one of these branches,

Will wait for the thaw to know what's next.

GIVE ME A CLEAN HEART: Part 2

Here are the chords. My explanation comes after.

(C)
Give me a clean heart
(f)
Give me a clean heart
(C) w/d
Give me a clean heart
Am (D7) (G)
May I be born anew
(C)
Give me a clean heart
(F) w/d (Dm)
Give me a brand new start
(G) (C) w/d (Am) (G) (C)
Give me a clean heart that I may follow you

(C) (F)
Many’s the day I stood by the roadside
(C) w/d (Am) (D7) (G)
No one knows how I cried waiting for you
(C) (F) w/d (Dm)
And then you came here, filled me with love so dear
(G) (C) w/d (Am)
So far away, and yet so near
(G) (C) F w/d C
You always come through

Several weeks ago my friend and fellow writer Lora and I decided to collaborate and sing the following song together, she playing the mandolin and I the guitar. What made this decision "unique" is that Lora has never played a mandolin and I have yet to learn to tune my guitar, let alone strum, play or otherwise do anything but hold it.

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We chose "Give Me a Clean Heart" because it is a simple and beautiful song written by our friend and writing guru Nerissa Nields. Lora and I parted with our intention stated, and nothing more until today, when she emailed me the cords and a note that she is readying.

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I hadn't seen all the words to "Clean Heart" before today, and I read them now with special significance, in more ways than one.

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I should mention that I have never ever played any musical instrument and my last singing engagement was preparing for my first communication at age seven, at which time the nun-in-charge directed me to move my lips and cease all sound from my enthusiastic lungs and voice box. I haven't recovered from that direction yet, so you can imagine I'm wondering why the f--- I've agreed to do this all!

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So if all goes well I will learn to tune the guitar I have never played, and then I will learn the four chords to "Clean Heart". Then, and only then, I will decide if there is any chance in holy hell that I will sing out loud.

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Want to hear this wonderful song? Click here and be inspired:

http://www.amazon.com/Give-Me-a-Clean-Heart/dp/B0019IV8H6

Finally. A Good Day.

I had a good day today. Finally. There are good reasons for it:

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1. I spent the morning marketing my book. Finally. I phoned, emailed and sent information sheets to a local bookstore, my local library, several newspapers, a few magazines, and one book reviewer. This is the first step in launching a bona fide publicity campaign.

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2. I saw a Physiatrist about a limiting pain in my heel and he told me physical therapy should clear it up. Finally.

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3. It was terrific to see said Physiatrist without shrinking from the guilt of being unhelpfully overweight. I have now lost 36 pounds. I look like a thin person who is a bit overweight. Seventeen pounds to go. Finally.

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4. I had my hair colored red: well, a darker version of strawberry blond. Finally, I like the color and the cut.

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5. A box of 1000 glossy postcards advertising my book arrived at my kitchen door tonight. My friend Bill designed them for me and, like everything he does, they are AWESOME.

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6. I started my weekly writing class again tonight. I like every single person in the group, including a vibrant woman and terrific writer I can envision as a nearby friend.

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7. It looks like I'm beginning a second novel, currently titled 'Mutiny On The Open Heart.' Finally. Since I'm sadly learning something about devotion these days, I might as deal with my emotion positively.

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8. Acceptance comes hard for me when it means letting go, but at its core I know that I want the people I love to be happy, as well as myself. So I'm going to stop wrestling with acceptance and just pray for the best outcome. Finally.

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9. I love and appreciate my laptop computer, and I love and appreciate so many of the people I've met blogging.

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10. I have a kind blog-friend who sends me cheery emails almost every day. And a few days ago she sent me a book called 'Wide Open: On Living with Passion and Purpose'. The little things? They aren't little...

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Ten starfish instead of seaweed today. Finally. Here's wishing you a good day too. And thanks a million for being here. And there.

Natural Highs

Tonight I found myself revisiting some of my old essays and prior posts. The following, entitled Natural Highs, appeared on my blog two years ago. It turns out my mother did not reach her goal of staying in her house, world peace is fractured and shaky, and I am currently (bravely) confused. But I welcome my self of two years ago to remind myself that the little things hugely matter.

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January 04, 2007

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Some times when I blog I think about how easy it would be for me to present a totally false picture of who I am and what my life is like. And because I tend to be an optimist who has put a lot of years and effort into not appearing vulnerable to others, I am always tempted to put a positive spin on anything I write here.

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A couple of years ago I kicked and screamed my way into a life circumstance that required, insisted, demanded that I not only accept my own vulnerability but that I live my life without so much effort to hide it. In counseling lingo, this is called congruence: being the same person on the outside that you are on the inside.

