Tuesday, January 06, 2015

Sweet Too

My days are different. I still notice when it's 4:00 and I still have waves of emotion when I think about my Mother, but there is relief and freedom too. My daughter is content, we currently have no pets, my work schedule is as flexible as I want it, and I can almost see my way past paperwork. I'm free to zig and zag.

We had a pretty nice Christmas. In the midst of it arrived this remembrance lamp from Jessica's friend, Janna, and boy do I like the warmth of it.

 JB sewed and I painted this rocking chair for our little grand daughter.

And Christmas day was filled with very fun children--many boys and one little Reese. 

JB and I headed to Provincetown the next day, opened our Christmas stockings to one another, and took in the sunsets at the land's end. 

In 2014 I operated with a mantra that helped me enormously: WAIT TO WORRY. I also adopted a different approach to accomplishment: I called it TURTLE living.  Instead of becoming overwhelmed I just did a little bit most days and trusted that would be enough, that the whole would end up complete or complete enough. Both these approaches have cut down my worrying by 95%. My overwhelming yard work got done this way, and so did my normal chores. 

Last weekend Mr. Logan age 3 had an overnight with us, by himself--no grabby brothers to compete with. The whole event was just charming.  He slept in a big-boy bed for the first time.

You can tell by his expression how proud he was of himself. 

Last post I mentioned how many cards of condolence I've received. Dozens.  I keep staring at them. Inside is the love and caring of my friends and family. Lucky duck, I am. I won't forget.

I made ravioli for New Year's Eve. By myself. From scratch. My Mother's recipe. For JB and our friend Liz. I was proud and they were good.

What does it mean to lose your Mother? In my case I feel a softening taking place, as if her kindness and grit and joy of life has taken residence inside me. They'll be no resistance from me. 

 And finally: yesterday was my Mother's birthday. She would be 99. JB wisely suggested we celebrate by going to my beloved casino. It was a joyful day.

I hope in 2015 to see my second book published. It is an honor to be writing it. That must be a good sign.

Happy New Year. WAIT TO WORRY! And don't be afraid to TURTLE your way along. 



  1. I love the idea of TURTLE living. You could write a book on this! Or is that what your new book is about?

  2. I'm joining you in turtle land I hope.

    Reading this I think "it's all coming together" - which is very very nice.

  3. kj, this is a lovely post.
    I am so sorry for your loss of your mom.
    Yet the love she gave you is continuing in your heart.
    I love the idea of turtle living - thank you!

  4. Turtle life sounds like an excellent way to live. Your grandson is positively beaming. Take care.

  5. Wise words kj, and feeling free to zig and zag at such a time in your life is the best medicine you can prescribe for your heart ... along with overnight visits from your little ones ... sweet Reese is going to be one very protected little sister*!*

  6. good post KJ . I am glad to hear that your montra goes well

  7. I envy you for the number of chidren you have in your life. I have the grandbaby and a little girl next door, but that's it. Of course, even that is more than I've had in decades.


  8. I like that attitude! I might just pin it,and wear it, and let it soak in me all year long.

  9. Nana Petrona, my beloved nanny taught me early on that to worry about something is like a prayer for something you don't want to happen and in the end, no matter how much you may worry, it would not changed the outcome.

    You call it turtle, I call it fleur. You know, a little seed, a little water, a little sunshine, a little talk and eventually it blooms. I am learning. I don't rush into anything because my anchor to windward is not here anymore, and to be cautious has never been one of my fortes, but I am learning. I still cannot leave dishes in the sink, but I must remind myself that the only constant in life is change.


  10. These are possibly the best New Year's resolutions I have heard. Wait to worry and turtle - I look forward to adding these to my toolkit.

    I love the fact that you say it's been an honor to write your book. I can't think of a better way to honor one's creative process - thank you for this realization.


  11. Almost 99! What a rich, long life she lead. She was a lucky duck, too.

  12. "there is relief and freedom too"

    I experienced this when my father died because he lived with us for his last two years and because he had come so near to dying a few times before he actually did. Whereas I was a wreck for a a year and half after my mother died, I never even cried for my father, yet he’s the only one of the two who ever appears in my dreams, and his appearance is always a happy one. I hope you will continue to write about your grieving process. And, KJ, I also hope that we can move on from the race discussion, not because I don’t find it interesting, but because you find it hurtful, and I don’t want it to come between us.

  13. The lamp looks really nice! It seems really warm because of the colors and the soft light it emits! It seems like you had a really nice Christmas and all those kids just look so cute :)!

  14. I think it's fairly unusual for you to go this long without posting. You are missed.

  15. Amazing blog and very interesting stuff you got here! I definitely learned a lot from reading through some of your earlier posts as well and decided to drop a comment on this one!