I am driving her to a nursing home today--my Mother and a suitcase of clothes and a painting of her childhood home in Canada.
This is a sad day. She will leave the rest home where she has lived for the last five years, where her dignity and imagined independence have been nurtured at every chance. She can't stay there any longer. She requires two people to help her stand and yet at night she somehow gets herself up and uses the commode in poor fashion. She has fallen. She is not safe there.
Her bed at the nursing home will sound an alarm when she tries to get up by herself and I know that will both frighten and upset her.
She will not thrive there.
My Mother is 97 years old. Her memory has not worked for almost a decade but in the present moment she has been bright and lucid and always as sweet as a honey bee. She has elegant hands, long beautiful fingers. Lately she has started to bite her nails down. I know that is a bad sign. More of the time now she has periods where she calls for her sisters and her mother, where she determined to get in her car and drive herself where she is supposed to be.
I had hoped she would have no need for a nursing home.
I am driving her today and my emotions are thick. Most of this is the substance of love but some is concern for myself. I do not want to see her decline. I do not want to be on edge for her, worrying that she will be frightened or harmed, knowing I am the most important link in her well being. I do not want to be exhausted from it.
I am pushing myself to hope for the best.
I know that is a wise thing to do.
love
kj
I remember you Mother oh-so-well....(has it been almost three years?)..her bright green eyes, her warm smile...her laugh...and the wonderful, safe, secure place she called home.
ReplyDeleteThis IS hard Karen.....but, you as a caring Daughter, must do it..I know you have made arrangements to have her in a good, warm and loving place....where she can be looked after 24/7....
Sending strength to you.... please give your Mum a big kiss from me.
♥ Robin ♥
Deletehi robin, thank you. those green eyes are so honest and genuine: i will never forget that. she is still her lovely self most of the time. i pray she will be okay. nice to see you here. much appreciated
love
kj
My heart goes out to you, Karen. My mom is 86 now, wheelchair bound, and it is getting harder for me to transfer her as I get older, which I do when her aides take the day off. She is more or less paralyed below the waist (MS), and now losing upper body strength. I fear the day she will not be able to live at home.
ReplyDeleteI hope this is not terribly hard to your mom, or for you. My prayers are with you both.
Barbara
Deleteboy do i understand, barbara. i keep thinking i have to get a handle on this. it's no good to be exhausted and depleted. i know my Mom cannot live at home. I wouldn't be able to sleep through the night and we could not afford what she needs. i know she doesn't want that
i admire you. you won't regret what you lovingly give. but take care of yourself. that is important and necessary.
love
kj
What a roller coaster you've been on. I'm so sorry the nursing home had to happen. I know you are too. But your mom is the type of person who will make friends of the new nurses right away. In her mind, her sisters and her mother will help her on this journey. In my mind, they will as well.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we'll connect by phone tonight. Our luck hasn't been the best.
Sending love and hugs to hold you until we talk.
xo
Lo♥♥
Deletelo, i didn;t think it would come to this and i so hope it will work out. the staff is good and decent; there just isn't enough of them to give the care or time my Mom had at the rest home. she may adjust better than i think. and i do think she will most often be her wonderful self.
i hope you are plugging along too, my friend
love
kj
Goddess bless you both, KJ, as you and your dear mom navigate this difficult path together. May she be surrounded by light and cared for with loving hands, and may you be blessed with the peace of mind you deserve.
ReplyDelete
Deletethank you amanda. amen amen.
love
kj
Dear KJ. My heart bleeds for you both and I am truly sorry that it has had to come to this. The practical side of my says "it's for the best" but I know, I know.
ReplyDeleteHaving worked in a nursing home, I have some very practical advice to offer, which I will do when you are more settled.
xoxoxo mim
Deleteah mim, tell me every thing you know.
love
kj
This is a very hard time for both of you. I feel sorry for your mother, that old and that fragile and then in a complete other surrounding with other people who - undoubtedly - will take good care of her, but still.....
ReplyDeleteAnd I feel sorry for you. This is the best thing, but ..... yes, but...
Take care!
Deleteexactly well stated, wieneke. it seems unfair to have to adjust and reorient. i want to do everything i can to help and be actively present but i can see i could lose my grip on many of the wonderful transitions also happening for me. i'm pondering balance because i need that.
love
kj
Oh such conflict of heart. But how wise you are and you are definitely doing the right thing for your lovely mother. May you both be kept safe by that love you have between you - that truth of a strong, loyal mother and daughter bond.
ReplyDelete
Deletethank you, kay. so many of us understand.
this is a huge transition for me too. i know i must realign my travels and my plans, but how much? sometimes too much happens at once. that is not lost on me. i am breathing deeply :^)
love
kj
My heart beats hard with every word that I've just read here KJ. I hope it's OK to pray for you both as you walk this new path with your mom. I don't know who I'm praying to ... but I definitely know who I'm praying for! Much love to you dear dear Karen, I wish I could help. xx Jos
ReplyDeleteI'm still walking with you , jos. Same direction, same wonderous mountain ahead
DeleteThank you so much. So much emotion for me this week. And actually for months now! I want to swing in the air like an autumn leaf :-)
Love always
kj
Oh KJ, I can barely respond to this. The pain, the guilt, trying to fix things that are not ours to fix. Yes, balance. Decline and death are a natural part of life, and this work of dying is not ours yet. We must find OUR balance between this walk of life and death, all the time knowing that we are on the LIFE side, and every moment is to be lived. Celebrate your Mom's past life, her real life, and honor her by always returning to the joy.