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The result has been a giant relief. I am a happier and more relaxed person these days. My ego is in check most of the time—I don’t need to be right, recognized or special. I am not as afraid to cry or have my feelings hurt or let it be known that I sometimes don’t have a clue what I’m doing or why. I can see that I am kinder and gentler to other people. I am a better listener. I understand more what it means to be grateful and alive.

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HOWEVER: there are mornings when I wake up and don’t know if I’m happy or sad. There are times when I’m re-evaluating my choices and options over and over again. And there are times when fear freezes me shut and my insecurities scream at me that I am a lousy counselor, that I will never be a real writer or a loving partner and mother and friend, or for that matter, a worthy person. There are moments when I am clueless, afraid, consumed, confused, lost, selfish, and pathetic.

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With the start of a new year, I’m prone to take a deeper look inside and hope that I can and will navigate my life honorably and purposefully. I am clearly a fortunate person: I live in a free country, I have comfortable means, I love deeply and am loved back, I have a career, I know about wonder and grace, and I don't often overlook the miracle of sunrises and sunsets, flying geese, and, now even, petrichor.

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With all these thoughts in my head this week, I arrive at my mother's, who is soon to be 91, who lives in the house my father and his father built with their own hands. My weekly visits have become harder for me because my mother is failing. Her memory is less every time I see her and she has recently begun to say aloud that “something just doesn’t feel right”. She is determined to stay in this little Cape Cod house for the rest of her life, and I am trying to help pull this off for her.

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So the context of all of this, as I’m gathering and dealing with the weekly bills and paperwork that accumulate on my mother’s kitchen table, I come across a hokey little inspirational flyer sent to her by the hearing aid company where she just purchased, and just as quickly misplaced, her new hearing aids.I ’m ready to throw this hokey little flyer away as I skim it. But I don’t throw it away. I have it in front of me right now because it says things, even hokey things, that I know are true—things that make a difference in how my days go and when and whether I am content.

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I imagine this little flyer, entitled “Natural Highs”, was written for older people. But because it ding-a-ling-rings true for me, and because I know from my own experience that life is not always easy or understandable, even when everything seems to be ok, I am sharing it with you too. Perhaps, like me, it may help you appreciate what really matters when you most need to know that:

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Natural Highs

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Laughing so hard your face hurts

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Seeing a rainbow

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A hot shower

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Falling in love (Current statement: I'm not so sure of this one)

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A special glance

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No lines at your favorite place to shop

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Getting personal mail/email

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Ice cream on a hot day in the shade

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Taking a ride on back roads

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Hearing your favorite song

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Lying in bed listening to the rain outside

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Hot towels out of the dryer

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Finding that special item you want on sale for half price

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Having a child tell you that you are awesome

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A good conversation

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Receiving a letter or a care package

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Finding a $ 20 bill in your coat from last winter

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Friends

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Receiving flowers

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Overhearing someone say something nice about you

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Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours to sleep

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Receiving home-made baked goods from someone

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A back rub

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Finishing a great book or movie

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Getting invited somewhere special

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Laughing at an inside joke

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I could add another dozen or more experiences or events that make me take notice that I am happy. I’ll bet you could too. Please add any you'd like! Maybe today, and tomorrow, you might seek out and have as many “natural highs” as possible. Sometimes you just have to notice and there they are. Sometimes they don’t take away my tears or questions, but they do remind me that perhaps life at its core is actually very simple...

Creatively Speaking...

This post is a repeat: first written one Sunday, August 19, 2007. I've been traveling back through my old blogs, kind of a review of where I've been in the service of where I'm headed.

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I've always felt creativity in some form is mandatory, not optional. I've said it before and here it is again:

ART and CREATIVITY

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When my daughter was about seven years old,
she asked me one day what I did at work.
I told her worked at the college--that my job was to
teach people how to draw.
She stared back at me, incredulous, and said,"You mean they forget?"
Howard Ikemoto
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I'm here to say that art and creativity are mandatory to happiness. It's easy enough believe or pretend that is not so, for any number of reasons:

