I should not be writing. It's after midnight and I have a long day of work tomorrow. After tomorrow, I will have three weeks left of the job I have had for five years. I am saying goodbye to clients and colleagues with mixed emotions. I'm so glad to leave--no more hours of writing reports and so much paperwork and no more having to be reliable, but my heart will hurt to say goodbye. It's been great work.
I am currently in the midst of swirling high winds. So much wonderful news: my Jessica will soon give birth; she and Mike and the boys are moving into a forever dream house; JB and I are over the moon with our own dream house. Want to see it again? Oh, of course, certainly :^)
All of this is a clear transition for me. I won't move from my present house to this one, but someday I think JB and I will live here. Someday I think JB and I will be super duper happy here.
Boy do I have reasons to be happy. But I am also in the swirling winds of stress. JB's been sick, I tore a ligament in my knee (too much weight; there, I admitted it). To afford this house we have to sell our condo (very stressful, no bites yet). Pressure.
And my Mother.....Today I learned she will have to leave the rest home that has cared for her with such love and dignity. They cannot take care of her needs. She no longer walks but forgets so she tries to walk and falls. She is not always in reality now, sometimes looking for her deceased sisters and Mother.
I worry for my Mother. I have tried for the last five years to be present for her and I've made decisions to stay nearby for that reason. But sometimes, more so now when so much is going on, I feel trapped. No trip to Alaska with JB. No staying in this new house for more than a few days at a time. No looking ahead to a daily life that is about writing and gardening and spending time with my grandchildren and fixing up this new house. Learning new thing. Having a small boat. Writing my books.
My Mother can't live with us. I know that. Her needs are too great. I wouldn't sleep. I can't handle the personal care required. I look in her eyes and I know I will sacrifice so she is not alone and not afraid. But I feel bad for myself. There's not time to soak in the blessings. A confusing transition so far. That much I know.
Am I whining? No. Just putting words down here. Which is what I want to do. Even this blog may have to change. If it's not authentically about me and what I know and see and feel and hope for, it's not worth the effort. That much I also know.
love
kj
Take care, girl.
ReplyDeleteI am, I will, wieneke ♥
DeleteThanks for your honesty JB. You are making the right choices, not easy choices, but right. The house looks adorable. It is a time of transition for you; happy journeying.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to know sometimes, Kay. I could be in three different places this weekend, each important. Thank you for your words--much appreciated
DeleteXoxo
kj
caring for elders, at their varying stages of life, is one of the most difficult things we do. Making decisions for them. The emotional part, esp when the elder is your mom. but you can look forward to doing those things you love. they will wait there for you to do and possibly not that far in the future.
ReplyDeleteyou are good to care for your mom. hope JB is feeling better. And your knee heals. I think once you do leave your job for good, some of the stress will ease up for you and you will see things anew. blessings, suki
Thank you suki. That means alot
DeleteLove
kj
As much as I see you being at the tip of an iceberg, I think you're stronger than this. You are doing good things and eventhough it's difficult for now, but it'll get better. I wish to have a very dedicated daughter like yourself in the future (if i ever get married ) anyhow, stay strong!
ReplyDeleteHi aiman, I love your comment! Thank you
DeleteLove
kj
First, I must say, you are getting a pretty darn good return on that one child of yours!
ReplyDeleteOh, KJ, I am in the exact same spot with my father. I have so much guilt about him being in his BEAUTIFUL group home, and I do mean beautiful. The owners are wonderful, gentle, loving, Christian people. Yet, when I visit all he does is beg to get out, cries, gets mean and demanding. He is not in his right mind at all. He threatens suicide. He also cannot walk. This is not my father; he is a spoiled little child, completely self-centered...it is horrible. After our last visit to Tucson to see him, Bad Alice and I decided it was not doing him or us any good. It would immobilize me for a week, reduce me to crying alllllll the time, paralyzed with guilt, and give me migraines. Actually, I have been going over a blog post about all this in my head. I use my blog to work things out in my mind.
So, enormously long story short, I have had to give this burden to God. If I carry my father's burden, I will not be of any good to my own family, husband, children, grandchildren. I make sure my father is well cared for, I check with the home often, but I cannot fall apart over this. I cannot stop living, or dreaming, or being joyful and grateful just because he is not. You need to soak in the blessings, KJ. You need to allow yourself to LIVE FULLY. This is YOUR time. I know how heartless I must sound, but this time will never come again, or wait. Pray the serenity prayer. Let go of what you cannot control, or change, or help, and live a life of gratitude, and most importantly, life to the fullest.
Sending you all my love on the wings of a desert sparrow, Deb
Thank you most sincerely, deb. I know, I know . I remind myself not to think the worse, to stay in the present, to do all I can and be at peace with that. This weekend I choose myself: two days in the new house by the bay :-)
DeleteYou have so much pulling at you. Deb. of course you have to cry at times. Good that bad Alice knows too what is best.