ReplyDeleteBig big love to you.
Deb ♥♥♥
Deb, your words are so helpful. That is something to be guided by. Thank you so much. I've reread your comment a dozen times now
DeleteLove
kj
Oh, I find myself tearing up. I am so sorry this transition is so difficult. It is never easy I suppose. Your Mom's photo is so beautiful and you speak of her as if she is just as beautiful as she appears. I hope this goes really well and she and you both find that she is more comfortable and less apprehensive in a safer albeit newer environment. Thinking of you both. Z~
ReplyDeleteThanks Zoe. Honestly I wish I could protect her from all this. But I need to be careful not to step too far ahead in anticipating the worse: if might better than my fears prepare me for
DeleteI appreciate your support,
Love
kj
This sounds so harsh but I am thankful that my mum never lived long enough to go to a nursing home. This must be so hard for you and for her. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteNot harsh at all, deb. I understand completely xoxo
DeleteLove
kj
Oh, my. I'm just so sorry. Even though it is what has to happen, I know it grieves you to do it. Sending much love. ♥
ReplyDeleteThanks cs. It's been a hell of a week!
DeleteLove love
kj
Don't suffer over your mother, she would not want that. You do what you know is best and find contentment in that. Or stop twice a day and beat yourself up for making the correct decision that guarantee's your mothers comfort and safety.
ReplyDeleteMark, if I were confident about her comfort and safety there would be no sadness . That is not the case: nursing homes are never staffed adequately and even the best will do a good job at keeping people clean and presentable but not always safe. The staff is too busy for the emotional nurturing my Mom got at her rest home. Plus there are so many people in dependent need that my Mother's real or imagined fears can so easily get overlooked. That is the reality and I'm sad about it...
DeleteLove
kj
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI remember loading my parents' stuff in the car, and them with it, and moving them from retirement home to care home. From one city to another. Not a strange city; they knew both places well. They lived there, together, father looking after his beloved of 70 years, the way a man "should." They both received wonderful care.
ReplyDeleteI trust your mom will receive the same care, kj!
Blessings and Bear hugs!
Bears Noting
Life in the Urban Forest (poetry)
That is touching and wonderful and filled with good fortune, bear. I dare to say also rare. My father was lucky enough to have this kind of care, from my Mother, from hospice, from his children. My Mother will not be so lucky. I will surely make sure she is well cared for and I will be a present reliable source of love and protection, but she will be one of 41 people, all with personal care needs, among perhaps five caregivers. The ratio is not optimal for leisurely support. And I have chosen a good nursing home...
DeleteLove
kj
I had a tear for you, and am so sad for this change. Like you, I also got a lot from Deborah's comment above. May this new phase seem later on like a blip in the movie of your life. Your mother knows you love her, kj. She knows.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lydia. Yes, she definitely knows. I am very important to her well being. That is some of the challenge for me: I do not think about week long trips and I pass up opportunities I would normally jump at. Something about that doesn't feel developmentally right for me. I know this is the beginning if a transition that may/ will get easier (god, I hope). I stopped my job last week, ready to finish my book and enjoy a new place in Provincetown and design some workshops. The universe has other plans :-)
DeleteLove
kj
very hard to do what you are doing. none of us imagine that we will have to send our parents to a nursing home. none of us want ourselves to be sent to a nursing home. it is so painful. i send prayers to your mom. someone told me once, know your mother is surrounded by angels. imagine this for your mom.
ReplyDeleteYes, very hard, suki. My Mom is best when I am with her; that is a fact. I have to find a balance in that.
DeleteIn two days I can see how people deteriorate in a nursing home. There is not enough staff....
Thank you for your prayers, suki xo
Love
kj
Hi, kj...
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words over at my place. I am so so sorry about what you must be feeling and experiencing with your Mother.
I simply can't imagine your emotions at this time. All you can do is be loving and caring for her...
My Mom has been gone WAY too long... my Dad half the time of my Mom.
Peace to you in the days ahead.
~shoes~
Deletehello red shoes :^)
emotions all over the place. in the last few days hope has returned. thank god. it looks as though my Mom may do alright. at least it is a good nursing home, with good people. i live in an area (western massachusetts--rural with college vibes) where people are honest and decent
peace to you too
love
kj
Dear KJ Having been absent from the blogging world for a while I came here to catch up on your news. So very sorry to learn that your beautiful Mom has now to be uprooted - I understand that must be really tough on you all. Hugs. Caroline
ReplyDelete
Deletehello hello caroline! thank you always. how are you doing? how is your move?
love
kj
Oh dear this must be awful for you and her. But I guess we all get to this stage eventually- best you can do for her and for you is to accept, just accept it dear one.
ReplyDelete
Deletehi joss, acceptance. that is the key to everything, isn't it, except those things which must be fought for and stood up against.
i am alot more hopeful than i was even a few days ago.
love
kj