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I don't have time
I'm not a real artist
I have nothing worth saying
I'm not sure what I'm doing
Other people are so much better than I am
I'm only a novice
I've never been trained
I've never had an exhibit
I've never been published
I just dabble
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Misconceptions about this subject always surprise me. It seems too many of us believe if you don't seriously paint, or write, or sculpt or design something, you can't possibly be an artist or a creative person. And yet, I look around me and I see artists and creative souls everywhere--all ages, all sizes, all mediums--some professionally committed to earning a living from their art, others just beginning to take themselves seriously, others engaged in planting gardens, cooking dinners, coordinating accessories, taking photos, planning parties, drawing cartoons, singing songs, spinning tales, making cards, painting furniture, giving gifts, crafting, performing, providing, trying, stretching, sharing.
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It's probably true most of us have to fight for the time to play in the service of art. But guess what? You have to, because if you don't, some part of you will wither. I am pretty sure I am right about this.
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Somehow in the process of growing up too many of us lost sight of the importance of play. That loss may have made you a better money manager or a more grounded person, but if you've sacrified creativity and play, think again. It's not optional. Really, truly, I don' think it is.
As for me and my own version of creativity:
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Writing is easy:
all you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper
until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
Gene Fowler
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But here's the thing: I wouldn't have it any other way. Never, not even, no can do. It's too much fun, even when I'm doubled over, trying to outshout my own worse critic, and guess who that is.......

Mr. Ryan's Weather Forecast

Two-to-four inches of snow, dropping temperatures, Freezing rain, and awesome snowballs...

Speaking of Light...

Have you ever noticed how uncomfortable it is when you know full well that you are turning a corner, aware of the ground and place you are leaving, but completely in the dark about where you will land? I'm pretty sure I'm at one of those turning points, waiting for guidance, bracing for change, hoping for the best.

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Meanwhile, last night I looked around and saw light. It was an ordinary night: jb on one couch reading and I on the other studying my tarot cards. And yet the light looked different. It glowed differently in every room. I take this as a good sign.

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(Note: to the left is one of the wall hangings JB makes in the Magic Cottage)

Sometimes you need to look for a sign from the Universe that all will be well.
Okay. Sign accepted...

Happy New Year!

My friend Studio Lolo has tagged me to list five things I do every day to keep my spirit happy and healthy. Before I begin, an admission is in order: I am not presently that happy or healthy. I am confused and searching. When I think of the gestalt of my blog, I see it as a place where inspiration, creativity, and love rise from even an occasional ash of despair. Lately though, I'm struggling and I'm sure that shows here in small and large ways.

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Still, I know I'm growing. I'm alive. My search reaches for balance and passion and acceptance, qualities I welcome even when the journey's hard.

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There. Now on to five things I do to keep my spirit engaged and vibrant (Lolo, I had to substitute words!):

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1. I start every morning with a fresh strong cup of coffee, the morning newspaper, and normally a bowl of vanilla yogurt with cut up apples (or pears) and macadamia nuts. I try to let myself linger for at least 10, sometimes 15, minutes before I start my routine of getting ready for the day.

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2. I notice what's around me. I look at the sky and feel the air and sometimes I take my camera with me and stop my walk or my car to snap a certain leaf or an abandoned building. I try to see. And hear. And feel.

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3. I look at my role in things before I blame or feel disappointment in someone else. This is a newly used muscle for me: in the past, I've been too quick to feel mistreated or look for answers in someone else's shortcomings.

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4. I am losing weight, finally. I will lose 50 pounds altogether and be able to tuck my tee shirts and blouses into my jeans. I like walking with a certain confidence and bounce, and I want that back again.

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5. I openly love. I let myself be too vulnerable sometimes, and some would say too needy, and I've cried too often in 2008, but beneath it all I try to be a loving, fun, curious and kind person. I accept responsibility and honor my obligations, even as I may push boundaries or take the scenic route. I don't invite pain in and I'm miserable at suffering, but when given the choice to care deeply, I usually do. And I'm loyal to the people I love and care about.

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Well, Lolo, you've allowed me a therapy session! What the hell: it's just kj, doing her best to show up and take part.

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Now I'd like to hear what these special people do to keep their spirits happy and healthy (if they are so willing, of course):
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Melissa

Baino

Miladysa

CS (Citizen)

Val

Lavender

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Happy New Year to a great bunch of bloggers & friends!

Love's Funny That Way...

I hope you will enjoy my first attempt at video on this blog! It's a love song by Charlie Landsborough that is stunningly beautiful. (If it makes you cry, I make no apologies!) I have nothing to explain or add to it, except perhaps to say that sometimes it's as simple as accepting that loving matters all by itself.

I wish you each deep love and every happiness in the New Year...

Message to kj

Keep knocking and

the joy inside will

eventually open

a window and look

out to see

who's there.

Rumi

The Bungelow at Heart Boulevard

Knock knock.
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Yes?
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This is the landlord. I’m serving notice you have to leave.