Strong in the broken places: ah, yup.
Love love
kj
Hahaha deb about getting my money's worth . Three little boys and hope for a little girl, but either way, it's grand!!!
DeletePs I tell my friends: don't mention population control in this case
oh dear - lots going on, comings and goings. i'm sad about your mum, this might be a tough transition for her and for you but you cannot take her in, and you cannot do anything but keep her as safe as possible. oh dear.
ReplyDeleteI hope this all passes along in the next few weeks, and am thinking about you on and on and on.
xoxo
One step at a time: I tell myself this a zillion times a day :-)
DeleteThanks Mim ♥
kj
Transition can be so difficult. Even the freeing of leaving your practice is difficult to sever those therapeutic relationships. We often view these times as abrupt endings and loss but they are really moments of personal evolution. When my dad was ill and in a nursing home I was seeing him daily and closing my private practice at the same time while dealing with my own CA. Having an evolutionary point of view was what really got me through. I really believe that even with for example, my possible death, that it would have been another form of evolution in my life. It still was but in a different way.
ReplyDeleteDear Zoe, I've worked specially hard to have create a good goodbye with my clients: it's a helpful life lesson to know a relationship can end well...
DeleteYou've walked quite a road yourself. I'm glad to know you here. No coincidence, says me
Love
kj
Your so right! I think its one of the best lessons we all learn through that relationship. Its difficult at best though. Sending you good transitional vibes.
DeleteI'm sorry Karen. The thought of moving my mum broke my heart as well. Her's too because she wasn't confused. Thankfully she took that decision out of my hands. I hope it goes well for you and for her. Take care.
ReplyDeleteThanks deb. my Mom isn't confused all the time and that makes it harder and sadder . I know I'm not the first daughter to go through this--that helps
DeleteLove
kj
Oh, my, KJ, so much stress on so many fronts at once. Perhaps, it's time to remember that "this too shall pass" and that no one thing by itself would be nearly so bad if all the rest were not added to it.
ReplyDeleteYes, snow, thank you.it never helps to pile one thing stop another, unless it's Legos :-)
ReplyDeleteLove
kj
I hope you can feel my presence with you KJ. I am walking right here next to you ... on your weak side knee-wise that is. Such a lot going on for you right now. I believe the hardest things we do as daughters is to become a pseudo mother to our own moms. You will never regret the time you spend nor the love you extend. We go through pre-grieving KJ and it feels wrong because the person is still there ... and yet the anticipation of parting cannot be ignored. Be gentle with yourself OK? Much love xx Jos
ReplyDeleteOh jos, my travelin companion; so wise your words . Thank you so much . I think the pre-grieving gets jumbled up with wanting the worrying to end. I will hate those moments of moving my Mother to a nursing home. How will she understand? How much upheaval will my own life and time have?
DeleteAnd yes, I will never regret the time
Love
kj
Oh, that all does sound stressful. Please take care of yourself, too.
ReplyDeleteDoing my best, cs ♥
DeleteKj, For some reason in life the bad always comes with the good, some sort of balance has to be
ReplyDeletefound. I just read something about how there is always a window in the storm and the birds fly through it, but the only way is through the storm not around it. Drink lots of tea and sit and stare into space, breathe. So sorry about your mother, you are trapped, but it won't be long until you will be free and then the pain really starts, sorry to report that it does not end, but there is joy in the mist of it and we all have to find a way to hang on to that joy. Much love and hugs. xoxo
Annie, I wonder how I will feel "after", when there is no more need to worry. I hope it will not be pain. But I know you know what you're talking about. Surely all that love can find a place to rest....
DeleteLove
kj
The story is told that, when The Man and The Woman were escorted out of the garden of Eden, he turned to his wife and said, "My love, we're living in an era of transition."
ReplyDeleteLots of transition in your life. Each with its own challenge. Sorry to hear of your mom. I had to help my parents with all that, while I lived half a continent away from them.
I hope these next few weeks are wonderful for you!
Blessings and Bear hugs, and happy Mothers Day!
Bears Noting
Life in the Urban Forest (poetry)
P.S.: I'm back to writing poetry, and living part-time at Blogland Lane.
Hello and thanks, rob! Hahaha to the story of Eden--an interpretation as good as any!
ReplyDeleteLove
kj
Such a powerful thing, this richness of life. On one end such happiness and on another, worry mixed with love. I wish you blessings in finding a loving and caring place for your dear mom.
ReplyDeleteThank you as always, Amanda. I think in many ways age highlights the happy-hard aspects of life. (Unless tragedy befalls at an earlier age). I watch what my daughter Jess and SIL mike accomplish and I think, 'wow that's even more juggling than my own!' But I know Jess does not worry about me as I worry for my own Mother
DeleteAnd I know I juggle alot!!!!
Love
kj
oh well, here's a hug kj... :) take care!
ReplyDeleteThank you hdwk :-)
DeleteLove
kj