Leave? Why?
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The rent is overdue.
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What? Since when?
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It’s months behind.
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But I only occupy a small corner of this heart—there's plenty of room for others. I love the space, really. I thought the rent was taken care of.
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It was, but now the withdrawals have exceeded the deposits. You can’t stay any longer.
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But I have important memories here. And wishes and hopes.
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Sorry, you have to go.
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What if I take over the payments?
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By yourself? What is your currency? The rent has always been paid in tendered denominations and mutual funds.
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I can pay it that way too.
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But if it’s just you the tendering will only be one way and the funds won’t be mutual. That is not standard practice.
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Look, I have my own reserve to pay the rent. Can’t you accept that?
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For how long?
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I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just stay a few months more. But maybe I'll stay indefinitely. This space is an investment in something I care about.
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But no more deposits? That’s risky business.
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Who’s to say? There’s a good amount of earned equity here already. I don’t want to move as long as I feel the way I do.
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Even if you don’t get a return on your investment? Even if you lose everything you’ve put in?
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Yes, it’s a chance I will take. In this case I may view loss and gain the same way.
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Even if your investment is no longer deliverable?
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Yes, even then. But who’s to say one way or another? What does anybody know for certain?
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Listen, I just collect the rent. I make sure the funds don’t get depleted. Staying put and making the payments yourself--it seems reckless, risky.
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It may be. But I don’t mind. It’s not like I can’t leave. I just don’t want to, at least not yet. There are riches here. They matter to me.
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You'll have to give notice if you leave.
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Yes, of course, you’ll be the second to know. Right after myself.

Numbers

33 pounds shed,

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17 pounds to go.

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22 books sold,

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4,978 to go.

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A pretty good start...

Thursday 13: Farewell to Christmas!

Twenty four hours later, three friends, four family members, one cheese fondue, one pot of chili and one bowl of guacamole, twenty four slices of chili cheese cornbread, twelve chocolate mini-holiday cakes, four cappuccinos, one homemade coffee cake, one honey dew melon, a pound of bacon, one six pound prime rib, five pounds of mashed potatoes, three bowls of fresh vegetables, and what seemed like two hundred and seventy seven presents later, it's officially over. Christmas at # 9 has peacefully ended.

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Here's a glimpse of the comings and goings. I am happy to say I got a new camera this Christmas, and I plan to read the manual. In the interim, I can't say why some of these shots are blurry. Please forgive me when necessary:

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1. I love coffee. Good coffee. My favorite is Peet's Major Dickinson. I treat myself to a strong wonderful cup of coffee first thing every morning.

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2. And I love when I have the time to leisurely read the morning paper. Though there was plenty to do over the last two days, there was also some quiet time to catch up and wind down.

3. The Christmas tree is topped not with a star or an angel, but in tribute of Rosie, our English Springer Spaniel who will never be forgotten.

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4. This year my friend Clara gave me this wacky little bird ornament from a local Craft cooperative.

5. Who cut down on shopping and spending money this year? From the look of the presents piled in front of the tree, it wasn't my family. Or was it? Actually, I think we all did cut back, and we all felt good about it.

6. Guess who slept over Christmas Eve along with his parents and was the most fun from beginning to end?

7. JB is the easiest person to buy gifts for. She loves everything, the more unique, the better. These "slippers" were in her stocking this year, compliments of Jess. Of course they were right at home with her polka dot socks.
8. We picked my Mom up for Christmas dinner. Mr. Ryan calls her Gum-ma for no reason except that's what he started calling her. She will be 93 years old on January 5th, and JB and I have told her we will take her to the Mohegan Sun Casino for the day, so she can play the quarter slot machines. She does not travel well and her memory does not work, but the Casino it will be.

9. The porch isn't finished and I'm not sure when it may be, but when we put the futon down as a spare bed,

I love the ambiance of the room.

10. Mr. Ryan's grandparents (JB & me) got him a Jack-in-the-Box. I wish the photo were clearer, but no doubt he loved loved loved it. Beside him, of course, is Esther the resident Witch, who only leaves the couch when she has been drinking too much and tries to fly, with mixed results.

11. If for no other reason, I am eternally grateful that I am a mother, because I love this kid of mine so much I would have otherwise never known how much love I have in me. This is Jessica, accompanied by Sadie, who I also love.

12. Nobody wraps presents like JB. She is a first class present wrapper artist.

13. I don't know why I like this shot of the dining room table, but I do. Even though the dining room is the size of a postage stamp, it's one of my favorite places in the house.

It's quiet here now. The dishes are (mostly) done, the presents are still all over the living room, and I am pensively glad the holiday is over and tomorrow is an open day few chores and fewer demands.

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I hope the season treated you well, maybe you're glad it's over too, and I look forward to blogging away in 2009.

Happy Holidays

From city to village to country to town,

may you be surrounded this holiday season

by love, laughter, light, and maybe even lust!

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I am so grateful for the the friendships I have

made across the miles.

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Thank you and God Bless.

Get Mad Instead

This advice came my way yesterday, probably none too soon, from one of my most loved and wisest critics. It was bracketed in between a few other gems, which got me thinking about how some of us move through difficulty: "Fake it till you make it." Okay, I can do that.

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So in the spirit of Christmas, let me start with a few photos that reflect the world around me this weekend:

And let me end with the six boxes of 250 books that arrived at my back door two weeks ago. One hundred will find their way to book critics, reviewers and the like. One will be sent to Jodie Foster, who I think would play a perfect "Lily" on the big screen. A half dozen have already been dropped off at one local cafe and one independent bookstore. Thirteen have been sold, signed and mailed out from # 9, and a few have been lovingly given to special people for special reasons. Life could not be more paradoxical: at one of the more difficult times in my life, one of the more exhilarating achievements is unfolding.

And as of today, when I start to fold too, I'll do my best to get mad instead.

ValGal & The Magic Cottage

It started off as a run down backyard shed, home to a riding lawn mower that didn't work and plenty of cobwebs. In time, with some insulation and sheetrocking, painting, and a small propane heater, it became JB's art studio. We called it the Magic Cottage from day one.

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One night I spent several hours looking at the archives of
Valerie Walsh also known as my pal ValGal. I was hoping I might find one of her paintings to grace the cover of the story of Alex and Lily. I did not expect, and still can't believe, that Val would offer to paint an original in honor of my first book. This incredible artist gave me the gift of her incredible artwork, and she made me feel like I was doing her a favor.
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Sometimes I think Val was destined to paint the Magic Cottage.

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Here it is in reality:
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And here is Val's magic:

My book was published barely two weeks ago. I've just begun what will be as active a publicity and marketing campaign as I can muster, and so far the first words I hear are "What a wonderful cover." And, "Oh that cover is totally beautiful."

I've always felt blessed by my friends. They've been there for me in many special moments in my life. But in this moment, with this gift, by this artist--well, how lucky can a person be?

Thanks Val. I'm forever grateful.

Thank You: Part 3

Therapists aren't supposed to give gifts to clients. Because I'm working with families that are quite poor and I'm looking around their apartments wanting them to have a good Holiday season, I've been frustrated that I can't do my secret santa blessings, especially for some of the kids.

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So I did the next best thing, and I make no apologies. I e-mailed some select friends and asked for money. We'll call it "contributions." I explained that I wanted to purchase art supplies for a certain 12 year old girl who was likely to have very little on Christmas morning.

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The response was abundant. Within a week or so, I had $ 145. Ten dollars here, five dollars there, a check for twenty, a card with well wishes, a box with scissors and colored pencils, a sketch pad and electric pencil sharpener. JB and I went to the local art store and $ 95 later we had a huge bag of art-everything.

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Today I took the huge bag to "Lulu's" mom. Plus a plain white envelope with two 20's and one 10: fifty dollars to use for whatever will make Christmas a family affair.

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I wish you could have been there. Mom was quiet as she picked up and looked at every single thing.

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"Will it help?" I asked.

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"Oh yeah," she said. "It sure will."

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My heart is sad this holiday season, for good reason. It sucks to love someone who doesn't love you back. But today, my heart stepped outside myself and let the kindness of good people show the way.

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I am privileged to have delivered this huge bag today. Thank God I know that much.

Thank You: Part 2

It's no secret I've been down and out the last few weeks. I don't know when I'll emerge from my self imposed I-don't-know-how-to-feel-better state, but there have been a few encouraging signs. I am so thankful and grateful to certain special people who have just about carried me to a more hopeful, healthy place:

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Melissa: Your blog always lightens my load. And your friendship means so much.

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Val: One day soon we shall smile across the table and join hands in friendship. Thank you so much for believing in me, and for being there in every way.

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Studio Lolo: There is nothing better than acknowledging a kindred soul and new friend. Besides for your wonderful art, you are a sensitive caring woman and I am grateful we are becoming friends.

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Mim: My fellow New Englander: how could I not include you?! You were the first person to "buy the book", and your comments are always positive and kind.

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To each of you, I hereby bestow the Perfect Blend of Friendship Award. Please pass it on however you see fit.